Find Jokes
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What did Darth Vader say to Admiral Motti after browsing his collection of George Michael records?
I find your lack of Faith disturbing."
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What did the electrical engineer do when she found out that she hadn't won the lottery?
She soldered on.
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Why is women's soccer so rare?
It's quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
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Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.
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Where can I find that "4 Out Of 5 People Get Money In Their Birthday Cards" Birthday Card?
I've been checking online with no luck, unless I'm checking the wrong place
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What did the chemist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
HeHe
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down
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Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
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How do you find white shirts on the Internet?
Use a starch engine.
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What do you call a dictatorship founded on the principles of Ethos, Logos & Pathos?
An Aristotalitarian Regime.
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How did the steak knife find himself after drunk driving?
In car, serrated
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What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?
Sleep in the wardrobe !
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What did Data find in Picard's gym sock?
The Next Generation
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What did Euler find in his toilet?
A natural log
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What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?
What's a movie?
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Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
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What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?
Well I'll be damned!
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What was the REAL reason Harambe was executed?
He found Hillary's emails
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What's the worst thing about a September harvest?
Finding a plane in your field.
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Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool?
Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.
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Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
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What do you find in an elephants graveyard ?
Elephantoms !
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How did Jennifer Aniston find her fiancee?
She looked very Theroux-ly.
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Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?
Not this guy!" -Thumb amputee victim
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What is the most annoying part of boiling vegetables?
Finding a pot big enough for the wheelchair.
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Why are people from Arkansas so good at Science?
Because they use the Theory of Relativity to find a partner.
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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?
Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!
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Why did the gamer cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
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What's worse than finding a lobster on your piano?
Finding crabs on your organ.
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How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods?
Very exciting
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Who's the wost president ever?
Guess we'll find out in January.
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Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.
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What's the best part about Dragon Ball Z?
Find out in the next episode of Dragon! Ball! Z!
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How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL ZEEEEE! (I really hope this isn't a repost)
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What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth ?
An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe !
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What's worse than finding a dead baby in the garbage can?
Finding a dead baby in the recycle bin.
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What's the difference between plants and black men?
Cells are found inside plants.
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Who is the hardest person to find in hide and seek?
Daniel Morcombe
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When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?
Because I couldn't find a fake car."
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Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?
To help them find missing sea men.
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What's worse than finding out that your wife has cancer?
Finding out it's curable.
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How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
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What did the baker say after he found the dough he had lost?
That's just what I kneaded!
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Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia?
Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state.
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Where did that offensive joke post go?
I'm pretty sure I saved it to make reference to eventually and now I cannot find it. There was some gold in there.
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What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup?
Yum Yum."
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What did the guy say when he found out that his wife's breast s had implants?
THOSE ARE SILLY CONES"
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What is green, sings and can be found in the fridge?
Elvis Parsley
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Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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Why didn't they tell Chris Christie they took his pony away?
He would've found it hard to digest.
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How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?
They just have a feel for that kind of thing.
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How do You find the worst joke of the internet?
You reddit.
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Why is that Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for?
Because he's always standing by The Edge.
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Why couldn't the Duke of Esterhzy find his music composer?
Because he was Haydn.
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Where would be a good place to find 25 million north korean jokes?
In north korea itself.
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Where do you usually find dogs?
It all depends on where you lose them.
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What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram?
Memory loss.
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How do u find an old man in the dark?
Its not that hard
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Why couldn't Bing start a fire?
No matches founds
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What do you find on a beach?
A tangent.
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Why do people find Anne Frank so attractive?
Because she is smoking hot
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Where do you find red eyed rodents?
Hamsterdam!
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What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
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What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer?
Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!"
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What form of humor do Dentists find most offensive?
Plaqueface
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How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, as long as they can find a way in.
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What did the white guy say when he found out his sister got knocked up by her black boyfriend?
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
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How did they know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders on the beach
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Where do you go if you want to find a very funny joke?
Apparently, not here
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What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long has a head on it and that women love so much that they often blow it?
A: a $20 bill
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Why was it so easy to find the buried communist treasure after the Cold War?
Because X Marx the spot.
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What did the chemist say when hr found 2 isotopes of helium?
HeHe
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Why didn't the cow go on to greener pastures?
She couldn't find any mooovers.
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What does Fozzie the Bear do when he can't find a ride?
Walk-a Walk-a
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What did Haley Joel Osment find at the top of Mt. Everest?
Icy Dead People
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What would Burger Kings slogan be if Jesus founded it?
Have it Yahweh
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Who took my username?
When I find you, well, you'll be sorry!
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Why are you so upset?
It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
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What did the slaughterhouse foreman say when he found out his best butcher had his heart, lungs and kidneys ripped out in a cutter accident?
That's offal
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What do you call a wolf you cant find?
A where wolf.
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What did Jupiter say to Saturn when he found out Saturn was pregnant?
Did you planet?
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What did Watson and Crick study to find DNA?
Rosalind Franklin's notes.
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What's the key to finding love?
Rohypnol
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How do you find an alive baby in a pile of dead babies?
With a pitchfork!
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What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?
The Captain's Log.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine "
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How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD
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How does Sean Connery find his way to the toilet?
With a shat nav.
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What kind of root is only easy to find on paper?
A square one.*
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What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother?
I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
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What STD is found most commonly among lesbians?
Carpet burn
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What's an easy way on /r/jokes to find feminism jokes?
Just look for ones that have a "JOKE:" disclaimer
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What do pirates say when they find buried treasure?
Thanks for the gold!
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How do we confirm life on another planet?
If you find a rare Pepe drawn the disk.
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Why do girls like me more when i'm preparing potatoes?
Because they find me more appealing.
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What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue?
OC Icy dead people!
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Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed?
Son: I couldn't find a spider.
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Where did people find out that Pluto was no longer a planet?
The orbituaries.
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How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
A: Pretty hot
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What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing?
That's not my stile.
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What do you do meet an old friend?
What do you do when someone throws a ball What do you put on a hamburger What do you find in a litter box
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Knock Knock. Who's there? Beaver E! Beaver E who?
Beaver E quiet and nobody will find us!
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Where do you find a one legged cow?
Where ever you left it.
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Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?
Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.
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Where would you find an elephant ?
Pupil:"You don't have to find them they're too big to lose !"
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Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables?
In an American nursing home.
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How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette?
Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
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What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!
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What do you find inside a clean nose?
Fingerprints
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What did Spock find in the Enterprises's toilet?
The captain's log!
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What does IDK mean?
I've yet to find someone who knows.
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What time zone are you in when you find a sheep stuck in a fence?
Mountin' time
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How do you confuse a blind person?
Put them in a circular room and tell them to find the corner
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How do we know Paul Walker had dandruff?
We found his Heads & Shoulders in the glove box.
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Why did the boy peek down the toilet bowl?
He was trying to find Winnie the Pooh.
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What did the farmer say when he found dynamite in one of his cows?
This is a bomb in a bull.
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What did water say when it found out hydrogen is a diatomic?
H2 Oh!
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What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind...?
At least I'm not black"
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What's the address here?
The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.
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Why are Women like buses?
You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.
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What time of day are you not able to find your watch?
4:04
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Why are furries always found guilty at trial?
A furry curries only fury from a jury.
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Why couldn't the Duke of Esterhazy find his music composer?
Because he was Haydn.
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What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?
You have diafetus
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Why is it hard for Arab men to have a guy's night out?
They have to find babysitters for their wives.
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What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?
One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
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How does Reddit feel about Civil War jokes?
Because personally, I General Lee don't find them funny
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What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out
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What's the funniest thing you can find in a closet?
Robin Williams
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What do you call a dictatorship founded on the principles of Ethos, Logos & Pathos?
An Aristotalitarian Regime.
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What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The Captains log
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What did Mustafa's dad say after he founded Turkey?
attaturk.
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What do you find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
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What musical instrument can be found in nearly every Bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
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How many Super Sayains does it take to change a light bulb?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
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Why can't the incredible hulk find a girlfriend?
Because all the girls know he just wants to smash
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Why do Chinese tourists get disappointed when they visit America?
Because when they buy souvenirs they find out they were made in China.
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How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?
It's not hard...
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Where do you find a man with an aquatic mammal fetish?
In Wales.
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Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
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What Pokmon can you find at Auschwitz?
Gastly
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What causes German Earthquakes?
Teutonic Plates. I'm sorry I'll find my own way out
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How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it
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Where in the supermarket would you find the Dalai Lama?
Eggs-aisle.
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What's the stupidest animal you can find in a jungle?
A polar bear.
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Why doesn't cancer let anyone in a music store?
It doesn't want anyone to find The Cure.
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Why did the plant use a dating service?
To find its stomate!
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What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub?
Add your laundry.
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Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?
The game warden found out he poached his eggs!
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What did Darth Vader say to the vegetarian stormtrooper?
I find your lack of steak disturbing."
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Why did Pete Carroll find Marshawn Lynch in a tree?
I'm just here so I don't get find."
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When you gonna be famous?
I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
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Who did the crocodiles call when they found one of their own dead?
The investiGATOR
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How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!
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What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other unemployed cancer cell?
Let's get Jobs. Found in the comments of a post by
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Why is a banana the most attractive fruit?
Everyone finds it a-peeling.
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Why was the Boy having trouble finding power in the Cul-de-sac?
There was no outlet
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Why do you never find elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
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How did Christopher Columbus find India?
He used Apple Maps.
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How do you find out that a cricket hears with its legs?
First, you put the cricket on a box, tap the box, and you see that the cricket jumps away. Now, you cut his legs off, put him on a box, tap the box, and you'll see that the cricket does not jump away.
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Where can you find a paraplegic man?
Right where you left him.
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How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
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How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it?
A: Play the piano until you find the right key.
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What happens when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
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What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy?
Abort mission!
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What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?
A: Bronco-saurus!
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What will you find in the toilet of a ship?
The captains log.
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How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, as long as they can find a way in.
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Where can you find the speed of light?
At C level
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Where will you find the best jokes?
Not on /r/jokes
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What do you find up a clean nose?
Finger-prints.
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What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?
M'rauders Map
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Why do the poles shift?
to find better jobs
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How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't change it, they just take forever to find where to fit the batteries
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Where would you find an algebraic Sailors hat?
Indice
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What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?
My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!
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What did Santa Clause say when he came down Lindsay Lohan's chimney and found her spending Christmas Eve with her pals Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton?
A: Ho, ho, ho!
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Why did the Teletubbies find it hard to pee?
They only have one Tinkie-Winkie
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Where do you find a zebra?
25 letters after a, brah.
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Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?
He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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Why did the Raisin take a Prune to the Prom?
Because he couldn't find a Date!
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Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space ?
He wanted to find Pluto !
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What's the darkest joke you know?
I've always been a fan or dark humor, so, what's the darkest joke you know. no boundaries, no getting offended. please don't downvote anyone because you find it offensive, that's life, get over it.
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Why has the Malaysian Government banned Cheese Boards?
Because people keep reporting they've found de brie.
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Why doesn't UGA ever have a nativity scene at Christmas?
Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
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What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus?
This is my body, I'm nice with jam."
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What do you use to find Greek restaurants?
A gyroscope.
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Where can you always find money?
In the dictionary.
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How do you find Calvin Broadus Jr's darkest secrets?
You Snoop, Dogg.
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Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
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What is something you can use to find the pH of tree sap?
A log!
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Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
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What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs?
The hypotenuse.
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How did the rednecks find their sister?
Pretty good.
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How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?
Very satisfying.
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How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
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Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?
She was looking in Alderaan places.
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What do you call one of Santa's helpers who bosses around the reindeer?
When he found out, Santa shouldn't have gotten mad, he only had his elf to blame. Now Santa won't forgive him until elf freezes over.
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Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
To find a tight seal
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Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts?
He found his lack of Faith disturbing.
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What do you call soup that you've found a hair in?
Rabbit Soup :D
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What's the difference between drunk people and black people?
Drunk people are found bars. Black people are found them.
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What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
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How did Bill Cosby find his daughter in the woods?
A: Pretty good
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What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?
Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.
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What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?
The Philosophers Stoned
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What's good for the soul and rarely found in America?
A sense of humor.
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Why is womens soccer so rare?
Why is womens soccer so rare? Its quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
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How do you find out if a dead man has autism?
You give them an autopsy
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Where are most fish found ?
Between the head and the tail !
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How do you find the pilot at a party?
He'll tell you.
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What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
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Why couldn't Mozart find his mentor?
Because he was Haydn
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How hard is it to find cigarettes?
Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.
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How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime?
He solved for y! Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy
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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.
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What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?
amaized.
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What's little, brown, and found in the woods?
Winnies' pooh.
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What's worse than finding a sack of spider eggs in your room?
Finding a sack of hatched spider eggs in your room
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What do you find in an alley that has holes in it?
M-my parents " "No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."
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What did Hermoine say when she found out she's pregnant?
Fetus Abortus!
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How did you find your steak sir?
Customer: Oh I just moved the potatoes and there it was!
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What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting?
They admit de feet.
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What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?
Finding half of a roach in your food.
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Why does the Empire use Apple?
Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for
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Why did the walrus go to the container store?
To find a tight seal.
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What is the best spanish joke you've ever heard?
I couldnt find the spanish section of reddit
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What is commonly found in cells?
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
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What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach?
A dead one...
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Who's there? Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball Z Who?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z
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What did Wonder Woman tell The Flash when he saw that he was greying?
I still find you dashing"
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What did the busy tailor say to the Scarecrow who needed some mending?
I can't find the twine.
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How's Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him. Leia: And, now Han: Lukewarm. Leia: ... Han: Hehehe
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What do you find in a pumpkins pants?
A Halloweenie!
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Where can you find the best Black Friday deals with items at 100% off?
Ferguson!
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How do you keep an Idiot occupied?
Click here to find out( http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1v1wqm/howdoyoukeepanidiotoccupied/)
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Why did the raisin take the prune to the new year's ball?
Because he couldn't find a date!
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Why was the women unable to leave the boutique?
She couldn't find the Dior
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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
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Why did it take so long to find the bodies of the black firefighters after the building they were in caught fire and collapsed?
Cause the building collapsed, duh.
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What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
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What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house ?
The Lizard of Oz !
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How do you find a drug dealer donkey?
Just follow his coke mules.
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How do you find a vegan at your dinner party?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
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Where do you find the Bible in a library?
Fiction".
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What did the chemist say when he found out his two pet dogs died?
Barium
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Why didn't the monk sell his temple?
Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:
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What's the best way to find out if you have ticklish balls?
Test Tickles
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Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?
His wife didn't know any decent crackers.
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Why are test tube manufacturers always single?
People just seem to find them vial!
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How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.
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How do you make a hamburger green?
Find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one!
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Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
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What two places can you find a California roll?
Sushi bars and stop signs. Source: am southern Oregonian lots of bad Cali drivers here
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What's worse than finding Astroglide on your Mom's shopping list?
Finding an empty bottle in the trash.
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What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise?
The captain's log.
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What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?
He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.
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Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?
I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)
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What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?
Goes to a retail store to find another one.
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What can be found in a cannibal's shower?
head & shoulders
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How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?
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How can you find out the gender of an ant?
Throw it in the water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant
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Why are all the archaeologists single?
Because they cant find dates
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What do you say when you find two banana peels together?
Answer: A pair of slipper
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How did the jury find the hamburger?
Grill-ty as charred!
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Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore?
There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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Why can't you find an Abbey National at the North Pole?
Because Santa dere.
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Why did The Walrus go to a Tupperware party?
He wanted to find a tight seal.
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What did the sphinx say?
What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme Egypt me!
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How did the townsfolk find out the pigeons were plotting a revolution?
A: They heard them in the town square saying, "Coup, coup!"
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What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride?
An I-shoulda-pede.
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What's the shortest way to the front page?
Up vote to find out.
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What is a terrorists favourite food?
Anything Allah-cart. I found it funny. I was exploding with laughter.
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Where the most likely place to find a crack whore?
Between a rock and a hard place.
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What kind of underwear does John Grisham use?
Pelican Briefs I'll go find a bridge
-
Which chemical compound are you most likely to find at a frat party?
Hydrogen mide.
-
What's the difference between a pirate and a necrophiliac?
I'm not sure, but they both go out with shovels to find the booty.
-
How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Click here to find out!
-
Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?
Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either.
-
What are your symptoms?
I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!"
-
What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?
He found time-consuming.
-
Why is revenge a dish best served with honey?
Because honey is what you find at the end of bee trails (betrayals)
-
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
-
How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it Me: They threw it through the window.
-
What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission?
He Apollo-gized.
-
What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow?
A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night !
-
What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag?
Finding shoes to go with it.
-
How do you find where a flea has bitten you ?
Start from scratch !
-
What would she do for $20?
Wasn't there a joke before posted about asking what a girl would do for $20 or something A dirty joke I'm trying to find it but I can't....
-
Why did Goku cross the road?
Find out next time on Dragonball Z!
-
What makes fish smell?
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."
-
What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough?
Mmm. Canapes."
-
Why can a number divided by zero never be found in the dictionary?
Because it's undefined.
-
How do you find out what gender a stray cat is?
Carefully
-
Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?
I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
-
What do you call an oyster who can't find another job?
A clamboni driver!
-
Why Looking So Crabby This Morning?
I Just Found Out I Have Cancer...
-
Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?
Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.
-
Why did the storm trooper decide to buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn't find the right droid he was looking for.
-
What kind of socks do you find in your backyard?
Garden hose.
-
How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
-
Why is paper money more valuable than coins?
When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases. -
-
How do you find a British person in a crowd?
1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.
-
Why did the storm trooper get an iPhone?
He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for
-
What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?
HeHe
-
Why did the seal make a Tinder account?
To find a Significant Otter.
-
Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN?
To find out the latest on gum control legislation.
-
What are your best racist jokes?
I find racist jokes to be the funniest! Share your best racist jokes here, but please stay respectful ;)
-
How did the blind priest find the choir boys?
Satisfying.
-
What did the mods say when they found me giving Reddit gold to my alt account?
He who smelt it, dealt it.
-
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his car?
Carlos
-
What element can you find in almost any shoe store?
Heelium! I'll see myself out now...
-
Where can you find a mormon horse?
Salt Lick City.
-
Why have they not found Mozart's body yet?
Because he is Haydn.
-
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.
-
What happens when i find a good joke?
I reddit.
-
Why did the Naval Inspector fail the submarine?
Because he found it to be SUB-standard.
-
Why couldn't the FBI find Sepp Blatter's bribe money?
He used it all to bribe Canada to host the Women's World Cup.
-
How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle?
A: UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!
-
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he's finished.
-
What's the difference between Tinder and the PokemonGo app?
Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.
-
What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas?
When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
-
What's the deal with my laptop?
I'm sitting there typing and the battery drains, does this ever happen to you? So this little message pops up: Plug in or find another power source. Do you get that message? What other power source are they talking about? Well, I can't find that cable, so I'll go ahead and plug in to the hamster wheel generator I keep just in case. That's my other power source.
-
What's worse than finding your dad's fleshlight?
Finding his blacklight.
-
What do you call an element found in the ground?
Barium.
-
Why is the KKK a good place to find a job?
Cos they'll always hook a brutha up
-
How did you find the fleas?
Beagle: I didn't! They found me!
-
Why haven't we found aliens yet ?
because they are searching for intelligent life too.
-
Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?
Sooner or later they find a potent cousin.
-
Where do you find an old Onion article?
In thier archives.
-
How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
Two. One to launch it one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
-
Why couldn't people find Joseph?
He was Haydn!
-
How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
-
What 3 candies do you find in school?
Redhots, DumDums, and smarties.
-
Why was the lobster upset?
Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!
-
What did Spock find in the toilet?
Captain's log.
-
How are a hobo and a balloon alike?
Both are without visible means of support. (My son found that in a children's joke book)
-
Why men like to fishing so much?
They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
-
What drink did the Karate Master order?
Wa-tah! Haha. I'll leave now... (Sorry if already posted. I searched a little bit but found nothing.)
-
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
-
Why is everyone in an Internet cafe hungry?
Server Not Found.
-
What do you find in a cloud's shorts?
Thunderpants!
-
How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette
-
What is the best way to find out if someone is ticklish?
Use your test tickles
-
Why didn't Gordon Ramsay like the Girl Scout cream pies?
He found a hair in one.
-
What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
A: She went looking for the three guys.
-
What is round, heavy, has 3 holes, and is often found in a gutter?
My ex wife.
-
How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Find out next time, on Dragonball Z!!!
-
Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut?
So he can find router space.
-
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?
I must throw that doggie out the window !"!
-
Why couldn't the t-rex find a mate?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction.
-
What do you do on a remote island?
Try and find the TV island it belongs to.
-
What did the librarian say to the travel agent?
Find what you're booking for
-
What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm?
Organised crime.
-
Why do you take baths in milk?
I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
-
What U.S. state was founded by Muslims?
Allah-bama
-
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
-
How did Djengis Khan found Mongolia?
One steppe at a time.
-
How do you find the fastest man in Africa?
Roll a penny down a hill.
-
Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?
Ubisoft
-
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
-
What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano?
Finding a diseased beaver on your organ.
-
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
-
Where will you never find a hipster fish?
The mainstream
-
What do you call a Psychic Compromise?
A Happy Medium. Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing.
-
What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends?
A homie missile.
-
Why did the agnostic chicken cross the road?
There wasn't enough evidence to find out for sure.
-
Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?
The Book of Job.
-
Why couldn't Beethoven find his music teacher?
He was Haydn
-
Who's the artist you find in the supermarket?
Salvador Deli
-
Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?
To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.
-
Why couldn't they find the cheesemaker after the accident?
He was trapped under da-Brie!
-
Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck?
Because he put in a little extra clovertime.
-
Why could the crab not find a pair of shoes in his size?
Child labor laws forced all the shoe factories to shut down.
-
Where do you find 60 million french jokes?
A: In France.
-
Why are blondes bad a judging distance?
They have no idea what 12 inches actually looks like. I for some reason could not find a way to phrase this any better. Credit to my coworker.
-
How are relationships like algebra?
You look at your X and try to find out Y
-
Where do chicken strips find love?
Chicken tinder Thank you, to Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen's official Instagram for this gem
-
Why do white people hate being called crackers?
Because they find it insaltine.
-
What did the blonde's dentist find?
A: Teeth in the cavity.
-
Why do electricians make good mediators?
Because they're good at finding common ground.
-
Why did Waldo go to therapy?
to find himself.
-
Where will you find the most powerful man in Los Angeles?
Watts.
-
How do you find a dirty cop?
Call 911, it doesn't matter who answers
-
How can you find a fag in a newspaper?
It's not hard.
-
What did the scientists say when they found bones on the moon?
the cow didn't make it.
-
How are beer nuts like deer nuts?
You can find a small bag of each under a buck.
-
Where can you find Scandinavia?
Right next to Printdinavia and Copydinavia.
-
Why can't blondes finish software updates?
They can never find the "any" key.
-
How do you find an inconvenient proof?
With an Al-Gore-rithm
-
Why did the janitor file for a divorce?
He found his wife sweeping with someone else.
-
How do you find anything in here?
my mugger, giving my purse back
-
What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there?
A Labracadabrador
-
What can be found in a Judge's freezer?
Just ice.
-
How do you pick out the Christian Terrorist out of a crowd?
Find the guy wearing a rebel flag.
-
What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes?
You don't get a lollipop afterwards :/
-
Where can you always find kids by themselves?
edit: i forgot to say please.
-
How do you know Kurt Cobain didn't have dandruff?
A bit of his head and shoulders were found behind the couch.
-
Which dinosaur was the hardest to find?
the Steganosaurus! And do you know why ...because it was encryptid!
-
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
-
Why can't a nihilist use a pencil?
because they cant find the point.
-
How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head & Shoulders under the steering wheel!
-
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find their mom?
Because she is Trans-parent! (Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)
-
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
-
Why did the pirate date the mermaid?
He thought finding X in her algebra would lead to booty.
-
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
-
Where did all the TV remotes go when you can't find them?
To a remote island...
-
What is a crack head's favourite song?
Q: What is a crack head's favourite song A: I wanna rock!!! Well I found it funny anyway..
-
Why couldn't the scientist find salt for his breakfast?
Because it was Na HA! Get it? Because Na=sodium and N/A=not available. Seriously, this is good clean fun.
-
What kind of fish can you find in a hospital?
A sturgeon.
-
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He Tractor.
-
How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
-
What Pokemon can you find at Auschwitz?
Gastly
-
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
-
Where do you find a liberal at a convention?
In the far left corner!
-
What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly?
An insect that can find its way around a dark closet.
-
When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?
the second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."
-
What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moon mission?
A: He Apollo-gized.
-
Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop?
She was trying to find the lowest prices
-
When your mom is mad at you and finds anything to throw at you https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=75cA3xmssM
-
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find her?
Because she's Transparent.
-
What's worse than finding hair in your food?
Finding out the chef is bald.
-
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
-
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his vehicle?
Carlos.
-
What do you find with 4 Catholics?
A fifth.
-
What did Pythagoras say about the pyramid scheme?
He just couldn't find the guys angle!
-
What do gamers who switch consoles and mathematicians have in common?
They both have problems finding x.
-
What do you find in cells?
My Ans) Black People . . . I dont know why do they ask such weird questions in biology.
-
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
-
What is most commonly found in cells?
Apparently "black people" was not the right answer
-
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation
-
Why couldn't C.P.E. Bach find his contemporary?
He was Haydn.
-
How does a sheep farmer find a sheep on top of the mountain ?
Acceptable
-
Where would you find the emo kid at his birthday party?
Just *hanging* out by himself in the bedroom
-
What's black and found at the top of a stair case?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
-
Why is it so hard to find Thor's brother?
Because he stays low key
-
How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?
Very Satisfying.
-
Where is the best place to find Eskimo Lesbians?
At the Klondike Bar.
-
Who is that walking up my driveway?
Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."
-
What are the odds I could find the sum of numbers from 1-100?
I'd say it's fifty fifty
-
Why was the G-Spot Club not making profit in the nightclub business?
Most men couldn't find it.
-
Why do telescopes like the Moon so much?
Because they find him very down to earth.
-
What's 41 times 11?
I can't find the answer anywhere.
-
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
-
How many babies does it take to stop a puck?
Ask Subban from the Hans to find out
-
Why did the strawberry take the fig to the movies?
Because he couldn't find a date!
-
Where would you find Percy Miller's toothbrush?
In his Master P room.
-
How many governments does it take to make an Egyptian happy?
I'll let you know when I find out...
-
What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?
Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end
-
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't change it, they just take forever to find where to fit the batteries
-
What did Fred from 'Scooby Doo' say when Mystery Inc. finally found a mystery that was too scary for them to solve?
2scooby4doo
-
Why didn't the blond call 911?
She couldn't find the 11 on the dial pad.
-
Which web developer enjoys finding bugs?
A spider!
-
How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?
Like what if you find a penny
-
How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?
He had her.
-
Why doesn't Bono like Google?
He still hasn't found what he's looking for.
-
Which Movie Character Are You?
quizzes and found out I'm the plastic bag from American Beauty.
-
Why couldn't the Chinese geologist find a date?
He was vehemently opposed to wrong rocks on the beach.
-
What do you get if you cross Snoop Dogg with a hippo?
A smokesalottapotamus.
-
Why did the walrus go to the tuppeware party?
To find a tight seal.. Badum tsst
-
What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?
A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.
-
What can you find on neckbeard bread?
M'old.
-
What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic?
A rebel without a gauze.
-
Where is the best place to find hot grills?
A barbecue
-
Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe?
Because the servers cannot be found
-
Why did the circus animals go on strike?
The elephants found out that they were being paid peanuts compared to the rest of the troupe and the ringleader was taking the lions share.
-
How do you find a naked man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
-
Why do vultures find it easy to fly?
They only ever have carrion baggage.
-
What do boys and algebra have in common?
They are both trying to find their X and they don't know Y.
-
Why don't nice people ride the train?
Because they're usually found on trucks.
-
Why didn't the leopard go on vacation?
It couldn't find the right spot.
-
How did the farmer find his girlfriend?
He tractor!
-
What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
-
Why did you leave me here all alone?
Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.
-
What birds are found in Portugal ?
Portu-geese !
-
Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn't find the recipe.
-
Why does everyone find the absolute value of zero so funny?
l0l
-
What's the difference between awkward and awful?
Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
-
What Color Is It?
In case you hadn't noticed, the color of the wind is 'blew.' Water always looks 'wet' to me. Dirt is oviously 'dirty.' Soup seems 'soupy.' If you can't find those Crayons in your box, contact CRAYOLA.
-
How do Asians find our they are pregnant?
They send a rubix cube up to see if it gets solved.
-
Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system?
Because he found mercury in it.
-
Why can't Thor play the piano or hide n seek with his brother?
He can never find the Loki.
-
How do you find a dead body?
Download Pokemon GO.
-
How do you find a blind man in a nudist camp?
It's not hard.
-
How many feminists does it take to change a baby's diaper?
A: Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything. And besides, where would they find a baby!
-
Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal?
He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.
-
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out the answer.(http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2b57xv/howdoyoukeepanidiotbusyforhours/)
-
What did the rapper say when he couldn't find his pants?
Where my knickers at "
-
Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
-
Why did the Red sea not find a good husband?
because she was too shallow.
-
What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?
Finding a condom in your hole!
-
Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?
Why do we have to do all the work
-
How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.
-
What is the name of the flower you find between your nose and your chin?
A: Tulips.
-
What's a mostly red rainbow called?
A pride flag found at Orlando.
-
What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad ?
It became a daddy short legs !
-
Who was the hide-and-seek champion of 2005?
Nobody knows, they haven't found him yet.
-
What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.?
Call Baltimore, M.D.
-
Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
-
Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert?
They found traces of Mercury in him.
-
When finding out he was into beastiality, what did Robocop say to Schrodinger's cat?
Dead or alive, you're coming with me
-
What do you call a web developer who enjoys finding bugs in the system?
A spider
-
How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?
By thinking outside the box
-
Who will take the second shot in this pool game?
Find out after the break.
-
What kind of bone do you find in a dinosaur steak?
A T-Bone!!!!
-
What did Drake Bell say to Batman?
Sorry, still calling you Bruce! I found this on Facebook somewhere; I dunno who to get credit to.
-
Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?
A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.
-
What's the difference between bacteria and rednecks?
When looking at bacteria you can actually find some culture.
-
What do you think about the coming battle General?
God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.
-
What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?
He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."
-
What can't I find on the internet?
My keys
-
How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish. I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this
-
How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life?
He found a lump on his testicle.
-
How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?
One testtickle
-
Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?
All of those guys already have boyfriends.
-
Why did the feminist get triggered?
The police found it easier than arresting her.
-
Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because X was always 10
-
How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood?
His hand caught fire.
-
Where did they go?
Who took them Why aren't we helping to find them
-
What do you call it when you are looking for your Subaru Forrester in a parking garage?
Finding Forrester
-
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light-bulb?
It's not >9000) FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGGGGON BAAAAL ZEEEEEEEEE
-
What's the best part of a boxer's joke?
The punch line Found in BL magazine
-
What do you usually find with four Catholics?
A fifth.
-
How'd you find out?
G:"I'm on both."
-
Why did the musician hate getting drunk?
He always had treble finding his keys!
-
Why are eagles so hard to find?
They're always in diskies
-
What did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?
The Captain's Log.
-
Why won't you find any gondolas in the Eternal City?
Because Rome wasn't built in a bay.
-
Where can you find Jhene Aiko at Bed Peace?
At bed, blunt, and beyond. Bada tssss. I tried.
-
Where do you find monster snails?
On the end of monsters fingers.
-
How did you find the steak, sir?
The man looks at her and says "I just moved the potatoes."
-
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
-
Where's Wally?
book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.
-
What is the difference between complete and finished?
If you find the right woman, you're complete.
-
Why do fire departments have dalmatians?
To help the firemen find the hydrants
-
Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?
He found his pair a' dice!
-
Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?
She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.
-
Which snakes are found on cars?
Windscreen vipers.
-
What is the worst way to find out you just came into money?
via sticky notes
-
Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they find the momentum, they can't find the position.
-
What's the hardest thing about finding a dead baby on the beach?
Hiding the erection.
-
How do you find Ronald McDonald on a naked beach?
His sesame seed buns!
-
What Happened when Feminist's found out about Reddit?
Well they deleted
-
Why do blondes have more fun?
They're easier to find in the dark.
-
3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out
They couldn't find a table.
-
What did a police officer write in the criminal report, when they found a homey from the bottom of a lake, wrapped in 200 kg's of metal chains?
Offender stole more than he could carry by swimming
-
What did they find floating in the toilet of the S.S Enterprise?
Captains Log
-
Where would you find an Egyptian psychopathic swimmer?
In denial.
-
Why, what happened, officer?
He wasn't white and that wasn't right, we found he was black, and that was whack, so we shot him in the back.
-
Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse?
In the foliage.
-
What do you find at an end of the rainbow?
Violet
-
What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom?
The Captain's Log.
-
What did justin beiber say to his mom?
I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers
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What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate?
Ecru, Brute "
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Where can you find lubricant in the library?
In the non-friction section.
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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?
How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)
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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
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How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff?
Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet.
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How do you find a velociraptor?
By taking the integral of the acceleraptor!
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Why don't cows drink milk?
because they lactose I don't know why I found this so funny! ready for the down vote to begin 3
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What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?
Cod dam
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What repulsive awful thing can be found in a black persons clothes?
The black person.
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Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
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What did Waldo say at the Superbowl?
I'm just here so I won't get find.
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Who says there's no life on Mars?
Why only today they found a Beagle!
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What do you find in a rythmic bakery?
A-bun-dance
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Why does a redneck find his cousin more attractive than a stranger?
Because it's all relative.
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What's worse than getting AIDs?
Having to find out that your dog has AIDs too.
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What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
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Why cant orphans play baseball?
They cant find their home
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Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?
They don't find them Hume-erous.
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What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?
Me neither. Help.
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Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery?
Currant Affairs
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What happened to German Orphans after WW2?
Did they ever get back on the Reich track (I saw the post in /r/history earlier and was disappointed to find it was a serious question. I fixed it.)
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Where can you find alcoholic sheep?
At the BAAAAH
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How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?
Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
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When can you operate?
lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium?
HeHe
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What's worse than finding a baby in a trashcan?
Finding a baby in two trashcans.
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How do you find an old man in the dark?
It isn't hard.
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Where did the coffee bean find his soul mate?
Grinder (Thanks, Ellen)
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Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas!
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How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
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What were you doing?
flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."
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What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?
I can't bereave it!
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What do you call a fake psychic who was found out and now shoots up in ditches?
A high medium low
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How do you make Polish sausage ?
First you gotta find a retarded pig...
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What did one computer say to the other?
Error 404 joke not found.
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How do u tell the population of a small native village?
throw a bunch of pocket change in the middle of town. How do u tell who is the richest person in that village? Find the person who gathered the most change.
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Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?
They all live in Arkansas
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Where is the best place to find discounted ray bans?
gt marked as spam
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What if you go missing?
How do you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on Facebook.
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Why did the bad demon burn after finding the length it took to rise diagonally from hell?
cos' sin tans
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Why did the oven go back to University?
To get another degree. My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.
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What do you call someone who can't find a job?
A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.
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Why did the clown cross the road?
A: To find his rubber chicken.
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What did Sloth say when he found gold?
AU GUYS!!!
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How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
You will find out when the light comes on.
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What would you find on a German fire truck?
Ladder-hosen
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When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?
Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.
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What is a Mathematician's favorite thing to drink?
Root beer. (tbh: found on a Laffy taffy wrapper)
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What does Mrs. pancake say when you compliment her on her weight?
Thank you, I'm flattened! I made this joke up on my drive home and am very proud of it. You monkeys better find it funny!
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How do you find Illuminati's secret hideout?
You triangulate their position!
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What do monks, rabbis, and Mormon priests have in common with brains?
The all tend to be found enclosed within temples.
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How can you find the blind guy at a nudist colony?
It's not hard
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What kind of cereal do you find in a haunted house?
Cinnamon Ghost Crunch
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What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!
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How do you find the PC user in the coffee shop?
Follow the power cord.
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How do you find the blind guy at a nudist colony?
It ain't hard.
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What did Bernie Sanders say when he found a dead body at a Democratic Party meeting to select candidates and decide policy?
Oh god, a caucus!" cuz he has a new england accent
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How do we know that Jesus wasn't born in Mexico?
Because he'd never have been able to find 3 wise men and a virgin.
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How many buzzfeed employees does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Click here to find out!
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Where can you find tetraplegics?
Where you left them.
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What do you call an egocentric strain of bacteria found in a Chipotle burrito?
ME-coli
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Why did jesus not go to australia?
He couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
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Where can you find baby dwarfs?
At a dwarfanage
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What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Lamborghini?
You won't find a Lambo in a landfill.
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What did one banana say to another banana?
I find you a-peeling
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Where can you find the strongest tea?
Cliffsides (because it's so steep).
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What do you get when you cross Hilter, the Terminator, and Cthulhu?
Don't stick around to find out!
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Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.
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Why have human fossils never been found in Iran?
Because homos in Iran do not exist.
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Why can't you try someone for grave digging?
Because it was found on the ground.
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Why couldn't the auction house find any buyers for the Celtic artifact?
It was completely runed.
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What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?
Hot dog!'
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What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!
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How do you find a blonde on reddit?
Look for the comments that just say "huh "
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How do I find answers using Google.com?
on Yahoo Answers. Stand by while the internet divides itself by zero.
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How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down
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How does the average Chinese worker find a new job?
ChinkedIn.
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What do Tinder and Seafood restaurants have in common?
Both are good places to find Catfish
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How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?
A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"
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How do you find the Pun Bar?
You just walk into it
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What do yeast and a redneck have in common?
They're both usually found with beer and inbred. -&y (written by moi)
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Where do Chinese people find work?
On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)
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Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
To find Pooh!
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What is the most faithful insect ?
A flea once they find someone they like they stick to them !
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Why is it called finding nemo?
been wondering for years
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Why's it so hard to find marathon and triathlon reviews in Germany?
Well, you know what happened last time they picked a race...
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What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.
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How do you know you've found Christopher Walken's house?
It has a recognizable gait
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Where would you find the scientist who loved to f$k dogs?
In the lab.
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What do you call it when guys find older women unusually attractive?
The Stunning-Cougar Effect.
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How many Dragon Ball Z episodes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z***
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Where do you find dragon milk?
Short legged cows
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Where do you find a down-and-out octopus ?
On squid row !
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What do you call an anarchist grandmother who just found out she's pregnant?
Rebel without a menopause.
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What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?
I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.
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Why can't Vader find a steady relationship?
He keeps looking for love in Alderaan places
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Why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks?
cuz she couldn't find the door handle
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Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
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Why can't you find good quality clothing on the Iron Islands?
They do not sew
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How did the knight know that his armor was made in China?
He found a chink in it.
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How do you find King Arthur in the dark?
With a knight light....
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How did the midget feel when he found out he was retarded?
A little Down.
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What do you find in an empty nose?
Fingerprints.
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Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads.
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Where would you find more Leifs than in a forest?
Valhalla.
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What kind of birds do you usually find locked up ?
Jail-birds !
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Why couldn't the anthropologist find any Lomekwian tools?
They were looking in Oldowan places
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How Many Running Backs Does It Take To Turn On A Light?
Two. One to find the switch...the other to hit it.
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What did the Swedish chef say to his girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant?
Abort - Bort - Bort!
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How do you find and old man in the dark?
Just feel around. It's not hard.
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Where did the dog find her husband?
At the Groomers!
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How are children like cellphones?
If youve lost one and havent found it in a couple days, chances are its probably dead.
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What's your emer- DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN'T FIND IT DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW'D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME
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Where do you find a quadriplegic?
There where you left him.
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How do you find a black person?
Guilty.
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When she found out she said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Yes, I'm not kidding you." he said.
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Why was Jesus not Mexican?
No matter how hard God looked, he could not find three wise men or a virgin anywhere in Mexico
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Where does a sad chemist find employment?
At an apathycary!
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How do you find a girl with no legs?
Follow the slime trail.
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What do you call it when a neurologist is found embezzling and he later runs away?
A Fraudian slip.
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What do you find hanging from cherry trees?
Your arms have gotten sore.
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Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown?
He was looking for Finger Prince. (Say it out loud if you don't get it.)
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Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Alabama?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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What's the hardest kind of waffle to find?
A Carmen Sandy Eggo
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What does a mathematicion find in a forest?
A natural log.
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What's your opinion on the mobius strip debate?
I find it a tad one-sided.
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How many retards does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, line up so that I can find out..
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What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos!
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Where do you find an enlightened mosquito?
In Bhuddapest
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How will I ever find the right woman?
She replied "Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man."
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What was Bernie Sander's favorite topic in mathematics?
Radicals. He loved finding the "root" of problems...
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How many Norwegians does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't bother, you can find lutfisk in the dark.
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What did the divers find the sunken Korean ferry had hit?
Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
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What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?
a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
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How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?
It's not hard
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What is worse than finding 100 dead babies in a trash bin?
Finding 1 dead Baby in 100 trash bins.
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How does one find out the sensitivity of a gentleman's balls?
Test tickles
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How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow?
You ask an informer