Hold Jokes
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What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese?
A paddy melt!!
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Why did the belt go to prison?
He held up a pair of pants!
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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What are pigskins used for?
Holding the pig together.
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Why is the Force like duct tape?
It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
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What has 40 teeth and holds a monster at bay?
My zipper.
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Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?
Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
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How many BLM protestors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
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Why was the phone busy all night?
Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
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What's faster than a black guy running down the street with your T.V?
His brother holding the VCR.
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What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?
ISIS
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Why are clouds like jockeys?
Because they hold the reins!
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How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
Hold up your arm and say "Go back you didn't say 'May I'"
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Why does a redneck hold a knife while driving?
So he can cut corners.
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What happened when the barman died?
The police held an inn-quest
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What has 108 teeth and holds back the incredible Hulk?
My Zipper.
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What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer?
A barrel organ.
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How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?
14,000. 1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.
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What do you get when you hold a mothball in your left hand and a mothball in your right hand?
A rather excited moth
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What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor?
OC A quadriplegic.
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How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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How does a witch make scrambled eggs ?
She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright ! 'Owl be seeing you later.'
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What has 52 teeth and can hold back the incredible Hulk?
My Zipper
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How does an SJW screw in a light-bulb?
Zir holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around zirself.
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How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold it in the socket and the other to drink until the room starts spinning!
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How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
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How will future generations contact Beyonce's ghost?
They'll hold a Beyonceance.
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What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?
A man holding an aardvark.
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How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him
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Who came up with hugs?
The very first hug must have been really creepy. "What are you doing Why are you holding me " "Just trust me."
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Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !
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How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
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What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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Why couldn't the glue hold the walls together?
Because it wasn't ceiling.
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What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Can I hold your hand hand hand hand?
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What do you say if you want someone to hold the lift?
Ans: Hodor
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How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.
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Who held the baby octopus to ransom ?
Squidnappers !
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How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
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What did the bra say to the toupee?
You go on ahead, I'll hold these two up.
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How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
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What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to?
A grudge.
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Why did Sepp Blatter resign from the FIFA president position?
He just couldn't hold it any longer.
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What about my atm card which holds all my money?
Any 4 numbers in a row."
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What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear?
The silence of the lambs
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How do black people tan?
Holding their hands up
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Why did Stephen get an A on his test?
He held his teacher at gunpoint and forced her to give him a good grade despite the fact he got an F.
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How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!
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What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk?
My zipper.
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How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?
You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.
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How many angels can a pinhead dance on?
To hold up their pants.
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What's a stoners favorite word?
Here! (Must be said like you are holding a hit in)
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What is the difference between a camera and a sock?
One holds photos The other holds five
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What does HONDA stand for?
Hold On, Not Done Accelerating.
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What has 200 teeth and holds back Godzilla?
My zipper
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What do you call a lightbulb that holds the door for you?
A polite bulb.
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How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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Why can't Elsa hold a balloon?
A: Because she might Let it Go
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How many pregnant women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. She holds it while the world revolves around her.
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What's the best way to get a hold of Vin Diesel?
IM Groot.
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Why is China a communist country?
Because nobody wants to hold an erection.
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What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm?
Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.
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What do you mean I've had enough to drink?
Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.
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How do you give a quadriplegic a headache?
Ask him to hold open the elevator door
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Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
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How do you change a cat into a dog?
Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"
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What did the poles do during world war two?
They held the telephone wires off the ground.
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
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How many heroin addicts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning!
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Why doesn't democracy work in china?
Because no one wants to hold an erection.
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How many feminists does it take screw in a lightbulb?
One she holds it in the socket and waited for the world to revolve around her.
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Why do North Korean officials are always seen holding a notebook and a pen when they're near Kim Jong Un?
They're writing their last will and testament.
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How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.
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What holds the moon up?
A: Moonbeams.
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What is the most offensive joke you know?
I'm bored tonight and I have a no holds barred sense of humour. What are some of your worst
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How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb 2 to turn the ladder and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and other to drink until the room spins.
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Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform?
So the Marine have something to hold on to.
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How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .
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Which aardvark holds the speed record?
The nearsighted aardvark who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!
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How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold it in place while the rest of Europe runs circles around it.
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How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them. One to hold the bulb and the rest to screw the world.
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What do you call a monkey holding a stick of dynamite?
A Baboom!
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Why is a bad government like a bikini?
Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.
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What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?
A: Siamese twins.
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How do cities decide who gets to be in charge of wastewater management?
They hold a runoff election.
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How do you depress a room full of geeks?
Hold the door! I'm a leaf on the wind!"
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw..... in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold it up as the whole world revolves around her.
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How does a woman hold her licker??
By the ears...
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How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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What do you call a Hispanic person holding a silenced weapon?
Puerto-RECON
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What do you get when Hulk holds the American Flag?
The Star Spangled Banner!
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Why couldn't the retarded man talk normally?
He was trying to hold the door
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What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
Age
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What is the difference between michael jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with and the other holds your groceries
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How many idiots does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to hold the bulb, and four to turn his ladder
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Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?
Click Turpin
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How many Meth-Heads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to hold the lightbulb and Two to smoke till the room spins!
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What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
He brought it to school and said 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
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What has 72 teeth and holds back the hulk?
My zipper.
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Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.
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How does a feminist change a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them.
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Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking?
Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces.
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What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons?
Those are the wrong Sais
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Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?
Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.
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How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, I am on hold.
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How do you make a door hold water?
You open it slightly so it's ajar.
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How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
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What do you say to a person at a funeral held at 10 A.M.?
Good mourning.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it one to hammer it in.
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Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
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What do you call a terrorist holding an AK47 to your head?
Sir.
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What did the man say while holding a square clock?
I'm holding Time Square!
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What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand?
A trillionaire.
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Why don't Brits like revolving doors?
Because they can't hold it for the next person.
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What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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How do you tell a deaf person to shut up?
Here, hold this."
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How does a French lady hold her liquor?
By the ears
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What's your emer- DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN'T FIND IT DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW'D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME
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Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?
They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.
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What is the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
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What has 341 teeth and holds back The Hulk?
My zipper.
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What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in?
Oxnard, CA
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What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles?
A candle-nah-brah
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How many people from Quebec does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One: He holds the bulb and the rest of Canada revolves around him.
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Where does Bran Stark keep his things?
Hold all and howdoor
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How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you!
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb!
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Why did the chicken hold a seance?
To get to the other side.
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What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
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How does one robber ask another how they're doing?
How are you holding up?"
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How many pollocks does it take to paint a house?
1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!
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What world athletic sporting event is held every four years?
The Olympigs!
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Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory?
He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, "Please hold. Your soul is very important to us."
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Why did the suspenders get arrested?
A: Because they held up a pair of pants.
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What did the priest announce before he went for a bath?
Speak now or forever hold your pee!"
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How does a French woman hold her liquor?
By the ears.
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What did one octopus say to the other octopus?
Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand
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What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands?
A dope ring.
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How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
Because it held up a pair of pants. I'll show myself out.
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What has 42 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?
My Zipper.
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How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.
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What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?
My Zipper
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Why do North Korean statesmen make for bad lovers?
Because they won't hold a public erection.
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How many femenists does it *really* take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter how many femenists try, they can't change anything. Alternatively, they just hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What three words will emasculate any man?
A: Hold my purse.
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How do you get 1000 cows into a barn ?
hold a bingo !!
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What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?
Lieutenant
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What's the difference between Jesus and picture of Jesus ?
It takes only one nail to hold the picture up
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How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
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How many IBM CPUs does it take to perform a logical right shift?
A: 32. One to hold the bits and 31 to push the register.
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Why do I only see lesbian couples holding hands?
Aren't their hands clammy enough as it is...
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How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun. You hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun Edit: My 5 year old nephew loves this joke.
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Why were all the ladies attracted to Jesus?
Because he was hung like this. (Hold your arms out wide)
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How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them
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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
one is plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with, the other holds your groceries
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How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
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Why I'm Breaking Up With You" Him: Wait, what the--?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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How do French girls hold their liquor?
By the ears
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How many irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, One to hold the light and, one to drink until the room starts spinning!
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What do you do when you want to hold a bunny?
You grabbit.
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Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
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What has 142 teeths and can hold back the incredible hulk?
My zipper
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What do you call a tornado holding a spork?
The Mersenne Twister.
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Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?
They wanted to give credit where credit was due.
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What do you call a wizard holding a teacup?
A saucer-er!
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How 'bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
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What has 32 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.
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How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold it in place, another to rotate the universe around it.
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How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ?
A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop."
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How are Asians and Smart Cars similar?
They are yellow can they only hold small packages
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How do you know you're on the phone with a meth head?
When comcast puts them on hold and they don't hang up
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What do you call a statue holding some Mouthwash?
A gargoyle!
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Why are children's birthday parties never held in outer space?
Because I hear that in space there is no ice-cream.
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What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
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How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess?
How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men
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How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
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How Many Hispanics Does It Take To Hold Up A Roof?
Just Juan....
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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to unscrew it, and one to hold the ladder.
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.
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What pillar doesn't need holding up ?
A caterpillar !
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Why isn't China a democracy?
Because then they'd have to hold erections.
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Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?
It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.
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How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four one to hold the pot and three to act macho and shake the stove.
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How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them
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How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They hold it in place while the world revolves around them.
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Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
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What's going on?
Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet They think I'm pee!
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How do you hold a pirate rabbit?
With its buccaneers!
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What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time?
You're my brother in arms!"
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What did the man say while holding a square shaped clock?
A: I'm holding Time Square!
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Where's the baby?
while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.
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What do you get when you hold two green balls tightly in your hand?
A leprachaun's undivided attention.
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How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning.
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When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?
Hold on, let me get my bear rings."
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How many talking heads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and another to spin the story until the bulb fits.
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
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Why does Bernie always hold the podium while giving a speech?
It's tough to stand on your own when you have no spine.
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Why did the gentleman hold the door?
Because he was dying to do so.
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How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?
She doesn't, she just holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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What do you have if you are holding a mothball in your right hand and a mothball in your left hand?
A. A **VERY** large moth...
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How do you make a Game of Thrones fan sad?
You ask them to hold the door for you.
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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins
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Why couldn't Elsa hold on to a balloon?
She would always let it go.
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What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
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What's the strongest letter in the alphabet?
P*** Even Superman can't hold it.
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What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.
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When are jousting tournaments most commonly held?
Knight time
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How many BLM protestors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
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Why was the robber bionic?
He was holding up a bank.
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How does an engineer screw a light-bulb?
He holds the light-bulb over the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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What's the appropriate age to take the electric shock collar off your kid?
My son's 10 years... hold on... OFF THE COUCH! brb... convulsing.
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How many muscles does a chicken have in its neck?
Just enough to hold it's pecker up...
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How's everyone else holding up?
Anyone know why they all have bags of candy
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How do you hold your liqour?
I hold mine by the ears.
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Where will the Womens World Cup final be held?
Kitchen Stadium
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What do you call a man holding a machine gun?
Sir