Tree Jokes
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What are bananas high in?
Trees!
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What did the math major say to himself when he discovered that he was no longer a sapling?
Gee, I'm a tree.
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Why should trees never sign birthday cards?
Because they're always so *Sappy*!
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What time do Lumberjacks take their tea-break?
TREE O'clock!
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Why do elephants hide behind trees?
To trip ants.
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What does Johnny Depp say when cutting down trees?
TIMBUUUUUUUURTON
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What did you hear about the tree who was in love?
He pined everyday.
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Why are the streets of France lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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Why do Hippies love Didgeridoo?
It is as close as they can get to making love to a tree.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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Why do dinosaurs climb trees?
There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.
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How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree?
Boy trees have woodpeckers.
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How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu (joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this)
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What did a tree say to another tree?
Nothing, trees can't talk!
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How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
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Whats the difference between a noose and a leash?
How high you tie it on a tree.
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What happens to all the unsold christmas trees?
A Total TreeCull. Basically, on the evening of December 25th, every christmas tree salesperson does the trees
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What chews on trees and sings?
Justin Beaver
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What's the biggest type of tree?
A Country.
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What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice 'gnawing' you!
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What type of tree doesn't remove active torrents?
A tree.
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What do you call a group of trees?
A communitree
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What do you call a tree if you don't know what kind of tree it is?
It's a mystery.
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Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
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Why do black people have darker skin than other people?
Because, similar to leaves fallen from a tree, black people are dead inside.
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Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?
A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
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What trees do skeletons like?
S*pine* trees!
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How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
You wave.
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What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?
bored. haha
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What did the chopped wood say to the tree?
Run!
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What do you call money that grows on trees?
Marijuana
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Why shouldn't you have a conversation under a tree in the fall?
There may be leavesdropping
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Why does Harlem have so many trees?
Public transportation.
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Why did the dog scratch itself against the tree?
Ruff Bark
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What do you call 20 lesbians in a tree?
A Country
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When is the month when the most trees fall?
Sep-timber
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What's big, white, and can't climb a tree?
A refrigerator.
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How are black people and apples similar?
They both look good hanging from trees
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What do you call a tree that lost its family in a forrest fire?
Mourning wood
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How did the pollock die raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
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What's a dogs favorite part of a tree?
Stick? BARK!
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What's white and can't climb a tree?
A refrigerator. Sorry.
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Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?
He was stumped.
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What's black and hanging from a tree in my backyard right now?
A black berry.
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How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?
You talk to him!
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What did the tree say to the math teacher?
Gee I'm a tree!
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Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree?
Because they're stuck up
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Who is the president of the trees?
BarkOak Palma
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Which trees have the most friends?
The poplar ones.
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What do you call a man who cuts down trees?
A tree feller.
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Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was dead.
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Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
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What do you call trees that grow in Tobago?
Tobogany.
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What do Trees do in Autumn?
Take a Leaf of absence.
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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Why are Trees never invited to a formal dinner ?
They only wear Trunks.
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What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear down from a tree?
Camembert!
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What happened to the tree when the lumber jack hit on it?
It got all sappy
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When is a tree it's loudest?
When it begins to bark.
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Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure
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What crime did the tree commit to be put in tree jail?
Treeson
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What did the tree say when it messed up?
A: It was an oakcident.
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of the tree bark.
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What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark
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How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven at three fifty tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers. Edit:summoning happened.
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How did the tree get on to Reddit?
It just logged on...
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Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out
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What did the tree say to the lumberjack?
I'm falling for you
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What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?
Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.
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Why are hippies against capitalism?
Because money doesn't grow on trees.
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What is your line of business?
Me mumbling: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.
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What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree?
Whoa did you hear that?
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How does an elephant go up a tree?
It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
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What's green and hangs from trees?
Elephant snot. Funniest part is seeing people's reaction when you tell it.
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What kind of tree smells like bacon?
Original ) A Porcupine!
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How do you get someone with downs syndrome out of a tree?
Wave at them.
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Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
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Which trees miss you the most?
Pine trees
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What do you call a tree from Tulsa?
A: An oakie.
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What did the tree say to autumn?
Leaf me alone.
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What the best way to cut down a tree?
A Suhhh Dude
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What's blue and white and sits up a tree?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
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What do the trees say when it rains?
Oh, what a relief!
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What's the definition of a tree?
Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
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How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
You wave hello!
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What do blacks and apples have in common?
If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree. Da ho, no I didnt.
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Why do trees shed their leaves in fall?
Because they've had their chloro-fill.
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How did Tarzan get his cry?
As he was about to swing to the next tree he said, "OK, Cheeta, hang on anywhere".
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What kind of people should you stay away from?
Trees. They're quite shady.
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What do you call a man in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager.
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How does a neckbeard greet a tree?
Good day, m'hogany'
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What did the tree say to the mountain?
A: Stop peaking at me.
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Why are there so many trees along the Champs-lyses?
Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
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How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?
Wave to him!
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Why does Paris have tree lined streets?
Because the German army likes to march in the shade.
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What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert!
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Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ?
Because you can't bury them in trees !
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What does the tree says in autumn ?
Leaf me alone.
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What do Trees and Dogs have in common?
Bark.
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What falls faster from a tree? A leaf or an emo?
The leaf, the rope stops the emo.
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Why do pigs run into trees?
To shake out the alligators. I've never seen an alligator In a tree. That's because the pigs do such a good job.
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How do you make a hotdog with a tree?
You fold it
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Why was the tree stretching?
So it could be timber!
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What kind of tree is a must?
An obliga-tree.
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What did the dog say to the two trees?
Bark bark.
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Whats the fastest way to cut down a tree?
Suh Dude
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Why so the French line their streets with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade
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Why was the tree in prison?
Because it broke every branch of the law.
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How can transportation be improved in Harlem??
By moving the trees closer together.
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How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener
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What's the difference between a Confederate flag and a black person?
There is none Southerners both hang them from trees.
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How do frat boys cut down trees?
With a sah, dude
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How do trees access the internet?
They log on
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Why did the kid fall out of the tree?
I shot him Why did the second kid fall out I stapled them together Why did the third kid fall out Peer pressure
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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
The Germans like shade
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What lives in a tree and is dangerous?
A crow with a machine gun.
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What is your favorite dumb joke?
Mine would have to be Why did sally fall out of the tree? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not sally.
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Why did the Millennium Falcon hot a tree?
Because Han was flying so low.
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Why does the KKK like christmas?
Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.
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Why did the tree keep getting grounded?
Because it was s knotty pine!
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How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
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What emotion does a tree feel every spring?
Relief
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Why did the tree go to jail?
Treason
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What do a squirrel and a piano have in common ?
Both can climb trees, except the piano
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Why did the cop climb the tree?
He worked for a special branch.
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What does Johnny Depp yell when a tree falls in the forest?
Timbuuuuuurrrrrrrrton!
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What happens when a lumberjack doesn't know which tree to cut next?
He gets stumped.
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How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD
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Why are riddles about trees so hard?
Because they always leave you stumped!
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What do trees take when they have a headache?
Aleve.
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Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?
Because he thought it wood look better!
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What do you call a digital video recorder that cuts down trees and builds dams?
A bvr
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Why did I carve a heart with me and my boyfriends initials into a tree?
To sharpen the knife
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What is green and pecks on trees ?
Woody Wood Pickle !
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What did one tree say to the other?
Nothing. They bark.
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What did the lumberjack see?
He saw a tree.
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How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
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What does a tree do when it wants to go home?
It leaves.
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How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Monkeys screw in trees.
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How do you get a black guy out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
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What do a racist and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree
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What's the difference between a baby and a tree?
Trees don't bleed when you cut their limbs off.
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What did the tree do when he got really nervous?
He SOILed his pants I'llseemyselfout...
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Why does lightning always strike trees?
They are the path of leaf resistance.
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Why did the tree have lots of fans?
Because he was Poplar!
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What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you.
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What did the squirrel say when he fell out of the tree and broke his leg?
AAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
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What's big and white and sits in a tree?
A fridge. What's big and white and blue and sits in a tree A fridge wearing jeans.
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What do people and trees have in common?
They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
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Why are there trees in Harlem?
Public Transport
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Why did the sheriff arrest the tree?
Because its leaves rustled.
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What kind of trees watch kids in Mexico?
Baby cedar
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What do you call a tree that hates this joke?
A face palm.
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How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them
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What's the exchange rate for pigs and trees?
A porcupine.
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What's harder than nailing 10 dead babies to a tree?
Nailing one dead baby to 10 trees.
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How do you get a one armed man off a tree?
You wave to him
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Who hits the ground first?
Better question would be: Why were they in the tree in the first place?
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Why did they give a megaphone to the dog who couldn't climb a tree?
Because he couldn't bark
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What kind of tree would have the best bark?
Dogwood. Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P
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Who lands first?
The Italian. The black is tied to the tree.
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What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
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What did the tree say while it was being transplanted?
Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!
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Whats white and cant climb trees?
A fridge --
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How did the newfie injure himself raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree
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What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be?
A 'Miley Cyprus'. Dear god, shoot me.
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How do you get a one armed polack out of a tree?
Wave hello
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How did the Idiot break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
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What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree?
Branch Manager
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Why was the marshmallow stuck to the tree?
It was taped.
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What is grey, very big and when it falls out of a tree the stove breaks?
The stove.
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What's the difference between a leper and a tree?
A tree has limbs.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.
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How did the lumberjack keep his business from falling behind when all the trees ran out?
By moving faux wood. Rimshot
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What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.
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Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys.
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What do you call a tree that protects Gotham City?
Spruce Wayne
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Why did Batman climb the tree?
He was looking for Robin's nest.
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When does a tree want less?
When it's sycamore.
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What does a tree do when it goes on vacation?
It packs its trunk and leaves.
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How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
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How do you make a cat bark?
Wrap it around a tree
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What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
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What is one of the funniest simple joke you have ever heard?
Literally... made you die laughing e.g. Why did the monkey fall of the tree bc it died e.g. How do you keep an idiot in suspense
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What do you call a tree that smokes weed?
Snoop Log
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What type of tree hates company?
Sycamore trees!
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How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
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Why do black people despise environmental studies?
A:Cause they always get hung up on trees.
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What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand?
A PALM TREE!!!
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What's white and can't climb trees?
A Refrigerator
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What do you get when you scare a tree?
Petrified wood.
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Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
It died.
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How can you tell you are in a math teacher's garden?
All the trees have square roots.
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What's the name of the tree that gives mexicans?
The scaffolding
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How does an elephant climb a tree?
A: He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.
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What's yellow has long ears and grows on trees?
The Easter Bunana!
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What falls down faster from a tree, a leaf or an emo?
A leaf. The rope catches the emo.
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When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land?
Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!
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How do you get a goth down from a tree?
Cut the rope
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What do you call a Polish chicken stuck in a tree?
Poll tree!
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A cat-a-logue !
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Why is the Champs-Elysees lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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How do trees encourage one another?
They say "I'm rooting for you"
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What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation?
He packs his trunk and leaves. I should go back to studying now. K bye.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Why did Sarah fall out of the tree?
Because she had no arms. Knock-knock! "Who's there " Not Sarah.
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What do you call a plant that doesn't move?
A tree.
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What kind of tree likes a high five?
A palm tree
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Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it
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Which popstar cuts down trees?
Michael LumberJackson
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What is the outside of a tree called?
Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.
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How do the trees get on the internet?
They log on.
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What types of trees never get Christmas presents?
Knotty Pines.
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Why is it called an "almond" in the tree but an "amond" when it falls to the ground?
When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.
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Why was the blonde in the tree?
A. Because she was raking up the leaves!
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What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.
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What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
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Why does the forest stink during a storm?
Because the trees break wind.
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Why did the parrot fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
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Why did they plant trees in Harlem?
Public transportation.
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What happened to the tree after it caught fire?
It became entally handicapped
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What type of trees do chickens grow on?
Poul-trees
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Why do pigs have flat snouts?
From running in to trees.
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What did the tree do when the bank closed?
It started its own branch
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What did the one tree say to the other tree?
I'd best be leafing.
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What does a tree say after it gets knocked over by the wind?
I went out on a limb.
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How'd the monkey fall out of the tree. He was dead. How'd the next second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first monkey! How'd the Third monkey fall out of the tree. Peer Pressure.
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What is green, fuzzy and very deadly if it falls on you out of a tree?
A pool table.
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What do you do when you stumble upon a one-armed Polish man stuck in a tree?
You wave!
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Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
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What's white and fuzzy and lives high up in the trees?
A Meringue - a - tan.
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How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Untie the rope...
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What tree gives the best high-fives?
A PALM tree!
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How are lawyers and apples similar?
They both look good hanging from a tree
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Why can't Jamaicans count to 10?
Because there's a *tree* in the way!
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
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Where's the best place to hide an elephant?
Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?
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What famous person is a huge fan of trees?
Tim ber"ton
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How did they improve the transportation in Harlem?
Moved the trees closer together.
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Why are there so many trees along the Champs-Elysees?
Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
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Why did Pete Carroll find Marshawn Lynch in a tree?
I'm just here so I don't get find."
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Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?
German soldiers like to march in the shade.
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Why are branches attached to trees?
Because they stick
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What did the lumberjack say to the trees?
Run, Forest, run!
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What's worse than having 10 babies nailed to a tree?
One baby nailed to 10 trees...
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How does an elephant get down from a tree ?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
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How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
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How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave at him
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How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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How do you improve public transportation in Ferguson, MI?
Move the trees closer together.
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What falls faster from a tree, a leaf or an Emo?
The leaf, the Emo is too depressed to go outside. I saw this joke reposted so many times. I figured I'd mix it up a bit.
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How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Why is the Champs-lyses lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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What do you call a big, dumb, slow guy who cuts down trees?
A lumbering oaf.
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What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees?
A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it's funny)
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How do trees get online?
They just log in...
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Why didn't the tree like to play checkers?
Because it was a chesnut tree.
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How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
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Why could the french man not count to four?
He could not get past the tree!
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What's blue and white and can't climb trees?
A fridge with a denim jacket on
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Why are the streets in Paris lined with trees?
So the German soldiers can march in shade.
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What's red, white and sits in a hole in a tree?
A sanitary owl
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What's worse than a baby stapled to a tree?
A baby stapled to ten trees.
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Where do trees keep their money?
In branch banks.
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Why was the cat scared of the tree?
Because of its bark
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What did the flower say about the tree heading to the sky?
He's on route.
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Why are there so many trees in Harlem?
For public transportation.
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Why couldn't the tree answer the trivia question?
It was stumped.
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Why does a dinosaur climb a tree?
To get in his nest.
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Why didn't the tree get any presents for Christmas?
He was knotty.
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What kind of tree has the best bark?
A dogwood
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What do you call a black man in a tree?
Branch Manager
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Why don't I like trees?
They look kinda shady to me
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Why is a toothless dog like a tree?
It has more bark than bite.
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Why did the monkey fall of the tree?
Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.