Cat Jokes

Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof

What did the cat say when it got hurt?

me-OW!

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How many cats does it take to make a fur coat?

None! Cats can't sew!

What do you call the tech. at the vets who has to give injections to cats?

Claude.

Why did the cat befriend the dog?

Because the dog let the cat out of the bag! Haha!

What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.

How do you make a Cat sound like a Dog?

You pour some gasoline on it, light it on fire and it will go

Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?

It doesn't like Cats.

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

Let Meowt!!!!"

How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?

By thinking outside the box

Where do cats go to vacation?

Meowi

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What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction?

You rub them the wrong way

Who is the favourite communist leader of all the cats?

Mao

Why wasn't the cat moving?

It was on paws

What did the cat say to the human after being hit with a baseball bat?

Nothing. Cats don't freaking talk.

What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat?

Pounce...

What Australian city has the most cats?

Purrth.

What do Baptists and cats have in common?

You know they're doing it, you just can't catch them at it.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

9/11

Why could'nt one cat impregnate the other cat??

Its because they're both pussies!!

This joke may have profanity.

Why don't cats like online shopping?

They prefer a cat-alogue.

How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?

There are poodles everywhere!

What do ISIS and cats have in common?

They're both a bunch of pussies. Credit to Stephen Colbert.

This joke may have profanity.

How do you know a cat is ready to leave?

He makes a fe-line for the door.

What do you get when you cross my brain with a cat?

A cat.

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Why is Germany uninhabitable for cats?

They have nein lives!

What do you call it when a cat gets angry?

A hissy fit. ba dum tss.

What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving?

Purolator.

What do you call a cat who takes a shortcut in a race?

A Cheetah.

Whats the difference between cats and dogs?

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

Why can't cats vote?

Because they are non-voting felines!

Why did the cat get arrested for playing a violin?

Because it was a kitty fiddler.

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.

Why do we call dogs, K-9?

because K-10 is for cats.

What do you call a cat crossed with a canary?

a cosh(x/a)

What animal is two animals at the same time?

The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.

What did the cat say to the prison guard?

Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!

What did the cat say to the correctional officer?

Let MEOWWWWWOUT!!

Why couldn't the cat walk through the door?

it had a javelin through it's head.

Why did the cat stop singing?

Because it was out of tuna.

Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn?

To scare off Cat burglars!

What music do cats prefer?

Deadmau5

How do cats let us know that they are in pain ?

Me...........Owwwwww!!

What animal has more lives than a cat?

A frog. It croaks every night.

Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?

Because it was raining cats and dogs. :D

What is the appropriate response when your cat tells you a joke?

You've gotta be kitten me. You can SPEAK?!?

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

You freeze it, put it on a bandsaw and cut it; "Meoooow".

What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar?

Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

What's a cats most common written thought?

mmmnhhhhgcdddxxdtyyhhbvbbb

What happened to the cant when it ate a ball of wool?

What happened to the cat when it ate a ball of wool? It had mittens

Why did the cat fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

How do you make a cat go woof?

Paraffin and matches.

What do you call a cat sitting on the edge of a cliff?

A precipuss.

What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?

A visit from the cops.

How does a cat tell time??

In meowers

What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle?

The purr-rimiter.

Why are there no cats in Germany?

Because they have nein lives.

Why did the cat go to the doctors?

Because it wasn't feline well

Why do lesbians have cats?

They're into pussies.(

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call it when a Cat wins a Dogshow?

Cat-has-trophy. Such punny. Much Cringe.

What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together?

20 after 1.

How do cats park their cars?

They allel park

What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?

I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.

What's the difference between a kid and a cat?

Who has the diploma when you get rid of them.

How many cats?

One.

What language do cats speak?

Catonese

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

What movie aspect ratio do cats prefer?

Litterbox.

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

How do you know when a cat's done cleaning itself?

It's smoking a cigarette.

What's the wrong way to feed the cat?

to the dog.

What did the cat cough up when it was sick?

Meowcus

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

Douse it with petrol and toss a lit match. WOOF!

How do you make a cat sounds like a dog?

Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. !

Why was Lisa not able to ride a bike?

She was a cat.

What's mostly red and has 2 legs?

Half of a cat.

What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat?

A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!

Where do cats go on vacation?

Maui.

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Which 2 Birthdays go by the quickest?

the twenty second ones and the thirty second ones

How do you tell 2 Scotsmen apart?

You lift their kilts, and whichever one of them has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!

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How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

By how fast it sinks.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

That's where you wash all your vegetables!

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Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline?

And when did my wife start smoking

What's the difference between water and gasoline?

In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.

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How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?

Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof