Steal Jokes

  • Why couldn't the Sailor steal other peoples work?

    It was Pirated.

  • What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one?

    You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time

  • Why is it hard to play Uno with Mexicans?

    They steal all the green cards.

  • Why couldn't the pirate have gravy with his thanksgiving dinner?

    Because someone stole his boat.

  • What did Jonathan Ross say after breaking in to a large kitchen to steal some utensils?

    It was worth the whisk

  • What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen?


  • Why did Vanilla Ice steal a can of hair spray?

    Because the label said, "Contents Under Pressure" Got this joke from my brother :D

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

    The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies. Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

  • How many reposters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one, but they have to steal it first.

  • Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

    They always steal the green cards.

  • How many /r/Jokes users does it take to make a Joke?

    WRONG! They don't make it, they steal it...

  • What has 4 legs and a trunk?

    The 2 nigerians that stole my trunk

  • What do you call a dog with no legs and balls of steal?


  • What if I color on you?

    What if I run a truck along your back Steal your toy Throw a ball Spit food at you - My toddler, wooing the dog

  • Why... Can't illegal US immigrants play Uno?

    Because they keep stealing all the Green Cards

  • Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals?

    In his briefcase!

  • What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

    Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money

  • What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold?

    Iron Pirate

  • Why is it impossible to play UNO with Mexicans?

    Because they keep stealing all the green cards.

  • What did the car say when it's front wheels were stolen?

    I don't want to go anywhere. I'm two tired.

  • What did the bartender say to the girl that tried to steal a drink?

    It was worth a shot.

  • Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

    because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

  • Why do people admire pirates so much?

    They have nerves of steal.

  • Why do SJWs hate Pong?

    It's a wildly successful game that only has straight, white main characters (I stole this joke from somewhere but am not allowed to say where)

  • How will a black chef start with his recipe?

    First we steal two Eggs

  • Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

    Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

  • What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing?

    That's not my stile.

  • Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

    Old habits die hard

  • Whats easier than stealing candy from a baby?

    Stealing candy from a dead baby.

  • Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf?

    In case you get a hole-in-one (stolen from some girl at school)

  • What do you get if your Kia is stolen in Finland?

    No Kia

  • Why do you want to be Jedi?

    Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army To keep the peace

  • What did the last-place olympian say after someone stole his sled?

    What have I got to luge

  • What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ?

    Pupil : It's stolen !

  • Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

    They would steal all the boos.

  • Why did the prison board decide to build the new prison out of concrete?

    The old one was made of steal.

  • Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

    Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

  • Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners?

    The white guy might actually be guilty. (Stolen from a comment by )

  • What Did Kid Davis Say To The Lesbian Melons?

    you cantaloupe. i just thought of this. probably not the first person to, but i certainly didn't steal it.

  • What do you call a Mexican who has his Mondeo stolen?


  • Why are there no black people at the North Pole?

    Because there is nothing to steal there

  • Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

    A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

  • Who stole the golden necklace? Was it a High Elf, a Nord or a Khajiit?

    The Khajiit.

  • How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know. (Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)

  • Whats The difference between Stealing Cookies from a Jar and Child Molesting?

    Ive only ever been caught stealing cookies.

  • Who would steal an artificial leg?

    Im stumped.

  • What's the difference between a basketball player and a mexican?

    Nothing, they both run, jump, shoot and steal.

  • What do you call someone stealing musical instruments?

    A Luter.

  • Which villains steal soap from the bath?

    Robber ducks.

  • How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

    Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....

  • What do you get when you cross a black and a mexican?

    Someone who's too lazy to steal.

  • Why should you never play Uno with a foreigner?

    Because they will always steal the green cards.

  • How do you steal something from a crazy person?

    You straight jack it.

  • What did the Roman say when the Greek accused him of stealing his gods?

    It was all a myth-take!

  • What do you call a robotic transforming Malaysian airliner?

    If it's evil, a Deceptigone. If not, an Autobottomoftheocean Shamelessly stolen from

  • What do you say when the Batmobile drives by?

    Na na na na na na na na BAT MAN What do you say when a stolen Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BLACK MAN

  • Who else would've stolen it?

    You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"

  • What are the first 3 words in every authentic Mexican recipe?

    Steal a chicken

  • Why do people hate playing uno with Mexicans?

    They keep stealing green cards.

  • What would you tell someone who is attempting to steal your cheese (hint: not "nacho cheese")?

    Leave my provolone!

  • What do you call someone who steals a glacier?

    An iceberglar

  • Why is Superman wanted by the police?

    He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.

  • What did the dealer say to Ted when he caught him stealing heroin?

    Your addicted.

  • Who stole the sheets from the bed?

    Bed buglars.

  • What do you call a stolen yam?

    A hot potato.

  • What do you call a person who steals and is then praised by his/her friends?

    A Redditor.

  • Who tries to steal fool's gold'?

    A pyrite!

  • What is that white thing in my pork&beans?

    The Queen Bean. *Blatantly stolen from Ren & Stimpy

  • Why do robbers steal money?

    Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff She's a criminal mastermind.

  • How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs?

    He was delighted.

  • Who steals from the poor and gives to the rich?

    Robbin' hood

  • What happened to the Polish National Library?

    A: Someone stole the book.

  • What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen?


  • What's green and says "hey I'm a frog"?

    A talking frog! Stolen from "Friends" still hilarious.

  • Why do you never play uno with a mexican?

    Because they will steal all the green cards.

  • Why are Mexicans bad at UNO?

    They steal all the green cards.

  • Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans?

    They steal the green cards.

  • What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?

    He was convicted of fragrancy.

  • Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

    Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

  • Why did it take a strong thief to steal a manhole cover?

    Because only he could pull it off.

  • Why did the french chef go to the police?

    Escargot stolen.

  • How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff?

    Straight jack it.

  • Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies?

    Their kids would be too lazy to steal.

  • Which birds steal soap from the bath ?

    Robber ducks !

  • What do you call a guy that steals burgers?

    A hamburglar!

  • What do you call a guy that hates Christmas and steals the woman you love?

    Ebenezer Scrooge-yagirl

  • Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems?

    Because they have trouble taking a Wii.

  • How can you tell if the kid that stole your bike is half black and half polish?

    He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.

  • Why can't you play UNO with a mexican?

    They always steal the green card.

  • What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver?

    I'm at your service ma'am.

  • Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?

    The thief was spending less then his wife.

  • What does a witch do if her broom is stolen ?

    She calls the flying squad !

  • What's the difference between a woman and a man?

    A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

  • What do you call it when someone steals your footrest?

    Grand Theft Ottoman

  • What's faster than a black man stealing a T.V?

    A: His brother running with the V.C.R

  • What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee?

    A Mugging.

  • How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?

    You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.

  • Why did the man steal mushrooms from the store?

    Because he had no .

  • How do lumber theives offload their stolen goods?

    They fence it.

  • What is that white thing in my pork&beans?

    The Queen Bean. *Blatantly stolen from Ren & Stimpy

  • Why was Cleopatra angry?

    She was on her pyramid. Stolen from Whose Line Is It Anyway.

  • Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

    Because he had my grains

  • What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common?

    The same middle name. (Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)

  • How do I stay in shape?

    I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

  • What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

    Activates its shelf destruct sequence. I'll see myself out...

  • Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?

    Click Turpin

  • Why did the Arabic man ask for her hand in marriage?

    Because she stole his heart

  • Why do potheads only steal from other potheads?

    Otherwise there's nothing worth toking.

  • Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ?

    Because the poor didn't have any !

  • How did robbers gain entry to steal from Miley Cyrus?

    They came in like a wrecking ball.

  • What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?

    One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.

  • What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell?

    Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*

  • What can stop supervirus from destroying humanity ?

    Batvirus ( stolen joke xD )

  • What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black man?

    Someone who steals your job then doesn't show up.

  • What do you call someone that steals shoes?

    A sneaker.

  • Why did the asian man get arrested for stealing a Buick sedan?

    It was a Regal

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • Why is Apple donating money to cancer research?

    Cancer stole our jobs!"

  • Why should you never play Uno with a Mexican?

    Because they'll steal all the green cards.

  • What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

    Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

  • Why did the spy steal the laptop?

    It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.

  • What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?

    You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.

  • Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor?

    Rabbit Hood.

  • What is so bad about being half black and half asian?

    You can steal a car but you can't drive it.

  • What did the man say after Michael Jackson stole his coat?

    Hey that's mycoat Jackson!

  • Why did Thor file a police report?

    Because someone stole his thunder

  • Why didn't the blond want to use her phone while using the bathroom?

    She was afraid someone would steal her IP address.

  • Why Did 9Gag Cross The Road?

    To steal a Reddit User's post on the other side.

  • Why are Cal Tech and MIT constantly Fighting?

    Because MIT blames Cal Tech for stealing their Feynman, and there will never be another man as Fine.

  • Why don't people like to play uno with Mexicans?

    Because they always steal the green cards....

  • What happens if you steal in Afghanistan?

    You get Talibanned

  • What sound does a space turkey make?

    Hubble, hubble, hubble shamelessly stolen joke from the Facebook page of "Grammarly"

  • What duo were famous for stealing horses?

    Bonnie and Clydesdale!

  • What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?

    The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.

  • Whats the difference between white people and yogurt?

    If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop its own cultures without having to resort to stealing others.

  • Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

    Because everything is a steal.

  • What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

    I love the pokey, mon.

  • What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils?

    A whisk taker.

  • Who steals all the soap in the bathroom?

    The robber ducky

  • What is it called when a thief steals a purse, runs into the street, then gets run over?


  • What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans?


  • Who's the founder of the Japanese Wikipedia?

    Yojimbo Wales! (Joke stolen from co-worker)

  • What's a robin?

    Fred: A bird that steals ma'am.

  • What's the one thing a black person will never steal?

    Your job.

  • What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

    Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

  • Why was the pirate fired from the babyGap?

    For stealing the booty

  • How does a coat steal something?

    They jacket

  • What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...?

    Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.

  • What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?

    One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.

  • What does a horny frog say?

    Rubbit. Stole this from a friend.

  • What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon?

    The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from .

  • What did Shang Tsung say when he stole Liu Kang's shoes?

    Your sole is mine!

  • When did this happen ?

    a) I don't know he also stole my watch.

  • What do you call a duck that likes to steal?

    A Robber Ducky!

  • What do you call a stolen Tesla?

    An Edison

  • Why do you want to learn jujitsu?

    Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.

  • What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?

    He got a way with words.

  • What will the results of the next election be?

    No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!

  • Why are thieves the best actors?

    Because they always steal the show.

  • Why don't you play UNO with a Mexican?

    Because they steal all the green cards

  • What's large, black and steals your credit cards?

    Sony Playstation

  • What kind of jeans does mario wear?

    Denim denim denim.( shamelessly stolen from tumblr

  • What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food?

    These are nacho-nachos.

  • Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

    In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

  • Why did the kid steal the fan?

    He wanted to be cool.

  • What's black and steals your change?

    Vending machines.

  • What do you call a stolen Tesla Car?


  • Where does He-Man keep his towel?

    BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

  • What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food?

    There goes my gyroooo

  • Why are most reactionists black?

    Because stealing is the only thing they can do.

  • Why do the ghosts never win races?

    Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.

  • What did the chemist say when he caught his brother stealing halogens?

    Bro, mine

  • Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?


  • What did the baker say to the baby lamb who stole his dough?

    Oh baby got what I knead!"

  • What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?

    A stole.

  • What do you get when you chop up a fruit and mix it with vegetables?

    I don't know but it was hard as hell stealing thier wheelchairs with pieces of Richard Simmons tripping me up.

  • Why black people are so good with basketball?

    They can shoot and steal without being arrested.

  • How's the business?

    2) Do you have a girlfriend 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator

  • Why did you steal that bird?

    Prisoner: For a lark sir.

  • What do you call a Mexican that had his car stolen?


  • What does Santa and Hackers have in common?

    They both steal cookies )

  • What is the definition of Robin ?

    A bird who steals !

  • What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet?

    The Tie of the Igor.

  • Why do black people like basketball?

    Because it invovles running, shooting, and stealing.

  • How do you steal a coat?

    You jacket.

  • Why do black people like the NBA?

    It's the only sport where you can shoot, steal and run!

  • How are E.T. and a Mexican immigrant the same?

    They both steal your bike.

  • How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar?

    Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.

  • Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties?

    Because they always steal doubloons

  • How did the dog make anti-freeze?

    He stole her blanket.

  • What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?

    You owe me one cannoli."

  • Why did the car thief drill holes in the air conditioning units of the cars he stole?

    Because he my take your ride but he will never take your freon.

  • What did the mouse say when his cheese was stolen?


  • Why did the firefly keep stealing things ?

    What goes "snap crackle and pop" A firefly with a short circuit !

  • What do you call a stolen tamole?

    A hot tamole

  • What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

    A: It stole the show!

  • How do you get milk from a witch's cat?

    Steal her saucer.

  • What did a police officer write in the criminal report, when they found a homey from the bottom of a lake, wrapped in 200 kg's of metal chains?

    Offender stole more than he could carry by swimming

  • How did they invent break dancing?

    Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

  • What's faster than a black guy running with a stolen T.V.?

    His brother with the DVR

  • Why do black people play basketball?

    Because it teaches them how to shoot, run and steal.