Australian Jokes
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What is Australian cuisine called?
Prison food
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What do Australian terrorists say before attacking?
Uluruakbar
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Why can't Australians play chess?
They keep saying check, mate.
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How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?
They'll tell you.
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What do Australians call upside down cake?
Cake.
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How does an Australian shave?
Rise up lights
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What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?
Cheque, mate!
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How do Australians sleep?
With their heads at the foot of the bed.
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Why did the Australian pirate refuse lunch?
Because he had Somalia.
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What's an Australian Kiss?
A French kiss down under ;) *first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*
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What do you call an Australian who discriminates against different types of rice?
Rice-ist!
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What did the masterbating Australian mortician do?
Cremate
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Why are Australians so well balanced?
They have a chip on both shoulders.
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What do you call the king of the jungle in the land down under?
Australian. Yes I know lions aren't jungle animals, but as per common nomenclature etc etc yadda yadda raspberry :)
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What does an Australian chemist call is bro?
Bromate Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong
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How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?
Czechmate
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How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
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What does an Australian use instaed of toilet paper?
Bidet, mate.
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How could I forget, mate?
At an Australian parliament meeting, two guys were shouting back and forth and one said: "I am a country member!" and the other said: "Oh, I remember!"
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How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
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What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?
1961
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What do you call a thug Australian mammal?
a gang-aroo
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Why do Australians take forever to play chess?
Because they never make it past the first check, mate.
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What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?
Check, mate.
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Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?
Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
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What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?
You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry
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What do Australians say when they go to bed?
G'night mate
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What do you call a dead Australian Wrestler?
Stone Cold Steve Irwin
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How do Australian bees please the queen bee?
They bee hive
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What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert?
Boo-meringue
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Why do Australians have a well balanced walk?
They've a chip on both shoulders
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What did the Australian say when he won a game of chess?
Cheers, mate.
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Why do Australians always win 4D chess?
Double check, mate
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What do you call a smart Australian?
A New Zealander
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How do you order a bill in Australian restaurant?
Cheque, mate! --- Maybe not the funniest buy posting because: My. My own. My precious...
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How do you call sons of australians and germans?
Men at Work
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What do you call an Australian singer who was born in Australia?
Aussie Aus-born.
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What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?
Rise up lights
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What do you call an aminoacid glued to an Australian?
A glutamate.
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What's an Australian's favorite element?
Gold
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What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?
A riceist. (It sounds better when you say it aloud)
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What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?
It's stalemate
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What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?
Check, mate!
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What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?
They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.
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What's the worst thing about...?
getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger. *Yet another Australian pub joke*
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What's an Australian Kiss?
It's like a French kiss, but down under.
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What do Australians use for sun burns?
Aloe, mate. I'm sorry
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What does an Australian witch ride on?
A broomerang!
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What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?
Stockholm Syndrome.
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What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile?
Q: What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile? A: Crocodile Dunsee
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What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?
Oz Moses.
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What Australian city has the most cats?
Purrth.
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Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?
Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.
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What did the Australian say to the hawk?
Good eye!
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How does an Australian clean is bum?
Bidet, mate.
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How did the Australian make the Olympics?
He koala-fied!!!!! Buh-duh-tss