5 Jokes

  • What animal has 5 legs?

    A pit bull coming back from the playground.

  • How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?

    not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7

  • What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?

    A caterpillar

  • What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?

    A "no one will ever believe me".

  • How do you cut a turd into 5 pieces?

    Squish it in your hand.

  • What's your least favorite race?

    I personally can't stand 5K's

  • How Many Lightbulbs Does it Take to Change Captain Jean Luc Picard?

    4 or 5.

  • What's worse than 5 dead babies in 1 trash can?

    1 dead baby in 5 trash cans

  • What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

    My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

  • How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Only one but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

  • Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

    Because they literally can't even.

  • How far along are you?

    ME: 5 stops.

  • What has 5 arms and rocks?

    Def Leppard

  • Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?

    Dalai Lama job interview)

  • What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9?

    I can't even...

  • What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?

    13 blackberries and 5 apples

  • What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

    Me: That's an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

  • What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time?

    tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan... gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))

  • What is the difference between a 5 and a 2?


  • How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

    Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

  • Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

    Because in charge of directing, Yoda was

  • What's the hardest part about winning crossfit?

    Being 5 foot 6

  • What can 5 men do that 5 women can't do?

    Pee in a cup.

  • What are the 5 most terrifying word in the english language?

    Five more years of Cameron"

  • What do you call 5 black guys and a white guy?

    A basketball team. What do you call 9 black guys and a white guy? A baseball team. What do you call 11 black guys and a white guy? A football team. What do you call 100 black guys and a white guy? A cell block

  • Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

    Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball

  • What does Jimmy Buffett's chicken say?

    It's 5 o'cluck somewhere.

  • Why was 4 afraid of 5?

    Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.

  • What does fast and furious 5 and the walking dead have in common?

    They both have dead walkers.

  • What are 5 "Ms" from Detroit?

    GM, Eminem and Michael Moore.

  • Why can't there be a League of Legend's team of 5 Lucians?

    Because you can't have a team with only 3 champions.

  • How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?

    Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

  • What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

    About 5 drinks

  • Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%?

    It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!

  • What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?

    A family friend paying a visit.

  • What happens if the baby pees?

    Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

  • What does the pirates 5 trailer and the iPhone 7 have in common?

    There's no jack

  • Who has more testicles?

    contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

  • Why were episodes 4, 5, 6 made before 1, 2, 3?

    Because in charge Yoda was.

  • Why is the set including the square root of 5 and the square root of 4 similar to the set including anarchism and authoritarianism?

    They are both unlike radicals.

  • How many states of matter are there?

    5: solids, liquids, gases, plasma, and black lives

  • Why are we here?

    Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

  • What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows?


  • When does a pentagon not have 5 sides?

    When it's intersected by a plane

  • What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

    I feel positively charged!

  • What do you call 5 guys who have no arms or legs and a woman floating in the water together?

    Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann

  • What do you call a group of 5 guys named Curtis that are all wearing matching suits?

    A Curtis-y flush

  • What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

    The NBA

  • What weebles and wobbles but can't get up?

    Grandpa having a seizure. Bonus: Statistically speaking, 1 in 5 adult men

  • Why does Mom wear makeup?

    Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

  • How many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    5, one to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.

  • Where is 5?

    Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

  • What has 5 eyes?


  • Why does she keep cleaning the floors?

    Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.

  • Why does Yoda think 5 is afraid of 7?

    Because "6, 7 ate".

  • What do you call a 5' 2" fortune teller that has escaped from prison?

    A small medium at large

  • Why wasn't Boy George any good at English?

    because he always put 5 commas before chameleon.

  • Why were there 5 Mexicans in a Ford?

    It was a Fiesta

  • How many gears does a French Tank have?

    5. 4 reverse and 1 forward for parades.

  • Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business?

    He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.

  • What do you call 5 black guys on a stage?

    An auction

  • How do Alaska CB radio operators say "10-4"?


  • What is an ark?

    2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

  • How do you get out of an elephant?

    Q: How do you get out of an elephant A: Turn around and around until you get all pooped out. (5 yo humor never gets old)

  • What does a rock do all day?

    Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)

  • What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

    My hand.

  • What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

    Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

  • When someone asks, "How are you?

    I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

  • What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

    February 14th.

  • How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.

  • Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

    Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

  • How do you split $6 between 5 mexicans?

    You cut *Juan* out.

  • Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?

    Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

  • How many beers is that for you today, dear?

    Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

  • What has 5 legs and a big grin?

    Pit-bull in kids sandpit

  • What gets you a downvote?

    Reposting an old joke that wasn't funny the first time. What gets you an upvote? Posting an original joke, or a funny joke I've heard before. What get's you 5 upvotes? Being

  • What's Terrance Howard's favorite Radiohead song?

    1 x 1 = 2) + 2 = 5"

  • How will Santa get in?

    Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what Me: what

  • Why was 5 afraid of 6?

    Because 6 7 8! ...(in honor of May 4th Star Wars day)...

  • Where is Jennifer's husband?

    Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:

  • Why is he crying?

    Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison M: What 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

  • What animal runs around happily with 5 legs?

    A pit bull in a kindergarten

  • Why Do Sorority Girls Travel In Packs Of 1, 3, 5 or 7?

    Because they can't even.

  • Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?

    I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

  • What has 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

    The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

  • What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?


  • Why couldn't 5 stop drinking?

    Because it was 2 turnt up

  • What do you call a Black Guy surrounded by 5 White Guys?


  • Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?

    because 5 8 13!

  • What did the black mother name her 5 daughters?

    Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart She called them by their last names!

  • How do you drowned a hipster?

    Throw them in the mainstream. Edit: spelling because I'm 5

  • Why can't French people count to 5?

    Because there's a in the way.

  • Why was 5 afraid of 7?

    Because 6, 7 8.(http://www.reocities.com/Area51/Meteor/9836/yoda/yodafunface2.jpg)

  • Where can I find that "4 Out Of 5 People Get Money In Their Birthday Cards" Birthday Card?

    I've been checking online with no luck, unless I'm checking the wrong place

  • What do you call 5 doctors and nurses on a ship?

    A: A decade Ba dum tish.

  • How do babies get out of bellies?

    ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO COVERED IN ICE CREAM: "How do babies get out of be---"

  • What time is it in New York City?

    5 past Lundqvist

  • Why was 6 afraid of 5?

    Because 7 8 9

  • When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?

    Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak

  • What are 5 black people in a red car?

    A KitKat.

  • What has 5 teeth and 60 eyes?

    A bus full of old people