5 Jokes

Reposting an old joke that wasn't funny the first time. What gets you an upvote? Posting an original joke, or a funny joke I've heard before. What get's you 5 upvotes? Being

Why wasn't Boy George any good at English?

because he always put 5 commas before chameleon.

Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:

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What has 5 teeth and 60 eyes?

A bus full of old people

What do you call a 5' 2" fortune teller that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

Why can't French people count to 5?

Because there's a in the way.

Why was 5 afraid of 6?

Because 6 7 8! ...(in honor of May 4th Star Wars day)...

When does a pentagon not have 5 sides?

When it's intersected by a plane

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

What do you call 5 black guys and a white guy?

A basketball team. What do you call 9 black guys and a white guy? A baseball team. What do you call 11 black guys and a white guy? A football team. What do you call 100 black guys and a white guy? A cell block

Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?

because 5 8 13!

What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9?

I can't even...

What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?

13 blackberries and 5 apples

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Why is he crying?

Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison M: What 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

What's your least favorite race?

I personally can't stand 5K's

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach.

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?

Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

What does a rock do all day?

Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)

What do you call 5 doctors and nurses on a ship?

A: A decade Ba dum tish.

How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?

not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7

Why couldn't 5 stop drinking?

Because it was 2 turnt up

Why was 6 afraid of 5?

Because 7 8 9

How do babies get out of bellies?

ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO COVERED IN ICE CREAM: "How do babies get out of be---"

What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time?

tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan... gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))

How do you get out of an elephant?

Q: How do you get out of an elephant A: Turn around and around until you get all pooped out. (5 yo humor never gets old)

Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business?

He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.

Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th.

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?

A caterpillar

What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks

What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That's an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

How will Santa get in?

Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what Me: what

How do Alaska CB radio operators say "10-4"?

5-5-2-2."

What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

My hand.

Where can I find that "4 Out Of 5 People Get Money In Their Birthday Cards" Birthday Card?

I've been checking online with no luck, unless I'm checking the wrong place

How do you split $6 between 5 mexicans?

You cut *Juan* out.

What are the 5 most terrifying word in the english language?

Five more years of Cameron"

What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows?

Tetris

Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%?

It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!

Why was 5 afraid of 7?

Because 6, 7 8.(http://www.reocities.com/Area51/Meteor/9836/yoda/yodafunface2.jpg)

What does fast and furious 5 and the walking dead have in common?

They both have dead walkers.

Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?

Dalai Lama job interview)

Why does she keep cleaning the floors?

Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.

Who has more testicles?

contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

What can 5 men do that 5 women can't do?

Pee in a cup.

What weebles and wobbles but can't get up?

Grandpa having a seizure. Bonus: Statistically speaking, 1 in 5 adult men

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?

Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak

How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.

What animal runs around happily with 5 legs?

A pit bull in a kindergarten

What do you call 5 guys who have no arms or legs and a woman floating in the water together?

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann

How do you drowned a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream. Edit: spelling because I'm 5

How Many Lightbulbs Does it Take to Change Captain Jean Luc Picard?

4 or 5.

What is an ark?

2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

What's worse than 5 dead babies in 1 trash can?

1 dead baby in 5 trash cans

Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball

Why was 4 afraid of 5?

Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.

Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?

I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

What time is it in New York City?

5 past Lundqvist

What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

I feel positively charged!

Why does Yoda think 5 is afraid of 7?

Because "6, 7 ate".

How far along are you?

ME: 5 stops.

What did the black mother name her 5 daughters?

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart She called them by their last names!

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

How do you cut a turd into 5 pieces?

Squish it in your hand.

Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

How many states of matter are there?

5: solids, liquids, gases, plasma, and black lives

Why is the set including the square root of 5 and the square root of 4 similar to the set including anarchism and authoritarianism?

They are both unlike radicals.

What animal has 5 legs?

A pit bull coming back from the playground.

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was

What are 5 "Ms" from Detroit?

GM, Eminem and Michael Moore.

What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?

A "no one will ever believe me".

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?

A family friend paying a visit.

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5, one to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.

What do you call a Black Guy surrounded by 5 White Guys?

Toby

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