Count Jokes

  • How many beers is that for you today, dear?

    Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

  • What did the demonic junkie get charged with?

    Two counts of possession

  • What can a monster do that you can't do?

    Count up to 25 on his fingers.

  • Why are dwarfs so good at math?

    Because it's the little things that count.

  • How does the Terminator lose weight?

    By counting Kylereese.

  • How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

    He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

  • Why can't Jamaicans count to 10?

    Because there's a *tree* in the way!

  • When things go wrong, what can you always count on?

    Your fingers.

  • How many chicken does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Still counting. Those darned birds can't seem to cross the road to get over here to screw in the light bulb.

  • Why do women live on average two years longer?

    Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.

  • How does Rudy Giuliani count to 10?

    He doesn't he skips 1-8 and says 9-11 ten times.

  • Why does VALVE end with 2?

    Because they can't count to

  • How are a full count in baseball and a mutated 2 time convict the same?

    They both have 3 balls and 2 strikes.

  • Why could the french man not count to four?

    He could not get past the tree!

  • How does the farmer count up his cows?

    with a cowculator.

  • How many legs does the dog have?

    4 y.o: Five Me: There's something wrong with your counting. 4: There's something wrong with the dog.

  • What do Dothraki use to count their horses?

    A Khalculator

  • What does it sounds like when a Japanese Homer Simpson forgets how to count to 11?

    Nin, ten, " ....I'll leave now.

  • Which teachers make pupils feel good about themselves?

    Maths teachers, they make everybody count.

  • How many lazy people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Count for yourself...

  • Why can't Arabs manage the scoreboards at ball games?

    Because people get nervous when Mohammad starts counting down from 10.

  • How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

    He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing

  • How do farmers count their cattle?

    With a culator

  • What's the difference between Gabe Newell and a toddler?

    A toddler can count past two...

  • How do they count the Mexican immigrants?

    They start with Juan

  • Why do mathematicians only count up to 287?

    Because if they count one more it would be 2gross to continue.

  • How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money?

    By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".

  • Why don't girls count to two?

    Because they "can't even."

  • How many dogs does it take to count 14 plates?

    14, maybe 15, but only if the plates ... 'run around a lot!'

  • What's the difference between democracy and feudalism?

    Q: What's the difference between democracy and feudalism A: In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your Count votes.

  • Which snake is the best at counting Nigerians?

    A Black Adder

  • Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 100?

    Because when she got to 69, there was a frog in her throat.

  • How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

    Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

  • Why are modern women more likely to pursue a STEM degree?

    They need to learn scientific notation to keep track of their n-count.

  • Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?

    He was caught counting carbs.

  • Why can't blondes count to 70?

    Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

  • What do Dracula's girlfriend and Mike Tyson have in common?

    They both go down for the count!!

  • When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency?

    When the chips are down!

  • How do mathematicians count x-men?


  • What did the hill that was counting its pocket change say to the other hill?

    Don't worry, I'm just amounting.

  • Why are calculators grey and boring?

    Cause it's what's on the inside that counts! EDIT: it was a joke guys:(

  • How do you count cows?

    You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.

  • What do conspiracy nuts do to fall asleep?

    They count sheeple.

  • Why couldn't Miss Piggy count to 70?

    She got a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

  • What do you call the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch voting?

    Counting Crows

  • How many beers did you have while I was gone?

    Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.

  • What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ?

    The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !

  • Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting?

    They literally can't even.

  • Which one can do it?

    It's the thot that counts.

  • How many children did Josh Duggar molest?

    19 kids and counting. Too soon? :/

  • Why do pirates love football so much?

    Cus they love to count YAAAARds.

  • How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar?

    Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.

  • What's the difference between a 100 year old and a 4 year old?

    What base you're counting in.

  • Which teachers care the most about their students?

    Math teachers, because every student counts.

  • How many shags have you had?

    He started counting then fell asleep.

  • Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math?

    Because he likes to Count.

  • Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

    Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.

  • How many black guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    You cant count them when its dark

  • What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon?

    dis counts!!

  • Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?

    Because her boyfriend was going in .

  • What's a Michigander?

    A: An Ohioan who can read. Q: What's an Ohioan? A: A Kentuckian who can count. Q: What's a Kentuckian? A: A West Virginian with a branching family tree. Q: And who the hell are you to be making all these rude judgments? A: Trauma counselor for tour guides.

  • What's Subway Jared's favorite TV show?

    19 Kids and Counting

  • What makes the Palestinians tick?

    Not counting the bombs strapped to their chests, I have no clue.

  • Why can't French people count to 5?

    Because there's a in the way.

  • What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?

    Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.

  • How do '90s kids count to 6?

    Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

  • How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

    Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

  • What is the proper weight for a lawyer?

    About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!

  • What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

    She quits counting.

  • What is WRONG with you?

    Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let's see... ok... carry the 1... um... That would be everything

  • Why is 12 the highest number rednecks can count to?

    How else would they know how many cans are in a 12 pack.

  • What kind of ant can count?

    An account*ant*.

  • Why was the girl at starbucks counting her coins in 3's?

    Because white girls cant even

  • What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?


  • What is Dracula's girlfriend called when she gives him head?

    Down for the count!

  • How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg?

    Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesnt make it a leg.

  • Why can't girls count to 70?

    Cause 69's a mouthful!

  • How do you count a herd of cattle?

    How do you count a herd of cattle? Q: How do you count a herd of cattle? A: With a cowculator.

  • How much do you love me?

    Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know

  • How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is?

    Count the stripes on his track pants.

  • How do I love thee?

    Let me count the ways... Five.

  • Why do 2 bit gamblers never win at blackjack ?

    Because they can only count to 3.

  • Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

    Because of the Taliban (say it out loud)

  • What did the dejected man say to the considerate calculator trying to console him?

    It's the bot that counts.

  • How do Filipinos count money?

    One-a two-a three-a four-a another-a ...

  • How does a blonde count a thousand sheep?

    She counts the legs, and divides by 4.

  • How many black guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    You cant count them when its dark

  • How does Microsoft count to 10?

    1, 2, 3, 95, 98, ME, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.