Teacher Jokes
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What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
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What did the teacher call her intelligent yet self-harming student?
Her scar pupil.
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Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
Because there is lots of school spirit!
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What happened when the teacher fell in the copier?
A: She was beside herself.
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Why did the teacher have trouble controlling her pupils?
She was cross eyed.
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What were you before you came to school boys and girls?
asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"
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What is the most common phrase used in school ?
Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correct !
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Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
because she couldn't control her pupils
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Why did the mexican girl get pregnant?
Because her teacher told her to do an essay
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What is can't short for ?
Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !
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Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask questions!
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Whoever answers my next question, can go home One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I'm going home now.
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How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
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Why can't geometry teachers tell good jokes?
They go off on tangents.
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What happened when the black man went to night school?
The teacher marked him absent.
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Which teachers make pupils feel good about themselves?
Maths teachers, they make everybody count.
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Why are teachers always making answer keys?
So they can open doors of opportunity for their students.
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What is school like?
It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid.
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF file.
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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that's what students are for.
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How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
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What are the four elements?
Pupil: Fire Earth Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet Pupil: Well Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net I'm in my element.
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How many teachers does it take to solve algebra?
None, that's what students are for.
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What have you been doing?
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly.
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Why is your paper blank?
Teacher: Why is your paper blank? Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer ! :D :D
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Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
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How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
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Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
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What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.
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How do you spell ichael?
The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."
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What's a difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"
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Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
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Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
Because he was Haydn.
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What is the outside of a tree called?
Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.
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What do you call a teacher that's always late?
Mr. Bus (think about it)
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How much is a gram?
Me- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out"
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What are you reading ?
Pupil : I dunno ! Teacher : But you're reading aloud ! Pupil : But I'm not listening !
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What is the difference between a teacher and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four...
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What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!
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What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind the other minds the train.
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What did Justin Beiber say to his teacher?
What do you mean?
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What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
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What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says, "Spit out your gum!" The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"
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Why did the 16 year old Mexican girl get pregnant?
Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.
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What do teachers drink at school?
Facul-tea
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How did the white girl get pregnant?
Her teacher told her to do an essay. (ese)
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What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really what did she say Son: Baa!
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Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?
Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
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Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because he was Haydn.
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Whatever's the matter ?
asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
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Why do we need to go to college?
Student: Why do we need to go to college? Teacher: So we can get a high paying job Student: Why do we need a high paying job Teacher: So we can get lots of money Student: Why do we need lots of money Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans
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Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa?
Teacher's aides
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What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
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Why did the feminist accuse her teacher of misogyny?
Because he'd D graded her.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train the other trains the mind.
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Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?
It wasn't her job to educate people.
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How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.
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What did the teacher do with the student's cheese report?
She grated it.
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When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.
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Why would I do that?
Teacher: Because it's 90 degrees over there.
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Which kid is yours?
Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'
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Who built the first American car?
Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims " Student: "Yeah they made the Mayflower Compact."
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Why wouldn't the teacher fart in public?
Because she was a private tutor
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What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
He brought it to school and said 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
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What do you call the teacher who lost her baby?
Miss Carriage
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Which teachers care the most about their students?
Math teachers, because every student counts.
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Why were you late?
Pupil: Sorry teacher I overslept. Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!
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What is a geometry teachers favorite movie?
Angles in the Outfield
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What is science?
Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science Student: science is our Lesson for today.
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Why did the teacher cross the room?
To get to the other slide.
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Where are the raisins today?
A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."
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Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher?
He only had one pupil.
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Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor?
Their teacher told them not to use tables!
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What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tooter
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Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant?
Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
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Why did the Mexican school girl get pregnant?
Here teacher said to go home and do her "essay".
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What should a teacher take if he's run down?
The number of the car that hit him.
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What do you call the teacher who's late?
Mister bus
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School?
Just planning ahead...
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What do you call a teacher who's always late for school?
Mr Bus.
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What do you call a teacher who's always late?
Mr. Buss
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Why did Stephen get an A on his test?
He held his teacher at gunpoint and forced her to give him a good grade despite the fact he got an F.
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Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?
He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...