French Jokes

  • Why wasn't Euro Disney popular?

    Every time they set off the fireworks, the French surrendered.

  • Why do the French not pronounce "h" at the beginning of words?

    Because they hate it.

  • Why do jihadists drink instant coffee?

    Because they hate the french press...

  • What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

    They both hate the French press

  • Who loves hamburgers French fries and ants?

    Ronald MacAardvark!

  • What's the difference between an English pig and a French pig?

    A French pig goes, "Oui! Oui! Oui!" all the way home.

  • What is the best celebration to have in a French Toilet?

    A biday party!!

  • How does a french alcoholic greet someone?


  • Who is the most famous French ant ?

    Napoleant !

  • Why do French people only ever have one egg for breakfast?

    Because one egg is

  • What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general?

    Napoleon Bunnyparte!

  • How does a French soldier greet his comrades?


  • Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

    He got crped out.

  • Why French Fighter jet are name phantom?

    Because they don't exist.

  • Why so the French line their streets with trees?

    So the Germans can march in the shade

  • What did one dehydrated French guy say to the other?

    What do we do now, Pierre

  • What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

    Fillipe F'Lop

  • Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

    So they can see the battle.

  • What is French Super Mario's favorite board game?

    Le Ouija

  • What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs?


  • What's the only thing the English and French agree on?

    Americans. Alternatives: What's the only thing Americans and the French agree on? The English. What's the only thing the English and Americans agree on? The French.

  • Why do French tanks have review mirrors?

    Because they want to see the front line too

  • Why could the french man not count to four?

    He could not get past the tree!

  • Why can't French people count to 5?

    Because there's a in the way.

  • What is the favorite number of french potheads?


  • Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

    Because one egg is un oeuf.

  • What's in Heaven and Hell?

    In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

  • What do you call a hip French black guy?


  • How many French eggs do you need?

    One egg is un oeuf.

  • What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage?

    They go to Cannes

  • How do you say "I surrender" in french?


  • What's a French egg's favourite airforce?


  • How do the French defend a city?

    We don't know, they've never tried it.

  • What do you call a cheesy French man?

    Parma Jean

  • What's a French person's favorite video game system?

    The Wii! (Oui)

  • How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank?

    The rear-view mirrors

  • What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

    A trajeudi.

  • How do you know if you're in a French Village?

    If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.

  • How do I know he was French, do you ask?

    He went oui, oui.

  • What do you call a dehydrated French man?

    Pee Air

  • How many French horn players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    100, 1 to screw it in and 99 to say how they could do it better.

  • What smells of cheese and is filled with holes?

    About 100 French people right now

  • Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

    Cause they hate the French press

  • Why did the french man put a bomb on his kitchen floor?

    Because he wanted to see Linoleum Blownapart.

  • What do French athletes wear?

    Jaques straps

  • What do French people say after they've gone to the bathroom?

    Au revoir poo poo

  • How do French psychologists like their beverages?


  • How can you identify a French Infantryman?

    Sunburned armpits.

  • What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?

    He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

  • Why did Aristotle hate French fries?

    They were fried in ancient grease!

  • What do you call a French dog that sells medicine?

    Un phrarmachien!

  • When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?

    When I do her hair: "How about a hat "

  • What does a French carpenter say when he runs out of nails?

    I haven't a clous.

  • What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it?

    Linoleum Blownapart

  • Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

    So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

  • Why does nobody ever talk about Jack the Ripper's sleazier French cousin?

    Jock the stripper.

  • What's the sound that a French tank does just before the enemy frontline attacks?

    Beep Beep Beep...

  • What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing?

    Nothing. Dressings don't have arms

  • How do you stop a French tank?

    A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!

  • What do you call a french soul singer?

    Beret White

  • What do you call a French human delicacy?

    Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.

  • How do French poodles greet each other?

    A: Bone-jour.

  • Why is French body armour so cheap?

    They only need it for their back

  • What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

    Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!" ("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")

  • What do you call a french racist?

    A beget!

  • What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas?

    All I want for christmas is yeux"

  • What do you get if you cross a cow a french fry and a sofa?

    A cowch potato!

  • Why did Vietnam revolt against the French?

    Because they knew they would Nguyen.

  • What do you get if you take the red circle off a Japanese flag?

    The French flag.

  • What did the french fry say to the police officer?

    Help me! I've been a-salted!

  • What did the French guy say when a bird pooped on him?

    I have Grey Poupon me

  • What does a french sheep say?

    Ca ba?

  • How does a French lady hold her liquor?

    By the ears

  • What do you call a French General who charged into battle and died?

    Napoleon Blownaparte

  • What French city always surrenders first?


  • Why did the french geologist have to go to the hospital?

    He had Gaul stones.

  • How do French girls hold their liquor?

    By the ears

  • What do you call a french lesbian?

    A tresbien

  • How many french men does it take to conquer Paris?

    No one knows, it's never been done.

  • What is the French version of the name Parker?


  • Why do the French have so many civil wars?

    So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

  • How did the blonde burn her nose?

    Bobbing for french fries.

  • What do Godot and my wife have in common?

    Both are French.

  • How many gears does a French Tank have?

    5. 4 reverse and 1 forward for parades.

  • What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners ?

    Mercy !

  • What's the difference between a bowling ball and a French girl?

    You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

  • Why do Muslim extremists prefer to drink cappuccino?

    Because they hate french press.

  • Why did the French milkman have to hurry?

    He was running lait

  • What did the French philosopher say to the vegetable playing poker?

    All in, du thyme

  • What's the holiest, French color?

    Sacred blue!

  • Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

    Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

  • What does a french truck driver shout during Bastille Day?

    Have a NICE day!

  • Why did the french chef go to the police?

    Escargot stolen.

  • What's an Australian Kiss?

    It's like a French kiss, but down under.

  • Why is it impossible to say no to french fries with cheese and bacon?

    Because it's a loaded question!

  • Why don't the french like kiwifruit?

    Because of the green piece inside.

  • Where do French lawyers like to relax?

    The J'accusi

  • Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland?

    Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.

  • What did the french baker ghost said?

    BOO! Langerieeee!

  • Why don't French people smile in pictures?

    The French word for "cheese" is "fromage".

  • What's common between Canadians and Belgians?

    They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.

  • What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?

    French press. (Too soon?)

  • How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?

    It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States

  • What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet?

    H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.

  • What's an Australian Kiss?

    A French kiss down under ;) *first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

  • Why was the French chef sent to prison?

    He was convicted of crepe.

  • What do you call a French whore?


  • Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store?

    Because they are all looking for their pre

  • What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes?


  • Why did the French police arrested the Muslim teenager?

    Because he was trying to detonate a Samsung Note 7.

  • How do you get info from a french dude?

    You est-ce que question

  • How do french thank who save their files?

    Merci backup.

  • How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted?


  • How do you sink a French battleship?

    Put it in water.

  • How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

    A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

  • What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again?

    Au nevoir.

  • Why don't the French have fireworks on Bastille day?

    because they would all surrender.

  • What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

    They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

  • What's the difference between In-n-Out Burger french fries and League of Legends?

    I can control my salt intake at In-n-out.

  • What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day?

    A hug and a little quiche.

  • What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit?

    The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!

  • Why are there windows on the back of French tanks?

    So they can watch the battle

  • Why should you torrent only from French sites?

    Because it'll run faster.

  • What is the most common french saying?

    nous abandonnons"

  • Why don't the French need air conditioner?

    They use 2-in-1 shampoo

  • What do you call a Frenchman in Colorado?

    A French Fried

  • What do you call the system of honour of French horses?


  • Why are French snails faster than American snails?

    L'ess cargo

  • What is round and hates French people?

    The World.

  • How many gears does a French battle tank have?

    Five. Four in reverse, and one in case the enemy is attacking from the rear.

  • What do you call 222,215 Frenchman with their arms up?

    The active french armed forces.

  • What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

    RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

  • Why does the French flag have Velcro?

    So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

  • Why did the French Hen give up her job?

    One day she'd just had un uf.

  • How did the Frenchman get turned on?

    He French-kissed a power outlet

  • What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

    French press

  • What does a French beaver call her home?


  • Why do French people only have one egg at breakfast?

    Because one egg is un oeuf.

  • What do the French call a bad Thursday?

    A tra-jeudi.

  • Why do the French like Cheap Trick?

    Because they always surrender!

  • What is a french bakers lifestyle like?

    Its a life of pain

  • How did ISIS do on their French exam?

    They bombed it...

  • What were the French children doing in the pool?


  • What's the policy at French morgues?

    Baguette and tag it.

  • How does french cheese expire?

    From age

  • How did ISIS do on their French test?

    They bombed it...

  • What are french journalists good at catching?


  • What's the difference between a slice of toast and the French?

    You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast.

  • Why do the french hate League of Legends?

    They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

  • What's the difference between the French and toast?

    You can make soldiers out of toast!

  • Why do the French like Easter?

    Because it's such a bonne ide.

  • Where were the first French fries made?

    in grease

  • Whats the new French flag look like?

    A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

  • What do you call dark French people?

    French Fries

  • Who makes coffee for the U.N.?

    The French Press Secretary!

  • Why was Les miserable?

    He was French.

  • How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French?

    Melon D'OH

  • How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread?

    He felt pain.

  • What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common?

    They'll never work.

  • How do we know that Joan of Arc was French ?

    She was maid in France !

  • What do you call a French pole vaulter?

    A Leap Frog

  • What do you call a french guy wearing sandals?

    Felipe Flop

  • What do you call a guy who pretends he can speak French?

    A francophony

  • did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

    they were cooked in Greece

  • What is the French verb that means "To declare war"?


  • What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette?

    Gluten tag*

  • What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear?


  • What do you get when you throw a grenade into a french kitchen?

    Linoleum Blownapart

  • What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two?

    Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!

  • What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left?

    Oh, gosh!

  • Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?

    A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

  • What do the French learn in basic training?

    How to surrender in twenty-seven different languages.

  • Why did the French fry call the police?

    Because it was a(salt)ted.

  • How do you advertise a French rifle?

    Never fired, dropped once.

  • How does a French blacksmith sharpen his blade?

    He hon(hon hon)s it.

  • How does a French person sneeze?


  • What is your funniest joke about the French?

    Mine is this: How do you pick out the Frenchmen in a room full of naked soldiers? They're the ones with sunburned armpits.

  • What do you get when you have the ghost of a French Viking?


  • When does an Irish potato change nationality?

    A: When it's french fried.

  • Why do the French get high so fast?

    Because they'll reach 420 before anyone else. Explanation: 80 is quatre-vingt in french and quatre=4 and vingt= 20.

  • What did the French stoner say?

    80 blaze it

  • What game do French schoolchildren like to play?

    Simon 16

  • What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded?

    What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place

  • What do French people do when vacationing in Laos?

    They go swimming in Laotian

  • What did the french food critic say when he was given a savoury pancake?

    It's crepe"

  • Why am I scared of french pastry chefs?

    They give me the crepes.

  • What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe?

    Paddy Hor D'oeuvre

  • How do you reject a French girl?

    Just say neaux.

  • Why do Jihadist Muslims drink only instant coffee?

    Because they completely hate the French press. (Reposted)

  • What do you call an eerie French pastry chef?

    A crepe.

  • Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

    He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

  • Why did the French have so many civil wars?

    So they could win one.

  • Why do the French stink?

    So blind people can hate them too

  • What do french fries and friends have in common?

    They both die if you chop them

  • When I'm with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French ME leans across Oh really?

    DATE: Yes

  • Why do most French recipes require only one egg?

    In France, one egg is *un oeuf*

  • What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers?

    French Flies!

  • What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

    All that was left was de brie.

  • What do the French call artificial feet for cats?

    Faux Paws

  • What did one dehydrated French man say to the other?

    What are we going to do now, Pierre

  • How does a French skeleton say hello?


  • What is the motto of the French navy?

    To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

  • What do French people put on really funny sandwiches?


  • What do you call a French sandal?

    Philippe Flop!

  • What sort of underwear does the ghost of a French baker wear?


  • What do you call a magic dog in French?

    A magi-chien.

  • Which French novelist looked like a scrotum?


  • What do French stoners smoke?


  • Why does ISIS drink instant coffee?

    Because they hate French press!

  • Why does lightning only strike the French?

    Because it follows the path of least resistance

  • Why are Microsoft circuit boards so bad?

    They use French resistors.

  • Who is the easiest to get a high-five from in a war?

    The French. They always have their hands up.

  • Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

    Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

  • Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow?

    Because she's really French, and the French have no GUTS!

  • Where do you find 60 million french jokes?

    A: In France.

  • What's a barista in France's favorite workout?

    A French press

  • What do you call a mentally impaired French Man that cant say no?

    A Oui-Tard

  • What do the french call 4/20?


  • What did the newly paroled French prisoner name his restaurant?

    Attempted Crepe

  • Why is French person a better team player than a pirate?

    The pirate says, "Aye, aye!" The French says, "Oui, oui!"

  • How does one French arsonist flirt with another one?

    Voulez-vous brler avec moi ce soir?"

  • Why can't the French cook two eggs?

    Because one egg is

  • How many eggs do the French use in their omelettes?

    Just one, because in France one egg is un oeuf.

  • How does a French woman hold her liquor?

    By the ears.

  • What do you call an empty field?

    The french army at the beginning of a war!

  • Why are French guns the best to buy?

    They've never been fired, and only dropped once.

  • How many French people need to defend Paris?

    It isn't known, never tried.

  • What do you call a french organized crime detective?


  • What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur?

    Chia LaBeouf

  • Why are there no bungalows in France?

    Because the French have many flaws

  • When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?

    I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"