Book Jokes

Why are libraries so strict?

Because they have to go by the book.

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What's the only thing you can say when the Chinese Restaurant over booked your reservation?

Welp. You dim sum, you lose some

What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood?

50 Shades of Earl Grey

What's the difference between a book and a Mexican?

A book has papers.

What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook?

I just booked a cook for cooking the books."

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls. (This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"?

Hyruleglyphics.

What do books wear on a rainy day?

Rain Quotes

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and Lena Dunham?

Lena Dunham wrote the book about it.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

Why did the movie scene have a rusty pan?

Because Rusty thought the scene in the book was better. I'll show myself out. This is a horrible joke.

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What do you have when you are having second thoughts about your booking on Native American land?

Reservation reservation reservations.

What is a hypocrite?

An atheist writer praying his book will sell.

What do you call books about orange juice?

Q: What do you call books about orange juice? A:

Why couldn't Pikachu read his book?

Because he was dyslectric.

What do you call a book case hogging all the books?

Shelf-ish

Why did the Native American feel so reluctant about booking a hotel room?

He had his reservations.

What is the difference between a Mexican and a book?

A book has papers.

Where do Mexicans shop for books?

Borders

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

What's the oldest trick in the book?

The first one.

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How are books like dogs?

The good ones are hard to put down

What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books?

If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.

How do they keep track of books at the sausage library?

The Andouille Decimal System

What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

He removed the appendix!

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?

A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

I have only my shelf to blame"

What is a ginger author doing when they plant a misleading clue in their book?

Red hairing.

What book do you like the most?

Woman: "My husband's checkbook."

What book you reading there?

Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

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What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read?

One with a cemetery plot.

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to work undercover.

What's the difference between an immigrant &amp a book?

One of them has papers.

What 3 books would you have on a desert island?

ME: My first book is more books. F: What These aren't wish M: Second book's a TV.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

What kind of book does an Irish cultist read?

The Leprenomichaun.

What's the difference between an angler and a dunce?

One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a the letter K?

A: A book.

Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

What book did the rabbit take on vacation?

One with a hoppy ending.

What do you call a book filled with outlines of Star Wars characters?

A Kylo Ren Book

What is bronze?

Read a book, you dummies.

Where's Wally?

book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.

What book is better when you read it drunk?

Tequila Mockingbird.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do books have that Mexicans don't?

Papers.

What Should Make A Book Teacher: "What Should Be In A Book To Make It A Bestseller?

Jorkens: "A Girl On The Cover & No Cover On The Girl"

Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

The Book of Job.

Why was the maths book sad?

It had too many problems.

What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

The Cat in the AT-AT

What did the man who frequents the internet do with a book?

He Reddit.

Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush?

The Naked Ape!

Which book has the worst cliffhanger?

Anne Frank's Diary

Why don't blonde's like audio-books?

A: There aren't any pictures.

What happened to the Polish National Library?

A: Someone stole the book.

What's the part of a book that's most likely to explode?

The appendix.

How many books can a blind man read?

Brailly any!

Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?

It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.

What do you call a teeth specialist who writes books?

An author-dontist Wahey!

What is worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees Sure, oldest one in the book but whatever lets hear what you got gang

What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines

Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ?

The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

How did the potato get back from the party?

It booked a Tuber.

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

How to you read a book?

Just reddit.

What did the book say to the librarian?

Can I take you out

What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head?

I blame my shelf

What did the librarian say to the travel agent?

Find what you're booking for

What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

I can only blame my shelf. Shout out to /r/shubreddit

What's the book of socially prominent monsters?

A: The Book of who's Boo.

What did Charles Darwin name his book about food?

On the Origin of Feces*

Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?

Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.

How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?

Because they built their stuff with reads!

What kind of books do fruit read?

Pulp Fiction

When did the criminal get smart?

When the judge threw the book at him.

What time should you book dental appointments for?

2:30 (Tooth hurty!)

What do you call a book club that hasn't changed their book in a thousand years?

Church

How many public school teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Whatever it says in the book.

What do you call it when a book spies on people?

A: A peeping tome.

Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

Where do books sleep?

A: Under their covers.

What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?

One baits his hook the other hates his book.

What's the best hour to book a dental appointment?

Tooth hurty.

What is the oldest joke in the book?

The first one written

Who writes books for little bees ?

Bee-trix Potter !

Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

What do you call a man with no hands and a book?

A read-only man.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...

It's impossible to put down

I couldn't get a reservation at the library...

They were fully booked.

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Why is there no 'Hot girls' guide to getting laid'?

My phone number won't fill up an entire book.

What's the phone number of Clucking Bell?

99 6dip74545cheese

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How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know but I can look it up for you."

What's the worst part of having a lung transplant?

Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.

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What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

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Where do hogs keep their money?

In piggy banks.

How do you know your boyfriend loves you?

SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.

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Why Are Mexican &amp?

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How many thingamabobs does Ariel have?

20 "Twenty-*one*. She got the last one when she wished for legs."

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What do you call mints you can spread through social media?

Memementos

How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses?

Instagran

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Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?

The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.

Why didn't the sun have to attend university?

It's already got thousands of degrees.

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What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

Why do Mexicans hate cooking pasta?

When they boil the water, they always have to add that *pinche* salt.