Edit Jokes
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What bleeds once a month in the mouth?
Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that
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How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nun.
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How to keep an idiot waiting?
I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.
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What two words result in the most marriages?
Screw it. EDIT: has a better answer lol
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What do blacks and bikes have in common?
They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.
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What do you call a family of redheads?
Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.
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What's the main problem with Wookie steaks?
They're a little Chewie. (Edit: Wookiee***)
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How does a Muslim get a hot date?
He puts it in the microwave. EDIT: Looks like you guys are real dim....
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What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!
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How'd you sleep last night?
Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.
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Why do Chinese only care about themselves?
Because they have no i's (plural of i). Edit: eyes. Eyes guys. It's a bad pun.
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Why do white people like cheese so much?
Because they're made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.
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Why Is Chemistry Racist?
It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.
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What happened after the King of All Cosmos destroyed the stars in a drunken rage?
Divine intervention. edit: Oh.
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What are you drinking, son?
Soy milk. -Hola milk, soy tu padre. Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
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Why do Gypsy's walk funny?
Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.
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Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?
I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through
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What is a pirates favorite article of clothing?
His sc*aaarrrr*f Edit: I get it guys, you all have better punchlines than me.
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Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?
Doctor Dolittle
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What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?
A predditor. EDIT:
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What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2?
Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd
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What kind of fruit tells the best jokes?
A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.
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What were Jesus' final words?
So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.
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Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.
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Why did the water level in the pond rise?
Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.
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Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?
Because it's a catastrophe :-) Yeah, ok, I'll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.
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Why did the gynecologist get taken in for questioning?
He smelled a little fishy. Edit: a word.
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What do you get when you cut up an avagadro?
Guaca**mole**y edit: how do I make it not say this joke is Dirty
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What do the wage gap and the story of Hercules have in common?
They're both myths.
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How are Harambe memes keeping up?
Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.
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How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?
Edit: Wow, I did not expect this to get so many upvotes!
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Why did the chip chase the sauce?
To ketchup Edit: I'm sorry
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Why do teenagers want to work for Intel?
Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?
A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. EDIT: Spelled "Tyrannosaurus" incorrectly.
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How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?
Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any
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How is life at the post office going?
It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness
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What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat miner. EDIT: spelling
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What do you call a blind, legless buck?
No eye-deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke
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Why did the protester cross the road?
To get to the Occupy! EDIT: To get to the other side/Occupy?
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What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?
I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.
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What does A&W stand for?
Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.
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What does A&W stand for?
Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.
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What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?
Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!
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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: a word
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Why was 4 afraid of 5?
Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.
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What's a ducks favourite snack?
Quackers! **EDIT: Spelling**
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When Arwen and Aragorn got married... was Frodo designated to be the Ring bearer?
edit Thanks KikifounUnui... not my main language TT
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How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?
If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.
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Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?
So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"
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What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?
They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud
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What's worse: ignorance or indifference?
Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.
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What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
You. Why I oughta...! Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
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How about that airplane food?
Edit: I'm so sorry.
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Why did the surfer join ISIS?
Because he was totally radical! EDIT: I guess this didn't blow up.
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Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?
Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...
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What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?
Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).
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Who is the best Podracer in Star Wars?
Michael Chewbacca EDIT: Some people don't get the joke..... Michael schumacher is a F1 race car driving legend.
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What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?
You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry
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What's the worst kind of joke?
Clickbait. Edit: Added a space which triggered someone.
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How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!
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How do you drowned a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream. Edit: spelling because I'm 5
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What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?
He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.
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What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy?
Edit: Whoops wrong sub.
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What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?
There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?
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What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend?
Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me Edit: I'm an idiot
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What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away?
Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit.
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What do blondes and computer have in common?
You never appreciate them until they go down on you. edit: computers
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.
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What's better than a rose on a piano?
Tulips on an organ. Edit: accidentally a letter.
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What do you call a Pho restaurant run by 9 Japanese chefs?
Pho Kyuu EDIT: No one understands how to pronounce "Pho". ;;
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What is the difference between in-law and vultures?
Vultures attack first, when you are dead.
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Why are calculators grey and boring?
Cause it's what's on the inside that counts! EDIT: it was a joke guys:(
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What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part
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What's the difference between procrastination and laziness?
RemindMe! 2 days to edit this post
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Why did Rodney Dangerfield always make such unbalanced RPG characters?
He never got no respec. *edited to make grammar worse
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Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?
Because he was sheet faced.
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What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?
Pao! Edit: Whoa, FP gold. Thank you!
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What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?
Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar. EDIT: changed multiply to cross.
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What was the other reindeer's name?
Olive.
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How do you make a door cry?
You twist its knob. edit: grammar
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What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond
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How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?
I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.
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Why should you distrust atoms?
Because they make up an awful lot of stuff. EDIT: Because I forgot about neutrinos.
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Why did Russia lose the race?
Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)
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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.
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How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?
I Excel at it." "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir " "Word." Edit: thanks u/SteveJobsiGhost
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What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?
Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'
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What's reddit without the R&D?
Edit:
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What's the best part about living in a black family?
You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost
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Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?
It was on a strict diet of worms. edit: changed pronoun to avoid ambiguity
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What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a seven year old?
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four
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Why did the paralympic athlete loose the race?
He didn't start off with the right foot. EDIT: Ortography
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How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven at three fifty tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers. Edit:summoning happened.
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What do you call a smart knife?
Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.
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Why can't we edit tweets?
Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."
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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.
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Why shouldn't you laugh when a black man falls off his bike?
It could be your bike. EDIT: Spelling.