Thing Jokes
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What is atheism?
A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing
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How do cats buy things?
A: From a cat-alogue!
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What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in
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What's the first thing a hillbilly says after losing her virginity?
Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.
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What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
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What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire?
A: Lawn chair.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?
She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"
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What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes?
Karma, Whores.
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What's the last thing the ISIS fighters' wife said before she blew herself up?
Bahhh
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What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to?
A grudge.
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Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?
It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.
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What was the last thing Daedalus said to Icarus?
You've got a lot of potential, son."
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Why are fish so gullible?
They fall for things hook line and sinker!
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What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?
A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...
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Where are things that are very average produced?
The satis-factory.
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What was one thing Nicholas the 2nd of Russia not good at?
Czarcasm.
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What did one fish ask the other?
So how do you drive this thing
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How do you know the high heel was invented by men?
Who else invents things?
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What is the only thing more permanent than a Sharpie marker?
A STD.
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Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?
And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
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What's this bit here?
NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things
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What do my iPhone and my girlfriend have in common?
They both go off again two minutes later to remind me of the same thing.
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What's the only thing worse than a poop joke?
A corny poop joke. You can really visualize it.
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What was the last thing the snowboarder ever said?
Hey guys, watch this!"
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What is the one thing wrong with a Piles joke?
It doesn't sit well.
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Whats the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.
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Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask questions!
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What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
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What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?
A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.
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What's the difference between Britain and Australia?
When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse.
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What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?
Recalculating route.
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What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
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How can you tell if she is virgin or not?
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.
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Why do they call me an oven?
Because when I get turned on things get really hot
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What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test-tickles!
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Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet?
That thing hurts!
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What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
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What's the difference between certain and uncertain?
Well, one things for sure
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What's the only thing that grows in Oakland?
A: The Crime Rate!
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What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair falls to the ground?
spits*
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Why do we hit things when they don't work?
Because it worked with slavery
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Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard?
Try to disable sticky keys.
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What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?
a duck
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Why did the Ferguson protesters go home early last night?
The whole thing was a gas.
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Why don't Geordies use scales?
Because they can weigh things by eye man.
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What is one thing Harry Houdini can't escape from?
Stomach punches
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What's the last thing you want to hear from a surgeon dissecting someone?
Oops
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How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.
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What was the last thing that Columbus said to his sailors before getting on the ship?
Okay men, get on the ship."
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What's the thing that is about 5-6 inches long, it goes into mouth and when you rub it back and forth it produces a white liquid?
A toothbrush.
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.
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What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral?
The corpse.
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What was the last thing that went through Paul Walker's mind before he died?
The windshield.
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What is the one thing you can't say even on the internet?
removed
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Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?
The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.
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When my family says things like...why don't you have kids yet?
I say "Because I didn't get drunk & do the football team, Sasha."
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What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?
She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
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What's the last thing you want to see on the reddit frontpage?
This joke. PS: You don't think so Prove me wrong.
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What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?
1961
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Where did you get that thing?
Parrot says, "Africa."
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What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?
Yes, I'm completely sure.
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What was the last thing that went through the Sandy Hook child's mind?
A bullet. I apologize if that joke was aimed for a younger audience. I love Sandy Hook jokes, they never get old. Just like those children.
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What's the one thing a mechanic can't fix?
Stupid
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What was the last thing that went through JFK's head?
A bullet.
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What's the only thing that grows in Ferguson?
The crime rate.
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Why did the spreadsheets get divorced?
They just couldn't sort things out.
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What did Tennessee?
the same thing Arkansas
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What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development?
Polaroid Integral Film and Babies
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What's the difference between a terrorist and a feminist?
The terrorist needs a trigger to blow things up.
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Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?
Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!
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What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?
It's rear end!
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How many things do you need to change a lightbulb?
3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb
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What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Walks home.
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How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they will never change a thing.
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What do you call a pirate that sells things?
A sailor.
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Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?
They take things literally
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How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?
He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together
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What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?
HOOO did that!
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What do you call someone who takes things literally?
A kleptomaniac!
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Whats the last thing you want to see when youre shagging the wife?
The husband.
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Why was the lobster arrested?
Because he was always pinching things.
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How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?
Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.
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What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and his E-Wheelchair?
If you repair both, the E-Wheelchair is the only thing running again
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What are you called if you are paid to be a thing?
A pro-noun!
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What's the only thing working out at the gym?
The business plan.
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Why is your January report card so bad ?
Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !
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What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man?
His wife.
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What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet?
dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)
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Why do scientists look for things twice?
A: Because they research everything.
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What's funny about majorities?
Most things.
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What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult?
Molestation.
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What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from?
LIESTRONG bracelets.
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What is the only thing standing between me and being rich?
I haven't hit Reddit gold yet.
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What is mitosis?
Those are the things on the ends of my feetsis. Thought of this during my last bio exam.
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What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper?
Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing."
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Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things literally
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What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
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How many Nickelback fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Trick question! There's no such thing as Nickelback fans. (I will be hated by few)
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?
A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.
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Why do beaches not get sarcasm?
Because they always take things littorally
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What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?
Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.
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Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do?
It makes his Dagobah faster.
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What do you call a lawmaker in a society ruled by horses that says one thing but does the opposite?
A hippocratic hypocrite.
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What's the biggest difference between Intel and AMD?
How they process things.
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What is the last thing a tossed salad says to itself before being devoured by a human?
A: Lettuce pray
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What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common?
They both know when it's time to turn things over.
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Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality?
There's no such thing as potato quality there.
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What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant?
Go big or go home
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What's in Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians
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What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs "
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Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her.
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What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?
The alphabat.
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How do they tie things down on the space station?
They use astro knots.
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What's that thing called when your crush likes you back?
Oh yeah. Imagination.
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What's the only thing the English and French agree on?
Americans. Alternatives: What's the only thing Americans and the French agree on? The English. What's the only thing the English and Americans agree on? The French.
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What kind of bees hum and drop things ?
A fumble bee !
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Why did the firefly keep stealing things ?
What goes "snap crackle and pop" A firefly with a short circuit !
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What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?
Give it two test-tickles!
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What's the last thing you want to hear right after you get done blowing Willie Nelson?
I ain't Willie Nelson."
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Why sugars are very unhappy these days?
It is sweet but still is not getting added do any thing!
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How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?
They just have a feel for that kind of thing.
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What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?
Try to neghostiate.
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Why do men like breasts so much?
They prove men can concentrate on two things at once.
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What kind of snake is good at building things?
A boa constructor.
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What is one thing you never say to a Muslim?
Share ya laws.
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When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Your fingers.
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Why are most reactionists black?
Because stealing is the only thing they can do.
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What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael?
A whambulance
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What is a Freudian slip?
A Freudian slip is when someone says one thing when thinking of amother.
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How does a man see things from woman's point of view?
By looking out the kitchen window.
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Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn?
To spruce things up a bit.
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What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?
Recoil
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What's the only thing a feminist is going to change?
The Laundry
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How does the Pope pay for things online?
Papal
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How do lesbians keep things interesting in the bedroom?
They think outside the box.
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What are you doing with that thing?
The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."
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Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
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What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?
Do you know how to drive this thing "
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What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy?
Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.
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Why don't you prescribe Viagra as an antidepressant?
it only makes things harder.
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What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?
Anne hath a way."
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What do you call a policeman with a thing for MLP?
A clop cop.
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What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?
Coffin
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What was the last thing that went through JFK Jr's mind when his plane crashed?
The console. What was JFK Jr's wife drinking when the plane crashed? Ocean Spray.
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How is an easily-offended person like a broken GPS?
They always take things the wrong way.
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What's the only thing worse than asbestos?
Asworstos.
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What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?
You're hired" "Not guilty"
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What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's head?
The steering wheel.
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What do reddit fans and Apple fans have in common?
They both like seeing the same thing a year later.
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What do Gungans put things in?
Jar Jars.
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What is the first thing they teach you at Gardening school?
WATERRR THOOOOOSSSSSEEEEE!!!!
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let's not rush things, OK
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What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her?
The same thing he told her the first time!
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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
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What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen?
Its arse.
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How many livers do people have?
I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.
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Why is Thors bother so secretive?
Because he tries to keep things Loki...
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What's the only thing more annoying than a pushy vegan?
When redditors won't shut up about how annoying one is.
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What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?
Gold digging
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How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-sees it's almost 3 pm Magic
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What's the first thing the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped.
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Why have you got cotton wool in your ears do you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
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What was the last thing that went through the hostages head?
A bullet.
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Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?
Well, it worked with the slaves.
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What was the first thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 victims?
Their knees! Please comment "No"
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What's the only thing better than a gold medal at the Paralympics?
Legs
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Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?
Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.
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What's the only thing better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded
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Whats the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their knees
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What is that thing called when your crush likes you back?
Imagination.
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Why is that?
Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.
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What's the first thing the pope did after resigning?
Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.
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What's the last thing you want to hear when blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson"
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What do you call a reptile that loves putting things in groups?
a segreGATOR
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Why is there no such thing as an epileptic exhibitionist?
Because flashing gives them seizures.
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What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
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What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
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Why does Tom Hiddleston only invite his closest friends/family to his birthday?
He likes to keep things low key.
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What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get!
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What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?
Finding half of a roach in your food.
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What is one thing you always get on your birthday?
Older
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What's the first thing you install on a new computer?
The operating system
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What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world?
Nothing, she's fine
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What's the only thing worse than a worm in your apple?
Reposts
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How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn?
China probably can pop corn in one minute.
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What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results?
A weapons designer for the First Order.
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What did the road say to the chicken?
If you cross me it will be the last thing you do!"
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What's the first thing you do when attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go straight for the juggler.
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How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy?
There's some things I've licked that I don't want.
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How are babies like hinges?
They are things to adore
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What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed?
Just out of Curiosity...
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Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud?
He doesn't know how to turn things down
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What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset?
Your sister's hymen.
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Why is it so difficult for people with breast cancer to remember things?
They have bad mammaries.
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Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
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What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common?
Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)
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What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute?
Oh yeah...39
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What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"
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What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?
9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history
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What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?
Paypal
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What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies?
Watch this!
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What is the difference between a sociopath and a buddhist?
A sociopath sees people as things a buddhist sees things as people.
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How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic?
Cash or Czech Edit: a word
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Why did Helen Keller try lsd?
Because she was told it makes you see things!
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What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?
Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'
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What's the only thing you can say when the Chinese Restaurant over booked your reservation?
Welp. You dim sum, you lose some
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Why did Helen Keller stop cleaning her dishes?
She was running out of things to read.
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What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !
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What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"
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Whats the last thing that goes through a fly's brain before it hits my car windshield?
Its arse.
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What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things?
A geist. Thanks! I will show myself out.
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What's the first thing Aaron Hernandez learned in prison?
He's not a tight end anymore )
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What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles
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What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?
The volleyball net.
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What did the physicist say to the depressed hippy?
There's no such thing as negative energy"
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Why do Nuns always wear the same thing?
It's a habit.
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What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?
You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.
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What was the last thing Beethoven accomplished?
Decomposing
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How do you drive this thing?
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"
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What's the only thing better than Roses on a Piano?
Answer: Tulips on an Organ.
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Why do mermaids put their things on top of clams?
Because clams are shelf-ish.
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Why do white people think they can say the N word?
Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.
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What was the last thing that went through Lady Diana's head, moments before the crash?
Car battery
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Why do men stare at a woman's breasts?
To prove they can focus on two things at once.
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What do you call an Irishman who bounces off things?
Rick O'Shea
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What do you call a scientist that measures things in space?
A cosmetrologist.
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Where does Bran Stark keep his things?
Hold all and howdoor
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Why did NBC add the Michael J. Fox Show to its line-up?
To shake things up on network tv.
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Whats the last thing you give a tickle me elmo before it leaves the factory?
Two test-tickles.
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Why do elephants have trunks ?
Because they've no pockets to put things in !
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What's one thing the Hulk would struggle tearing down?
The fourth wall
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What's the thing in common between your girlfriend starting the pill and the muisic group Europe?
It's the final condom... Ta da da da...
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What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?
WD-4D
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What is the definition of a Freudian slip?
when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.
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What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?
Bite me.
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What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?
Four whore and seven beers ago....
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What's the first thing you know?
Old Jed's a millionaire.
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What did capital 'O' say to capital 'Q'?
Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!"
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Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?
Because they take things literally.
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What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
ya'll watch this!
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Why isn't the word gangster pronounced Jang-ster?
Because there ain't no such thing as a soft 'G.'
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How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone?
You add a dab of glue.
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What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson' Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald
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What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz?
Your dreams are not the only thing going up in smokes.
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What's the one thing a hoarder has no trouble letting go of?
Their mind
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How do inmates pay for things in prison?
With ConCurrency, of course.
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What are they doing?
Now I wonder the same thing.
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What's the one thing a black person will never steal?
Your job.
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What kind of animal can record video?
A cam-el. Get it, because a camera records things and a camel is a animal.
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Why does Islam get angry if you criticize their religion?
Im not sure they always seem to blow things up out of proportion.
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What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?
Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"
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What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles
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What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
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Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
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What is the first thing a blind man says?
My eyes! My eyes!
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How do Eskimos make things stick together?
Igloo
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What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"?
Working people's wallets.
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How do I stay humble?
Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.
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Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.
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How do attractive men pay for things?
They handsome money to the cashier
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Where's the genie?
Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
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What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
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What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?
nice watch"
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What's a rabbi's favorite type of bar?
It's sure as hell not a bar-mitzvah, those things are expensive.
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Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?
They take things literally.
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Why do women love chocolate?
Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.
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What do you call a person that raises the dead and also had a thing for napes?
A neck-romancer
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What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?
Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)
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What is the thing called that irrigates your lawn?
A garden Jose.
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What's the one thing make a wish foundation can't give you?
The cure
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What's the only thing politicians stand for?
Reelection.