Pound Jokes

Why was Kim Kardashian arrested at the airport?

She had two pounds of crack in her knickers.

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Why does the town pound keep animals in separate cages?

Cause otherwise they'd be going to pound town.

What's the relationship between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble?

A pound of rubles is worth one dollar.

Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny?

Because they are always losing pounds.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Why are there so many dogs at the pound?

Because no one wants them.

Whats the difference between Taylor Swift and Adele?

About fifty pounds

How do dog catchers get paid?

By the Pound!

What's the quickest way to lose pounds?

The UK National Lottery!

How much does Nicki Minaj sell security devices for?

Pound an alarm

What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.

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What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?

A bad gambler

What's the difference between a lesbian and a sperm whale?

Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

What is the fastest way to lose pounds?

Leave EU.

Why were the vets and pounds mad?

It was raining cats and dogs

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!

What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef?

A humburger.

What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common?

For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

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Why is the new Brexit diet so popular?

All you gotta be is a little more than halfway into it and the pounds will start falling.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?

Here Kitty kitty kitty' !

What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement?

Pounds

What's the best way to lose some pounds?

Leave the EU.

What's the difference between a Pound and a Dollar?

A dollar

Who's there ! Bette-lou ! Bette-lou who ?

Bette-lou a few pounds !

Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King?

Because you have to court her before you pound her.

How does a dog catcher gets paid?

by the pound.

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

A: About fifty pounds.

What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common?

They both lose pounds really fast.

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What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding?

Cantelope

Why do melons always have big weddings?

Because they can't elope.

Prefer Jokes More Prefer Jokes

What's an owl's favorite rock band?

Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.

Why do athletes prefer nuns to time their laps?

Because when a nun times anything it's zero. (0*n=0) :D

Subway Jokes More Subway Jokes

What do you call the people who make sandwiches at Subway?

Sub humans.

What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?

Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.

Direction Jokes More Direction Jokes

What would you say are your strengths?

Me: Words Him: Can you say more Me: More Him: Me: I'm also good at directions

Why do people always ask me for directions?

I have no clue where I am going. I am sure i have sent 100's of people into the ocean.

Sit Jokes More Sit Jokes

Why can't you play cards on a small boat?

Because someone is always sitting on the deck.

What do you call a 1,000 pound woman sitting on a bar stool?

A half-ton pickup.

Junk Jokes More Junk Jokes

What's the difference between Jared from Subway's gut and his junk?

He prefers his gut when it's down 45 pounds, and his junk when it's up 45 pounds.

How does a Tyrannosaurus Rex scratch it's junk?

It squats down on a Triceratops.

Thanksgiving Jokes More Thanksgiving Jokes

Why can't you be successful like your brother?

Amazon: heh Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons! Thanksgiving at the Primes

Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners?

Because usually they're stuck with reservations.

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?

He ate himself!

What happens when a feminist shoots a gun?

The gun gets triggered.