Baby Jokes
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What's easier to load into a garbage truck, babies or bowling balls?
Babies, because you can use a pitchfork.
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What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
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Whats the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you step on a trampoline Probally heard this but it's worth a shot
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What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..
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What's the difference between babies and love?
Love doesn't burn. What's worst part about making love to a dead baby. Digging up the coffin. How long does take to play hide and seek with a dead baby? It depends how small the pieces are.
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Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it's a nappy time.
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Why can't the train lady have a baby?
Because she's miss carriaged.
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How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?
nail the other hand to the floor.
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What is a surgeon's excuse for not wearing a condom?
Don't worry baby, I'm sterile.
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What screams, wails, and lights up?
A bus-load of babies on fire.
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What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?
Eventually the baby stops crying
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What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there's a ghost! Let's get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*
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What do a baby and a martini have in common?
I prefer both of them shaken
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What do you call it when you drown a baby in soda?
Infantacide
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How do blind doctors deliver babies?
With a can't c-section.
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Whatcha thinkin about?
Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.
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What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband?
Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
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What is the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
A trampoline doesn't look adorable in a sailor outfit
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How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life ?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
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What is the hardest part of cuting a baby in half with a straight razor?
My erection.
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How do you stop a baby from walking in circles?
Pin its other hand to the ground.
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What's worse than having 10 babies nailed to a tree?
One baby nailed to 10 trees...
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Why aren't there any 'Knock, Knock' jokes about America?
Cuz freedom rings, baby!
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What's up in the sky, oh so high?
A baby falling out of an airplane.
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What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
Egyptian dummies.
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What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?
Doesn't matter, still born.
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What kind of bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
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Why do women have babies?
Because it hurts and they deserve it
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Why didn't the ghost have any babies?
Because he had a Halloweenie! (Hollow-weenie)
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What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop an onion.
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Why was the baby Honeydew sad?
Because it was Meloncholic
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What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties. What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool? Floaties with a slashed baby.
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Why did the baby have such a poor time in the marathon?
He was running a little behind
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How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ?
Baby love my baby love.... !
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Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Montana?
They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin!
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How does a black woman know that she's pregnant?
The baby starts picking cotton off her tampons. (aaannnd i'll see myself out)
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How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
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What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?
Paula Ab-doula
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What's the difference between a baby and a tree?
Trees don't bleed when you cut their limbs off.
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How are you baby?
I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!
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What did the chicken say before laying an egg?
Yahoo. There goes my baby.
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What did the woman say while she was having a baby?
This could use some salt."
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Who's bigger?
Mr. Bigger Or Mr. Bigger's baby The baby, because it is a little Bigger.
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Whats 1+0?
Babies
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What's blue and orange & sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
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What is the mathematician's favorite pick-up line?
Hey baby, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?
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How's the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
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What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack?
The babies in my nutsack are still living.
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How do you explain a man birthing a baby?
Taco bell for lunch
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Whats do a baby and old people have in common?
They both get ditched in the park
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What did the Chili's waitress say about her kidnapped daughter?
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.
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How do Harry Potter fans flirt?
Hey baby, mind if I ? ;)
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Why did the baby drop its rattle?
It got hit by a truck
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Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?
They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.
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Whats the difference between a watermelon and a baby?
One is fun to smash with a sledgehammer and the other one is a watermelon
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What's the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A pizza doesn't scream when you break it in 8.
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What do you call a baby Muslim?
A hand grenade.
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What do you give an octomom for mother's day?
A spatula. Maybe she'll be more responsible making dinner than making babies.
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What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline
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What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies?
Obi-Gyn Kenobi.
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How does a baby Wookie get around?
Ewoks
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How are babies and strippers alike?
They're fun to play with but I wouldn't want to take one home
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What is black and knocking on the window from the inside?
A baby in the oven.
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Why can't pencils have babies?
Because they have rubbers on their end.
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Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?
And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
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What else did I forget?
WHERE IS MY BABY ! Wait, do I have one of those DO I HAVE A BABY !
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What did Eric Clapton do after he wrote Tears in Heaven?
Threw his baby out the window.
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What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?
The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.
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Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?
Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you She: Thanks for Thinking
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What's the difference between a baby and a submarine?
I've never been in a submarine.
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What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
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Why did the baby cross the road?
It didn't hit the car's windshield.
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic?
Hasta last vista, baby.
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Why can't witches have babies?
Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.
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How does the stork bring babies?
It pokes holes in condoms.
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What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler
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How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
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Why was Marc Antony still interested in Cleopatra even when she's just had a baby?
Because it was delivered via Ceasarion section
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Whose baby was it?
The elephant's!
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Why was the baby strawberry sad?
His mom was in a jam.
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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline
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Why don't witches have babies?
Because their men have hollow-weenies!
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What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decalfinated
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What do you call a baby from Dover?
Doverkiin.
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Whats the difference between a watermelon and baby?
One's really fun to smash with a sledge-hammer and the other is just a watermelon
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What do you call the crucified baby Jesus?
Baby on board.
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What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung
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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
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What were you before you came to school boys and girls?
asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"
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What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development?
Polaroid Integral Film and Babies
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When do you know that you are getting old?
When you have babies on purpose
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What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
About 500 calories.
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What did the mother snake say to her crying baby ?
Stop crying and viper your nose !
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What do a burnt pizza and a baby have in common?
Some idiot pulled it out to late
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What's the difference between a baby and baby Alien?
One bursts into tears. The other bursts out of tears
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What's the difference between a retard and a baby?
The baby has a soul.
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What's red and silver and bumps in to walls?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.
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How are babies like hinges?
They are things to adore
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What did the ceiling fan say?
YEEEEAAAAH! GO CEILING! YOU NUMBER ONE BABY! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!
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Why did the blonde have an Abortion?
She wasn't convinced the baby was hers.
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How long does it take To microwave a baby?
I'm too busy jerking of to watch a timer.
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What baby?
Oh, so you're not pregnant '
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What's the difference between a pitbull and a social worker?
You might get your baby back off a pitbull.
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How many feminists does it take to change a baby's diaper?
A: Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything. And besides, where would they find a baby!
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Who was that at the door?
Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "
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Who is a Project Manager?
Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.
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What kind of bird does not make babies?
A swallow
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Where do you buy a baby?
Hole Foods.
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What do you call a baby Matt Damon?
A new-Bourne
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What's the difference between a baby and an unwanted baby?
One's a rugrat, the other's a regret.
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Why can't ghosts make babies?
They have hollow weenies! .... And I'll just see myself out.
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What do you call a group of babies?
an Infantry
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What if my baby doesn't make ultra sounds?
What if it's just farting noises Is it graded on a curve
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How do you say goodbye to your pasta?
Pasta La Vista, baby!
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What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?
You can't unload sand with pitchforks.
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How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.
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When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
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Why won't Arnold Schwarzenegger upgrade to windows 10?
Because : he still loves vista,baby!
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What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave?
I don't know....I was too busy masterbating.
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Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!
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What did the flower couple call their two babies?
Poli, Nate
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Why was the baby elf sad?
Because he was Legolas
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What's big, thick, hairy, and makes babies?
Your mom.
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What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
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What's the difference between a baby and a kilo of Coke?
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo fall out of a window
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Which one was bigger?
The baby. It was a little Bigger.
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How do skeletons make a baby?
They bone
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What's the difference between the IRS and a baby?
It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.
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Why can't ghosts have babies?
They have hollow weenies!
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Why do babies cry when they're born?
Because it's the most painful day in their lives
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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?
A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!
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Why did the momma pepper tuck in her baby?
Because he was a little chili (Actually came up with this while making chili)
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What scratches the window before it explodes?
A baby in a microwave
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What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't cry when it takes a load.
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What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?
Recoil
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What's black and taps on the window?
A baby in the microwave :)
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Whats the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
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How do you take care of a baby?
Hire a hitman
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Why do you put a baby into a blender feet-first?
So you can see the look on its face. How do you get said baby out of the blender? Tortilla chips.
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What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?
The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
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Why do we have oceans?
Because based god and acid god had a baby.
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What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout
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Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
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Who do women produce milk for?
The baby and the dad.
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Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
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What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers ?
Infantry !
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What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
Pasta la vista, baby!
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How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
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How do you make cottage cheese?
You shake a baby.
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What do you call a really really big ant?
A GIANT! Now what do you call a baby ant an Infant! What do you call an ant thats into business A Merchant! please post more ant jokes if you know of any.
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What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ?
A cry for Alp !
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What do you call the teacher who lost her baby?
Miss Carriage
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What do you call a baby Mexican?
A paragraph because he's not quite an essay (ese)
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What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?
There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?
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What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?
Help! My pocket's been picked!
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Why was the baby in Africa crying?
It was having a mid-life crisis.
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What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower
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What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies?
You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork.
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How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.
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Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
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How are new marriages just like LOST?
The Significant Others just want babies.
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What is easier to load your van with bowling balls or screaming baby's?
Baby's because you can use a pitchfork
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?
OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.
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What do a baby and an Etch A Sketch have in common?
If you don't like it, you just shake it and start over.
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How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus?
It was a no brainer.
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What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.
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How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Babies don't have the motor skills or the depth perception to change a light bulb.
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What's blue, small and sits in a corner?
A baby with its hand in the power socket.
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What's pink and slowly turns red?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
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What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool?
What's blue, orange and lying at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with popped floaties.
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What do you call it when fish stop having babies?
Minnow-pause
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Why was the baby put in jail?
For resisting a rest. I'll take my coat
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Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies?
Their kids would be too lazy to steal.
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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I've never heard a baby say: "cigarettes,phone and keys alright let's go"
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How do you make a baby cry?
Drop it. How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.
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Why did the baby fall off the swing?
It had no arms.
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When you put a baby into a blender, why do you put her in legs first ?
A : So that you can see the expression on the face.........
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What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
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How many babies can fit in a blender?
Depends how powerful the blender is
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Why can't we edit tweets?
Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."
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Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
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How many babies does it take to make light?
99, 98 get in a pile while 1 grabs a match and lighter fluid.
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What do you call a baby in a concentration camp?
Baby Powder.
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What do you call a half-white and half-Hispanic baby?
A baby.
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What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?
You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...
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What's easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls or a truck of babies?
The babies of course, you can use a pitchfork!
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What did 6 say to 9?
Baby! Let's do a 69. Hahaha XD
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Why would I want to talk to your baby?
On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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What's the difference between a baby and a politician?
Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs?
It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Why can't a Stormtrooper have a baby?
Because they always miss.
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How do you put a baby to sleep?
You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.
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How do you get a baby into a shoebox?
A. With a blender. Q. How do you get a baby out of a shoebox? A. With a straw.
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What can we do to make it even scarier?
Put a toy for babies on its tail. YES
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Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby?
Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper
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Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can't carry the mother.
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What brings no babies?
The Swallow.
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What's more fun then swinging a baby on a clothes line?
Stopping it with a shovel.
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What's worse than finding a baby in a trashcan?
Finding a baby in two trashcans.
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What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is a watermelon.
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How do you get a baby in and out of a small bowl?
Use a blender to get it in, use tortilla chips to get it out!
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Whats easier than stealing candy from a baby?
Stealing candy from a dead baby.
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What do you get when you throw a baby against a wall?
An erection
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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What's worse than ten babies in one trash can?
One baby in ten trash cans.
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What's scarier then ten babies in one jar?
A: One baby in ten jars How do you got a baby in a container A: blend it.
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What do they do when the Queen has a baby?
Fire a 21 gun salute. What do they do when a nun has a baby Fire the dirty old Canon.
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How are babies different from feminists ?
Babies grow up and stop crying
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What happens when Keemstar and Ricegum have a baby?
He's born with Diss-lexia
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How high can you kick a baby?
It depends. Are you inside or outside?
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What is the hardest part of cutting a baby in half with a straight razor?
My erection.
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What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
Cot-on-wool.
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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket.
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Why don't witches ever have babies?
Because warlocks have hollow weenies!
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What does Snoop Dogg say to his baby?
Kushie kushie koo
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Why did you drop the baby?
Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.
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What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?
A baby in two dumpsters.
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How do Asians name their babies?
They throw a drawer of silverware down the stairs and name it whatever sound it makes.
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What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?
Eric Clapton would NEVER drop a bag of cocaine.
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What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies?
A swallow
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What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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What's your favorite song?
Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
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What's easier to load into a garbage truck? Bowling balls or babies?
Babies, because you can use a pitchfork.
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What do a baby and a pancake have in common?
If its black it aint good
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What do you get when you drop a baby into a wood chipper?
Well an erection of course.
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How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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Why is baby black?
Wife- You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!
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Where's the baby?
while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.
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What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday?
You have to love easter, baby." (OC)
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What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
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Why did Skrillex's girlfriend dump him?
Because he D-D-D-D-DROPPED THE BABY.
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Why is a baby like an diamond?
Because it's a dear little thing.
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Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
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Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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What do you call the babies born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
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Why do women love the smell of babies so much?
Because 50% of the taste is in the smell.
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What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?
Doesn't matter, they both taste the same.
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Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mother was in a jam.
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What's worse than two babies in a dumpster?
A baby in two dumpsters.
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How many babies does it take to stop a puck?
Ask Subban from the Hans to find out
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Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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What do you call a baby Cosmonaut?
Yuri Googoogagarin. I'll see myself out...
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What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?
He whale-d
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What is the difference between a baby and a stamp?
I don't have a stamp collection.
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What breaks when you give it to a baby?
Its hips.
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What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
De-calfinated!
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Why don't babies work?
Because they're all out of cervix
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How do mermaids have babies?
Sea-sections
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How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?
Pasta la vista, baby."
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What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other one is a watermelon.
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What's in your mom's tummy?
5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.
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Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?
A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
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What did the sperm say to the egg?
Nice to meet you. Wanna make a baby?
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How do Chinese people name their babies?
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.
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What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?
An erection and a place to put it.
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What is love?
Baby don't hurt me.
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Who was bigger, the baby or his mom?
The baby, because he's a little Bigger.
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Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?
A: Because 36 would be too many.
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Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby daughter?
The baby, because she's a little bigger.
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Why would you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can make dinner and get head at the same time.
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Why do babies cry so much?
YOU'RE MOM.
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What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby with razorblade. What's red and green and sits in a corner The same baby 3 weeks later.
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Where do baby apes sleep?
Apricots.
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How do babies get out of bellies?
ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO COVERED IN ICE CREAM: "How do babies get out of be---"
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Why shouldn't you put a baby in the microwave?
Because you get better results from slowly roasting it in the oven.
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What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?
One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish
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What do you call it when a baby tells you off?
A fedis.
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What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
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What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke?
Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.