Quit Jokes

How do you get a Canadian to quit smoking cigarets?

You ask him politely.

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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing

Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

What does a retired Olympic sprinter have in common with Bernie Sanders?

He quit running.

Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

Quit being nosey.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

What happens when Turkeys get the common cold?

They quit smoking.

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

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Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR?

They told him he was good at deriving

How does a neckbeard neurologist address a Hispanic midwife who can't quit her job?

M'doula obligada.

Why did the pig quit running the the marathon?

He had a problem with his hamstring.

What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

Why did the geologist quit his job?

His boss always took him for granite.

What does an existentialist bully say?

Quit being yourself, quit being yourself!"

Why did the man quit his job at the bakery?

He didn't knead any more dough.

Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?

It was hard to make a living.

Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

He got crped out.

Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?

A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

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Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?

He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

He didn't like dealing with reservations.

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?

She was fed up with the hole business.

Why did the cyclops quit his job as a teacher?

He only had one pupil.

Why would I want to quit smoking?

Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking?

Vaporeon

Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics?

All that backstabbing was too much for him.

Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory?

Because she was fed up with the hole business.

Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling?

He wanted to hang with his family.

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How do you get people to quit smoking?

Cut off their lips

Why did the knife quit?

It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! Skip

Why did the bacteriologist quit her job?

She hated being microbe-managed.

Why did this adhesive strip quit his work?

He just couldn't tape it anymore..

What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games?

An ex-boxer.

Why did the doctor quit his job?

He ran out of patients.

Why did the tumblrina quit being a teacher?

It wasn't her job to educate people.

How did you lose your last job?

I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the metal worker at the recycling plant quit?

His job was soda-pressing

What did the momma hawk say to her chicks?

Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!

Why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb?

He really wasn't feeling up to it.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today."

What did the fast food employee do when he decided to quit?

He chicken tendered his resignation.

Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

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Tooth Jokes More Tooth Jokes

What's got no teeth and smells?

The gearbox in the wife's car...

What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth

Press Jokes More Press Jokes

Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?

Because he was soda-pressing

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.

What's the deal with my laptop?

I'm sitting there typing and the battery drains, does this ever happen to you? So this little message pops up: Plug in or find another power source. Do you get that message? What other power source are they talking about? Well, I can't find that cable, so I'll go ahead and plug in to the hamster wheel generator I keep just in case. That's my other power source.

Christmas Jokes More Christmas Jokes

What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common?

They both have Sandy Claws.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job Jokes More Job Jokes

Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

The Book of Job.

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?

She was fed up with the hole business.

Jedi Jokes More Jedi Jokes

What phone networks do Jedi's use?

Yodafone

Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

Why could Don Juan always pick up girls in his car?

It was electric. Also, the car had a set of hands.

Why do cannibals hate Pentecostals?

Because they're always throwing up their hands.

Run Jokes More Run Jokes

How can you tell the difference between a catholic, a baptist, and a Methodist?

A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.

What does the skeleton say when ganking bot lane?

BETTER TO RUN THAN CURSE THE ROAD