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What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic?

A rebel without a gauze.

The Ultimate Dad Joke Book: 501 Hilarious Puns, Funny One Liners and Clean Cheesy Dad Jokes for Kids (Gifts for Dad)

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Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space ?

He wanted to find Pluto !

What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?

Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?

One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.

What did Santa Clause say when he came down Lindsay Lohan's chimney and found her spending Christmas Eve with her pals Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton?

A: Ho, ho, ho!

Where can you find a paraplegic man?

Right where you left him.

What did the blonde's dentist find?

A: Teeth in the cavity.

How many Super Sayains does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

What did the chemist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe

What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there?

A Labracadabrador

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How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

How do You find the worst joke of the internet?

You reddit.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?

Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

Where do Chinese people find work?

On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)

How do you find King Arthur in the dark?

With a knight light....

Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?

She was looking in Alderaan places.

What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate?

Ecru, Brute "

Why can't you find good quality clothing on the Iron Islands?

They do not sew

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How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool?

Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.

How do you find a dead body?

Download Pokemon GO.

What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?

A: Bronco-saurus!

Where did that offensive joke post go?

I'm pretty sure I saved it to make reference to eventually and now I cannot find it. There was some gold in there.

How do you find a blonde on reddit?

Look for the comments that just say "huh "

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus ?

On squid row !

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

In a cat-alogue!

Why haven't we found aliens yet ?

because they are searching for intelligent life too.

Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?

The game warden found out he poached his eggs!

The Best Worst Dad Jokes: All the Puns, Quips, and Wisecracks You Need to Torment Your Kids

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What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?

I must throw that doggie out the window !"!

What did Bernie Sanders say when he found a dead body at a Democratic Party meeting to select candidates and decide policy?

Oh god, a caucus!" cuz he has a new england accent

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

Where is the best place to find Eskimo Lesbians?

At the Klondike Bar.

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?

He found time-consuming.

How does Reddit feel about Civil War jokes?

Because personally, I General Lee don't find them funny

Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

How do you find an inconvenient proof?

With an Al-Gore-rithm

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

What's little, brown, and found in the woods?

Winnies' pooh.

What did the mods say when they found me giving Reddit gold to my alt account?

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Why do electricians make good mediators?

Because they're good at finding common ground.

Where would you find Percy Miller's toothbrush?

In his Master P room.

How did they break in?

Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it Me: They threw it through the window.

What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly?

An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.

Who will take the second shot in this pool game?

Find out after the break.

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?

A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

What's an easy way on /r/jokes to find feminism jokes?

Just look for ones that have a "JOKE:" disclaimer

How many feminists does it take to change a baby's diaper?

A: Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything. And besides, where would they find a baby!

How did the townsfolk find out the pigeons were plotting a revolution?

A: They heard them in the town square saying, "Coup, coup!"

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

What do you use to find Greek restaurants?

A gyroscope.

What do you find in an elephants graveyard ?

Elephantoms !

How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

What did the baker say after he found the dough he had lost?

That's just what I kneaded!

How's Skywalker?

Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him. Leia: And, now Han: Lukewarm. Leia: ... Han: Hehehe

Why couldn't the Chinese geologist find a date?

He was vehemently opposed to wrong rocks on the beach.

Why did the musician hate getting drunk?

He always had treble finding his keys!

Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't change it, they just take forever to find where to fit the batteries

What is a terrorists favourite food?

Anything Allah-cart. I found it funny. I was exploding with laughter.

What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

I can't bereave it!

Where would you find an elephant ?

Pupil:"You don't have to find them they're too big to lose !"

How do you find a girl with no legs?

Follow the slime trail.

Why are blondes bad a judging distance?

They have no idea what 12 inches actually looks like. I for some reason could not find a way to phrase this any better. Credit to my coworker.

Where will you never find a hipster fish?

The mainstream

Why does the Empire use Apple?

Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore?

There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Why did jesus not go to australia?

He couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad ?

It became a daddy short legs !

When your mom is mad at you and finds anything to throw at you https://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=75cA3xmssM

What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue?

OC Icy dead people!

How did the jury find the hamburger?

Grill-ty as charred!

Why men like to fishing so much?

They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

What did the guy say when he found out that his wife's breast s had implants?

THOSE ARE SILLY CONES"

What do you call it when guys find older women unusually attractive?

The Stunning-Cougar Effect.

What's your emer- DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN'T FIND IT DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW'D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME

What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?

Eski-moos!

How do you find Calvin Broadus Jr's darkest secrets?

You Snoop, Dogg.

How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?

Click here to find out the answer.(http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2b57xv/howdoyoukeepanidiotbusyforhours/)

Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed?

Son: I couldn't find a spider.

What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?

a LepreKHAAAAAAN!

How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

You will find out when the light comes on.

How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't change it, they just take forever to find where to fit the batteries

How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, as long as they can find a way in.

How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Click here to find out!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.

Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

What do you do on a remote island?

Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out

They couldn't find a table.

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