Bring Jokes

  • What was the true purpose of the Ice Bucket Challenge?

    To bring down the Wicked Witch of the West.

  • Why does the snoop dog bring an umbrella?

    For the drizzle

  • What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party?

    A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.

  • What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

    Row v. Wade

  • Why should you always bring charmander along when camping?

    Because he's the fire starter.

  • What's the difference between a woman and a gun?

    Guns don't move out when you bring a new one home.

  • What did the short boy bring to high school?

    A ladder.

  • What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?

    Bring on their subs!

  • Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

    Do I really have to answer that Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel

  • Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage?

    She's afraid they'll bring down the house.

  • How do you tell if water is true or false?

    Bring it to a bool.

  • Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?

    In case he got a hole in one.

  • Why do astronauts bring their phone into space?

    Because they can get 4g

  • How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.

  • Why should you never bring your Pokemon cards into the washroom with you?

    They might Pikachu.

  • What does Air bnb stand for?

    Bring no blacks

  • Why do all polish names end in ski?

    Because they can't spell toboggan (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

  • What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

    I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

  • What's the best vegetable to bring to a party?

    Stephen Hawking

  • Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

    A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

  • Why doesn't Elin Nordegren ever shop at the fish market?

    Because Tiger is always bringing home crabs!

  • What is the most mysterious cheese?

    I'm going to a cheese and wine party tonight and the host has requested I bring a "mystery cheese". I'm hoping there's a puntastic cheese out there somewhere that may fit the bill!

  • What do the Scottish people call iPhone?

    A: an AYE-Phone. (Joke brought to you by a 5 year old)

  • Why did the girl bring 2 basketballs to the basketball game?

    Because there was 2 basketball courts. DUH!

  • How do you bring a joke to the front page?

    deleted

  • What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common?

    They can both bring out the child from within.

  • What boy doesn't love milkshakes?

    If your asparagus brought em, then I'd be impressed.

  • What did the mermaid forget to bring to the maths lesson?

    Her algae bra.

  • How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip?

    Bring two Mormons.

  • How did Mario bring back his brother after he got a Game Over?

    He used a Luigi Board.

  • Why does Tiger Woods bring an extra pair of socks while golfing?

    In case he gets a hole in one.

  • Why do golfers bring an spare change of pants?

    Just in case they get a hole in one. Credit to

  • Why were the Native Americans upset when it rained in April?

    Because April showers, bring May flowers!

  • Why did the couple bring a melon to their honeymoon?

    Because they cantaloupe...

  • What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game?

    At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

  • What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

    The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was .......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

  • What exactly does BYOB mean?

    Bring your own beer" Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

  • Why did Mario always bring Toad to parties?

    Toad was a fungi.

  • Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?

    So that they can pack the defence!

  • What could you bring to this company?

    Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

  • What did the aardvark say to Noah?

    What do you mean you only brought two ants!

  • What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?

    The police made him bring it back again.

  • What brings you here?

    14.99 per month and a addiction to a game that's been failing since Cata

  • How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday?

    They bring flowers to his grave.

  • What's that in the bag?

    An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos." "You can't bring that into the movie."

  • Why do they allow people in wheelchairs to bring carry-ons onto a plane?

    Aren't they themselves a carry-on?

  • Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing?

    In case you get a hole in one.

  • Why are oil miners and police men mortal enemies?

    One brings black stuff and the other gets rid of it

  • When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?

    Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"

  • What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

    Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

  • How much longer?

    Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant

  • Why did the butcher get fired?

    For bringing home the bacon.

  • How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

    None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.

  • Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

    He was expecting showers.

  • Why did the Japanese American bring his server with him?

    He thought they said internet camp

  • How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

    If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.

  • Why did the Mexicans only bring 5000 people to the Alamo?

    They only had two vans

  • What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?

    Bring Your Kid to Work Day

  • What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

    Smashed potatoes.

  • What will santa bring your fish this christmas?

    A scale letrix!

  • Why didn't the melons get married in Vegas?

    Because they cantaloupe. This joke was brought to you by Dads inc.

  • Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants?

    He wanted a spare in case he had a split.

  • Why do Native Americans hate it when it rains in April?

    Because it brings Mayflowers.

  • What is the best way to avoid having your flight bombed?

    Bring your own bomb! Cause what are the odds that there are **two** bombs on the same plane

  • What do you get when hou bring a Greek and a Swede together?

    Moose-saka

  • When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?

    instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.

  • Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

    Santa Clues.

  • What do you call the Irish guy who always brings flan to the potluck?

    Shaun O'flanagan

  • What is your least favorite force of nature?

    A: Gravity. It's always bringing me down.

  • How many guys does it take to open a beer?

    None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

  • What brings the monster's babies?

    The Frankenstork.

  • Why did the Irish Football manager flood the pitch ?

    So he could bring his 'sub' on

  • Why does Tiger Woods bring two pair of pants during a golf game?

    Its in case he gets a hole-in-one.

  • Who brings all the good little inclined plane girls and boys presents at Christmas?

    Slanta Claus.

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

  • What did the Muslim bring to the Holiday party?

    Falafel and hummus.

  • Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight?

    He brought the wrong carrion.

  • Why did the tourist visiting Mexico bring Prolax and pepper spray?

    They prevented hispanic attacks

  • How do you silence a group of women?

    Bring out your camera.

  • What did the microbiologist bring to the art fair?

    A cup of yogurt.

  • Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost?

    He got lost in the maize.

  • Why does mohamed goes out with an explosive device?

    To bring it back to samsung, you racist.

  • What did Michael Fox bring to baby Jesus?

    Parkincense.

  • What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?

    A navi-gator!

  • What's the best kind of vegetable to bring to a party?

    A turn up

  • What do May Flowers Bring?

    Pilgrims.

  • Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party?

    It was leave your keys at the door.

  • What animal brings the most boys to the yard?

    The

  • Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

    The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

  • What did the dog bring to party?

    Wooffies!

  • What time is it when a Muslim immigrant brings a clock to school in Texas?

    Time to get a new principal.

  • Why do Native Americans hate April showers?

    Because they bring Mayflowers

  • What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison?

    Congee-gal visit

  • What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ?

    A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !

  • Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date?

    Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.

  • How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Ten. One to actually change the lightbulb and nine to bring refreshments

  • What strengths do you bring to the job?

    long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

  • What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies?

    A swallow

  • Whatcha inventing?

    I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids " "Sure."

  • How long do black women need to bring the garbage out?

    About 9 month.

  • What kind of bird brings no babies?

    A swallow.

  • What's the best way to bring out your inner child?

    A coat hanger

  • Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

    I told her that drinks were on the house

  • Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?

    He's a party pooper!

  • Why did the husband bring his wife's sick dog to the salon?

    He was trying to get her pedicure.

  • Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

    They only had 2 vans

  • Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf?

    In case you get a hole-in-one (stolen from some girl at school)

  • What's common between a crying baby and a gun?

    You must not bring either to the movies.

  • What brings no babies?

    The Swallow.

  • What's the difference between white students and black students?

    Black students bring the gun to school. White kids use it at school.

  • How does the stork bring babies?

    It pokes holes in condoms.

  • Why should you always bring an iPhone to Mos Eisley Cantina?

    Because droids can't get service.

  • Why did the man bring his jar of jam to the abortion clinic?

    He had trouble unscrewing it.

  • Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

    He was invited to thunday math.

  • What makes the Japanese better than Al Qaeda?

    At least the Japanese were considerate enough to bring their own planes

  • What animals do you bring to bed?

    Your calves.

  • Why are Norwegian women so hot?

    The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones!

  • Why did ISIS leader bring a car-door to the desert?

    So he could roll down the window when it gets too hot. How we joke in Kurdistan

  • What bring a dead duck back to life?

    A dead bullfrog.

  • What happens when you throw a black rock into the Red Sea?

    I originally thought that the black rock gets wet, but it was brought to my attention that the Red Sea is in the middle east, so it prob'ly starts a holy war!

  • Why does everyone love when a ghost goes to a party?

    Because he always brings the boos

  • Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

    Fo Drizzle.

  • What's the worst type of vegetable to bring on a boat?

    Grandpa. :(

  • What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

    One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

  • What does a cannibal bring to a barbecue?

    OC) Brats!

  • Why does Luigi bring an extra pair of overalls when he golfs?

    In case he gets a hole-in-one

  • What brings you to speed dating?

    Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

  • When are they going to bring slavery back?

    I am tired of looking for a job.

  • Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring?

    The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D

  • What is the slogan of the Mormon Church?

    We don't care how you bring 'em, just Brigham Young."

  • How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

  • What is the type of conference that brings together knights and mathematicians?

    A

  • Who did the baker bring to work?

    His doughter.

  • What's a sharks favorite game?

    Swallow the leader. *This joke has been brought to you by my 8 year old's math homework.*

  • What did Mr. Burns bring to the pot luck?

    Eggsalad

  • What did Zach De La Rocha bring home from the beach?

    A pocket full of shells.

  • Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

    Because it's soda pressing

  • What can bring out your inner child?

    A coathanger.

  • What does a vulture bring onto a plane?

    Carrion luggage

  • Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

    In case he got a hole-in-one.

  • What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac?

    You don't have to bring the flowers.

  • Why should you bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

    Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

  • What did the mohel bring to the BBQ potluck?

    His homemade Bris-kit.

  • How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?

    Bring her flours

  • Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

    Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

  • Why do ghosts get invited to parties?

    Because they always bring boos.

  • What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

    Poverty

  • Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?

    It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.

  • What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?

    The Philosophers Stoned

  • Why can't you bring valve oil to the airport?

    Because its a band substance

  • What can I bring to your party?

    Friend: A six pack. does 10 crunches cancels

  • Which rapper would you rather bring back from the dead?

    Tupac - Biggie Smalls - Eazy E - Meek Mills

  • What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?

    He brought it to school and said 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

  • Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two?

    In case he got a hole in one.

  • Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?

    A: He wanted to sing higher!

  • Why do toucans only go camping in pairs?

    So they can bring two canopies.

  • How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.

  • Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?

    He wanted to have some stage presents.

  • How many women does it take to bring down Herman Cain?

    Nine-Nine-Nine

  • Who was the best actor in the bible ?

    Samson he brought the house down !

  • What's all this?

    Bracken: Well you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie Nelson Tammy Wynette and Garth Brooks . . .

  • Why did they let the chicken join the band?

    Because he brought his own drumsticks