Light Jokes
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What's stronger, fifty watts of sound or fifty watts of light?
I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.
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Why do the police hate teenage fireflies?
They never stop lighting up.
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Why did you stop your car get out and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
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What's the Primary Directive in a nunnery (convent) ?
Lights out at nine, candles out at ten ...
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What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party?
A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.
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What's the deal with lampshades?
If your gonna turn on a light... Why shade it.
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How many Bros does it take to change a lightbulb?
None cuz it's already lit af
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Why do stoners love English?
Because it's lit
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How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan?
He was de-lighted
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Why did the wrestlers have to fight in the dark?
A: Their match wouldn't light.
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What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?
Rise up lights
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How many people from Svalbard does it take to change a light-bulb?
Light? What's that?
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Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?
Because it was raining cats and dogs. :D
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What does supervillain Black Man need to do to escape the crime scene?
Turn off all the lights.
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How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning?
A: She opens the car door.
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How many irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, One to hold the light and, one to drink until the room starts spinning!
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What's the fastest thing in Bulgaria?
Light
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What type of lights were on Noah's Ark?
You'd think it would be floodlights, but in reality it was the Israelites!
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What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ?
A tiger moth !
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Why did the light turn red?
You would too if you were caught changing in the middle of the street!
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How do Italians light their dynamite?
With a fuse-illi.
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How long has your car been doing that?
Me: Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
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What should you do if you see your TV floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.
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How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
You will find out when the light comes on.
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How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
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Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?
With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed
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What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?
Electricity.
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How do you make a cat woof?
soak it in gasoline and light it on fire... WOOF!
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How do you make a Cat sound like a Dog?
You pour some gasoline on it, light it on fire and it will go
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How to win an argument with a deaf girl?
Turn off the lights.
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Where do naughty rays of light go?
Prism (Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)
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What did the egg say when it got turned up?
Om-lit
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Why didn't the Photon have any luggage on the plane?
He was Travelling Light
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How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
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What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
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When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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How Many Running Backs Does It Take To Turn On A Light?
Two. One to find the switch...the other to hit it.
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How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?
By opening the car door.
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What does an egg say when he gets turnt?
Om lit cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.
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Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa?
Nelson Candela
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How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, mine itches so bad it's on fire, providing plenty of light for everyone in the room!
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Where does light go when it is convicted of a crime?
Prism
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How many Biebers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There are no light bulbs in the closet. Another one: Why is Justin Bieber so pale? Because there's no light inside the closet
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Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?
He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.
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How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.
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What is the difference between light and hard?
Well, you can sleep with a light on.
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What kind of math can you do with light?
Refractions
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Why is it fun to play with matches ?
They're lit.
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What screams, wails, and lights up?
A bus-load of babies on fire.
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How does an Australian shave?
Rise up lights
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What happens when the lights go out in a Chinese restaurant?
It'll Dimsum.
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How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?
Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.
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What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
Electricity.
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How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
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How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the room is already lit.
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Why do sovereign citizens never turn on the lights?
The sound of electricity triggers their PTSD.
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How many fams does it take to get the sky lit?
Just one sun
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When can you operate?
lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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How many Biebers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There are no light bulbs in the closet. Another one: Why is Justin Bieber so pale Because there's no light inside the closet
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Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?
Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...
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What's grey and lights up ?
An electric elephant !
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What sound does it make when you light a stick of dynamite in them middle of a sheep herd?
ssssssssssss boom! baaaaaaaah!
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How many people at a Music Festival does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero, its already lit
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How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.
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What lights up a football pitch at night?
A football match.......
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How many people does it take to screw in a light?
Two, but I don't know how they'll fit inside the bulb
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How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
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How does a blonde turn on the light after making love?
Opens the car door.
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How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Douse it with petrol and toss a lit match. WOOF!
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What's Alex's (from 'A Clockwork Orange') preferred type of light?
Ultraviolent
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How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
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Why did the moth go into the dentist's office?
The light was on.
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How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Light bulb.
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What do you do if the lights in a Chinese food restaurant are too bright?
Dim Sum.
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Who's there ! Brighton ! Brighton who ?
Brighton-der the light of the moon !
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How many guys in the friend zone does it take to light a light bulb?
None, they just stand around complimenting it, and get mad when it won't screw.
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Where does light go to jail?
prism
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How many Bros does it take to change a lightbulb?
None cuz it's already lit af
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary?
I don't know but when it sits on your electric wire and sings all your lights go out
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How is Ducktape like the Force?
It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds everything the galaxy together. Edit:Duct Tape I know, I was tired
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What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
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Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
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What is 32% black, 45% white... ...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night?
Chicago.
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How do you win a late night argument with your deaf wife?
You turn off the lights.
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How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who cares, because How Can Light Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real?
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What happened when fire and the wheel were invented?
People got lit and turnt.
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What kind of light makes the best US president?
A blinkin' light
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Why did the train get hit by lighting?
Because of the conductor.
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Why does light travel faster than sound?
Because some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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What happens when the Sun and the Moon get together?
They turn out the lights.
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Who turns the lights off at halloween ?
The light's witch !
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What did Russians use for light before candles?
Light bulbs
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How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.
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How many IT support techs does it take to change a lightbulb?
have you tried turning the light off and back on?"
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What's the main difference between light and hard?
I can go to sleep with a light on
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How did they light their cigarettes?
One man threw a cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
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What did the rude prism say to the beam of light that smacked into him?
Get bent!
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What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles?
A. Electricity.
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How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb?
We're not sure, they've yet to see the light.
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What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon?
The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.
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What is the most-ignored rule in a convent?
Lights out at nine, candles out at ten.
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What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.
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What happens when something travels faster than the speed of light?
Does it matter?
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Why did the lights go out?
Because they liked each other.
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What are red heads good for?
Lighting fires.
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How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Nobody knows, there's no light.
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Why do stop lights turn red?
You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.
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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?
Arrr son!
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What's the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist?
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees nothing. And the realist sees the train.
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What's the difference between hard and light?
I can sleep with a light on.
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What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?
Electricity.
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What do you call someone who doesn't know how to party?
Illiterate (il-lit-erate)
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Why can't Roman Reigns light a campfire?
Because he doesn't carry any matches!
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Why so?
The light bulb replies, "I'm a light headed!"
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Where can you find the speed of light?
At C level
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What is a NYC nanosecond?
If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.
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Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?
The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out
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How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
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How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?
Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof
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Which do you light first?
The match
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How many suh boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, its already lit fam. I cannot take credit for this due to being told this joke by a freind. He was in fact lit af.
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How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but when he unscrews the bulb, the lights go out and your xbox is gone.
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What lights up a football stadium ?
A football match !
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Why doesn't the sun pack it's bags?
Because it's traveling light!
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How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None 'cause it's already lit, fam.
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Why is the UK suddenly a happy place?
Because now they too have a day to light fireworks on!
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What do light and hard have in common?
You can sleep with a light on.
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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How about pets?
That's fine" dog walks in and lights up "We'll take it"
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Why is the Force like duct tape?
It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
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How many political parties does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the lightbulb, and the other to bask in the light of the old one.
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What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?
Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.
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How many indie kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
none because There is A Light That Never Goes Out.