Cat Jokes
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What do ISIS and cats have in common?
They're both a bunch of pussies. Credit to Stephen Colbert.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?
A carrot !
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How do cats park their cars?
They allel park
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What do you call a cat that claims it's a lion crossed with a cougar?
A liar.
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Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
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Why do cats chase birds ?
For a lark !
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Whats so special about "demon cats"?
Aren't all cats pure evil
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How do cats speak to people?
They commeownicate.
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What did the cat say when it got hurt?
me-OW!
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What country do all cats wish to get their food from?
Viet NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM
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What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?
ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
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Why is a cat like a penny?
Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
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What did the cat do when he didn't want to watch the movie?
He paws-ed it!
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What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat?
Pounce...
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What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
A: A first-aid kit!
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What pets think about their owners?
A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
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What do Baptists and cats have in common?
You know they're doing it, you just can't catch them at it.
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What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?
A catastrophe !
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What kind of cats lay around the house?
A: Car-pets!
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How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ?
He has cat-arrh !
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Who won?
One two three' cat, because 'Un deux trois' cat sank.
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What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she's after both of us*
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What Australian city has the most cats?
Purrth.
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Why were the vets and pounds mad?
It was raining cats and dogs
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What's the wrong way to feed the cat?
to the dog.
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of the tree bark.
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What does cats and festival attendees have in common?
They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.
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Why don't cats like online shopping?
They prefer a cat-alogue.
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When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?
When it's raining cats and dogs !
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How do you cause a riot at a cat show?
Open a can
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What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes?
A leperd
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What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?
Let Meowt!!!!"
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Why dogs are called K9?
Because cats are K10
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What do you call the tech. at the vets who has to give injections to cats?
Claude.
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Who is the favourite communist leader of all the cats?
Mao
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Who's there ! Cartoon ! Cartoon who ?
Cartoon up just fine she purrs like a cat !
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What do you call a cat on fire?
A fur-nace
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Where do cats go when they die?
Purrgutory.
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Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because there is no oxygen and they'd die from UV radiation, you idiot.
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What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?
I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.
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What does a cat sleep on?
A: A caterpillow.
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What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?
Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss
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What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A CAT-ASTROPHE!
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Why don't my dog and my cat get along?
She's a Re-puppy-can and he's a Demo-cat!
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What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar?
Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.
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What did the one cat say to the other cat?
I'm not feline too good.
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What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?
The cat shat on the mat.
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What do you call a cat in love?
Romeow
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What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furrycanine
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What do cats listen to during their free time?
they listen to podcats.
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Why are cats against abortion?
Because they're CATholic
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Why wasn't the cat moving?
It was on paws
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What has more lives than a cat?
A frog -- it croaks every night.
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What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction?
You rub them the wrong way
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What animal is two animals at the same time?
The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.
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Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
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How do you make a cat go "meow"?
Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.
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How do we know cats are communists?
All they ever say is Mao.
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What would you call Mike Mauser if he was a cat?
Mike Meowser
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Whats the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
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What does a cat say when it lands on it's back?
Me. Ow.
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How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Douse it in gasoline and set it alight.
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Why did the cat stop singing?
Because it was out of tuna.
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What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat?
Katabatic
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What did Edgar Allen Poe name his cat?
Poepurry
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Why does everyone love cats?
A: They're purr-fect!
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What is worse than raining cats and dogs ?
Raining elephants !
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What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?
Their owner.
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What do you call a cat that torrents movies?
A copy cat.
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Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin ?
There was some money in the kitty !
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What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat ate her.
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What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
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What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !
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Why did the cat go to the hospital?
A: To have a CAT scan done.
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Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
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What do you call it when a cat stops?
A: A paws!
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Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one *tale*
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A cat-a-logue !
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What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together?
20 after 1.
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What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?
an im-paw-ster.
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Why do cats love small spaces?
cause pussies gotta be tight
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What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?
Five after one.
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How can you tell if a cat is blonde?
A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.
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Why do lesbians have cats?
They're into pussies.(
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Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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Why couldn't the cat speak?
A: The dog taped his mouth.
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Which cat made it across?
The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
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What cat purrs more than any other ?
Purrsians !
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How do you make a Cat sound like a Dog?
You pour some gasoline on it, light it on fire and it will go
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What's the difference between a kid and a cat?
Who has the diploma when you get rid of them.
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How's my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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What is the difference between a dog and a cat?
Kevin still doesn't know.
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What's a cats favorite Mexican dish?
A purr-rito
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What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?
Me. Ow.
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What did the cat say to the banana?
Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.
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How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a "crazy cat lady?
None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.
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What do you call a cat that's guilty of infidelity?
A cheetah
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What do you call a cat crossed with a canary?
a cosh(x/a)
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How do cats let us know that they are in pain ?
Me...........Owwwwww!!
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How do you make a cat go woof?
Paraffin and matches.
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What music do cats prefer?
Deadmau5
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Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree?
Because they're stuck up
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How many cats sawed in half does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apparently 10 aren't enough :
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How do you make a cat go "Woof!"?
Soak it in petrol and put a match to it. (This is a joke, not and instruction, Reddit)
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Who's there ! Cat ! Cat who ?
Cat you understand !
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
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What's the difference between a cat and a politician?
A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.
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What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?
She had mittens !
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Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate condensed milk !
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowntain.
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What did Iron Man call his cat?
FeLine
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar ?
A sourpuss !
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What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving?
Purolator.
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What did the cat say to the correctional officer?
Let MEOWWWWWOUT!!
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Why did the cat sleep under the car ?
Because she wanted to wake up oily !
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What's the difference between a frog and a cat?
A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.
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What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal?
Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.
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What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
A: Catsup!
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Which dog looks like a cat?
A police dog in disguise.
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How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?
Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof
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How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?
Cats
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Why can't you ever trust a cat?
Because they are always lion
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Why can't cats vote?
Because they are non-voting felines!
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What did the cat... Say to the person?
Nothing, because cats don't speak.
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Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
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Why was the cat scared of the tree?
Because of its bark
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What's mostly red and has 2 legs?
Half of a cat.
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Where do cats go on vacation?
Maui.
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How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Douse it with petrol and toss a lit match. WOOF!
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What does a cat say when he likes something?
A: It's purrrfect.
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How do you know a cat is ready to leave?
He makes a fe-line for the door.
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowtain.
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Who abhors a vacuum more than nature?
A cat.
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Why did the cat give birth at the park?
Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"
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Why is Germany uninhabitable for cats?
They have nein lives!
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How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?
A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !
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Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House?
A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!
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Why couldn't the cat walk through the door?
it had a javelin through it's head.
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Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
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What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle?
The purr-rimiter.
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How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?
There are poodles everywhere!
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What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat?
A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!
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What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
9/11
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How am I not qualified?
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"
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What noise does a cat make going down the highway ?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !
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What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common?
They both have Sandy Claws.
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What was Schrodinger's favorite childhood book?
The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
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What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?
Puss in boots !
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What do you call a man without arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude!
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How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?
By thinking outside the box
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What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?
One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.
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What do you call it when a cat howls?
It Meyowls
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Who in the organisation likes cats the most?
The purchaser.
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Why did the cat go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't feline well
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What did the alien say to the cat?
Take me to your litter.
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Why do you want to be Jedi?
Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army To keep the peace
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What do cats and people that submit jokes with the punchline "PLAGIARISM" have in common?
THEY BOTH LICK THEIR PAWS!
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Who should get the cat?
I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"
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What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast?
Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww
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How are cats like empty wine bottles?
I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
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How do cats buy things?
A: From a cat-alogue!
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What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum. Bartender pours it Cat slowly pushes it off the bar Cat: Another.
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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge ?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !
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Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical?
Because m'cavity.
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Why do we call dogs, K-9?
because K-10 is for cats.
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What did the cat say to the human after being hit with a baseball bat?
Nothing. Cats don't freaking talk.
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How'd you get the scratches?
flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
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Why is K-9 another term for a dog?
Because if it was a cat, it would be a K-10.
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What is the difference between a feminist and a cat?
One of them is annoying, dangerous, hairy, lazy, disgusting and filthy and the other one is just a feminist
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What is the appropriate response when your cat tells you a joke?
You've gotta be kitten me. You can SPEAK?!?
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What do cats read in the morning ?
Mewspapers !
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What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies?
A purrvert.
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Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?
Purrgatory.
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How do you make a cat sounds like a dog?
Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. !
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What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
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Why could'nt one cat impregnate the other cat??
Its because they're both pussies!!
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How does a cat tell time??
In meowers
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What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat?
Claude
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Why did the cat get arrested for playing a violin?
Because it was a kitty fiddler.
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What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?
A visit from the cops.
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What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other?
Purranks.
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?
Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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What do you call a cat who takes a shortcut in a race?
A Cheetah.
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When the cat's away.....?
The house smells better !
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What's long and stylish and full of cats?
The Easter Purrade!
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What do you call a cat with 3 legs?
A handicat
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Where do cats go to vacation?
Meowi
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Where do cats write down notes?
A: Scratch Paper!
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How many cats?
One.
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Why was Lisa not able to ride a bike?
She was a cat.
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What does a cat say when its trapped in a box?
Let MEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWt
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What does a cat call a bowl of mice ?
A purrfect meal !
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What do you call it when a Cat wins a Dogshow?
Cat-has-trophy. Such punny. Much Cringe.
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What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?
Here Kitty kitty kitty' !
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What did Hamlet say to his cat?
Get thee to a nyanery!
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How can a cat walk with no feet?
He can't, it's impawsible.
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Why did the cat befriend the dog?
Because the dog let the cat out of the bag! Haha!
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How to teach a cat how to bark?
Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!
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What's a good name for a cat?
Catsper.
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Why did the cat cross the road?
Because curiousity was on the other side
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What is a Redditors favorite animal?
A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.
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Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower?
Because they're the largest re-tail-er
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What do you call a cat sitting on the edge of a cliff?
A precipuss.
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Why did the cat fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
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Why are there no cats in Germany?
Because they have nein lives.
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Whatcha thinkin about?
Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.
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How many cats does it take to make a fur coat?
None! Cats can't sew!
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What do you call it when a cat gets angry?
A hissy fit. ba dum tss.
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What do the French call artificial feet for cats?
Faux Paws
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What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?
I'm paw !
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What do you call the parents of a cat?
His PURR-ents
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What did the cat cough up when it was sick?
Meowcus
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How do you change a cat into a dog?
Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"
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Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ?
Cats can't drive !
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What kind of cat should you take into the desert ?
A first aid kitty !
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What's a cats favorite firearm?
A meowser
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What movie aspect ratio do cats prefer?
Litterbox.
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What did the cat say to the prison guard?
Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!
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What language do cats speak?
Catonese
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What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ?
An octopuss !
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Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
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What do you call a cat on a big plate?
a platterpuss
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What happened to the cant when it ate a ball of wool?
What happened to the cat when it ate a ball of wool? It had mittens
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Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn?
To scare off Cat burglars!
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Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?
Because it was raining cats and dogs. :D
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Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?
Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
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Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?
It doesn't like Cats.
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What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50
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How do you know when a cat's done cleaning itself?
It's smoking a cigarette.
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What do you get when you make a scarf out of a cat?
A Neko.
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Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !
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Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
A: Catch.
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How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
You freeze it, put it on a bandsaw and cut it; "Meoooow".
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What is the difference between cats and commas?
This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.
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What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?
The Cat in the AT-AT
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Why is a frog luckier than a cat ?
Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times !
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Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?
Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
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What do you get when you cross my brain with a cat?
A cat.
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How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?
If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"
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Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?
To the retail store!
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What's a cats most common written thought?
mmmnhhhhgcdddxxdtyyhhbvbbb
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Why did the chicken give the cat his mashed potatoes?
To get to the other side.