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Know Jokes

How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian?

Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
What does poop have in common with the Boston Rioters?

They're both revolting! *Baltimore. I clearly don't know my B-Cities.
What does a taxidermist do for a living?

Oh you know... stuff...
What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend
Whats that over there?

I don't know but i think i just got a raging clue
What does a strong shoulder do when it doesn't know how to get any stronger?

Shrugs.
What do you call a short person that knows Martial Arts?

Midjitsu!
What's ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot Goldfish 911: Forgot what Goldfish: WHO IS THIS Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW
How do you know if you're in a French Village?

If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.
How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.
What's the difference between a civilian camp and an ISIS base?

I don't know I just fly the drones
What are the chances you know an Olympic gymnast??

A stretch
What about yours?

Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you...
What is the scariest thing about a white man in jail?

you know he did it.
Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women?

Because everyone knows they give good *head*.
What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What did the pastry chef say to his apprentice?

Know your roll!"
How do you know if something is art?

People tell you."
When Geese fly in a "V" formation, do you know why one side of the "V" is longer?

There's more geese on that side.
Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions
What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?

but we would never know because he couldn't stand up
What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

I don't know
What do you have on?

The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."
How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

They'll tell you
How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

Neither of us know the words to any of her songs
What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant?

A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
What do you do to relax?

I enjoy people watching. - The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower. - I know.
How much does a slave cost?

I have no idea, I just know they aren't free
What is the difference between 1 Gb and 2 Gb?

Student - Well, I don't know. I guess one is a bit too high?
How do you know if a Muslim is laughing online?

He types, "HALOL"
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me" .
How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?

Your mailbox is missing!
Why did the feminist get fired from Panera?

Because she ate all the cookies and didn't know how to make a sandwich.
How many women does it take to invent something?

Nobody knows, history is still waiting....
What rhymes with Jon Snow?

He doesn't know. , Sorry for the lame joke, just made it up.
Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"
Why did the nun swallow a needle?

So she could know what it's like to have a prick inside her.
What do you like to do in your free time?

Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.
Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.
Which is worse, insouciance or ignorance?

I don't know and I don't care.
What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?

No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.
What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
How do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor?

They'll tell you.
What's your favorite word?

5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means! Me- I know how you feel.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Why was the two-dimensional emo sad?

Because nobody would ever know how deep he was.
How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.
How do you know it was an Irishman?

because I had to help him....."
Why don't Hollywood talent agents drink chocolate milk?

Because it's not about who you know, but no Yoo-hoo.
How do you tell the time in Antarctica?

A:I don't know,Alaska guy and tell you
How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?
Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?

It was a no buena My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave?

I don't know....I was too busy masterbating.
What do you call a helicopter mixed with a rhino?

Well hell-if-i-know!
When black guys say "ya feel me?

I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I'm operating at.
did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

they were cooked in Greece
What's the difference between a piano, glue, and a tuna?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna (What about the glue ) I knew you'd get stuck on that
What do you call a deer that likes rain?

A rain-deer. I know it's terrible.
What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?

If most people leave before shooting starts.
How many homeless people does it take to screw a light bulb?

does anyone know of any good jokes about homeless people.?
Why do you look surprised in all your selfies?

Didn't you know you were taking the picture
What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?

Having a pair of legs...... I know, I know, I'm going to hell
How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know but that reminds me of a similar joke my uncle used to tell...
How does a fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales!
Why don't Pokemon cards ever have any typos?

Because the editors know that they gotta catch 'em all!
What do you call a dinosaur who knows how to please its woman?

A Lickalottapus
How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ?

Who knows, there is no tax record of it.
How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?

You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.
What do you call a car if you don't know its gender?

Mitsuheshe.
How do you do that?

I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet I know it's raining!
How do you know an r/jokes mod is a cyberman?

deleted
What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!
How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.
How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?

Because they both "practice" their professions.
How much does wonton soup weigh?

One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.
How long is the movie?

I need to know what time to pick her up.
How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.
When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

do NOT respond with "I know, right !"
Why did Spock dump his wife?

because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, they're all too busy complaining about this joke.
Why should you always invite Amish people to a party?

They know how to raise the roof.
How do you know when Mexico is playing in the World Cup?

Literally all gardening stops
How is it May already?

Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.
What's the most popular soup in China?

Chicken poodle soup...I know, I know booooo
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer's parents?

Do they know she's riding a damn crocodile into a volcano
How many french men does it take to conquer Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done.
How do you understand women?

I really just want to know.
When do you know that you are getting old?

When you have babies on purpose
What's your answer?

whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people
What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy
How do we know God likes condoms?

Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure
What secret organization does Pinnochio work for?

Wooden you like to know
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Don't know, the pope hasn't said yet. How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb None, Lutherans don't change.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

A bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose.
What is the motto of the French navy?

To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )
What will you have sir?

Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause " Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."
What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

No one knows. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
What wears a bright red suit and knows if you've been naught..or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.
What's the difference between a Boko Haram training camp and a Nigerian refugee camp?

I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet.
Why aren't the Eagles worried about big cats sneaking up on them?

They know there ain't no way to hide those lion eyes.
Why did the blonde move to L.A.?

Blonde: I don't know. Why Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what
How do you know when spring is here?

the Leafs are out!
What does gasoline taste like?

I don't know, I'm in a coma.
What did the one banana say to the other banana who had his feelings hurt?

I know that peel.
Where is the English Channel ?

Pupil: I don't know my TV doesn't pick it up
How do you know if a Polak is there?

A: He's the one with a duck.
Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive?

A: Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why should you be afraid of a white guy in prison?

Because you know he's guilty
How does Gandalf know he's pregnant?

A wizard is never late.
What is the most socially unacceptable joke you know?

Preferably really dark or 'just plain wrong' jokes.
How do you know when a grenade is thrown by a blonde?

When you can pull the pin and throw it back
What do you call a below average sized dog?

A sub woofer Yeah, I know I'm barking up the wrong sub reddit.
How do you know the girl from Jaws had dandruff?

She left her Head & Shoulders on the beach
Why don't snakes have balls?

Because hardly any of them know how to dance.
Why aren't there any Mexicans in China?

Because the Chinese know how to build a wall.
How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?

The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)
What's the first thing you know?

Old Jed's a millionaire.
Why didn't the rest of the fractions like "mc" very much?

Because he was generally known to be a square(ed).
What did one earthquake say to the other?

I don't know what your blaming me for, it's your fault!"
Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?

Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.
When did Caesar reign ?

I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did didn't they hail him
How much Squidwards does it take to fix a lightbulb?

zero, because none of them knows how to
Why would you chase a waterfall?

They don't move to different spots you know. It's pretty much just right there.
How do you know when a vampire is sick?

He starts coffin...
Why are lemons yellow?

They don't know it either - that's why they are so sour
How do you know when a vegan gets to the party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
How do you know a car is from Poland?

The Polish.
How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?

You switch sides at half time.
Why's everyone so afraid of clowns?

Well.. You know what they say about big feet.
What do you suppose Ray Rice's fiance' did when he got her home from knocking her out?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her!
How many girls does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, you tell me.
How do girls know when they are adults?

When they start to like spankings
What happens when a high school calls in a replacement teacher for a subject they know nothing about?

Ooops... wrong sub.
What do dead and black people have in common?

Well, I don't know. -They both get a rest, Ed.
What is the definition of stalking?

When two people takes a long, romantic walk on the beach, but only one of them knows about it
What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work?

It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..
How do you know if someone is half texan and half Canadian?

It rhymes when they say. "Keep at eye out for a coyote."
Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know I just fly the drone.
How do you know a girl is into you?

Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.
Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

Because you already know she'll work out.
What would albert einstein's name be if he was blonde?

Nobody would know
How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training
Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages?

It was the knight time
What to you call someone with no torso who can't smell?

Nobody knows.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there
Why should you never date someone with a lazy-eye...?

Because you never know if they're seeing someone on the side.
What's yellow and lies in a pond?

Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.
How many pork chops does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know it's lard to tell.
What on Earth happened?

The doctor said, surprised. "I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.
Whats does dissecting a frog and explaining a joke have in common?

Sure, you know how it works, but now it's dead.
How did they know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders on the beach
Who knows where they went?

They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
Why don't taxi drivers talk to each other?

They already know everything.
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

There's really no sure way to know.
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.
Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What will happen if you went inside a black hole?

I don't know either. It must be out-of-this-world.
What do I know about dwarves?

Very little.
Why do Electricians make terrible revolutionaries?

They know resistance is a waste of energy.
Who knows about math and science and is always close by?

An engi-near!
What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife?

Oh, you don't know I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.
Why is a reflection always twice as good as the real thing?

i actually don't know where to post this idea, true jokes maybe?... There has to be a food for thought sub. This is your OP, I promise to deliver!
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4.
What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?

Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna. ... What about the pot of glue I knew you'd get stuck.
When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what?

We do.
How are blizzards and men alike?

You don't know when they're coming, you don't know how many inches you'll get, and you don't know long they'll last
What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages. Please tell us what languages they are in.
What is it Johnny?

Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics " "No, why " "She's outside, under a bus"
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?

They always get stuck at "C".
What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet
How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.
How do you know that your gynecologist is nearsighted?

His nose is wet.
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg?

Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.
Why do black people always say "I know right"?

Because they have no right.
What's the difference between sheep and women?

The Welsh don't know yet either.
How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn't seem very realistic, you guys.
What's happened to this one?

I don't know two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?

Your head hits the ceiling!
Why didn't the bunny hop?

No bunny knows... :(
What's another word for knowing that you're right?

Woman
Why couldn't the melons be together?

Everyone knows melons cantaloupe.
How do I know you're not John Cena?

I can see you
What's the definition of a Mistress?

Oh, I don't know. Probably something between a Mister and a mattress.
Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ?

Pupil: I want to know how it ends !
How do you know if someone is a socialist?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What do you call someone with no nose?

Nobody knows.
What's worse than a chauvinist man?

A woman who doesn't know her place.
How do you know your friends are pleased with your Facebook post?

They like it!
What do you call it when a deer knows karate?

Tae-fawn-doe
How 'bout this one?

Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
How the hell would she know?

We only met last week!
How did 3 know 4 was a Ballerina?

He had a 2-2.
What is the Italian postal motto?

We know where live, your family too!
What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments?

A metal band
When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke
What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!
Why do people go to the gym again?

Do they not know what a nap is
How do you know Bernie Sanders got elected?

All your stuff has been donated to charity
How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever?

He knows a lot about black holes
How many palindromes do I know of?

Not a ton
What are some really stupid jokes?

One I know is this: Spanish teacher: Kids, what is the ellos/ellas form of the verb sacar Students: Sacan Spanish teacher: SACAN DEEZ NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!
How is Ducktape like the Force?

It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds everything the galaxy together. Edit:Duct Tape I know, I was tired
How does a woman destroy a mans pride with 4 words?

Is it in yet? How does a man destroy a womans pride with 4 words? I don't know.
How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?

They just have a feel for that kind of thing.
What's the difference between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson?

Only one of them knows how to dodge a bullet.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.
What does a know-it-all always have in their kitchen?

A pedantry.
Why can't the two melons get married?

I don't know but they cantaloupe.
How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?

A: The knocking always speeds up.
How do you know that you're too old?

When the priest doesn't look at you anymore.
What does Robert, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian all have in common?

They all know how to get black men off.
How long has your car been doing that?

Me: Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
What should TNT host?

League of Legends. Because they know drama.
What are some good Asian jokes you know?

I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.
What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.
How do you know a shirt has phoned you?

Collar ID
What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.
What's the Harlem shake?

Me: I don't know, I think they sell them at Burger King
How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi?

Because anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush
Who are you?

You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
Who threw that?

Gary, was that you Don't act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?

He foamed at the mouth.
How would you define yourself?

ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
How do you know when the Moon is going broke?

When it's down to it's last quarter.
How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?

How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? When there's white-out all over the screen
Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?

Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either.
What are your go to jokes?

I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?
Why are there no podiatrist generals?

Because all they know is de feet
What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian?

I'm Slavic and I know it"
What do children think of the world?

I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.
How do we know Snow White was a hipster?

She could never say no to apple.
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other?

I didn't know we lived on the same block.
What's with those clogs you keep wearing?

I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
What is the difference between a dog and a viola?

A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common?

Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)
What happens when a lumberjack doesn't know which tree to cut next?

He gets stumped.
How do you know that a dinosaur ate Kel for breakfast?

Because there was a kellogg in the toilet
Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?

A: So they know where to stop shaving.
How does the drug addict know the cocaine is good quality?

He just nose. All credit to my BFF
What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...
How do i know you're not 1 of them?

Were you bit ! What ! Do you not know what a hurricane is
What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'. Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
What's the best part about having a blind partner?

You know they won't be seeing other people.
What's the difference between a flatfish and a good woman?

The fish doesn't know it's plaice.
How do you know God isn't black?

Because it's not "I is who I is" My brother is 35...
What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?

They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
Why do burgers laugh when you surround them with pickles?

Who knows - maybe they're picklish!
How do we know that slaves went to college?

They all had masters
How do you know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snow Balls
What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
How do you know if an Italian person is mute?

When you see he has no hands.
Why do mice have tiny balls?

Not very many of them know how to dance
Where does Iron Man live?

Iron know.
What rhymes and let's you instantly know a redditor is a moron?

Purple circle.
What did Wiz Khalifa say when he was asked his opinion on the dress?

Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is."
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady?

But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
How do you know If your girlfriend is Canadian?

Look at her beaver.
What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant and a rhino?

Hell-if-I-know!
What do you call a really really big ant?

A GIANT! Now what do you call a baby ant an Infant! What do you call an ant thats into business A Merchant! please post more ant jokes if you know of any.
How do you know if somebody does crossfit?

They are probably in better shape than you.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art?

Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming "stay away from me!"
What's the difference between a School and an ISIS training ground?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone
What did they do at the Boston Tea Party ?

I don't know I wasn't invited !
Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road?

A: So you'll never know which side he's on.
Why was the little ink blot so unhappy?

Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.
When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF?

When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.
When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

it's a rhetorical question I know this now
How's everyone else holding up?

Anyone know why they all have bags of candy
How to avoid clickbait?

clearly, you wouldn't know...
What's the best part about banging Jessica Alba?

You'll know if she was faking it.
How do you know if a girl is dating a vampire?

They only wanna go down on her once a month
How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
Why is America bad at the game Chess?

Because they don't know how to defend their towers.
How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?

Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
How do you know Bono is selfish?

He does a lot of Pro-Bono work.
How do you know if a homeless man has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers.
What's your stand on renewable energy?

I don't know about you, but I'm a Big Fan.
How many tweakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who wants to know
How do you know if you have a tough mosquito ?

You slap him and he slaps you back !
What is the real reason leaves fall to the ground?

They know people will blow them.
Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?

He knows where the naughty girls live.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?

Because they don't know the words.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?

If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?

A: I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.
Why did you cut me down, lumberjack?

Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why? Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped.
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?

You can't take a rib from a black man
Why do Stasi officers make such good taxi drivers?

You get in the car and they already know your name and where you live.
How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.
How many republicans does it take to fix a problem?

No one knows. It's never happened.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Need to know ASAP.
What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died. What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool? Coco puffs.
What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause?

He knows where all the naughty girls live #*( )*
What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?

inventor of Autocorrect
How many people does it take to screw in a light?

Two, but I don't know how they'll fit inside the bulb
How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking?

Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.
When i go down you know what it tastes like?

Depends...
What's the difference between "Fake News" and CNN?

I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you
What punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted?

I don't know I just fly the drone"
How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.
When did Anakin's Jedi Master know he was turning to the dark side?

In the Sith grade.
How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.
Who should get the cat?

I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"
How do you know you're at a redneck wedding?

Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church
How do you know if you're a bogan?

You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.
How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?

I forgot to wet the soap.
How do you know when to use "fridge" or "refrigerator"?

Open it, if there's a 'd' in it, it's a fridge.
How do you know if hippies have been in your house?

They are still there.
How do you know if a hippo is in your oven?

The door won't close
Why should you attend someone's funeral although you know they won't be attend yours back?

Because they will be at your funeral in spirit
What type of wife always knows where her husband is?

A widow
What did one mandarin say to the other mandarin?

I don't know, I don't speak Mandarin.
What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other?

A surgeon.
Who's the new guy?

And the bartender says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!
What will reddit never know?

Victoria's Secret...
What did the mailman ask his girlfriend?

Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)
What's the final digit of the square root of 2 (2)?

I don't know, sometimes radicals can be irrational.
What's going on under there?

Nobody has to know but you. - Poncho salesman
What did Peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up?

Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
Why is your January report card so bad ?

Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !
How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get!
How much do you love me?

Count the stars in the sky and that's how much I love you "But it's so cloudy" *pats her on the head* Yeah I know
What do Jaqen H'ghar from Game of Thrones and Christina Aguilera have in common?

They both know "what a girl wants" and "what a girl needs".
Why will we never know if Rick James was bald?

Rogaine is a hell of a drug.
Why isn't anyone afraid of China?

Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)
How do you know you are dating a women, not a girl?

A girl has no name.
Why the hell would I use turn signals?

I know where we're going.
What do you call a know-it-all Mexican?

A Solution Manuel
Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

He knows where all the bad girls live
What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings?

If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.
What do you call a women who always knows where her husband is?

A widow
How many of you know this funny man pakalu papito ?

Its one of his joke.
Where do I see myself in ten years?

I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
Why did Victoria lose her job?

We don't know, it's Victoria's secret.
Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who?

Wow, I didn't know you could yodel!
What's the scariest thing about a white man in prison?

You know he did it.
What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

You wake up wet !
What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.
What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years?

Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision
What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food (Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)
How does a blind parachutist know when to pull his rip-chord?

The leash goes slack...
How did the gangster know the drug dealer was selling him a bad batch if meth?

He said : "Nah amine"
Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ?

because he didn't know Mandarin
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Pshh....white girls don't know how to screw.
Why Romeo could not meet Juliet at an Apple Store?

Poor Juliet! Did not know Apple stores don't have Windows!
Why couldn't Sally use the swings?

She had no arms Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for her Birthday? We don't know, she didn't open it yet.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?

First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why?

They are out standing in the field
What is the opposite of Dominoes?

Domi does not know....
How many governments does it take to make an Egyptian happy?

I'll let you know when I find out...
How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.
Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

His wife didn't know any decent crackers.
How do you know you're golfing with a politician?

When they get a hole-in-one they write down *zero* on the scorecard.
Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.
How do you know if someone truly loves fast food?

It has a special place in their hearts
How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate?

He already told you so.
What did one priest say to the other priest?

Do you know where my son is " "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm a necrophiliac."
What dinosaur knows the most words?

Thesaurus. :/
How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know. (Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)
What do you think about the coming battle General?

God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.
How do you know you are at r/jokes?

The guys all look like they played football for Bronx HighSchool of Science
Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members. Ba dum tiss.
How'd you know?

P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good
How do you know Axe was invented by black people?

If it was white people who invented it, it would be called Ask.
How do we know that God isn't a woman?

Because we're not all sandwiches
How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests?

What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who wants to know? .... saw this joke in today's
Why did the gynecologist giggle during the pap smear?

I don't know. It was an inside joke.
How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.
Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?

A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
What's a Henway?

Oh, you know. About 5 pounds. I'll show myself the door now.
What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?

Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.
What is the outside of a tree called?

Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.
Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.
What is the cuddliest particle known to science?

The HUGS boson!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......
What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?

I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank
How does one know a man is going to say something smart?

His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."
Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
How do Chinese people know what to name their children?

After the last dog they just ate.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida?

Was it my knees Do I have terrorist's knees Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then That's good.
What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?

Unbereavable.
How do you know that you are a redditor?

I'll tell you tomorrow.
How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver?

He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.
What are we supposed to do about it?

Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
Why Ahmed made a clock?

To know when to blow up
How do you know a wood pieces history?

You check its logbook
Why should you never stand behind Elsa from Frozen?

You never know when she'll Let it Go.
How heavy is a photon?

I don't know, but it's probably light-weight
Whats the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, Im just a US Air Force Operator.
Why did the blonde cross the road?

I don't know. Neither did she!
How do you know if someone has been to Florida?

They'll tell you.
How do you know if an introvert likes you?

He looks at your shoes instead of his
What the difference between a ISIS member and a child?

I don't know, I just fly the drones.
What's the best/worst dirty joke you know?

In honor of the recent joke trends I ask you what is the dirtiest joke you know?
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

My girlfriend knows about my wife.
How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.
Why are there rugs in front of the stove and the sink?

So women know where to stand in the kitchen.
How do you know if a flock of geese is from Canada?

They fly in an 'A' (eh)
What's the difference between a feminist and an illegal immigrant?

The illegal immigrant knows how to cook.
How could you know that?

Darth: I have felt your presents
What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?

A nearby horseman answers, "Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!"
How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch?

Don't worry, they will tell you.
Why did the lost tourist cross the road?

The chicken looked like he knew where he was going.
How do you know an Asian has robbed your house?

They're still in your driveway
What is the difference between lightning and electricity?

Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity? Alexander: I know you do not have to pay for lightning.
How do you bowl a 301?

Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost
How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?

A.It's cloged up with paper plates.
What did Norman Bates call his little sister?

You know you see it coming...) A: Psycho-sis! (I won't let the doorknob hit me on the way out..)
What is the difference between an Afghanistani Primary School and a Taliban Base?

What would I know, I am just a drone pilot.
How do you know if you're a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood.
How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh don't worry, they'll let you know.
Why bother drinking water?

You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
How do you know when you have a good redneck girlfriend?

If she can give you oral with a dip in and know which to swallow and which to spit.
How do you know Sia is Scottish?

Because she loves sheep thrills! *shows self out
How do you know he isn't?

Because I am.
How do you know when Santa's in the room?

You can sense his presents.
Where do you see yourself in 2020?

I DON'T KNOW I DON'T HAVE 4 YEAR VISION!!!!!!!!!!
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, because they charge you $500 for the iLightbulb.
How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.
Why do men like love at first sight?

Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
How did the zebra get its stripes?

Not many people know this, but zebras arent actually born with stripes. There is actually an entire industry of people called zebra painters who go around painting black stripes on zebras. This is done so zebras arent confused with albino donkeys.
How do you know the devil is white?

Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Why was Snape in the middle of the road?

So you would never know what side he was on.
How do you know if someone was in the navy?

Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.
Ever wondered why bees hum?

It's because they don't know the words.
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
What does IDK mean?

I've yet to find someone who knows.
Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands?

If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands."
How do we know God isn't black?

Because then he would've said "I is who I is"
What what Juan's twin sister named?

I don't know, Juana guess
What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me
Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5?

Because he knows how to reduce fractions.
What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?

A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.
What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus?

nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton.
How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. They always say they'll do it next year.
How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?

Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"
How did the knight know that his armor was made in China?

He found a chink in it.
What's the new baby hippo's name?

Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know he won't tell me.
How does a feminist know she's overweight?

She doesn't
What's the difference between a group of baboons and our political system?

I don't know.
How do know if the person that you have just met is a DJ?

They will tell you.
How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"
Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I dont know and I dont care.
Why is Santa so jolly?

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!
How much did the obese man know about fitness?

Diddly squat
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition?

Ah yes wax would go well with this cake and you know what else Child spit.
What are you typing?

Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.
Whats the favored pasta dish among ISIL members?

Baked Yazidi............ I know where I'm going after this life :(
Why do people throw coins into foutains?

Why do people throw coins into fountains? I don't know, doesn't make any cents.
What's the difference between a loaf of bread and a penguin?

I don't know what " "We're sure not sending you to the store!"
What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?

Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.
How many disappointments can you fit into a van?

I don't know, I can't get them outside of the house.
How was I supposed to know they meant combined?

They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old
How do hens always know what size your egg cup is?

They don't but all eggs always fit.
How do you know the universe likes Saturn?

It put a ring on it.
What do you get when einstein jacks off?

a stroke of genius!!!!! (its terrible, i know)
Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside?

Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.
How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan?

They already told you.
What do Baptists and cats have in common?

You know they're doing it, you just can't catch them at it.
What do I want to do to your body?

I don't know. Identify it, I guess.
How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children?

Because he's not apparent.
Where are the Atlantis and the lost treasures of many renowned pirates?

Nobody knows.It's a well kept seacret.
How do we not know what women want yet?

There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread?

Don't worry, someone will tell you.
Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.
What's your funniest yet least known joke?

I have a friend that absolutely loves cheesy, question and answer jokes and I wanna make a card with a list of them! The problem is that she knows just about every joke known to man so I challenge you to give me hilarious, short jokes that aren't very widely known. Make me laugh!
How do you know a black guy's been at your computer?

It's not there.
How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?

Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.
How do you know when you have a high sperm count?

Your partner has to chew before swallowing...
What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?

Ell if I know
What's the difference between a tuna a piano and a pot of glue..?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna What about the pot of glue reddit will ask. Hahahahaha I knew you'd get stuck there
What's scary about a white man in prison?

You know he did it
Who is missing an egg?

there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet?

I don't know but it's e-nourmous.
How the hell should I know?

Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."
How do I know ur not a cop?

If I was a cop would I do this " *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is
What's the worst part about baiting a fish hook really well?

Everyone knows you're a master baiter!
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.
How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience?

They all left.
Whats up?

Me:Onion prices. S:You know what I mean,like What's crackin' M:Nutshells. S:Really Fine.What's poppin M:Corn. *Blocked*
How do you know when your BBQ is ready in Canada in April?

The snow on top of it has melted.
Why do women like men who can work on cars?

They know how to work under the hood!
What will the results of the next election be?

No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!
How do you know it's going to be a white christmas?

It's approaching with deceptive speed.
How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?

There are poodles everywhere!
How much does a birdhouse cost?

I don't know the exact price but I know they're pretty cheep
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?

I don't know, she hasn't opened it
What's the difference between a horse and a 13 year old boy?

The horse knows when I'm grooming him.
Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?

Because they don't even know if they believe.
How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.
What's a clown's favorite restaurant?

mod post from r/AntiJokes) I wouldn't know, as a mime I cannot comment.
Why are women so afraid of looking stupid?

Because they don't want the world to know!
What's the difference between LinkedIn and McDonald's?

McDonald's knows how to use salt
What did the mole say when someone told him there were entire above-ground civilizations?

Holy moley, I didn't know that!"
Which wrestler do the Gorillas admire most?

Gorilla Monsoon - he knows the ropes!
What is 007's favorite subject at school?

Chemistry, because he knows a lot about bonds!
Why did the boat know it had a leak?

That sinking feeling...
What do I have now?

Oh, I do not know, DIABETES MAYBE!"
How do I know Sarah's a vegetarian?

Because I've me herbivore.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them?

Like, did you ask him Because only one of us is screaming right now.
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
Why do guitar amps hum?

Because they don't know the words.
Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her
How do you know a mod of /r/jokes is Asian?

dereted
How do you know someone is from California?

They tell you.
Why does a girl who uses chewing tobacco give the best head?

Because she's knows what to spit and what to swallow.
How do you know that Ash Ketchum is a pervert?

Because he always takes a Pik-at-chu
Why are there commercials for milk?

Who still doesn't know about milk
What's with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?

The pirate says, "Argh!! I don't know but it's driving me testicles!!!"
How do you know if a redditor gave money to Bernie Sanders?

Just wait 5 minutes. They'll post about it.
What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house?

I don't know.. I just don't see it.
How do crows know what time is it?

They have the knights watch .
Why was the blot of ink so sad?

It's mother was in the pen and it didn't know how long the sentence was.
How do you know your waitress is having a rough night?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.
How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered?

Waiter: Well you know how slow turtles are.
What's a nanny's favorite letter?

I don't know, but it's not E.
What has 4308 eyes, 28957 legs, and 398503 teeth?

I don't know, but if you see it, RUN!
Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?

The first knows how to read the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?

Lots.
What's a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.
What's the difference between a turtle and a tortoise?

I don't know but your mother's a whore!
What do you call an awkward questioner?

I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.
How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training.
How do we know cats are communists?

All they ever say is Mao.
What are the similarities between a donkey and a Sikh?

They both look incredibly cute when they are little. They both grow up and go into the transportation business. Note: sikhs - or sardarji as they are commonly known in india - are the largest ethnic group in the truck driver profession. Punjabi food is available on highways across the country.
How do you know Kurt Cobain didn't have dandruff?

A bit of his head and shoulders were found behind the couch.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?

The stock market.
How many drums does it take to make a good ska band?

Nobody knows.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know but I can look it up for you."
What's a penguins favourite relative?

Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME makes flies over head motion PENGUIN I don't know what that means
What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop.
What's the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
What does Putin say during his new years speech?

Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!
How did the cowboy know his pony was getting sick?

He was a little hoarse.
What did one cheese say to the other?

I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate!
What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.
What is the best anti-joke you know?

Well a joke that isn't funny, but still is because it isn't. If you know what I mean. These are kind of much easier to remember.
Why do black people call each other "son"?

Well, you never know!
What's the difference between a Blonde and a person with a different colour of hair?

The blonde sure doesn't know.
What did the city worker say after his first ever pony trek?

I never knew anything stuffed with hay could be so hard!
What do you prefer, honey?

A smart woman or a beautiful woman -Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you
What did one hotdog stand say to the other hotdog stand?

Eyyyy, Garry, didn't know you turned into a hotdog stand too! Eyyyy!
What do you call someone who doesn't know how to party?

Illiterate (il-lit-erate)
Who's there ! Becker ! Becker who ?

Becker the devil you know !
How do you put an elephant in a safeway bag?

How do you put an elephant in a safeway bag? : I don't know, how? : Take the S away from "safe" and the F out of "way." : But there's no F in way. :
How do you know it was not U.S. that did the aerial bombing?

Because the funeral, wedding and hospital were not the targets.
How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA?

He was all over his wife at the parade
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who wants to know?
How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?

They'll tell you.
What do you call someone in the army that knows the capital of every country on earth?

General Knowledge
How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.
What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?

We don't know she hasn't opened her presents yet.
What's worse: ignorance or indifference?

Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.
How do the French defend a city?

We don't know, they've never tried it.
Who's there? Dave. Dave who?

Dave promptly burst into tears as not everyone in the world knew Dave.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?

I don't know man, I just fly the drones.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
Why do buzzards prefer to fly?

Because they really like their carry-on..... yeah total dad joke, i know.
What's the difference between an Electrician and someone who's high?

The electrician knows where the ground is.
What's your favorite city in Thailand?

Phuket, I don't know...
What do you call a tree if you don't know what kind of tree it is?

It's a mystery.
What did the bolt say to the nut?

Washer? I don't even know 'er!"
Why wouldn't you ask the zebra for music advice?

Because he only knows about The White Stripes.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How do you know when you're turning 40?

When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh
How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?

A: You can almost hear them.
What do drug dealers sit on?

KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.
Who, me?

Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
What do you get if you cross a black person with an octopus?

I don't know but it would be excellent at picking cotton.
What's an author's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird. (Yes I know it's horrible :P)
Why did the math student fail his exam?

He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)
What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, because they charge you $500 for the iLightbulb.
What did the Flower say to the Bees?

You know you want it, Honey"
How do you know if someone was in the military?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
How do I know Kim and Kanye's daughter is going to be smart?

Because she already has 315 degrees.
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.
How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knock speeds up.
How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.
Why should you hire a drag queen to help clean your garage?

They know how to tuck away junk.
What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.
How high is it Doctor?

she wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record '
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

There's really no sure way to know.
Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"?

because potholder was already taken. I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes.
Where's the best place to hide an elephant?

Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?
How do you know a girl with leprosy likes you?

She gives you the eye.
What is Chipotle most known for?

A. Steak Bowls - B. Delicious Tacos - C. Chips - D. Burritos - E. Coli
Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?

Because you know he is actually guilty. Credit to for the joke!
How much did the cannibal pay for his new sports car?

I don't know but I heard it cost him an arm and a leg.
How do you know when the drummer has shown up for band practice?

He won't stop banging at the door.
What did the bee say to his wife?

No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.
Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)
Why do hummingbirds hum?

They don't know the words.
How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has one clean finger.
How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 but how they got in the light bulb I will never know
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SON YOU WEREN'T THERE!!
How do you know if a chef is a clown?

A: The food tastes funny.
How did the witches and wizards in the Alzheimer's ward refer to Voldemort?

You-knew-who
What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
Why did the chiropractor have trouble waiting behind people?

Because he didn't know what alignment. I hope this one cracks you up!
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: I don't know, I'm no scientist
How many times does 43 go into 9?

The priest won't tell you, but *he knows*.
How do you know a black woman is pregnant?

When she pulls out the tampon, the cotton's been picked clean.
When did the Chinese man know it was time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty
How are your step mother and a 17 in the card game 21 similar?

You know you can't but you really want to hit it.
Where do Chinese people find work?

On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)
What does Marilyn Quayle have in common with Marion Barry?

They've both been known to blow a little dope.
Why are pirates funny?

Because they Arrrr (Yes I know its cheesier than my feet)
What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows.
Why was the Redditor's picture crooked?

Because Redditors aren't known for keeping a level head.
What do you call a rhinoceros crossed with an elephant?

el' if I know."
Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is
What do you call someone who knows one?

American.
How do you stretch your back?

I don't know." **shrugs*
What is the only English word a French-Canadian knows?

Sorry.
How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard?

They'll tell you.
What's being in love feel like?

You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway Almost as good as that.
When someone asks "You know what I think?

I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.
Who knows... Maybe Japan hacked Sony?

Yeah... Lets blame Sony.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.
Why does that guy always get all the women?

I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich" "And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows"
Why do you smell like weed?

Me: How do you know what weed smells like ! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(
What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it?

A casket
How do you know that one of them is a Marine?

Don't worry he'll let you know
Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?

He knows a little ham goes a long way.
How do we know that Batman is black?

He can't go anywhere without Robin'
What's brown ans sticky???

a stick :) haha (yes i know its super lame)
Why are dolphins all friends with each other?

They just click you know
What do call a potato that knows martial arts?

Jacket Chan
How do people with leukemia know they have cancer?

They can feel it in their bones.
How do you know your S&M partner works in IT?

They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
How many cans of soda can a soda can can if a soda can can can cans?

No one can ever know P.S. are these type of tongue twister jokes allowed here If not i will happily remove it.
What did the hurricane say to Hillary?

I didn't know disasters can run for office
What is this world coming to?

Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise
How do you know when the hole you're digging is big enough?

When the (w)hole job's done.
How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more
Why are Reddit jokes so overused?

I don't know, ask Dave.
How do you know statisticians are always serious?

They mean what they say.
Why is 12 the highest number rednecks can count to?

How else would they know how many cans are in a 12 pack.
How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.
Whats the funniest joke you know?

You.
Why don't I have a record deal?

Then I take them out and I know why.
What do you get if you cross goat DNA with human DNA?

I don't know, ask the Arabs!
What do you get when cross a black man and a octopus?

I don't know but I'm sure he could pick the hell out of some cotton.
How are you feeling Grandpa?

Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.
What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as?

A completely rational fear.
How do you know a woman is wearing tights?

Her knees swell up when she farts.
How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies?

He only got nailed once
Why can't you be the king I know?

The king you have inside you SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.
What do boys and algebra have in common?

They are both trying to find their X and they don't know Y.
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who knows, they never get the house.
How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I am on hold.
What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?

I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.
How do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you?

He has a big E on his pajamas.
How many Frenchman does it take to defend France?

I don't know. They've never tried.
Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.
What do they call deers in space?

I don't know, they would probably die anyways.
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?

A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?

Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.
How do you know when it's midnight at Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.
What's the easiest way to get off an elephant?

I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!
How do you know if someone's from Texas?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What is the most painful cereal known to man kind?

Banana Nut Crunch.
How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their mouth is moving.
What do you call a child molesting know-it-all?

A wikipediaphile
How do you know all Bernie Sanders' supporters are Harry Potter fans?

They all dress like Dobby.
Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?

Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...
What did the knife say to the pretty lady?

Nothing, she knew what was coming...
What did one renewable power source say to the other?

How did I wind up here I don't know man just go with the flow.
How many ants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but you've got to wonder how they climbed up there!
What were Adam's first ever words to Eve?

Stand back - I don't know how big it's going to get!"
Who could that be?

It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...
How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head & Shoulders under the steering wheel!
Why can't random men check random women's breasts for cancel?

Because that sort of information is on a knead to know basis.
How can you tell, with 100% certainty, that no intelligent alien life exists that we know of?

Because if it did, we'd have sent foreign aid by now.
What's the difference between a secret Taliban hideout and an Afghan public school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone
How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing
Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face?

Because they're always footing the bill.
How do you know the name of a Pokemon?

It will tell you.
How does Samsung know its most loyal customers?

They check with the burn ward. (I'll get my coat)
What do you get when you chop up a fruit and mix it with vegetables?

I don't know but it was hard as hell stealing thier wheelchairs with pieces of Richard Simmons tripping me up.
How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house?

He's still there.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa knows to stop after three Ho's.
What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!
When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet?

BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion"
How do you know if the moon is waxing or waning?

If it's waning you'll get weally weally wet.
How do you know when someone is a single mother?

Don't worry! They will tell you!
Why did you name your son Tinnitus?

I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.
What is a crossbreed between an elephant and a rhinoceros called?

I don't know, but it isn't !
What is the best animal related joke you know?

These jokes should be any jokes that are even vaguely related to animals!
Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?

A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know " whenever you ask them a question.
Why the patriots deflated 11 balls out of 12?

because they knew the "12" will be deflated during/after Superbowl.
Why did this OkCupid user never go out on a date?

A. "I couldn't imagine a date could be interested in knowing about me more than this website"
How many reddit admins does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seriously who knows? It's pitch black in here.
What is the difference between a generalist and a specialist?

A Specialist knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. A Generalist knows less and less about more and more until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
How do you know Satan's barbeque ribs are good?

Cos they're trident tested. #noapologies
How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?

A: Her crayons are still sticky.
How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

A: His heart stops bleeding.
How do you know you're on the phone with a meth head?

When comcast puts them on hold and they don't hang up
How do you move a 2000 lb dinosaur?

Don't know?? Use DINO-MITE
How do you know if a joke has been posted on reddit before?

Oh, they'll tell you.
How do you know you're getting old?

When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes?

So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it. Ta-boom!
How do you know?

My phone is turned off.
Whats the difference between a chicken and an alligator?

I don't know.
What do you call Kanye dressed as Kermit?

I don't know, but it's not Yeezy being green.
What can I get you to drink?

Pepsi" Is Peps- Uh one moment please In kitchen, to manager I don't know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do
Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"?

Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
What do you call an outdated joke that, while sharp, has little potential for laughs?

I used to know, but then I took an arrow to the knee
What's the most dangerous animal in Africa?

Black people. (Slightly Racist I know)
What's the difference between a potato and a vegetable...?

Not knowing how to use a coathanger...
Who i am?

Boy: No Girl: I'm The Principal's Daughet. Boy: Do You Know Who i am Boy: Good (Walks Away)
What do you get when you mix Fascism and Communism?

I don't know, that's why I was asking you.
What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant?

Hell-if-i-know (my grandma's favorite joke)
How do you know Putin's doing well this election?

He's taking over the Poles.
What do you call a person who knows 3 languages?

Trilingual. What do you call a person who knows 2 languages Bilingual. What do you call a person who knows only one language American.
How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

The screen stays black when you check the time.
How do pirates know that they exist?

They think, therefore they arrrr
How do you know you're not a racist?

Only if you have four black tires and a color TV
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

I don't know I have DirecTV.
How do you get a hipster to take a shower?

Give them a leaky showerhead. You know, so they can avoid the main stream.
How do you know when a woman is pregnant?

She switches from Ragu to Prego.
How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
Why are black people so good at basketball?

Cause all they know to do is steal, run, and shoot
What do you get when your cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Ell if I know!
Why are white people the scariest in prison?

Because you know they're guilty.
What is the difference between a drunk driver and a high driver?

The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even knowing it was there.. The high driver will wait until it turns green
How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.
How do I know thieves are bad kissers?

Because apparently I make out like a bandit.
Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

Cuz you know something's about to go down. Im sorry
How are PCs different from woman?

I know how to turn a PC on.
When I was your age... When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what?

We were thankful.
How do you know if an Asian is depressed?

All around them are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why are power tools good for bank robberies?

They know the drill.
What's the difference between Putin and Poutine?

Umm... I don't know ... I've got nothing.
What happens when you text while driving?

I don't know, I've never tri
How do you know Tiger Woods is one of the richest people in the world?

He plays golf.
Which I replied, "Wanna know whats also the size of Australia?

Australia.
How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"
What's the darkest joke you know?

I've always been a fan or dark humor, so, what's the darkest joke you know. no boundaries, no getting offended. please don't downvote anyone because you find it offensive, that's life, get over it.
What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people?

An icebreaker
How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don't know. Olive ewe Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101
What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common?

They both know when it's time to turn things over.
Why do barbers make good drivers?

Because they know all the short cuts.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel?

Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!
How are old jokes on reddit like a herpes outbreak?

You know they are going to keep coming back, and despite the fact they are weaker each time, you still don't look forward to them.
What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek?

Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.
Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?

Because they don't even know if they believe.
How do you know if you are having a good time?

When you throw your knickers against the wall, and they stay there.
Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....
How do you know if someone's a vegan?

When you ask them "Are you a vegan?" and they say "Yes".
What do you call a grandma that know martial arts?

A grandmartial artist. I apologise for any lost brain cells.
Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud?

He doesn't know how to turn things down
Why is flatulence more satisfying after a long struggle to push it out?

Because you know you made a real ef-**fart**
What's the worst part of having a lung transplant?

Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.
What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night?

Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.
How do you know when you're in a true, tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool tables have no balls
How do we know Jesus was a man?

We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.
Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)
How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the parachute?

When the leash goes slack.
How do you know if a hippie was at your house?

He's still there.
How Do We Know That Adam Wasn't Black?

Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man
How have you done that?

I don't know how but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell he gives me a piece of cheese.
What do you do if can't change a lightbulb?

Ya know what Just screw it.
Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?

He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...
Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS training camp?

I don't know, i just fly the drone
How does a black woman know that she's pregnant?

The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons. (aaannnd i'll see myself out)
How do you know if you are drowning in milk?

If it's pasturize
Who was that on the phone Fred?

Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !
How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out
What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.
Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care.
Why are law students known for drinking?

They are getting ready for the Bar exam.
What do you call a seagull that knows martial arts?

A: Steven Seagull
What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary?

I don't know but when it sits on your electric wire and sings all your lights go out
Where the hell are u?

ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there
How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?

It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States
What do you call a werewolf that knows it's a werewolf?

A self-awarewolf.
What do you call a confused baker?

I dough know.
When the crooked hamburger took it on the 'lamb' where did it go?

Oh 'ewe' know!
How do you know when you're staying in a hillbilly hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "okay, Go ahead."
What's the cutest part of a house?

The awning. I know, I'm sorry.
How do you know Jesus loves Japanese food?

Because he said he loves miso.
How did the bucket's mom know he was sick?

He was a little pail.
Why little girls can't fart Do you know why little girls can't fart?

Because they don't get a**holes until they get married.
How do you know that William Wallace is normally distributed?

Cause he has infinite degrees of FREEEEEDOM!!!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Hell-if-I-know
What' chu want fam?

The Vietnamese person replies, "How do you know my name "
What is a prime way of knowing when a retard is thirsty?

He'll have water on the brain.
How do you know your boyfriend loves you?

SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.
How many French people need to defend Paris?

It isn't known, never tried.
What do you get if you cross a giant hairy monster with a penguin?

I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
Who are we?

Women!" "What do we want " "We don't know!" "When do we want it " "Now!"
What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?

A widow
What do you get when you cross a ring-tailed lemur with a U-Haul truck?

I'm not sure, but I know
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
How do you know if someone has run a marathon?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

sigh* Parenting is hard.
What is the 25th letter of the alphabet?

The son answers, "Y." "Because I want to know!"
Why can't Californians stop at stop signs?

I don't know and this is not a laughing matter.
Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter?

They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!
What would my hippie side be doing right now?

I already know that
Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs?

Episcopaleontologists
How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?

A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
What it is, sweetie?

3: shouting I POOPED! "Do you know what a secret is " 3: whispering no.
What's a hillbillies favorite holiday? Halloween.... Do you want to know why?

Because they like to pump kin.
How many servers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, it's not my side work.
How do you know you've found Christopher Walken's house?

It has a recognizable gait
Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
How do you know if you've fallen in love with an apple from France?

Your heart goes "pomme pomme ... pomme pomme ..."
Who's there ! Alda ! Alda who ?

Alda time you knew who it was !
Why did the German boy go to Summer camp?

I don't know he did notsay!
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat?

When there's a sail on it.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
How do you know when someone smokes weed?

Dont worry, they'll tell you.
What is the common trait between men and snow?

You don't know how many centimeters you'll get, neither how long will it last.
Why don't Korean captains wear hats?

Because they don't know what to do with cap sizes.
How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?

Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel wet the soap and flood the bathroom.
What do you get with a woman majoring in woman's studies?

I don't know but she'll never make as much as a man AND SHE KNOWS IT!
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.
How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.
What did the alien say to the gas pump ?

Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you !
How did the Redditor get stuck in a loop?

I don't know, check the post above me.
How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had her.
What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.
How do pirates know they are pirates?

They think therefore they arrr
How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend?

When he starts using condoms with other girls.
What is the most common phrase used in school ?

Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correct !
What time is it?

I don't know... it keeps changing.
How do you know you're always about to have fun in the company of an octopus?

Because it's always ten-to-cool time...
How do you know that the drum riser is level?

The drummer dribbles out of both corners of his mouth
What's your best mattress joke?

Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)
What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?

If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.
What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.
What did Masters say to Johnson?

I don't know what the worlds coming to
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?

A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !
Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?

AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language
What did the horse say to the other horse?

Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn't speak!
Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip?

Because it hides their teeth.
How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But I don't know how they got in there.
How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.
How do you know when the Star Wars characters are safe?

Because they got Chewbacca
What is a paranoid man's favorite food?

Who wants to know?
Knock knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!
How do you know a blonde likes you?

A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)
How do you know when your dog is a bad hot dog?

When it's pure bread.
How many Vietnam vets does it take the screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
How do you refer to a necessary bear?

Pandatory. Stupid, I know.
How do you know accountants have no imagination?

They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
Why do Republicans make good DJs?

Because they know how to shut the House down.
How do we know that Joan of Arc was French ?

She was maid in France !
What's the difference between an accident and a catastrophe?

It's an accident if a boat full of refugees starts to take in water. A catastrophe is if they know how to swim
Why does the Easter Bunny hide eggs?

Because, he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground?

He felt the slack in his dog's leash.
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

You don't know cause you weren't there
Why did my husband die?

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"
How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them?

Don't worry they'll tell you
What's a orphans first words?

I don't know. But it sure as hell isn't mommy or daddy.
How do you know a gypsy woman is pregnant?

You put a piece of wire in her and if you feel pulling she is indeed pregnant.
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ?

He has cat-arrh !
What's your strong suit?

Oh, you know, the Hulk costume."
How can we know atheism exists?

Where's the evidence
What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)
How do you make cultured milk?

You take it to the Moo-seum. I know this joke is terrible, but I totally came up with it on my own, but I'm sure it exists already.
Whats you favorite Christmas joke?

I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!
How did you know that the janitors were dating?

They were caught sweeping together.
Why ever not?

The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask questions!
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

Nobody knows because they've never tried
What do you call the king of the jungle in the land down under?

Australian. Yes I know lions aren't jungle animals, but as per common nomenclature etc etc yadda yadda raspberry :)
What is the shortest, very funny joke you know?

ITT: comments about my dink, and people who can't search
How do you know if you have amnesia?

I don't know.
What's a capitalist's favourite dessert?

PROFITeroles. Bad, I know.
What an evolved soul?

How'd he know Me: The judge told him.
What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.
How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.
How do you know a presidential candidate is lying?

Their lips are moving.
How do you know if there's an athiest on a reddit thread?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Why can't Jimmy ride his bike?

Because he has no limbs Kinda dark, I know. It's just for those out there who would chuckle at this. ;D
Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.
Why did Cersei Lannister sent princess Myrcella to Dorne?

She knew her family history a little too well. Myrcella had two brothers.
What do you call a couch stuffed with chic peas?

a hummus-sectional ba dum tish! I know that was bad. Please blame my boyfriend, he thought of it.
What's the alien version of Facebook?

Spacebook. (It's a terrible joke I know).
Who's there ! Bolivia ! Boliva who ?

Boliva me I know what I'm talking about !
What do you do when you get to the top of the world's tallest mountain?

Have a rest. (Everest, get it?) Really awful joke, but I thought of it last night and was wondering if anyone recognised it? Who knows, it might be original....
Why can't British people go to North Korea?

Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "north career" means
Where'd ya get it?

The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)
How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.
How do you know when a hippy chick is on the rag?

She's only wearing one sock.
Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?

Before was was was was was is.
What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany?

Uncertainty or indifference ' He answered: I don't know and I don't care!'
What do you call a self-referential question posing as a joke setup?

Not funny. Except in that you know, "heh, meta" kinda way. Heh, meta.
Which dinosaur knew... Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?

A: The thesaurus.
How do you know he's a peeping tom?

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".
Why do Italian men wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. A: None the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.
What did the lesbian rattlesnake say to Hillary after they finished making love?

You know, they're right . . . we do taste like chicken!"
Why couldn't the Mexican work a wrench?

I don't know. Torqu?
What's the difference between a dog and Windows 10?

A dog knows what is 'no'.
How do you know when a joke has gone too far?

It's elected President.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?

Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.
Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance.
How do you know that you're a peaceful country?

When you realize that you can't spell country without UN.
What does FUN stand for?

Some nights, I don't know.
Why are people leaving the Ukraine?

I don't know but they sure are Russian.
How do know a job's been done by a lesbian carpenter?

There are no nails, and no screws, it's all tongue and groove!
How many controlled oposition does it take to change a light bulb?

None you know of. Since they signed a Non Disclosure Agreement to not talk about it.
How does a poor man watch TV?

with binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.
How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.
How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?

He felt his presents.
Why isn't Kanye West allowed in rural Pennsylvania?

An Amish with a tool, you know that's unheard of.
What is Illinois known for?

The three C's. Chicago, Corn, and Corruption.
What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection?

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"
What is a goat herder known as in the Middle East?

A Pimp
How do U know it's the wrong hole?

No one has done this before, it's just us two you know
What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That's an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Because a tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones
What's the difference between politics and professional wrestling?

In professional wrestling they know what they are doing.
What's that over there?

I don't know but I just got a raging clue
When geese fly in a "V" formation, do you know why one side is longer than the other?

Because there are more birds on that side.
What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
What do you get when you mix an octopus and a Mexican?

I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.
What's with Jane ?

It doesn't look good" "Yeah, I know, I'm asking about her health"
How do we know that Darth Vader is American?

Because he marches to the Imperial March and not the Metric March
How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...
What do you call a Muslim Girl dating an Agnostic Guy?

For safety purposes, I don't know if I should tell you her name..
What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?

Do you know how to drive this thing "
Why do asians got to the hospital after voting?

Everyone knows that you should see a doctor for an erection that last longer than 4 hours.
Why do we all marry?

because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!
When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry
What do you call a Mexican dessert that won't sink?

Or) What do you call an effeminate Mexican custard Flanboyant Muy terrible. I know.
When did this happen ?

a) I don't know he also stole my watch.
How do you know when you are a drug addict?

when you realize that you have had 2 strepsils within one hour.
Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train?

Because they're poor conductors! (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)
How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.
How many Vietnam War Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

You don't know man, you weren't there!
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue?

You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the jar of glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there
How do we know that Jesus wasn't born in Mexico?

Because he'd never have been able to find 3 wise men and a virgin.
How do you know you're not logged into reddit?

There are posts on the frontpage
How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess?

How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men
How do you know if someone's an expert archer?

Put an apple on your head & stand still he'll Tell you.
How do you know a stranger could be an engineer?

Don't worry they'll tell you.
How do you know if a pepper is starting a fight with you?

It gets jalapeno face.
Why are camels also known as Ships Of The Desert'?

Because they're full of Arab seamen.....
How do you know when a mongol is level?

He's drooling from both corners of his mouth.
What dino was known for having distinguished tastes?

A Connosaur
How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
How do you know that someone likes to smoke weed?

Don't worry they'll tell you.
How do you know the fastest runners are all doping?

They're always rushin.
What did off-center say to tilted?

I don't know either he told me to askew!"
How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm?

They'll both bite at anything!
How can you tell ignorance from indifference?

I don't know and I don't care.
How do we know Adam & Eve weren't black?

You ever tried taking a rib from a black man
Why don't Episcopalians play chess?

They don't know the difference between a bishop and a queen
How do you know this is OC?

Its not on the front page
What's the difference between a refugee and a terrorist?

I don't know. I just build the fence.
How do you know that God isn't a woman?

Because I'm not a sandwich.
How do you know if someone doesn't like Football and isn't going to watch the Super Bowl?

They'll tell you
What have you got on?

I've got a hard on. But I didn't know you could smell it."
What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot?

Second Caribou: Micky Moth!
How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this?

Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Why did the privileged white guy fail his algebra test?

He didn't know enough about inequalities
How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas?

Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.
Which dinosaur was the hardest to find?

the Steganosaurus! And do you know why ...because it was encryptid!
How do you know your girlfriend is too young?

She only puckers up for her pacifier.
How'd you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know either, I walked out early too.
What was the victim of the car crash wearing?

A Casualty (Casual-Tee, as in Tee-Shirt) 100% Guraneed Originality You can know for sure I made it up because of how corny it is...
What's up, Chad?

he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro "
What's the difference between a roasted chicken and a time bomb?

If you don't know the answer please never invite me to dinner.
How do we know God's not a woman?

We're not sandwiches.
How do pirates know they exist?

They think, therefore they ARRRRRRRR!
How do you know your S&?

M partner works in IT? They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, I left early.
Why don't you do the same?

Dad - "How can I I barely know her!"
How do you know when a black chick is pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon and all of the cotton is missing..
Why was the cake afraid of mobsters?

He knew they were going to ice him.
How is God just like a regular man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years?

Soviet Reunion Terrible and painful, I know.
What piece of bedding can also be known as a Mexican blanket?

the underlay! underlay!
What happened to the Oklahoma Territories?

I don't know but they're OK now.
Why don't mathematicians ever get blackout drunk?

They know their limits.
Why don't they let Italians swim in Long Island Sound?

If you know that one, try this one: Why do seagulls fly to the dump
How many girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know...
What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I'm expecting very little. Mission accomplished.
Why are Asians bad at golf?

They don't know how to drive.
How do you know that there's a monster in your bath?

You can't get the shower curtain closed.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?

I don't know but it would slow him down.
How does an Alabama girl know shes in for a crazy night?

Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.
Why didn't the Eskimo want to go hunting?

I don't know, guess he just wasn't Inuit.
Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?

Idk, accordion to research I guess.
What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?

Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Who invented rhetorical questions?

How should I know?
How do you know who in the room is a vegetarian?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
How do you know you are in a real lesbian bar?

Not even the pool table has balls
How is a fish like a bicycle?

Neither one knows how to whistle!
How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.
Why are hairdressers never late for work?

Because they know all the short cuts!
What family does the octopus belong to?

Pupil: Nobody I know!
What happens to your car insurance if you don't notify them that you've wrecked a car?

I don't know, but it's not wreck-amended.
How do you know a redneck invented the tooth brush?

We would have called it a teeth brush
What does God call his nose?

God knows.
How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Nobody knows, there's no light.
Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup?

He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!
When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte?

Just say "I don't know, make something up"
What do you call a smart knife?

Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.
Why did the hillbillies save some doe?

Because they knew it would give them a buck in good time.
How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub
What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What supervillain do you know the least about?

Loki , because he is low-key.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

I don't know but it's not rhelephant.
What "YSK" means?

Everyone keeps telling me that I should know...
Why did Vietnam revolt against the French?

Because they knew they would Nguyen.
What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?

I don't know, but it's damn good at picking cotton.
How do you know a North Korean robbed your house?

All your printer paper is gone and when you look at the printer history it's all Kim Jong-un.
How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's?

It smells like teen spirit.
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

I don't know." "So you're the one!"
How do you speak such good English?

I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history "
What would you call the mailman if he got fired?

I don't know, just some dude.
How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done before
How many TSA agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. TSA agents only know how to remove clothes putting them on is different matter completely.
Why was Jon Snow so successful at basketball?

he knew where to put it..
What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?

I don't know.
Whats the difference between a shower thought and a joke?

I don't know you tell me.
How do you know if a redneck girl is a virgin?

See if she can run faster than her brothers.
How does one know if balls are ticklish?

Test-Tickle.
What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See?

I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"
What's the most common question in Quantum Physics?

I don't know
What do you call someone who knows all?

Nostril-damus. &nbsp Works better if you read the joke out loud.
How do you know that Adam and Eve were white?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man
What did the Japanese buck say to the doe he was courting?

OC I don't know how to put this but...I'm kind of a big deer.
How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave?

There's Starbucks next to the headstone.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

I don't know. It kept breaking my guitar strings so I gave up.
How do blind skydivers know when to pull the cord?

The leash goes slack
What do you call a beast made entirely from egg whites?

A Meringue-u-tang!!! Note: I know it's spelled Orangutan. :P
How do you know you're speaking with an engineer?

Don't worry they'll tell you.
How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.
What are some products of the West Indies?

Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections?

Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?

You should know more than your dog.
How do you know someone went to Harvard?

They tell you.
How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny?

From all the Pharaoh moans.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both know when you are sleeping.
How do you know when someone is gluten free?

Don't worry, they'll tell you. "Exit stage right...."
How many Jon Snows does it take to change a light bulb?

It wouldn't matter. Jon Snow knows nothing.
How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub
How do you know someone's an engineer?

No worries they will tell you
How many groupies does it take to change a light-bulb?

None, they all know someone that does it for them.
How do you know that Hogwarts is feminist friendly?

The entrance is a dumbledore.
Why does everyone care who Tom Brady voted for?

What we really wanna know is who Ja Rule voted for. WHERE IS JA !
How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew.
What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?

A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?

One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
What is the main difference between existentialism and nihilism?

Who knows? Who cares?
What do you call someone who is known for being heartless and cold to others?

Dead
Why did the blonde freeze a pot of boiling water?

Because you never know when you're going to need some boiling water.
What do you get when you cross a canyon with a horse?

I don't know nobody has ever made it across.
What are the 2 rules of success?

No1 : Don't tell everything you know.
How do I know you're not a cop?

If I was a cop, how would I have this " *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good
How do you know if your friend has an iPhone?

They tell you.
How do we know Jesus wasn't a virgin?

Because he got nailed three times.
How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?

Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.
How do you know that Santa is a man?

No woman wears the same attire every year.
How many bees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
Why are jerks nice sometimes?

Standard deviation of the mean (OC, as far as I know)
How do the Muslims like their eggs cooked?

Sunni side up. I know this is a Shiite joke.
Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?

They were on the Earth before it was cool.
How do you call a judge that only gives innocent veredicts because he gave up on law school and knows nothing?

a quitter.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
Why does Snoop Dog always smile like he knows something you don't?

Because he's been snooping around.
What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

Pupil: Dead I didn't even know he was sick!
Who's the funniest girl you know?

A: Lola.
How do you know when a cat's done cleaning itself?

It's smoking a cigarette.
What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows Yeah, I know it's old....
When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.
Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

A: Because he's Haydn!
What do you find in cells?

My Ans) Black People . . . I dont know why do they ask such weird questions in biology.
Why are campers so predictable?

You know they're in tents.
How do you know if a girl is ticklish?

Give her a testicle.
How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?

She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"
How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk?

When it's past your eyes.
Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.
How do you know the Alphabet is celebrating Christmas?

When there is no "L" ("Noel")
What do Mexican jokes have in common with black jokes?

Once you know Juan, you know Jamal
What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters?

A Pedo File.
When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard?

Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.
When do you know that your career has gone south?

When you end up moving to South Korea, of course!
How do you know your dog's cancer is really bad?

If the vet says it's mutt-astasized.
How do you know ancient Egyptians were black?

Because they never dig up daddies.
What do you call the offspring of a black man and an octopus?

I don't know but it sure can pick a lot of cotton.
Why should you know who is the bride at an Irish wedding?

Because that's the one you're *not* allowed to punch in the face.
How did the pharmacist know his drink was spiked?

He fainted after the punch line.
What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?

A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
What is the difference between a dog and a cat?

Kevin still doesn't know.
What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

She got hit by a bus. Why did Sally fall off the swing? She lost her arms when she was hit by a bus. Why did Sally not get back on the swing? She also lost her legs. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for Christmas? I don't know, she couldn't open it.
Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes?

Because they're too high-strung. Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.
How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know. They just keep going on and on about how the last one broke.
How do we know burgers love young people?

They're pro-teen!
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena ?

I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs !
What's the difference between a deaf person and my wife?

I don't know.
Why is diabetes like a fumble recovery?

Because you didn't know they had it.
How do you know if someone is an Alabama fan?

Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.
How do you get rid of pubic lice?

Seriously, it is not a joke. I really want to know.
How'd family dinner go?

ME: Huge mess to clean. F: It's spotless! M: *sprays luminol* You'd never know they were even here.
How do you spot a vegan at a party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Who do you see winning the presidency in 4 years?

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.
How do you know you are in the gardening section of Home Depot?

Everything is priced in pesos.
What is the worst about having alzheimer's and dierrhea?

You're running but don't know where to.
How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

He's looking over his shoulder
Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with?

Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.
How do cats let us know that they are in pain ?

Me...........Owwwwww!!
What is the difference between a terrorist hideout and a school?

How should I know? I just fly the drones.
Why dont you like Taylor Swift?

Shes awesome!". Because I knew she was trouble when she walked in.
How do you know the high heel was invented by men?

Who else invents things?
What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
How do you know which pepper in the garden is the nosiest?

it's the one that's jalapeo business!!!
How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)
What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!
Why Is Chemistry Racist?

It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.
How do you know when you have bad acne?

When the blind try to read your face.
What is the worst part about being black?

You never know if your gums are bruised.
How do you know you're talking to a pilot?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common?

Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.
How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?

He stares at shoes while he talks to you.
What happens when you mix Jared from Subway and Bill Cosby?

I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.
What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.
Why don't cows drink milk?

because they lactose I don't know why I found this so funny! ready for the down vote to begin 3
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Need to know ASAP.
What did one kangaroo say to the other kangaroo?

I don't know I don't speak kangaroo.
What does the zero say to the eight?

I like your belt. Ok, ok. I know it's elementary, but I still love it.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus
How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A thought.
What are Asian Tennis Players most well known for?

The Back Hand
Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
What do you get when you mix a helicopter and a rhino?

Hell if I know.
What's the difference between a Syrian school and a terrorist camp?

I don't know, I'm just flying the drone
What kind of medicine do Ants use when they have eye problems?

Ant-Eye Biotics (Dad joke, I know)
What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?

Space
What are you thinking?

Because now I know and I am horrified.
How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

No one knows. They ride single file to hide their numbers.
How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?

Because they built their stuff with reads!
How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq?

They'll tell you.
Who knows how to sing Mariah Carey songs?

Not Mariah Carey
How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

He read it in the Hobbituary.
Why does not a forth-grader ever take the bus home?

Because he knew his parents will make him return it.
Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

Because he doesn't know the time of day.
How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near?

A: The leash goes slack.
How do you know if someone is a vegetarian?

He is going to tell you.
What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day?

I want to know her secret
How do we know hamburgers have high IQ's?

They 'loin' fast!
How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.
When lesbians get married, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither! Everyone knows they prefer hot pockets
How do you make stupid children?

I don't know, ask your parents.
Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.
How many bees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.
Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?

A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
Who was the hide-and-seek champion of 2005?

Nobody knows, they haven't found him yet.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

please let me know... I have a terrible sense of humor!
What did the token black guy say to the other black guy who walks in the party?

Hey man ! Who do you know here ? This is a Brothers only party !
How do you know if you are a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood
How do you know that a plane from the UK has landed?

An hour after its landed its still whining.
How to you know that cows will be in heaven?

It's a place of udder delight.
How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.
Why arent there any Socialist entrepreneurs?

Seriously I dont know.....
How do you know a joke is a repost?

It's on the front page
How do you know if someone grew up in New York City?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Why do dogs make good sailors?

They know their knots.
How do you know if someone is Puerto Rican?

They tell you.
What color are mirrors?

I don't know, let's reflect on this.
When does a dyslexic person know they've bought the wrong SUV?

When they're in Denali.
How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying?

Because he bawled.
Why aren't midgets attention whores?

Cause they know they're important.
How do you know your fridge is going through menopause?

It's all out of eggs..
How do you know an angle is dead?

When it shows no vital sines
What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?

I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.
How do you know a cat is ready to leave?

He makes a fe-line for the door.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows it's never happened.
What's a Jackhammer's Best Friend?

Cast Steel! Bahahahahah! You know! Cause it has a poor dampening value it vibrates so much! They um. They both vibrate. Well ok. One vibrates, the other reciprocates. That's kinda... Hehe. Heh. Reciprocate my humor damn it!
Why does superman have balls of steel?

I wouldn't know, i don't know the canon that well
How will I know when I'm an adult?

and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'
When you know it is too cold in Bay Area?

When you see the programmer's hands are in their pockets.
How many posters who type 'r/antijokes' on this sub only do it for karma?

Seriously, I don't know. Maybe 50?
Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What is the deadliest bear?

Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.
What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows yet.
How do you know if a homeless person has a girlfriend?

His clean fingers.
How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"
How do we know that Adam wasn't a black man?

Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man!! !
How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

You don't know? That's right, you know, because you weren't there, man!
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch ?

She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !
What type of Martial Arts does Jesus know?

Jiu Jitsu.
What would you like for your last meal?

Woman: "I don't know, what do you want "
How do you know if a black person used your TV?

It's not there anymore.
How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
What's the difference... ...between a piano, a fish, and glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish "What about the glue " I knew you'd get stuck on that.
What's the best part about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag's a plus.
How do you deal with ignorant people?

I really don't know.
Why don't we say Grace?

Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry
How do you know a Muslim is lying?

their lips are moving
What's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?

So you're the one.... (only if you answered "i don't know")
When birds fly in a 'V' formation, one arm of the V is usually longer than the other. Do you know why that is?

There are more birds on that side.
What present did the kid with no hands get?

Gloves. Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet.
What happened when the elephant sat on the car?

A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Don't know, the pope hasn't said yet. How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Lutherans don't change.
What did the Japan team say after the first half of the Women's World Cup?

I, 4-1, know we won't win."
What did the woman from Finland say after seeing an old man fall in the water, knowing he couldn't swim?

Oh no, Helsinki! He Finnish!"
What are Turkish cattle best known for?

Mootiny.
What's the difference between a Canadian and an American?

Canadian knows the difference between a school and a shooting range.
What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU
What's the best thing about a poet in a prison?

Oh you know, it has its prose and cons. Badum Tish. Be gentle, first time here.
What is the most offensive joke you know?

I'm bored tonight and I have a no holds barred sense of humour. What are some of your worst
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Need to know ASAP.
How do we know there are so many environmentalists on reddit?

A. Because everyone keep recycling the same jokes
How do I know?

They have already told everybody about 6 times in 5 minutes
What's THE dirtiest joke you know?

Please make it extra dirty with a side of dirty.
How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar?

Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.
What's the difference between an original joke and a repost?

I don't know, I just click "submit"
How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: So who wants to know Why do *you* want to know Are you a cop
How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts
What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum?

I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy
How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
Who's gonna be the next queen of R&B?

I don't know yet but she's gonna be Beyondce!
What was your name?

It's Siv" I know lmao hi5s other judge
Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?

I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
Why did the L.A. riots last only 4 days?

Everyone knows black people can't work a full week.
How many jail guards does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it matter Everyone knows the prison system can't change anything.
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it must be an odd number because, "they can't even."
What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?

You know you need a psychiatrist!
What is the Sun's favorite candy?

Starburst! Another one from my 9 year old. I don't know where he gets it.
How do you know if a pepper is being nosy?

When he's jalapeno business!
Why are you putting the saddle on backward ?

Brother: How do you know which way I'm going
How do we know Paul Walker had dandruff?

We found his Heads & Shoulders in the glove box.
What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?

When your nose touches the ceiling !
Which is your favorite Monty Python Joke?

Of course, there's , but here goes mine: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
How would you feel if I die?

Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!
What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.
What's the difference between an Elephant and a post box?

Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.
What do you call it when your lizard doesn't know how to use the internet?

e-reptile dysfunction
Where is everybody?

Everybody I don't know. All over the planet I guess.
What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.
Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?

So they know where to stop shaving
How did Chernobyl disaster happen ?

scientist A : Are you sure ? scientist B : Trust me, I know what i'm doing.
Why did Skrillex get fired from the antique shop?

Because he d-d-d-d-dropped the vase. Stupid. I know.
Why is it so hard to get to know Guantanamo Bay detainees?

Because they're too cagey.
What did the calculus student who failed his test and the guy who got a speed ticket have in common?

They didn't know their limits
What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

Watson the menu
What would happen if all Chinese people jumped off a chair, all at the same time?

I don't know either, but you would need a reeeally big chair!
What's the difference between and elephant and a mail box?

I don't know. I hope you're not allowed to take the mail out to the mail box.
How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.
What did the Black owner of the BMW do to deserve jail?

You mean, black people have to DO something to deserve jail p.s I know I am going dowwwnn for this
What did C.S. Lewis say about The Lord of the Rings books?

I don't know what you're Tolkien about!" Yeah, sorry.. I know it's dumb.
Why do they print nutritional information on Snickers bars?

If you don't know candy is bad for you, what are the chances you can read
Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

One knows the stops the other stops the nose.
How do you know if someone is not a vegan?

They don't tell you
How can you know that you are insecure about what other people think of your post?

deleted
How do we know that Greek yogurt's Greek?

Because it's whey strained.
When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm?

Intermittenly.
How do you know when an introvert is interested in you?

They are looking at your shoes, rather than their own.
What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?

Your parents would know!
What do you get when you mix a Mexican with an octopus?

I dont know, but it sure as hell can pick apples.
Who's there ! Beggar ! Beggar who ?

Beggar you don't know !
What did the guy with 6 children say to the guy with six felonies?

I don't know they were speaking Spanish.
Why was the track runner with low self-esteem able to complete the race even after being impaled by a stray javelin?

He didn't know he had it in him.
How does a ninja shop for groceries?

No one knows.
How does a black women know if she's pregnant?

All the cotton on her tampon has been picked off.
Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.
How do you know if a Korean gang robbed your house?

Because all the rice is gone, and three hours later, they are still trying to back out of your driveway.
Why is Adam known as the first accountant?

He turned a leaf and made an entry.
How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?

The parents would love to know.
What is the difference between chicken and blondes ?

The chicken knows on whose eggs sitting .
Why does Tyler Perry put his name on everything he makes?

So you know what shows to watch.
What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

You should know, you've only read it twenty times.
Why can't the incredible hulk find a girlfriend?

Because all the girls know he just wants to smash
Why do power lines hum?

Because they don't know the words.
How do we know God is not a woman?

Because the Earth is not a sandwich!
What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop!
Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!
What species of mushroom is known for being an instigator?

The shiitalkie mushroom.
How do you know that Hindu woman is into you?

Her diode starts flashing green.
What flavor is the milkshake?

How far away is the yard How could you know its better than mine You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.
Why did the ska guitarist take twice as long to fap?

He only knows up strokes
When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long
What's the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage?

I don't know, I just fly the drone
Did you know that protons have mass?

I didn't even know they were catholic.
Why is Pokemon Go Banned in Saudi Arabia?

Because not all Pokemon know selfdestruct.
How do you know a guitarist is sad?

They start to fret.
Whatever's the matter ?

asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
What kind of operating system do horses use?

None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.
Why are white prisoners so scary?

Because you know they did it.
Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time?

He doesn't know he's black.
How do you know you're talking to a sales guy?

He says "I'm not a sales guy".
What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don't know. It's a Mistery.
How do you know your house had chicken pox?

It has shingles.
Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
How do you catch an orange elephant?

I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
How do you know if a guy has an asian wife?

He'll tell you.
How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent?

You've never heard of him.
How do you tell two witches apart?

You can't! You don't know which witch is which!
Why do conspiracy theorists have such long beards?

Because they don't know how to use Occam's razor
How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?

Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
How have you got that body?

I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the boot and there she was."
What are the best funny fake names you know?

I submit - Craven Moorehead
What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

Some will know this some won't It's a towel xD
The punchline often arrives before the set-up.

Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?
How do you know whether somebody is a vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.
How cool is that?

We don't know who he is, but we know his dentist!"
Where is the English Channel?

Student: I don't know, my tv doesn't pick it up
How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener
Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say "do you know who I am?

because while I wait I like to be introspective
How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

You've had whey too much!
How many MRAs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Tires need changing too you know!
Why do we always ran out of toothpicks?

Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using.
How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?

A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
How do you know when you're lonely?

When 90% of your search history is ASMR videos.
How do you know when your vegetables are boiled?

Their wheelchair floats to the top.
What does one call an undertaker that's been drafted into the Military?

A Corpseman. Painfully obvious, yet a terrible play on the English language, I know. It was something I came up with a few years ago, for some unknown reason.
Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?

I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar
How do you know that Keira Knightley doesn't exist?

A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds.
What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?

Lots
How'd you catch it?

Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
What's that coffee drink with icecream?

I used to know it, but... Affogato.
What's the difference between a pedant and a sadist?

A sadist is honest about his intentions. That probably wasn't funny, but what do I know?
What's the difference between a cake and a school bus ?

Jill: I don't know. Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake !
What's the difference between a taliban outpost and an Afghani Elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drones
How do you know you're flying over Poland?

A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
How did the rainbow know is was lost?

It was a clear day
What do you do in your free time?

I stalk. " "Really I go swimming and for long hikes" "I know.".
Why will the artist formerly know as Prince only hire former FBI agents as his house maids?

Because they must be able to "dust for Prince" I'll see myself out now
How do German women know when they're pregnant?

They're never late...
Why does a d dog scratch himself?

He is the only one that knows where it itches.
How many liberals does it take to defend America?

Nobody knows, they've never tried.
What did the banana say to the elephant?

Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?

Your homework is done and your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.
What happens when you see two twin sister witches?

You don't know which witch is which!

Country/region

Know Jokes

How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian?

What does poop have in common with the Boston Rioters?

What does a taxidermist do for a living?

What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

Whats that over there?

What does a strong shoulder do when it doesn't know how to get any stronger?

What do you call a short person that knows Martial Arts?

What's ur emergency?

How do you know if you're in a French Village?

How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?

What's the difference between a civilian camp and an ISIS base?

What are the chances you know an Olympic gymnast??

What about yours?

What is the scariest thing about a white man in jail?

Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women?

What's the definition of an accountant?

What did the pastry chef say to his apprentice?

How do you know if something is art?

When Geese fly in a "V" formation, do you know why one side of the "V" is longer?

Why are we here?

What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?

What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

What do you have on?

How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner?

What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?

What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant?

What do you do to relax?

How much does a slave cost?

What is the difference between 1 Gb and 2 Gb?

How do you know if a Muslim is laughing online?

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

How do you know that an Asian has robbed your house?

Why did the feminist get fired from Panera?

How many women does it take to invent something?

What rhymes with Jon Snow?

Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

Why did the nun swallow a needle?

What do you like to do in your free time?

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Which is worse, insouciance or ignorance?

What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?

What do women and police cars have in common?

How do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor?

What's your favorite word?

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

Why was the two-dimensional emo sad?

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

How do you know it was an Irishman?

Why don't Hollywood talent agents drink chocolate milk?

How do you tell the time in Antarctica?

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave?

What do you call a helicopter mixed with a rhino?

When black guys say "ya feel me?

did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

What's the difference between a piano, glue, and a tuna?

What do you call a deer that likes rain?

What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?

How many homeless people does it take to screw a light bulb?

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies?

What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?

How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb?

How does a fish always know how much they weigh?

Why don't Pokemon cards ever have any typos?

What do you call a dinosaur who knows how to please its woman?

How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ?

How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?

What do you call a car if you don't know its gender?

How do you do that?

How do you know an r/jokes mod is a cyberman?

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?