Edit Jokes

  • What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

    Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that

  • How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


  • How to keep an idiot waiting?

    I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.

  • What two words result in the most marriages?

    Screw it. EDIT: has a better answer lol

  • What do blacks and bikes have in common?

    They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.

  • What do you call a family of redheads?

    Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

  • What's the main problem with Wookie steaks?

    They're a little Chewie. (Edit: Wookiee***)

  • How does a Muslim get a hot date?

    He puts it in the microwave. EDIT: Looks like you guys are real dim....

  • What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

    Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

  • How'd you sleep last night?

    Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

  • Why do Chinese only care about themselves?

    Because they have no i's (plural of i). Edit: eyes. Eyes guys. It's a bad pun.

  • Why do white people like cheese so much?

    Because they're made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.

  • Why Is Chemistry Racist?

    It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.

  • What happened after the King of All Cosmos destroyed the stars in a drunken rage?

    Divine intervention. edit: Oh.

  • What are you drinking, son?

    Soy milk. -Hola milk, soy tu padre. Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

  • Why do Gypsy's walk funny?

    Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.

  • Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

    I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through

  • What is a pirates favorite article of clothing?

    His sc*aaarrrr*f Edit: I get it guys, you all have better punchlines than me.

  • Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

    Doctor Dolittle

  • What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?

    A predditor. EDIT:

  • What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2?

    Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd

  • What kind of fruit tells the best jokes?

    A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.

  • What were Jesus' final words?

    So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

  • Why did the kid cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.

  • Why did the water level in the pond rise?

    Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.

  • Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

    Because it's a catastrophe :-) Yeah, ok, I'll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.

  • Why did the gynecologist get taken in for questioning?

    He smelled a little fishy. Edit: a word.

  • What do you get when you cut up an avagadro?

    Guaca**mole**y edit: how do I make it not say this joke is Dirty

  • What do the wage gap and the story of Hercules have in common?

    They're both myths.

  • How are Harambe memes keeping up?

    Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

  • How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?

    Edit: Wow, I did not expect this to get so many upvotes!

  • Why did the chip chase the sauce?

    To ketchup Edit: I'm sorry

  • Why do teenagers want to work for Intel?

    Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even

  • What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

    A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. EDIT: Spelled "Tyrannosaurus" incorrectly.

  • How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

    Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

  • How is life at the post office going?

    It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness

  • What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

    A flat miner. EDIT: spelling

  • What do you call a blind, legless buck?

    No eye-deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke

  • Why did the protester cross the road?

    To get to the Occupy! EDIT: To get to the other side/Occupy?

  • What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?

    I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.

  • What does A&W stand for?

    Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

  • What does A&W stand for?

    Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

  • What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?

    Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!

  • How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: a word

  • Why was 4 afraid of 5?

    Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.

  • What's a ducks favourite snack?

    Quackers! **EDIT: Spelling**

  • When Arwen and Aragorn got married... was Frodo designated to be the Ring bearer?

    edit Thanks KikifounUnui... not my main language TT

  • How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

    If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.

  • Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

    So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

  • What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?

    They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud

  • What's worse: ignorance or indifference?

    Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.

  • What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

    You. Why I oughta...! Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!

  • How about that airplane food?

    Edit: I'm so sorry.

  • Why did the surfer join ISIS?

    Because he was totally radical! EDIT: I guess this didn't blow up.

  • Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

    Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

  • What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?

    Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).

  • Who is the best Podracer in Star Wars?

    Michael Chewbacca EDIT: Some people don't get the joke..... Michael schumacher is a F1 race car driving legend.

  • What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

    You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry

  • What's the worst kind of joke?

    Clickbait. Edit: Added a space which triggered someone.

  • How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?

    By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!

  • How do you drowned a hipster?

    Throw them in the mainstream. Edit: spelling because I'm 5

  • What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

    He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

  • What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy?

    Edit: Whoops wrong sub.

  • What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

    There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?

  • What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend?

    Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me Edit: I'm an idiot

  • What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away?

    Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit.

  • What do blondes and computer have in common?

    You never appreciate them until they go down on you. edit: computers

  • What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

    Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

  • What's better than a rose on a piano?

    Tulips on an organ. Edit: accidentally a letter.

  • What do you call a Pho restaurant run by 9 Japanese chefs?

    Pho Kyuu EDIT: No one understands how to pronounce "Pho". ;;

  • What is the difference between in-law and vultures?

    Vultures attack first, when you are dead.

  • Why are calculators grey and boring?

    Cause it's what's on the inside that counts! EDIT: it was a joke guys:(

  • What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

    Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part

  • What's the difference between procrastination and laziness?

    RemindMe! 2 days to edit this post

  • Why did Rodney Dangerfield always make such unbalanced RPG characters?

    He never got no respec. *edited to make grammar worse

  • Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?

    Because he was sheet faced.

  • What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?

    Pao! Edit: Whoa, FP gold. Thank you!

  • What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?

    Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar. EDIT: changed multiply to cross.

  • What was the other reindeer's name?


  • How do you make a door cry?

    You twist its knob. edit: grammar

  • What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?

    You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond

  • How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

    I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

  • Why should you distrust atoms?

    Because they make up an awful lot of stuff. EDIT: Because I forgot about neutrinos.

  • Why did Russia lose the race?

    Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

  • How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

    It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

  • How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?

    I Excel at it." "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir " "Word." Edit: thanks u/SteveJobsiGhost

  • What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

    Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'

  • What's reddit without the R&D?


  • What's the best part about living in a black family?

    You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost

  • Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

    It was on a strict diet of worms. edit: changed pronoun to avoid ambiguity

  • What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a seven year old?

    Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four

  • Why did the paralympic athlete loose the race?

    He didn't start off with the right foot. EDIT: Ortography

  • How do you make a duck into a soul singer?

    Put it in the oven at three fifty tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers. Edit:summoning happened.

  • What do you call a smart knife?

    Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.

  • Why can't we edit tweets?

    Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

  • How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

    It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

  • Why shouldn't you laugh when a black man falls off his bike?

    It could be your bike. EDIT: Spelling.