Shoot Jokes
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What's the difference between a white guy and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't shoot up a school.
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What's in a Paul Walker shot ?
An Irish car bomb followed by a shot of Fireball
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Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
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What's the difference between Anders Breivik and a pro golfer?
Both were happy to shoot 69, but only Breivik went to jail.
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Why do black people like basketball?
Because it invovles running, shooting, and stealing.
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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?
Some people are against shooting guns.
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What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church?
A holey bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.
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How did the 5-year old girl fall off of the tire swing?
Somebody shot her.
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What do you call it when someone shoots a group of fish in a barrel?
A school shooting
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What does a dentist do in his free time?
Shoot lions.
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What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them?
A photographer.
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What's the difference between a Canadian and an American?
Canadian knows the difference between a school and a shooting range.
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How do you stop a dog from barking in July?
Shoot him in June.
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What to do when the black guy in front of you gets shot?
Stop laughing and reload.
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What do you call a Car Bomb shot with a shot of Fireball?
A Paul Walker.
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What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers?
Whedon?
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What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster?
A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
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What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug?
One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.
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What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...
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What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.
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Who does he shoot first?
The bystander with the camera.
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Why, what happened, officer?
He wasn't white and that wasn't right, we found he was black, and that was whack, so we shot him in the back.
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What do you do when you see your neighbour staggering in the back yard?
Shoot him again.
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How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy that's pushing it
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Why did the cop shoot the insomniac?
He was resisting a rest
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Why are the cops shooting so many black men?
There's plenty of Mexicans to shoot too. Yeah I'm going to hell for that one.
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What does a terrorist tell hes son?
Aim to the sky, maybe you'll shoot a plane.
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Why did the policeman shoot the empty LED?
It was a black one.
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How many Ferguson police does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just shoot the room for being black.
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What's the difference between spider man and superman?
peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.
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Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
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Why did Oscar Pistorius shoot his girlfriend in the bathroom?
Because he's one of the few people in World that couldn't kick down the door.
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What do you call a child who shoots with twigs at a PTSD victim?
TWIGERING
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How many girls a boy need to shoot a school?
None.
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What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world!
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What's the difference between Ann Coulter and shooting arrows at lovers?
Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.
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Why did the police shoot the black insomniac?
He resisted a rest.
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What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now
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Why did the police officer shoot himself in the face?
He had a black eye.
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What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?
I wouldn't shoot heroin.
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How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun?
Shoot the people pushing it.
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Why did that guy shoot up the church in South Carolina?
He thought it was the white thing to do.
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How do you stop an Albanian tank?
You shoot the guy pushing it.
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Why do people shoot up schools?
Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service.
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What does it sound like to shoot yourself in the foot twice?
Pao! Pao!
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How do you stop a North Korean tank?
Shoot the guy driving the cardboard box.
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What happens when a feminist shoots a gun?
The gun gets triggered.
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What did the police officer say to the zoo keeper?
Yeah I get it, I shoot monkeys on sight too.
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How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?
Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.
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How do you shoot a unique deer?
You-neak up on it and shoot it. Credit: Grandpa Clifford
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What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?
The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
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What do you do when you see a black man lying on the floor?
You stop laughing and shoot him again.
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What do selfies make me want to do?
Shoot myself
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Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to?
A: Heck
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How many girlfriend does a white boy need to shoot a school?
None.
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What's the difference between a football player and a bank robber?
The bank robber says: Give me the money or I will shoot! The football player says: Give me the money or I won't shoot.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.
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How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in?
If most people leave before shooting starts.
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What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?
1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired
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Why are criminals so good at basketball?
They shoot first and ask questions later.
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What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots but can't hit, and the other...
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How many Missouri Police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just shoot the room for being black.
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Why was the rabbit hopping in circles?
Because I shot its leg off.
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How do you stop a Polish battletank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
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What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?
A Tupac...
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Why do all black men have nightmares?
The one with a dream was shot.
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Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ?
If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete, you'd be shot on the spot.
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Why did the rapper die after being shot?
He forgot 2pac his bullet proof vest
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What do you do when you see an enemy with half a face?
Reload and shoot again!
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Why is a shooting star better than a hamburger?
It's meteor.
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Why did Tigger shoot Pooh?
He had an itchy Tigger finger
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Why did John Lennon get shot?
because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko.
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Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?
A: So he could shoot his mouth off.
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Why does the american loose at billard ?
Beacause he always shoots at the black one.
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How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?
One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.
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How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?
None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.
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What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?
Recoil
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What did Courtney Love say before shooting Kurt Cobain?
Hole is going to be huge!
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How many communists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One guy to screw in the light bulb, and the other guy to shoot him if he doesn't do it right.
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Which fairy tale character would be most likely to be shot by the police?
An un-armed gingerbread man
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Why do black people play basketball?
Because it teaches them how to shoot, run and steal.
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What happened to the gun that kept randomly shooting?
He got fired.
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Why don't black people dream?
The last black man to have a dream got shot.
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Why were the yearbook students expelled?
They shot the whole school.
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What did Courtney Love say before she shot Kurt?
Hole is gonna be huge."
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What do you call a barn full of black people?
A police shooting range.
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What do you call a shooting at a Mexican golf course?
A hole in Juan
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What's the most casual crime you can commit?
Shooting the breeze.
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How many Ricks from TWD does it take to change a light bulb?
Carl gets shot in the face.
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Why did Bowie die?
I guess he was shot through the heart
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Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
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Why is he 50m from where he got shot?
Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history"
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What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?
Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".
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What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?
Shoots him 8 times in the black.
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Who Shot JR ?
by U Dunnit
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What goes clop clop clop - BANG! BANG! BANG! - clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting
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Why are black people so good at basketball?
Cause all they know to do is steal, run, and shoot
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What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?
Shoot for the Tsars.
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What is similar between students with mental health issues and nurses giving vaccinations?
They both tend to shoot up schools.
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Why did u shoot ur wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
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What do you call a fake psychic who was found out and now shoots up in ditches?
A high medium low
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How'd you die?
I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."
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Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables?
Because they're meteor
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What's the difference between a basketball player and a mexican?
Nothing, they both run, jump, shoot and steal.
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How do you get two rednecks to play Banjo in unison?
Shoot the first one.
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How do you stop an Armenian tank?
You shoot the guys pushing it.
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How many Police Officers does it take to handcuff one man?
Nine, Eight to shoot him and one to say he was very dangerous
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What happens when you shoot a black man?
You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
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Why do black people like the NBA?
It's the only sport where you can shoot, steal and run!
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What do you call shooting yourself in the face with jiz?
Homo-cide
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How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just shoot the room for being black.
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How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?
One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.
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Why did the photographer get arrested?
He was charged with shooting kids and framing the parents.
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What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?
Haram Bay
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How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!
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How do you stop a taliban tank ?
Shoot the Guy Pushing it
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Why Don't Black People like Country Music?
Because everytime theres a Hoedown, they think one of their sisters got shot.
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What do cops and sports photographers have in common?
They get paid to shoot black men.
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Why didn't the police shoot the polarbear who was wandering peacefully around the streets?
Because he was white.
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What do you call a gorilla that got shot even though it didn't want to do anything wrong?
King Kong
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What's with people thinking white people shoot up schools?
I'm white and I have only shot up like 2 schools.
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Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?
White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
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How many stormtroopers does it take to change a glowpanel?
2. One to change it, and another to shoot him and take the credit.
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What would you do?
Two policemen call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?" "Yes?" "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean." "Have you arrested the woman?" "No sir. The floor is still wet.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drownng?
Shoot him before he hits the ground
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Why can't a policeman win a game of pool?
Because he always shoots the black one first.
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Why did the blind man walk into a wall?
Somebody shot his dog
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Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?
Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"
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How do you stop a mexican tank?
You shoot the guy pushing it.
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How would America win gold medals in shooting for the Olympics?
They take their prison population and school population to Rio.
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What should you do if you see your TV floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.
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What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?
Both were shot before a live audience.
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How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in one to watch and one to shoot the witness.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
A: Because Donald ducked.
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Why don't black cops shoot unarmed white kids?
Because they'd get in trouble.
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What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date?
He got shot down.
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What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer?
A hole in Juan
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Why was Leia disappointed on her wedding night?
Han shot first.
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Why are drug addicts bad at billiards?
Because they only pay to shoot up the eight ball
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What did the policeman do to his fear of the dark?
He shot it.
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What do you say to a man with no legs?
Nothing, he'll shoot you.
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Why is cupid bad at basketball?
When he shoots, someone else scores.
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Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?
To see who shot his "paw."
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How do you change the light bulb in the dark?
You don't. The police shoot you.
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Why did the mirror have holes in it?
A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.
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Why do Democrats push for more gun control?
Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
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What is large and grey and shoots tourists in Africa?
An elefanatic, of course.
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Who often shoots in the wrong direction?
Clint Westwood
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What sound does an Italian make when you shoot him?
Wop
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What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there?
Spawn camper.
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Why are rubber tires black?
So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
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What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?
One of them got shot for touching a kid.
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What is the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man is shot?
The Secret Service
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Why did the Chinese man fall down the stairs?
He was shot in the face.
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Who Shot First? Boba Fett or Jango Fett?
Han Solo
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What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the backyard?
Shoot her again.
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What do you do when you miss your ex?
Reload and shoot again.
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What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be?
A 'Miley Cyprus'. Dear god, shoot me.
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How are Harambe memes keeping up?
Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.
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Why did the drunk Mexican shoot his wife?
Tequilher
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What do you call a police officer that shoots black people?
A police officer in America.
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Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was
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What stars go to jail?
Shooting stars.
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What's the difference between the US and Russian Presidents?
US presidents get shot while Russian presidents take shots.
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Where's Jim?
He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim* All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies
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What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?
One was shot for playing with little children.
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Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!
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Why are American police officers so bad at snooker?
They always shoot the black
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot before he hits the water.
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Why did the stutterer get shot in the ghetto?
He was asking for directions for the "k-k-k-mart."
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Whats red, white, and hangs from a telephone pole?
A dead baby shot out of a snowblower.
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What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city?
A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon... (I'm not sorry...)
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Why didn't the white officer shoot the black guy?
Just kidding he did
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Why did Mickey Mouse get shot in the foxhole?
Because Donald ducked.
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Why did the Space Marine shoot the Tailor?
The heretic kept crossing the warp
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Why can't a feminist shoot a gun?
They can't handle the triggers.
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Why does the zoo only have dogs?
Because they shot the gorilla
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How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
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How do you make two Oboists play in tune with one another?
Shoot one of them.
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Why don't black people sleep?
Because the only one that had a dream was shot.
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Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon?
Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.
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What does Tupak Shakur have in common with Lethal Weapon 4?
Both were shot in Vegas
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What is the difference between Elliot Rodgers and Malaysia Airlines?
Malaysia Airlines only has been shot down once.
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Whore that was shot by a sniper?
360 hoscope
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What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?
Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."
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Why do hunters close one eye before shooting?
Because if they close the other, they can't see!
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What'd you do this weekend?
I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino " *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
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How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun. You hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun Edit: My 5 year old nephew loves this joke.
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What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot?
Mitosis
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Why was the actor detained by airport security?
He said he was in town to shoot a pilot.
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Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?
They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.
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What goes *clip-clop-clip-clop-BANG-clip-clop-clip-clop*?
An Amish drive by shooting.
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How many Ferguson police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None... they just shoot the room for being black.
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Why did the kid fall out of the tree?
I shot him Why did the second kid fall out I stapled them together Why did the third kid fall out Peer pressure
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Why did the cop cross the road?
To shoot a black kid.
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What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
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How did Brandon Lee's wife get pregnant?
The prop guy said he was shooting blanks!
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What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets?
The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.
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Whats white and likes to shoot?
Kevin Nash
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Why's Guantanamo Bay full of actors?
Because they all shot pilots.
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Why do Black People hate country music?
Because when they hear "Hoe Down" they think their sister got shot.
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Why did u shoot your wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot your wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
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Why did the captain execute the pastry chef?
Because his orders were to shoot all desserters.
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Why do neutrons shoot through dense material, but get reflected by softer material during Radiography?
Have always been curious of this.
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What's the difference between a gun and amnesia?
Oh shoot, I forgot...
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What did the type setter sing while he worked?
I shot the seriff, but I did not shoot the deputy!
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What did the werewolf say when he got shot with a silver bullet?
Oooooooowwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooo. He howled while saying ow pretty much
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What does Tupac Shakur and Oceans 13 have in common?
They were both shot in Vegas!