Bring Jokes

Why did the tourist visiting Mexico bring Prolax and pepper spray?

They prevented hispanic attacks

Dad Jokes for New Dads: The Ultimate New Dad Gift to Embarrass Your Kids Early with 500+ Jokes! (World's Best Dad Jokes Collection)

Paperback

What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

Why did ISIS leader bring a car-door to the desert?

So he could roll down the window when it gets too hot. How we joke in Kurdistan

What's the difference between a woman and a gun?

Guns don't move out when you bring a new one home.

Why does mohamed goes out with an explosive device?

To bring it back to samsung, you racist.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

I told her that drinks were on the house

What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was .......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

What did the mermaid forget to bring to the maths lesson?

Her algae bra.

Why do ghosts get invited to parties?

Because they always bring boos.

When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?

Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.

The World's Greatest Dad Jokes: The Complete Collection (The Heirloom Edition): Over 500 Cringe-Worthy Puns and One-Liners

Hardcover

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

What was the true purpose of the Ice Bucket Challenge?

To bring down the Wicked Witch of the West.

Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

Because it's soda pressing

How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday?

They bring flowers to his grave.

What do May Flowers Bring?

Pilgrims.

Why didn't the melons get married in Vegas?

Because they cantaloupe. This joke was brought to you by Dads inc.

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

What's common between a crying baby and a gun?

You must not bring either to the movies.

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?

He's a party pooper!

The Best Worst Dad Jokes: All the Puns, Quips, and Wisecracks You Need to Torment Your Kids

Kindle

What did the mohel bring to the BBQ potluck?

His homemade Bris-kit.

How long do black women need to bring the garbage out?

About 9 month.

What is the type of conference that brings together knights and mathematicians?

A

Why did the butcher get fired?

For bringing home the bacon.

What did the Muslim bring to the Holiday party?

Falafel and hummus.

How does the stork bring babies?

It pokes holes in condoms.

Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost?

He got lost in the maize.

Why do astronauts bring their phone into space?

Because they can get 4g

Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring?

The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D

What is the most mysterious cheese?

I'm going to a cheese and wine party tonight and the host has requested I bring a "mystery cheese". I'm hoping there's a puntastic cheese out there somewhere that may fit the bill!

The Big Book of Silly Jokes for Kids

Paperback

Why did the husband bring his wife's sick dog to the salon?

He was trying to get her pedicure.

What time is it when a Muslim immigrant brings a clock to school in Texas?

Time to get a new principal.

Why should you always bring charmander along when camping?

Because he's the fire starter.

What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common?

They can both bring out the child from within.

Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle.

What's the best vegetable to bring to a party?

Stephen Hawking

How do you bring a joke to the front page?

deleted

Why does Tiger Woods bring two pair of pants during a golf game?

Its in case he gets a hole-in-one.

Why do golfers bring an spare change of pants?

Just in case they get a hole in one. Credit to

Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

He was expecting showers.

Who brings all the good little inclined plane girls and boys presents at Christmas?

Slanta Claus.

What is the slogan of the Mormon Church?

We don't care how you bring 'em, just Brigham Young."

Why did the Mexicans only bring 5000 people to the Alamo?

They only had two vans

Why do all polish names end in ski?

Because they can't spell toboggan (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

What do the Scottish people call iPhone?

A: an AYE-Phone. (Joke brought to you by a 5 year old)

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Why should you never bring your Pokemon cards into the washroom with you?

They might Pikachu.

What is your least favorite force of nature?

A: Gravity. It's always bringing me down.

When are they going to bring slavery back?

I am tired of looking for a job.

What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game?

At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

What did Mr. Burns bring to the pot luck?

Eggsalad

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

They only had 2 vans

Why do Native Americans hate April showers?

Because they bring Mayflowers

What happens when you throw a black rock into the Red Sea?

I originally thought that the black rock gets wet, but it was brought to my attention that the Red Sea is in the middle east, so it prob'ly starts a holy war!

What animal brings the most boys to the yard?

The

Why did the girl bring 2 basketballs to the basketball game?

Because there was 2 basketball courts. DUH!

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

What do you get when hou bring a Greek and a Swede together?

Moose-saka

Why does Luigi bring an extra pair of overalls when he golfs?

In case he gets a hole-in-one

Why can't you bring valve oil to the airport?

Because its a band substance

Why do they allow people in wheelchairs to bring carry-ons onto a plane?

Aren't they themselves a carry-on?

What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies?

A swallow

How many women does it take to bring down Herman Cain?

Nine-Nine-Nine

What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

What do you have to bring if you visit r/nsfwgifs?

Giffy Lube.

This joke may have profanity.

What did Zach De La Rocha bring home from the beach?

A pocket full of shells.

Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party?

It was leave your keys at the door.

Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight?

He brought the wrong carrion.

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.

What brings the monster's babies?

The Frankenstork.

What bring a dead duck back to life?

A dead bullfrog.

Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

What did the dog bring to party?

Wooffies!

When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?

instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.

How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

What boy doesn't love milkshakes?

If your asparagus brought em, then I'd be impressed.

Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants?

He wanted a spare in case he had a split.

How do you tell if water is true or false?

Bring it to a bool.

Why are Norwegian women so hot?

The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones!

Why did the man bring his jar of jam to the abortion clinic?

He had trouble unscrewing it.

This joke may have profanity.

Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage?

She's afraid they'll bring down the house.

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?

So that they can pack the defence!

Why are oil miners and police men mortal enemies?

One brings black stuff and the other gets rid of it

Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf?

In case you get a hole-in-one (stolen from some girl at school)

How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip?

Bring two Mormons.

Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two?

In case he got a hole in one.

What does Air bnb stand for?

Bring no blacks

Why did they let the chicken join the band?

Because he brought his own drumsticks

What animals do you bring to bed?

Your calves.

What will santa bring your fish this christmas?

A scale letrix!

Who was the best actor in the bible ?

Samson he brought the house down !

How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?

Bring her flours

What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?

The police made him bring it back again.

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

Why does Tiger Woods bring an extra pair of socks while golfing?

In case he gets a hole in one.

Why did the Japanese American bring his server with him?

He thought they said internet camp

Why were the Native Americans upset when it rained in April?

Because April showers, bring May flowers!

Why do Native Americans hate it when it rains in April?

Because it brings Mayflowers.

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Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What about breakfast teaches us the difference between "interested" and "committed"?

In a ham and egg sandwich, the chicken had an interest, but the pig is committed.

What is the difference between a baker baking a cake and a gynecologist giving an exam?

A few degrees.

Listen Jokes More Listen Jokes

What music do dyslexic programmers listen to?

Run/CMD

How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?

The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)

Roll Jokes More Roll Jokes

Why did the dog roll down the hill?

It didn t have any legs.

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

Shoot him again.

Mexico Jokes More Mexico Jokes

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team?

Their best swimmers are all in American waters.

Why did the Dalai Lama go to Mexico?

So he can be juan with everything.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What did music tell the pancakes?

B flat.

How do you know when someone is a single mother?

Don't worry! They will tell you!

Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

What do you call a crocodile when it robs drinks?

Gator-raid. &lt3 edit: Learned the difference between a crocodile and alligator.

Why did the man drink two beers with his lunch?

Because he wanted to drink two beers with his lunch.

Guess Jokes More Guess Jokes

What are you typing?

Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.

Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ?

Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.

Choose Jokes More Choose Jokes

Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don't ever take my candy.

Who would you turn to face?

be careful with whom you chose