Book Jokes

  • What book you reading there?

    Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

  • How many public school teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Whatever it says in the book.

  • When did the criminal get smart?

    When the judge threw the book at him.

  • What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

    Barns and no-bulls. (This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

  • What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

    I have only my shelf to blame"

  • What did the librarian say to the travel agent?

    Find what you're booking for

  • What time should you book dental appointments for?

    2:30 (Tooth hurty!)

  • What do you call a book case hogging all the books?


  • What do books have that Mexicans don't?


  • What's the difference between Bill Cosby and Lena Dunham?

    Lena Dunham wrote the book about it.

  • How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?

    Because they built their stuff with reads!

  • What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood?

    50 Shades of Earl Grey

  • What book do you like the most?

    Woman: "My husband's checkbook."

  • Why did the Native American feel so reluctant about booking a hotel room?

    He had his reservations.

  • What's the oldest trick in the book?

    The first one.

  • What is worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

    1 baby nailed to 10 trees Sure, oldest one in the book but whatever lets hear what you got gang

  • What do you call it when a book spies on people?

    A: A peeping tome.

  • What kind of book does an Irish cultist read?

    The Leprenomichaun.

  • What book did the rabbit take on vacation?

    One with a hoppy ending.

  • What's the only thing you can say when the Chinese Restaurant over booked your reservation?

    Welp. You dim sum, you lose some

  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...

    It's impossible to put down

  • What happened to the Polish National Library?

    A: Someone stole the book.

  • What did Charles Darwin name his book about food?

    On the Origin of Feces*

  • What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?

    A Sandy Hook survivor All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines

  • What's the difference between an angler and a dunce?

    One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.

  • How does a lawyer sleep?

    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

  • Where do Mexicans shop for books?


  • Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

    Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

  • What is the oldest joke in the book?

    The first one written

  • What is a ginger author doing when they plant a misleading clue in their book?

    Red hairing.

  • What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

    I can only blame my shelf. Shout out to /r/shubreddit

  • Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ?

    The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

  • How do they keep track of books at the sausage library?

    The Andouille Decimal System

  • Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?

    It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.

  • How many books can a blind man read?

    Brailly any!

  • What do you have when you are having second thoughts about your booking on Native American land?

    Reservation reservation reservations.

  • How did the potato get back from the party?

    It booked a Tuber.

  • What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

    The Cat in the AT-AT

  • What do you call a teeth specialist who writes books?

    An author-dontist Wahey!

  • Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush?

    The Naked Ape!

  • What's the difference between a book and a Mexican?

    A book has papers.

  • What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

  • Why couldn't Pikachu read his book?

    Because he was dyslectric.

  • What do you call a book club that hasn't changed their book in a thousand years?


  • What's the difference between an immigrant & a book?

    One of them has papers.

  • Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

    The Book of Job.

  • What kind of books do fruit read?

    Pulp Fiction

  • Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

    Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

  • What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?

    One baits his hook the other hates his book.

  • What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head?

    I blame my shelf

  • What do you call a book filled with outlines of Star Wars characters?

    A Kylo Ren Book

  • What is a hypocrite?

    An atheist writer praying his book will sell.

  • What do you call a man with no hands and a book?

    A read-only man.

  • What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"?


  • What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

    He removed the appendix!

  • Why are libraries so strict?

    Because they have to go by the book.

  • Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

    Me: Wanna buy my book Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

  • What 3 books would you have on a desert island?

    ME: My first book is more books. F: What These aren't wish M: Second book's a TV.

  • What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?


  • What did the book say to the librarian?

    Can I take you out

  • What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books?

    If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.

  • What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?

    A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!

  • What's the part of a book that's most likely to explode?

    The appendix.

  • What do you call books about orange juice?

    Q: What do you call books about orange juice? A:

  • I couldn't get a reservation at the library...

    They were fully booked.

  • What do you get when you cross a ghost and a the letter K?

    A: A book.

  • Why did the movie scene have a rusty pan?

    Because Rusty thought the scene in the book was better. I'll show myself out. This is a horrible joke.

  • What's the best hour to book a dental appointment?

    Tooth hurty.

  • Where do books sleep?

    A: Under their covers.

  • What did the man who frequents the internet do with a book?

    He Reddit.

  • What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read?

    One with a cemetery plot.

  • Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?

    Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.

  • How to you read a book?

    Just reddit.

  • What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?


  • What is bronze?

    Read a book, you dummies.

  • What Should Make A Book Teacher: "What Should Be In A Book To Make It A Bestseller?

    Jorkens: "A Girl On The Cover & No Cover On The Girl"

  • How are books like dogs?

    The good ones are hard to put down

  • What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook?

    I just booked a cook for cooking the books."

  • What's the book of socially prominent monsters?

    A: The Book of who's Boo.

  • What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

    I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

  • Why don't blonde's like audio-books?

    A: There aren't any pictures.

  • What is the difference between a Mexican and a book?

    A book has papers.

  • Why did the book join the police?

    He wanted to work undercover.

  • Where's Wally?

    book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.

  • Who writes books for little bees ?

    Bee-trix Potter !

  • What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

    Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

  • What do books wear on a rainy day?

    Rain Quotes

  • Which book has the worst cliffhanger?

    Anne Frank's Diary

  • Why was the maths book sad?

    It had too many problems.

  • What book is better when you read it drunk?

    Tequila Mockingbird.