Wear Jokes
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What's squawky, worn out, and falls from foot easily?
An old shoe... ...and Ronda Rousey
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Why do Italians wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.
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Why don't birds ever wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their head.
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What's with those clogs you keep wearing?
I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
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What kind of shoes does Jack Lew wear?
Cashews.
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What do French athletes wear?
Jaques straps
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What kind of khakis do birds wear?
Khakaws!
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Why won't a witch wear a flat cap?
Because there's no point in it.
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What overalls does Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim
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Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
She grew out of her b-shells.
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What cologne do engineers wear?
Elon's musk
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Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat?
To keep her head warm.
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Why doesn't Yogi wear shoes?
He likes to go... bearfoot! I'll see myself out...
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What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits?
Speedos !
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What did Thor have to wear when he broke his tailbone?
An Asgard.
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What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?
Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'
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Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
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Why are you wearing?
existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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Why do hipsters not wear cardigans anymore?
Because they wore them before it was cool.
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What do you call a person who wears adult diapers?
Ehh, it depends.
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What kinds of clothes do protons wear?
Plus sizes!
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Why did Napoleon wear sleeves?
For his armies
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Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fall-out.
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Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
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Why do priests wear underwear in the shower?
They don't like to look down on the unemployed
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What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch.
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What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant?
A plaid tie.
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What do you call it when the robot from Futurama gets in a minor car accident while wearing a dress?
A gender bender Bender fender bender.
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Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka?
Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP
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What does a lawyer wear to work?
A law-suit
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Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ?
Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !
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What is a surgeon's excuse for not wearing a condom?
Don't worry baby, I'm sterile.
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big.
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What aftershave do monsters wear?
Brute.
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Why don't witches wear underpants?
To get a better grip on the broom
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Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?
So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"
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What do clouds wear under their clothes?
A: Thunderware.
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Why dot net developers don't wear glasses?
Because they see sharp.
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What kind of jacket would Michael J. Fox wear if he was black?
OC A parka, son.
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Why don't women like to wear dresses in the winter?
Chapped lips
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Why don't catholics wear condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant.
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Why JFK doesn't wear hats?
It is an airport.
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Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
The man responds "If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!"
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What pair of shoes could the ginger only wear?
The pair with no sole.
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Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
A.) Because red means Stop.
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Why did the Mexican try to wear his taco?
He was dyslexic.
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Why shouldn't you wear loose fitting shorts when visiting Ukraine?
Because Chernobyl fallout
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What type of pants does Mario wear?
Denim, denim, denim.
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Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?
Chuck Norris.
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How does a Ethiopian show that they are rich?
They wear a rolex watch around their waist.
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What do you call a clock you wear on your belt?
A waist of time
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Why Does the Pope wear Boxers?
He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.
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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ?
A petticoat !
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How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands?
He wears the cardboard box on his boots.
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What kind of jackets do Audiophiles wear?
FLAC jackets
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How does a deaf and dumb tell a secret to another one?
He wears mittens.
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Why was the blonde wearing condoms on her ears?
Because she didn't want to get hearing-AIDS.
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What wears a black white and tan coat but has no hair?
A bald beagle!
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What do you think of wearing a straight jacket?
I think I could pull it off
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What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm?
Girl: Apollo neck jumpers
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Why do Brides wear white?
To match the rest of the household appliances.
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Why aren't you wearing a coat?
Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.
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Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?
Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers
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What's the worst thing a girl can wear to bed?
A condom
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Why does the Pirate Wear Camouflage Underwear?
To hide his booty.
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What do lawyers wear to court?
Law suits!
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Why don't girls in San Francisco wear skirts?
Their balls would fall out.
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Why can't you wear shorts in the Ukraine?
Chernobyl fallout...
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Why are you wearing masks?
There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one's gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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What's the difference between Super Man and Spider Man ?
Super Man wears his underwear over his pants..
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells for a bra?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!
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Why did the woman sky-diver wear a jock strap?
So she didn't whistle on the way down.
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What's your favorite game if you wear a turban?
Hide-and-Sikh
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Why didn't the egg break?
Because it was wearing underwear.
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What does Zeus wear under his tunic?
Thunderwear!
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What do you call it when someone makes a slam-dunk wearing shiny handcuffs?
Boom-shackle-lacquer!
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Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
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What are the best clothes to wear to the dance club?
Boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants...
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What kind of shoes do bears wear?
None because they go barefoot.
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Why do Canadians wear tuques?
Because condoms are too brittle at minus 20.
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Why do black people wear flares?
because their knee grows
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What do you call a hippopotamus wearing Tie Dye?
A hippiepotamus
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What's black, wears a bandana and ends the world?
Tupacalypse. (thanks to my buddy Mike)
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Why do people wear sleeveless shirts?
They like to express the right to bear arms.
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What shoes are hard to wear?
Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.
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What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
You know you need a psychiatrist!
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Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
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What shoes does Brad wear?
Loafers!
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What kind of shoe does Mr. T wear?
T-shoes!
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What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?
Polyunsaturated
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Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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Why don't Korean captains wear hats?
Because they don't know what to do with cap sizes.
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Why should you always wear underwear in Ukraine?
Otherwise Chernobyl Fallout.
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How can you tell when a Serbian girl isn't wearing any underwear?
By the dandruff on her shoes.
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What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?
Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.
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What did the mermaid wear for good luck on her math test?
Her *algaebra*.
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Why don't black girls wear underwear to cookouts?
To keep the flies off the fried chicken.
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What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings?
If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.
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Why does an elephant wear sneakers ?
So that he can sneak up on mice !
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Why don't roosters wear underwear?
Their peckers are on their heads.
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Why do Native Americans wear jock straps?
TOTEM POLE
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What do you call a guy who wears two condoms?
Justin Case
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What did Joan Rivers say to the zombie?
Who are you wearing *
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What's the difference between a wealthy man wearing a tux and riding a bike and a hobo in torn jeans and shirt riding a unicycle?
Attire.
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Why don't you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So Me: I don't want to encourage that.
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What does a grizzly wear under his fur?
Under-bear.
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Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket Her: Skiing is a sport!
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Why don't women wear skirts during winter?
They'll get chapped lips!
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What has wings a long tail and wears a bow?
A birthday pheasant!
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What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?
A sheep.
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Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?
So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
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What do ghosts wear?
Boo Jeans
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What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers?
Russell.
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Who might you be?
I AM THORRRR!!!" His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."
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Why don't tortoises wear scarves?
They have turtlenecks
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Why did the scale not wear any of his shirts?
Because they all had a tare
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Why should you never wear Ukrainian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fall off.
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Why do lawyers wear neckties?
to keep their foreskins from creeping up.
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?
He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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Who wears a toga and a face mask?
The Roman Umpire.
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Why does Drake hate summer?
Because you start wearing less and going out more
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What should you wear when drinking tea?
A tea-shirt.
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Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?
Because he wanted to look mptnt
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How are tigers like sergeants in the army ?
They both wear stripes !
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What's the difference between a man on a unicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a bicycle wearing a tank top?
Attire.
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What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight?
Muay Thai
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What does Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim
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Why do cows wear bells around there neck?
Because there horns don't work. :)
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Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?
So you can read their lips.
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What kind of underwear do old people wear?
Depends.
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Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?
He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.
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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask?
You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
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What kind of shoes do thieves wear?
Sneakers.
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Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house?
And why is she wearing my underpants
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Why Do Scottish people wear kilts?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.
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What does the mermaid wear to math class?
Algae-bra.
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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear.
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Why should you never go out drinking if you wear a monocle?
Because then you'd be a barnacle.
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Why was the guy wearing the fedora upset?
Because you didn't ask him what band he's in.
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Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis
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Why did the nun always wear a slip?
Sheer habit.
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What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple?
iPatch
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Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?
When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.
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Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
Because D-shells are too big and B-shells are too small.
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What does the German President wear?
Leader-hosen.
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Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
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Why did the alligator wear a vest?
He was an investigator!
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What brand of shoes does a paranoid person wear?
Sketchers
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Why do hippies wear corduroy?
It's groovy!
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Who has large antlers a high voice and wears white gloves ?
Mickey Moose !
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How to tell if you're wearing too much Axe: 1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good. Yes- That's too much.
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Why don't women wear watches?
Because there's a perfectly good clock on the stove
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How do you know if an Asian is depressed?
All around them are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
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Why do mermaids wear seashells for bras?
Because a and b shells are too small.
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What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?
Puss in boots !
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Why did the clown wear loud socks?
A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
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What do you call a bell wearing a tutu ?
A bellerina !
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Why couldn't the traffic light get a date?
She was wearing no turn on red. :
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Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?
He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.
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What do clouds wear during a storm?
Thunderwear
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Why did the man wear a frog for a condom?
So he was ribbit for her pleasure.
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Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?
To be sure to be sure
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Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?
So people can read her lips.
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What's the difference between a priest and his dog?
One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.
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What do you call a fedora wearing neck beard president's wife?
First M'lady
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What kind of overalls does Super Mario wear?
denim denim denim...
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Why is womens soccer so rare?
Why is womens soccer so rare? Its quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
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What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane?
A dandy lion!
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Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?
A: They could get chapped lips!
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What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team?
The guy would survive the first round.
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How many guys wearing turbans does it take to change a light bulb?
Sikhs.
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What do tigers wear in bed ?
Stripey pyjamas !
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Why don't women wear skirts in San Fransisco?
Because their balls would show.
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Why doesn't a rooster wear pants?
Because his pecker is on his head
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Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt?
It'd be a waste of time.
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Why do so many Italian men wear mustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.
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What do ateists wear on their necks as an indication of their commitment to the atheism?
Head.
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What do people with two left feet wear?
Flip flips
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How do you know that Santa is a man?
No woman wears the same attire every year.
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What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
An investigator.
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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say?
I feel a bit overdressed."
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What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes?
Herr Jordan
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Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause she was too big for B- shells! (my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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What do you call a woman who's not wearing underwear?
A barracuchi.
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Why do Java programmers wear glasses?
Because they don't C#.
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How do you pick out the Christian Terrorist out of a crowd?
Find the guy wearing a rebel flag.
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What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?
Stop talking in secret code.
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Why do hitman always wear gloves?
because theyre always wacking guys off....
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Why do cow wear bells?
Why do cow wear bells .......???? Because their don't work :D :P
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Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they stink.
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Why dont witches wear underwear?
So they can get a good grip on the broomstick
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What do you call a man wearing two rain jackets?
Max
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What do Jedis wear to Oktoberfest?
Vader-hosen!
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What's it called when a fedora wearing neckbeard gets sick?
M'alady
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Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?
Wait but that means-" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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Why do people in wheelchairs wear shoes?
Do they think they're gonna magically start walking
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Why do Scots wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer?
He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.
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Why do Russians always wear track suits?
Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks
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Why do women parachutists wear jock straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
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Why do Canadian cops not need to wear body cameras?
Because Tim Hortons already has cameras!
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Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?
The Spanish Inquisition.
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What's red on the outside and green on the inside?
A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.
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What did the nun wear to the casino?
Her gambling habit.
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What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
The codpiece he made out of his girlfriend's face.
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What shoes to chickens wear?
Reebok bok bok
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What's your costume?
Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.
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Why did the black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
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Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?
He was going as a banana.
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What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school?
Preppy le Pew
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Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?
Because they're in continents.
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What do you call a whale that isn't wearing any underwear?
Free Willy
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What do pirates like to wear during the winter?
Scarves
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Why did the mermaid wear SeaShells?
Because she outgrew her B-Shells. Ha...
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What do astronauts wear to bed?
Space Jammies!
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Why doesn't a duck wear underwear?
Because their pecker's on their face.
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What do you call a sheman wearing a bikini?
Flaccid
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What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Lawsuits.
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Why did my sperm cross the road?
Because my wife wore the wrong socks.
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Why do monks wear the same clothes every day?
Because old habits die hard.
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What do clouds wear under their pants?
Thunderwear!
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Why are Trees never invited to a formal dinner ?
They only wear Trunks.
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What's red and green and wears boxing gloves?
A fruit punch.
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What's the difference between Batman and Martin Brodeur?
Batman isn't wearing hockey pads.
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What rabbit wears on his back while flying?
Eagle
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What do Islamic McDonalds employees wear?
A cheeseburka
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What do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein
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Why did... Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one! Ha Ha Ha Ha
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Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?
They don't have the right to bare arms
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Why don't mountains get cold?
They wear snow caps. *cringe* Courtesy of Westjet's horrible phone line.
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What clothes do lawyers wear to work?
Lawsuits.
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Why couldn't Jango wear Boba's helmet?
It didn't Fett.
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What wears a bright red suit and knows if you've been naught..or nice?
The Spanish Inquisition.
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Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time?
Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.
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What kind of jeans does mario wear?
Denim denim denim.(http://youtu.be/rdnTvgK2o5I) shamelessly stolen from tumblr
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Why do midgets refuse to wear tampons?
Because they keep stepping on the string.
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Why did the blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop D
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What does a half-dressed Sikh wear on his head?
A subturban!
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Why do elephants wear green shoes?
So they can sneak across pool tables. Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table? Works, doesn't it?
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What does a baker wear on his feet?
Loafers.
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What does Captain Kirk wear to the fitness center?
Jim shorts.
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What does a math mermaid wear?
An algeabra....
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Why doesn't Asia wear makeup?
Because it clogs its SINGAPORES!
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Who has a long nose wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle?
The Lone Aardvark!
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Who is Thor?
A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )
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Why is it prestigious to wear a condom?
It's a members-only jacket.
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Why does a bride wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
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Why don't Dunkin' Donuts employees wear name tags?
It wouldn't fit on their shirt.
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Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
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Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
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What do all Japanese Airmen wear eye patches?
Because they're pirots!
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here
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Why don't birds have to wear camouflage?
Joke: Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Punch: Because they are already "in the skies". Thank you, I'll see myself out.
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What do you call somebody who is allergic to wearing little alligators on their polo shirt?
Lacoste intolerant.
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What kind of watch does Germs Bond wear?
An Amoeba.
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What kind of pants do the Mario Brothers wear?
Denim denim denim.
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Why do black people wear lots of chains?
It's a habit that stuck from when they were slaves.
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What was the victim of the car crash wearing?
A Casualty (Casual-Tee, as in Tee-Shirt) 100% Guraneed Originality You can know for sure I made it up because of how corny it is...
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Why did the seamen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong pair of socks this morning.
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Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye?
It's his private eye.
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Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West?
Because they all wore mittens.
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What did Helen Keller say when she jumped off a cliff?
Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
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What's big and white and sits in a tree?
A fridge. What's big and white and blue and sits in a tree A fridge wearing jeans.
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Why doesn't a rooster wear underwear?
becuase his peckers on his head
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What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
Denim, denim, denim.
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What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?
Open Toad sandals... I'll show myself out - thank you
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How did the Neanderthal dad teach his son how to wear underwear?
Color coded: "Yellow in front, brown in the back"
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How can you tell if a Mexican is feeling sad?
They're wearing a SOMBERERO
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What clothing designer do vampires prefer to wear?
Alexander Fang
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Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandles?
Philippe Philoppe
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What's the leader of north korea's wife wear when she's not in the mood?
a Kimono
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Why do women wear striped bras?
Because it's a ZEBRA.
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Why did the golfer wear two pants?
He got a hole in one
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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?
No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.
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What has long ears four legs and is worn on your head?
An Easter bunnet!
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What do you call a root vegetable wearing a tank top?
A bro-tato
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What type of overalls did Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim......
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Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter time?
Cuz they'll get chapped lips. Brr.
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Why don't bears wear boots?
Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet.
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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants?
Incase he gets a hole in one
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Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells?
She grew out of her b-shells
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Why do Canadians say aboot?
Because there is too much snow to wear shoes.
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Why do politicians wear neckties?
To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.
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What do Pentecostals and Nudists have in common?
Neither can wear pants
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Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?
Because he sleeps on a waterbed !
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Why did the golfer wear 2 shirts when he went golfing?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
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Why do you think people hate us so much?
Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."
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Why did the traitor wear two watches?
Because he's a two timer.
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What kind of condoms do frogs wear?
Rib-bed
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What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !
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How do you tell if someone is a safety engineer?
They are wearing suspenders and a belt.
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What brand of shoes do chickens wear?
Reebok bok bok
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What are you going to get?
ME: wearing a wedding dress Compliments
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What kinda overalls does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
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Why do women parachutists wear cups?
So they won't whistle on the way down.
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What do Chinos say when you take them off?
This was incredibly clever when I first thought of it but then I did some research...the closest they get to being Italian is that George Clooney was a "pioneer" for them: Reading that makes me never want to wear them again.
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Why would Target be the worst store to run the Enterprise?
Because they all wear red shirts
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Why are you wearing such a large shirt?
Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
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When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be?
Liberace
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What kind of shoes does Voldemort wear?
Hor-crocs.
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What kind of pants do Bostonians wear?
Car Keys
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Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
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What does person with Alzheimer's call What Are You Wearing Today?
What Am I Wearing Today
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Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
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What kind of pants does the Pink Panther wear?
Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Deniiiiim
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Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white?
Because he wanted his dishwasher to match the fridge and stove
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Why is a dog so warm in Summer?
He wears a coat and pants.
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What is the difference between pick and choose?
To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.
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Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
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What did the cow wear to the football game?
A Jersey.
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Why do handicapped people wear shoes?
Because if they didn't their local gas station would turn a blind eye.
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What do you wear to dance the salsa?
Hot pants.
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Why does a bride wear white on her wedding day?
So the dishwasher matches the appliances
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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What is yellow and wears a mask?
A: The Lone Lemon.
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Why do you wear riding boots?
You don't ride horses. Me: Why do you wear sneakers You don't sneak.
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Why do Italian men wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.
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What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat ate her.
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What did the boy say after the tailor made fun of him for not wearing pants?
Hey, why don't you cut me some slacks?
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Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?
Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.
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Why did the chicken?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road naked A: Because chickens don't wear clothes.
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Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his Vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
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What do Bees wear in the winter?
Yellow Jackets*
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Who, me?
Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
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Which is the only insect that needs to wear shoes?
Mosqui-toes.
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Why don't witches wear a flat cap?
There's no point to it
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Who wears robes, cuts off people's hands, and lives in the desert?
Obi-Wan Kenobi.
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What do you call a reptile wearing a vest?
An investigator. Ba dum tss.
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What did Helen Keller say when she fell into the snow?
Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
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What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear?
He kilt himself
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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus?
At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
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What's blue and white and sits up a tree?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
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Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
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Why don't blondes wear mini skirts in San Francisco?
Their balls will show.
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What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ?
A guard dog !
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What does a psychologist wear to bed?
A Freudian slip.
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Why does the KKK wear all white?
Because they hate black, people!!!
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Why did the pig wear yellow coveralls?
He split a seam in his blue ones.
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Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter?
They get chapped lips
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What do you call an alligator detective wearing a waistcoat?
An investigator.
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Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?
Because they lactose.
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What is it called if someone wears your bra?
Cobra!!!
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Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out
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Why don't chicken wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.
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What is white and blue and swings through the jungle?
a refrigerator wearing a denim jacket
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What do you call an Italian guy wearing a flourescent track suit?
A DayGlo Dago
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What do sneezes wear on their feet?
A: Ahhh-shoes.
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What do Greek soccer players wear?
Soccer tee's
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Why do chicks wear those big, jangly earrings?
Stirrups
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What kind of undergarments do mermaids wear?
An algebra
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Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?
Disguise!
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What do you call a french guy wearing sandals?
Felipe Flop
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Why did Lady Gaga wear seashells to the VMAs?
Because B-shells were too small.
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Why would you wear two pairs of pants while golfing?
You might get a hole in one.
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Why don't Brazilians wear condoms?
Because they all pull out.
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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka
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How do you identify the head waitress at a restaurant?
She's the one wearing knee pads.
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What clothes do Quakers wear?
Oat couture
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Why don't chickens wear pants?
Because their pecker is on their face.. Thank you, good night!
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What shoes do roosters wear?
Chickenstocks
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What do you get when you're bitten by a mosquito wearing a fedora?
M'laria
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Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant?
Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".
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Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear ?
Because they have electric 'eels !
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What does a Muslim redneck wear?
A murka
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What do you call an Asian wearing contacts?
Customization. GET IT CUSTOM EYES ASIAN!!!
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Why do Nuns always wear Black &?
White? No particular reason, it's just a habit they have.
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How do you know a woman is wearing tights?
Her knees swell up when she farts.
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How many kids do you think Wolverine has?
Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.
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What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim Denim. Denim
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What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a full suit, the dog just pants
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What are you supposed to be?
ME: I'm not wearing a costume
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What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See?
I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"
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Why were the camels wearing sandals?
To stop themselves sinking into the sand. Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on.
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What do you call a Muslim woman wearing oculur rift or a VR headset?
Stealth Bomber
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What kind of suit does a bee wear to work?
A: A buzzness suit!
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo jeans.
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Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?
Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich
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What do you call a crazy person wearing pantaloons?
A pantalunatic.
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What do you call a group of 5 guys named Curtis that are all wearing matching suits?
A Curtis-y flush
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How many letters can you wear on your feet?
10 E's
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What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
sneakers( iknow its old but its nice)
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What kind of jeans does mario wear ?
Denim denim denim
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What type of jeans do the Mario Brothers wear?
Denim denim denim
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Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling!
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Why does John Snow wear a Rolex ?
Because he's a man of the nice watch
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What does Bob Marley wear to sleep?
pa-jammins
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What do most people wear to court?
Law-suits
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Why did the golfer wear two pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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Why did the dog wear white sneakers ?
Because his boots were at the menders !
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What kind of underwear do the GI Joes wear?
None, they go commando.
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What do you call a dog wearing headphones?
Ear bud
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What type of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers
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What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A wash and wear wolf
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Why do black men wear baggy trousers?
Because their knee grows.
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What does a Pirate prefer to wear?
Doublet or nothing.
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What did the confused Mackem say when he discovered that he was smack bang in the middle of Newcastle?
I'm in the middle of *no Wear*
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What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?
Rudolph's red hose rain gear...
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What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray?
They are just OFF-full
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Why won't you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?
sigh "You're a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe." bathrobe sags dejectedly
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What does Snoop Lion do when he forgets to wear oven mitts?
Drops it like it's hot.
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What does a dog like to wear when it's exercising?
Pants.
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Why don't you wear snow boots?
A: Because they'll melt.
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Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
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Why do midgets not wear tampons?
They might trip on the string.
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!
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What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?
Flip-Flips.
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Why do Arabs wear thawbs?
Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away.
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What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you'd be there, too
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Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
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Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?
So he could save his stool.
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What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head?
The handycap.
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Why do monks wear such plain clothes?
It's a habit.
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What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?
Medium.
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Why do mermaids wear seashells for a bra?
Because "B" shells would be too small!
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Why do black people wear chains?
Nostalgia
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What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii?
Moo moos
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Why do most people from Russia wear track suits?
Because they are Russin'
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What do you call a black guy wearing an ankle bracelet?
A stay at home dad
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What is Madonna's least favourite band?
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
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Why do Tajikistani people wear trucker hats?
Cuz they're from Douche-anbe!
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Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
Because they peel.
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What do people wear when they go to a new planet?
Terraformal wear.
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What kind of tie does a pig wear ?
Pig's tie !
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Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: Because she grew out of her B shells.
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What kind of pants do the Super Mario Bros. wear?
Denim denim denim..... I'll see myself out.
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What do you call an Asian gangster wearing a blue bandana?
A rice crippy.
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What does a ghost wear when it's raining?
boooooooooooooots
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What do books wear on a rainy day?
Rain Quotes
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Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.
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What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?
Second fella says "A kilt of course!" First fella "What's the tartin " "She's wearing white" says his pal
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Why do mermaids wear bras?
To cover up their Ariel-as.
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What do you call a dog wearing a watch?
You would call it a dog. A dog wearing a watch is not a watchdog.
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Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday?
Chernobyl fallout.
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What should I wear?
Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."
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Why do hippies wear patchouli?
So blind people can hate them, too.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one.
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Why does Ariel wear seashells?
Because she can't fit into D shells
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What brand of underwear do zombies wear?
Haaaaaannnnnneeeeeessssss
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What did dela wear?
Delaware) A. Her New Jersey
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
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How do deaf people tell each other secrets ?
They wear mittens.
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What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?
Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.
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Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Just in case he gets a hole in one!
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Why do Nuns always wear the same thing?
It's a habit.
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What do flies wear on their feet?
A: Shoos.
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Why doesn't a chicken wear underwear?
Because his pecker is on his face!
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Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip of the broom. :)
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What is your favorite joke about women?
Q: Why don't women wear watches? A: Because there is a clock on the stove.
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Why didn't the car have a tire?
Because cars don't wear clothes.
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Why do women need to wear jockstraps while skydiving?
To prevent them from whistling.
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What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around?
A private investigator.
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What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland?
Wooden shoe like me to tell you. Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one
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Why did the hipster where a toque in the summer?
So he could say he wore it before it was cool.
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What's your favorite song?
Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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Why does Ariel the Mermaid wear seashells?
She grew out of her B - shells!
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How does water stay warm during the winter?
It wears an aqua-fur.
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Why did the golfer wear a extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one
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Why did the black man wear a suit to his vasectomy?
If he was going to be Impotent he wanted to look impotent. (important)
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What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
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Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because their sheep can hear zippers.
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code?
It's full of std vectors.
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Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?
Because he was barefooted!!!
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Why don't birds wear underwear?
Because, their pecker is on their head.
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Why'd the seaman cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock that day.
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What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?
Mash-scara!
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What brand of underwear did Jesus wear?
Fruit of the Womb
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Why nuns don't wear bras?
God supports everything.
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What kind of pants does Mario wear to work?
Denim denim denim p
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How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?
If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.
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Why is women's soccer so rare?
It's quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
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Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?
So they know where to stop shaving
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What does Oedipus the king's mother wear under her dress?
Q: what does Oedipus the king's mother wear under her dress? A: a Freudian slip
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What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map?
Incontinent
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What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A zebra!
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What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments?
Labs!
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What kind of shoes does bread wear?
Loafers.
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What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?
gt- () An investigator
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Why do mermaids wear seashell bras?
Because "B" shells are to small and "D" shells are too big.
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What do you wear when it's raining homophobia?
A straight jacket.
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What is the best thing to wear with a Michel Jackson jacket?
Your Billie Jeans
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Who Wears The Old Clothes Of Angela Merkel?
Angela Merkel.
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What happens when you wear radioactive Russian underpants?
Cher nob'll fall out.
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What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?
Flop-Flops :)
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Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.
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Why did the baby squirrel wear a diaper?
To hide his nuts!!
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Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!
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Why did I wear no jeans today?
my supply was short.
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What do you call jeans that haven't been worn before?
Vir-jeans
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What do older women wear?
Depends
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Why don't bears wear socks?
They have bear feet
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Why do kids with down syndrome wear shorts?
Because they have bad genes.
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What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Fillipe F'Lop
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What did the ghost wearing sox say?
Shhoooooooooooooeeeeeesss!! Shoooooooooooooooooose !
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Incase he got a hole in one. HEHE one of my favs. Whats your fav joke?
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Why to Native Americans wear Jockstraps?
TOTEM POLE!!
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What does a Super Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion?
A bow T.I.E.
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Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know " whenever you ask them a question.
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Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens
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What do nerdy mermaids wear?
Algae-bras
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Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head.
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Why do women wear white wedding dresses?
So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove
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Why do electricians wear pants?
Because they hate shorts.
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Why did Snake walk into the bar?
Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.
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What does 007 wear on his head?
A Bondana.
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Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?
To keep here legs closed.
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Why dont applebees employees wear watches?
Cuz theres a clock on the microwave
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What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
I can clearly see ur nuts.
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What's big and grey and wears a mask ?
The elephantom of the opera !
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Why do moslem girls love black guys?
more satisfaction at night for wearing a ninja suit all day.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?
They wear snowcaps.
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What kind of underwear does a person wear when buried?
Fruit of the tomb
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What type of pants do Japanese people wear?
Nihon-jeans (Nihon-jin)
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Who's there ! Caitlin ! Caitlin who ?
Caitlin you my trainers tonight I'm wearing them !
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Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy?
Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent."
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Why do brown women wear red dots on their heads?
Because they record everything. (I swear I made it up n I'm brown too)
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Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?
She was wearing mittens.
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Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?
Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
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What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?
Linen
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Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
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Why do hippies wear pachouli??
So blind people can hate them to
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What does an attorney wear to work?
A: A law suit.
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What do retards wear on their heads?
Handicaps
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Why do Scotsman wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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What is Mike Tyson's favorite thing for a woman to wear?
Thort thorts.
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Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
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Where's my Spiderman costume?
I want to wear it to the science museum "In your closet, why " 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!
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What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.
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Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?
Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
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What starts with N, has two Gs in the middle, and has no business wearing a pointy white hood?
Your noggin
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How do you know when a hippy chick is on the rag?
She's only wearing one sock.
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Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
So you can read her lips!
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How can you tell retarded kids form the art students?
Retards don't wear Black.