Buy Jokes

Who wants two tickets to the gun show?

I bought the Groupon but can't make it :(

4.7

Paperback

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How did SkyMall go bankrupt?

I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.

Why are math students so skinny?

Because they buy no meals. (Binomials)

Which perfume do you use ?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?

A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?

A: She couldn't raise enough dough.

Where does Dracula buy his pencils?

Pennsylvania.

How do you sell a dog to someone hard of hearing?

Get really close to their ear and shout, "DO YOU WANNA BUY A DOG "

Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of salsa?

2 gals 1 cup(http://www.reddit.com/r/Canning/comments/yyhsp/my20triptothelocallatinmarketnetted165/)

How do you order a bill in Australian restaurant?

Cheque, mate! --- Maybe not the funniest buy posting because: My. My own. My precious...

Where does the military commander buy his groceries?

the GENERAL STORE HAHAHAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY

No Pun Intended (The Last of Us Joke Books)

4.9

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Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?

Because he had a stinking cold!

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult?

It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea?

Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.

Where do you buy clothes for baby owls?

the outlet

Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants?

Cos Chernobyl fall out

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

Why Mr.BEAN Bought A Brown Cow?

2 Get Chocolate Milk!!

Where'd you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

What's the difference between the grocery store and a math book?

In a math book I can buy 57 papayas at $1.99 each and no one will care.

How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

Now, I tweet them

4.7

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Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?

He wanted Mark Antony !

How do you sell chicken to a deaf man?

A: HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN !!!!!!!

Why did the spider buy a car ?

So he could take it out for a spin !

Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?

I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!

Why did the mobster buy a planner?

So he could organize his crime

Where do fortune tellers buy their clothes?

Sears.

Why shouldn't you buy trousers from northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

What's the easiest way to get off an elephant?

I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!

Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

The Ultimate Dad Joke Book: 501 Hilarious Puns, Funny One Liners and Clean Cheesy Dad Jokes for Kids (Gifts for Dad)

4.7

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Who the hell buys furniture online?

Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay

Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long?

I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

When is the best time to buy budgies ?

When they're going cheap !

What does Supertramp do after buying rice?

They take the long-grain home.

Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

Who is not buying this

Why do Arabs only buy Chevy Trucks?

Because they're like Iraq.

What should you buy if your hair falls out ?

A good vacuum cleaner !

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Why did the terrorist buy himself a Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS :(

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

How many unwashed gorillas did Fetty Wap buy?

17 dirty apes.

What do Leonardo DiCaprio &amp anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common?

Their odds of winning are the same

Why bother?

They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"... oh, like I wasn't !

What's the cheapest kind of noodle you can buy?

Penne.

What the?

Oh, I accidentally bought Hamburger Hinderer

What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it?

A stool sample.

What's The Coolest Thing On the Internet I Can Buy for Under $100?

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/wyozq/whatisthecoolestthingicanbuyonthe/c5hp9rg

When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

Why do people buy expensive rims?

they're investing in wheel estate.

How can I buy the New York Times?

He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

Where do you buy Pikmin from?

The Oli-Mart

How could you be pregnant!?

I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!

Where do Sikhs buy clothes?

Turban Outfitters

Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

Why do they call it Almond Milk?

Because if they called it Nut Juice nobody would buy it.

What do you call it when you buy stocks of a clothing company?

A good in-vest-ment

Where do safari animals buy their groceries?

From the supermeerkat

What's the best thing about having Parkinson's?

Never having to buy another electric toothbrush.

Where does monty python buy his water?

From the knights Da-sa(y)-NI! This joke is best delivered verbally.

Where did you buy all that junk?

Kid: At the Joke shop.

Who would still buy a Note 7 after all the controversy?

A Muslim

How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

Where is the best place to buy computer software?

Washington C.D

Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion?

He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".

When should you buy a bird?

When it's going Cheep.

Why couldn't the Hungarian programmer buy a third long?

Because he only had Forints! Thank you thank you, tip your waiter.

What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters?

This is non-cents!

How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

They use a Chopin Liszt!

Who likes music?

asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

What does a traffic cop do when he wins some money?

Buys an intersection for a private business work.

What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf?

A gras shopper.

Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

Why shouldn't you buy underwear from the Ukraine?

Chernobyl fall out.

How does a white lady fix a flat tire?

She buys a new car.

Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ?

He prawned everything !

What's the most emotional computer you can buy?

A Dell.

What is the most unethical thing you can legally buy?

Nestle products

Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?

I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Why did the bodybuilder buy a dictionary?

Because he wanted to get more definition.

What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

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U. Jokes More U. Jokes

What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

A coconut

What is a Brit's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be "T", but it is "U". *Favourite, btw.

Diaper Jokes More Diaper Jokes

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?

Because they're in continents.

Steal Jokes More Steal Jokes

Why is Superman wanted by the police?

He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.

What did the dealer say to Ted when he caught him stealing heroin?

Your addicted.

Hammer Jokes More Hammer Jokes

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

What do nails like to do on the weekend?

Get hammered.

Shirt Jokes More Shirt Jokes

What did the shirt say to the pants zipper?

Your so fly man

What did the man say when he ran out of clothes?

Oh dear, it seems I'm shirt on clothes.

Sale Jokes More Sale Jokes

Where are the groceries?

ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

What do you call a pickle on sale?

A sweet Dill.

Couch Jokes More Couch Jokes

What size bed comfortably fits a married couple?

Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.

What did the hippie say when he was kicked off the couch?

Namaste

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

What do you get when you put Ryan dunn and Paul walker in a porshce?

Dunn Walking!!!

Why do girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?

Because they can't even.