Stand Jokes
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Why does the Asian News Anchor not stand up from behind his desk during presidential races?
because he's covering an erection!
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How did redditor heckle the stand up comic?
The real joke is always in the comments!"
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What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight?
Ereptile Dysfunction.
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How are one night stands like savings accounts?
you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.
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How could the pimp always easily locate his ho?
Because, she really stands out on the street.
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What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute?
Oh yeah...39
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What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up?
A dog.
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What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back?
A receding hare line.
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How many guys in the friend zone does it take to light a light bulb?
None, they just stand around complimenting it, and get mad when it won't screw.
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What does C3PO stand for?
Because he's got rusty knees.
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What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours?
Tire-less
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Why was the double leg amputee sentenced to life?
He had no leg to stand on.
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Why would a dead girl lie?
Because she can't stand up.
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When you're cold inside, where do you stand?
You usually want to stand at a corner, they're around 90 degree's xD
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How can Ozzy Osbourne possibly sing that?
when Tony Iommi is standing right next to him, alive and well.
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What is the best stand-up routine of our time?
I nominate Chris Rock's Never Scared.
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Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse?
They can not stand stakes!
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What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast?
Head Russian...
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What does the GO in Pokmon GO stand for?
Go Outside
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How do I find answers using Google.com?
on Yahoo Answers. Stand by while the internet divides itself by zero.
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Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
It's two tired.
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What do you do if you're lost in an Icelandic forest?
Stand up!
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What do you call a one night stand with a robot?
Nut and bolt
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What is the definition of a farmer!?
Someone who is out-standing in his field!
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What does HONDA stand for?
Hold On, Not Done Accelerating.
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Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes?
Could they not hire taller dancers
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What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?
Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window
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Why couldn't the bike stand up?
It was too tired.
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How do you know if someone's an expert archer?
Put an apple on your head & stand still he'll Tell you.
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What did the hat say to the coat stand?
You stay here, I'll go on a head.
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Why are you standing in front of the Gentlement Restroom?
Sarah kept silent.
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Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
Because they're two tired
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What do you call two women standing side by side?
Four abreast!
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What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody.
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Why are farmers the best at what they do?
They are out standing in their field.
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How many Unidans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six: one to screw it in and five to cheer him on loudly while standing in front of other people's bulbs so no one can see them.
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What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
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What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor, Old, Niagga, Thinks, It's, A, Cadillac. Ba dum tssss
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How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?
fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job.
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How many feminists does to take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one. She stands with the bulb and the world revolves around her.
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Why are double amputees always wrong?
Because they don't have a leg to stand on. Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.
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What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
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How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."
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What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get!
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Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
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What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?
At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS" At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
It was 2 tired...
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Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
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What do you call a group of rabbits, standing single file, hopping backwards?
A receding hare line!
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How do you give a time-out to a Mexican child?
Have him stand against a wall.
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Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink
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What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
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How do pirates get their hair to stand up?
Sea-men. My brother told me that
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Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?
Because the captain stood on the deck.
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Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?
His vision was based on movements.
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Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?
Can't they just get taller women
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What does MSG stand for?
Mandarin Service Guaranteed.
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What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley?
Elaine
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Who's there ! Adore ! Adore who ?
Adore stands between us open up !
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How did he get off?
It wouldn't stand up in court
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Why does Bernie always hold the podium while giving a speech?
It's tough to stand on your own when you have no spine.
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Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?
Because she couldn't stand him.
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What do you call a man who can't stand?
Neal
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None they all stand around complementing it then get mad when it wont screw. Heard from my friend
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Why are cripples always made fun of?
because they can't stand up for themselves!
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What do you call a woman standing in the middle of at tennis court?
Annette!
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Where did the memes make their last stand?
The Aylmao.
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How can you tell if you're in Detroit or across the river in Windsor Ontario Canada?
Stand in the middle of the street. If someone yells, "hey, get out of the street" you're in the US. If they yell, "get out of the street, eh" you're in Canada
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
Because if they didn't they'd fall over.
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What do you call a kid that stands up to bullies?
An ambulance.
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What did N say to Z?
Stand up!
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Where do you guys stand on the cheese debate?
I'm staunchly pro-volone.
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Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror?
He couldn't stand to see himself like that.
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Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Cause he can't do stand-up.
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When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
When he is standing next to your lady saying her hair smells nice.
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Why are cows so famous?
Because they're out-standing in their field.
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Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?
It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.
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What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"
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Why are there rugs in front of the stove and the sink?
So women know where to stand in the kitchen.
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Why did Mrs. Piggy's relationship fail?
She couldn't stand making Kermitments
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How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, three to stand around so he has someone to hi-five after.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
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Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got Five
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What do you call a Muslim standing between two buildings?
Ali
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Why can't the bicycle stand on its own?
Because it's two-tired
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Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award?
Because he was always out standing in his field.
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What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts?
He's a keeper"
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What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?
Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss
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How does Ohm conduct an orchestra?
Standing on his head!
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What does the 'H' in Jesus 'H' Christ stand for?
Haploid
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What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward?
OC A receeding Herr line.
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What do you call a man standing up to his knees in water?
Wade
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What's the only thing politicians stand for?
Reelection.
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What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?
Unbereavable.
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Why do virgins never stand still?
They are used to being chaste.
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How can you tell if a woman's picture is photoshopped?
She isn't standing in the kitchen
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What should it sound like when it's connecting?
guy in the back stands up confidently Pterodactyls
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When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why?
They are out standing in the field
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Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk?
He can't stand the 1%
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What did Sting say to his proctologist?
Don't stand so close to me.
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When is it okay to punch a midget?
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
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Why can't the bicycle stand on its own ?
Because its two tyred
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What does BMW stand for?
Black man working
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How many yankees fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll just stand in the dark talking about how good the old one was.
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What does NASCAR stand for?
Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)
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Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own?
It was two-tired. *Slaps knee* *Prosthetic leg falls off*
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was too tired...
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What letter stands for the ocean?
The letter C.
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Why do people in wheelchairs have such low confidence?
Because they never stand up for themselves.
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What does idk stand for?
Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
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What did the double-amputee say when he stood up?
I stand corrected." -From
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Why did Yoda never get married?
Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife " His response was "Do I "
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What type of people can you not stand?
People in wheelchairs
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What did the conceited man say while he stood on the north pole?
The earth revolves around me.
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What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after?
A one night stand with Jesus
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What does E.T. stand for?
Freedom of speech
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What do you call a police officer standing on dog poop?
On duty
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Why did the farmer get nominated for an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field. Why didn't the farmer make it to the award ceremony Because he was out standing in his field.
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How does an elephant go up a tree?
It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
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What's grey stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet ?
An elephant with an umbrella !
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How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."
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How does a orphan change a light bulb?
They grab the stack of un-signed adoption papers, stand on top of them, then proceed to change the light bulb.
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What's the easiest way to tell if somebody's lying?
He/she's not sitting or standing!
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Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
He thought he might get a kick out of it!
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What should you do when your ex-girlfriend stands in the spotlights?
Drive faster.
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What should you do if you're cold?
Stand in the corner, because it's 90 degrees.
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
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What does E.T stand for?
Because he hasn't got a chair!..... sorry.
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Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsnif fer.
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What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle?
A Finnish line.
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Why couldn't the motorcycle stand on it's own?
because it was too tired.
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What makes you say that, Tim?
Well, you're standing naked in my closet..."
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What does the B in Benot B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benot B. Mandelbrot
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What does the "LL" in LL Cool J stand for?
Lickin Lips
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What does a clever sentry on guard duty say when he wakes up to see his commanding officer standing over him?
Amen
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What do you call a nice guy with hemorrhoids?
A stand up guy
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What did one hotdog stand say to the other hotdog stand?
Eyyyy, Garry, didn't know you turned into a hotdog stand too! Eyyyy!
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What did the disappointed paraplegic say?
I will not stand for this.
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What were Adam's first ever words to Eve?
Stand back - I don't know how big it's going to get!"
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Why did the cow win a Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field.
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What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel!
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.
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What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds?
Gary Glitters boots.
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What do you call Dana Carvey standing on the back of Dana Carvey?
Turtles all the way down
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What do you call a robotic lizard that can't stand up?
Ereptile dysfunction.
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What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A wind tunnel.
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Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?
Because you need to be 21 to get in.
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What does FIAT stand for?
Fix It Again Tony
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What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?
They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.
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What has two legs and can't stand up?
Half a cat
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How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?
He uses Hare Spray... (Ill see myself out)
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What does FUN stand for?
Some nights, I don't know.
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Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his court case?
He hadn't got a leg to stand on.
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Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?
For the watch
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Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road?
A: So you'll never know which side he's on.
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Why does Steven Hawking hate the band Muse?
Because he can't stand their song Uprising, it wants him to rise up and take the power back.
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What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands?
A dope ring.
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How did the hipster die?
He drowned in the mainstream because he stood on it before it was cool.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand anymore?
It was two tired.
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What animal will you always see at a resturant?
A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.
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Why did the scare crow win the award?
He was out standing in his field. This has Always been my favourite pun.
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What do you call a fish that stands out?
Out of plaice.
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What's your stand on renewable energy?
I don't know about you, but I'm a Big Fan.
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When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say?
Where are the udders? (Thanks to my three boys for that one!)
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Why are womens feet shorter than mens?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
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What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts
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Why do Redditors pay with exact change?
They can't stand a Nickleback!
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Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
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What is the only thing standing between me and being rich?
I haven't hit Reddit gold yet.
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What's the definition of a tree?
Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change lightbulb?
One. He just stands there with the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
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How do you stay warm outside in the winter?
You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.
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What's E.T short for?
Because he's got little legs. But seriously, what does ET stand for Because he can't sit down.
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What does A&W stand for?
Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.
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Why do crippled kids get picked on so much?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.
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Why should you never stand behind Elsa from Frozen?
You never know when she'll Let it Go.
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Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
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What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle?
A round of applause ...because they all have the clap.
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What do you call ten Frenchmen who stand in front of their goalie for 90 minutes?
Dix.
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What does Math stand for?
Mental Abuse To Humans
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Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down cake!
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When Do You Hurt a Midget?
When He is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!
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How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player?
Ask them what OP stands for.
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Why did Jon snow stand in line at the Apple store?
For the watch!
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What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
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What do you call a guy who stands under a bull?
Understandabull
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What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?
A runner in scoring position.
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What do college students and deer have in common?
A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.
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Why dont't feminists go to church?
They can't stand saying "amen"
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What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand?
Make me one with everything.
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What's your least favorite race?
I personally can't stand 5K's
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How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people?
He couldn't stand it.
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When do you kick a midget in the nuts?
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
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What's the difference between an erection and Colin Kaepernick?
An erection can make it past the semis, and still stand up if you sing for it.
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How did the sheep get a Nobel Prize?
It was out standing in its field!
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What did the visually-challenged gentleman say as he walked past the tuna stand at the open air market on a hot summer's day?
Hello ladies. Warm enough for you
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What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !
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What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
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Why did the cow get a job at Google?
Because she was out standing in her field.
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What does the date inside of a wedding ring stand for?
best before...
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself?
Because it was two-tyred.
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What does Air bnb stand for?
Bring no blacks
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Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !
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What do you call two old black men standing in a shed?
Antique machinery
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Why did man invent the shipping cart?
To teach women how to stand on their hind legs.
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What do you call a person who you had a one night stand with on Mars?
A solmate
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When Bruce decides to do stand-up, what will his stage-name be?
Penny Bruce
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Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?
BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE
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What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common?
Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"
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Which is better a stool or a box to stand on?
You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder
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How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower?
100. 1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.
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Why should you stand in a corner when you are cold?
Because corners are
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When do you kick a midget in the balls?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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Why did the doorman get a raise?
He was always out standing.
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What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
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Why is that Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for?
Because he's always standing by The Edge.
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What is the difference between ID and ED?
One of them is a flimsy thing that refuses to stand up on it's own. The other is a medical condition.
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What does A&W stand for?
Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.
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Why can't bikes stand up without leaning on something?
They're two-tired.
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Why didn't Darth Vader make it as a stand up comic?
Fans thought his sense of humor was a little too on the dark side.
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Why can't bicycles stand on their own?
They are two tired
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What does CHAOS stand for?
A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
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What did Steven hawking say when he first got his wheelchair?
I can't stand being in this
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What should you do when you are cold?
Stand in a corner, corners are 90 degrees
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What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
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What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?
Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.
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How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.
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Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
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Why do women have shorter feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen counter.
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Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
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Why are there no American flags at the DNC?
Because the delegates were standing on them.
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What does Diana stand for?
Dead In A Nasty Accident.
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What kind of cancer always stands by the government?
Pro-state cancer.
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What do you call... What do you call four mexicans standing in quicksand?
Cuatros Cincos
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When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat ?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
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What does NASCAR really stand for?
Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
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What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.
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Why don't men install urinals in their houses?
Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)
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How can you tell when an idiot's depressed?
Go stand in front of a mirror
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What does the H stand for in Jesus H Christ?
Lame Joke Haploid
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
For being out standing in his field.
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How do mesquite trees get taller?
They stand on their mesqui-toes!
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What does Yao Ming stand for?
When he sits down it takes too long to get back up.
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What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady?
But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
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How Many Friend Zoned Men Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
None, they just all stand around complaining that it won't screw!
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How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?
He's out standing in his field
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Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
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Why are you late?
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
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What's blue, standing in the kitchen?
STFU, I can paint my wife any colour I want!
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What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?
A stand up driver.
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What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?
A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.
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What is the funniest two legged lizard?
The stand-up chameleon.
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Why can't the bike stand by itself?
Because it was two-tired.
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Why is the robot good at one night stands?
Because he nuts and bolts.
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How do you hire an elephant ?
Stand it on four bricks !
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What does the "B" Stand for in "Benoit B. Mandelbrot"?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
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What Does Reddit stand for?
Reddit: Re-Downvote Downvote it.
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What do you do if hou are cold?
If you ever get cold, stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually 90 degrees.
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What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?
Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.
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How do I raise my kids?
Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it
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What's the difference between Colin Kaepernick and a martyr?
One stood for something
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Why cant a bicykle stand on its own?
Because its two tired! *badum tiss*
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What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?
but we would never know because he couldn't stand up
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What did Alan Rickman say as he stood over David Bowie's grave?
Mind if I Slytherin
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Why did the late man stand on the clock?
He wanted to be on time.
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Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming?
Because they are out standing in their field.
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How do black people die from a drive by?
Everytime someone screams "get down! " they stand up and start dancing!
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Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Because the Captain was stood on the deck!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it is two-tired (too tired).