French Jokes

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

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Why did the french geologist have to go to the hospital?

He had Gaul stones.

What do you call a cheesy French man?

Parma Jean

What French city always surrenders first?

Toulouse

How does one French arsonist flirt with another one?

Voulez-vous brler avec moi ce soir?"

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

What's common between Canadians and Belgians?

They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.

What do you get when you have the ghost of a French Viking?

Paranorman

What do French people say after they've gone to the bathroom?

Au revoir poo poo

How does a French soldier greet his comrades?

Salut!

Why did the French police arrested the Muslim teenager?

Because he was trying to detonate a Samsung Note 7.

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What is the favorite number of french potheads?

80

What do you call a French dog that sells medicine?

Un phrarmachien!

What do French people put on really funny sandwiches?

LMAO

Why don't the French need air conditioner?

They use 2-in-1 shampoo

What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted?

Beaucoup.

What does a french truck driver shout during Bastille Day?

Have a NICE day!

Why is it impossible to say no to french fries with cheese and bacon?

Because it's a loaded question!

How do french thank who save their files?

Merci backup.

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What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!" ("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")

What do you call dark French people?

French Fries

Who makes coffee for the U.N.?

The French Press Secretary!

What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common?

They'll never work.

What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it?

Linoleum Blownapart

What do French people do when vacationing in Laos?

They go swimming in Laotian

What do you call the system of honour of French horses?

Chevalry

What do you call a mentally impaired French Man that cant say no?

A Oui-Tard

Why do the French not pronounce "h" at the beginning of words?

Because they hate it.

How do the French defend a city?

We don't know, they've never tried it.

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Why do the French get high so fast?

Because they'll reach 420 before anyone else. Explanation: 80 is quatre-vingt in french and quatre=4 and vingt= 20.

What did the newly paroled French prisoner name his restaurant?

Attempted Crepe

How do you reject a French girl?

Just say neaux.

What's a barista in France's favorite workout?

A French press

What game do French schoolchildren like to play?

Simon 16

What do you call a dehydrated French man?

Pee Air

How do French girls hold their liquor?

By the ears

What is the motto of the French navy?

To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

How do you know if you're in a French Village?

If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.

What did the french baker ghost said?

BOO! Langerieeee!

How did ISIS do on their French exam?

They bombed it...

How did ISIS do on their French test?

They bombed it...

What is round and hates French people?

The World.

Why does the French flag have Velcro?

So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

What smells of cheese and is filled with holes?

About 100 French people right now

What does a French carpenter say when he runs out of nails?

I haven't a clous.

What were the French children doing in the pool?

Piscine.

What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet?

H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.

How does a french alcoholic greet someone?

Enchantr."

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

Why did Aristotle hate French fries?

They were fried in ancient grease!

How many French people need to defend Paris?

It isn't known, never tried.

What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

French press

How do you say "I surrender" in french?

Bonjour"

Why did Vietnam revolt against the French?

Because they knew they would Nguyen.

Where do French lawyers like to relax?

The J'accusi

What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing?

Nothing. Dressings don't have arms

Why do the French like Easter?

Because it's such a bonne ide.

Why do Jihadist Muslims drink only instant coffee?

Because they completely hate the French press. (Reposted)

What's the difference between an English pig and a French pig?

A French pig goes, "Oui! Oui! Oui!" all the way home.

How do French psychologists like their beverages?

froid

What's the difference between a bowling ball and a French girl?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again?

Au nevoir.

Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store?

Because they are all looking for their pre

How many gears does a French Tank have?

5. 4 reverse and 1 forward for parades.

What do you call a french guy wearing sandals?

Felipe Flop

What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!

What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes?

Franchicing

What does a french sheep say?

Ca ba?

What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

They both hate the French press

Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur?

Chia LaBeouf

What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day?

A hug and a little quiche.

Why was the French chef sent to prison?

He was convicted of crepe.

What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?

French press. (Too soon?)

What do Godot and my wife have in common?

Both are French.

Why do Muslim extremists prefer to drink cappuccino?

Because they hate french press.

What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs?

Eiffel.

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

Cause they hate the French press

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi.

How do you advertise a French rifle?

Never fired, dropped once.

What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas?

All I want for christmas is yeux"

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

How does a French lady hold her liquor?

By the ears

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Fillipe F'Lop

What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe?

Paddy Hor D'oeuvre

What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded?

What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place

What do you call a french soul singer?

Beret White

How many french men does it take to conquer Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done.

What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left?

Oh, gosh!

What do the French call a bad Thursday?

A tra-jeudi.

Where were the first French fries made?

in grease

Why can't the French cook two eggs?

Because one egg is

Why so the French line their streets with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade

What do you call a magic dog in French?

A magi-chien.

Why can't French people count to 5?

Because there's a in the way.

What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit?

The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!

What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.

What is your funniest joke about the French?

Mine is this: How do you pick out the Frenchmen in a room full of naked soldiers? They're the ones with sunburned armpits.

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Speak Jokes More Speak Jokes

Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony?

When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had "To NY" on their hats.

Why cant we interpret what frogs are saying?

They only speak in Morse-toad!

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered?

Waiter: Well you know how slow turtles are.

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

Sound Jokes More Sound Jokes

What sound does a cow make?

Sssssssss....

What sound does an emo cow make?

Amumu

80 Jokes More 80 Jokes

Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

Because they had good high jeans

What do the french call 4/20?

80

American Jokes More American Jokes

Why is it bad to have a strong American dollar?

It's harder to break bills.

What's the difference between a yogurt and the Americans?

If you leave a yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.

Read Jokes More Read Jokes

Why can't Sean Connery read November?

Because he hasn't Read October.

Why couldn't the dimwit read more than one sentence?

There was a full stop

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What time is it when yo mama sits on a chair?

Time to buy a new chair.

Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time?

MC Escher

Horrible Person Jokes More Horrible Person Jokes

What do you call a French human delicacy?

Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person