Australian Jokes

  • What is Australian cuisine called?

    Prison food

  • What do Australian terrorists say before attacking?


  • Why can't Australians play chess?

    They keep saying check, mate.

  • How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?

    They'll tell you.

  • What do Australians call upside down cake?


  • How does an Australian shave?

    Rise up lights

  • What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

    Cheque, mate!

  • How do Australians sleep?

    With their heads at the foot of the bed.

  • Why did the Australian pirate refuse lunch?

    Because he had Somalia.

  • What's an Australian Kiss?

    A French kiss down under ;) *first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

  • What do you call an Australian who discriminates against different types of rice?


  • What did the masterbating Australian mortician do?


  • Why are Australians so well balanced?

    They have a chip on both shoulders.

  • What do you call the king of the jungle in the land down under?

    Australian. Yes I know lions aren't jungle animals, but as per common nomenclature etc etc yadda yadda raspberry :)

  • What does an Australian chemist call is bro?

    Bromate Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong

  • How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?


  • How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

  • What does an Australian use instaed of toilet paper?

    Bidet, mate.

  • How could I forget, mate?

    At an Australian parliament meeting, two guys were shouting back and forth and one said: "I am a country member!" and the other said: "Oh, I remember!"

  • How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

  • What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?


  • What do you call a thug Australian mammal?

    a gang-aroo

  • Why do Australians take forever to play chess?

    Because they never make it past the first check, mate.

  • What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

    Check, mate.

  • Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?

    Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!

  • What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

    You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry

  • What do Australians say when they go to bed?

    G'night mate

  • What do you call a dead Australian Wrestler?

    Stone Cold Steve Irwin

  • How do Australian bees please the queen bee?

    They bee hive

  • What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert?


  • Why do Australians have a well balanced walk?

    They've a chip on both shoulders

  • What did the Australian say when he won a game of chess?

    Cheers, mate.

  • Why do Australians always win 4D chess?

    Double check, mate

  • What do you call a smart Australian?

    A New Zealander

  • How do you order a bill in Australian restaurant?

    Cheque, mate! --- Maybe not the funniest buy posting because: My. My own. My precious...

  • How do you call sons of australians and germans?

    Men at Work

  • What do you call an Australian singer who was born in Australia?

    Aussie Aus-born.

  • What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?

    Rise up lights

  • What do you call an aminoacid glued to an Australian?

    A glutamate.

  • What's an Australian's favorite element?


  • What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

    A riceist. (It sounds better when you say it aloud)

  • What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

    It's stalemate

  • What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

    Check, mate!

  • What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

    They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

  • What's the worst thing about...?

    getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger. *Yet another Australian pub joke*

  • What's an Australian Kiss?

    It's like a French kiss, but down under.

  • What do Australians use for sun burns?

    Aloe, mate. I'm sorry

  • What does an Australian witch ride on?

    A broomerang!

  • What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

    Stockholm Syndrome.

  • What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile?

    Q: What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile? A: Crocodile Dunsee

  • What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?

    Oz Moses.

  • What Australian city has the most cats?


  • Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?

    Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.

  • What did the Australian say to the hawk?

    Good eye!

  • How does an Australian clean is bum?

    Bidet, mate.

  • How did the Australian make the Olympics?

    He koala-fied!!!!! Buh-duh-tss