Drive Jokes
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What should you do when your ex-girlfriend stands in the spotlights?
Drive faster.
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What do you get in the Netherlands, when you fail your driving test three times?
A yellow license plate.
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When are you going to learn to drive?
I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
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Why are Muslims so good at driving at night?
Because that's when they brake fast.
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Who's driving?
Immigration.
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What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?
A LOCOmotive.
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What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
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What is 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy when they see it?
An empty toilet paper roll.
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What's the difference between a 4WD and a rental car?
A rental car can drive anywhere.
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Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Because they both drove Edgar Allen Poe straight into the grave.
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Why are Asians bad at golf?
They don't know how to drive.
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What do you call a trucker that doesn't drive anymore?
Semi-retired.
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Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?
They were both driving their cars at the time !
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What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving?
For me it's three weeks.
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What side of the road do they drive on in ireland?
None. They're so drunk and violent no one is allowed to drive.
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Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor?
Because he had no arms or legs. Why Because he is a potato.
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Why did nobody in the Soviet Union drive manual cars?
They were afraid of Stalin'
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Why a giraffe got arrested while driving?
Coz he was high :D
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?
He was always Stalin in his manual!
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Why do blind people always laugh at jokes?
Same as why they don't drive. They never see it comming.
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What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild ?
A 100$ bill
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What's the hardest part of golf for asians?
Driving
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What do girls and snowflakes have in common?
They can't drive cars.
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When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there
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Why couldn't stevie wonder drive the bus?
There's no steering wheel in the back of the bus.
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Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
Because he was driving her buggy.
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What's the worst part about driving Ford off a cliff?
Ford was my best friend.
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Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada?
It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto
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What car does Jesus drive?
A Chrysler
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Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?
Because their wives are driving.
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What car does Woody drive?
AUDI ADUI ADUI!
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How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball it drives them nuts!
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Why are so many Koreans named Park?
Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes.
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Why does wonder woman fly?
Because she can't drive for sh*t.
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What do black people drive?
house prices down
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Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car?
He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.
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Why are boats being driven into the side of the lake?
It's ram a dam
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How to make your wife take care while driving?
Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.
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What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?
Are ye alright in the back there lads?
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What happens when you text while driving?
I don't know, I've never tri
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What kind of car does Yoda drive?
A Toy-Yoda
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Why can't Saudi woman drive?
There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.
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Why is Sammy Hagar such a bad golfer?
He can't drive 55.
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What car does Catwoman drive?
A Purrgeot.
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What do driving and dating have in common?
Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
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What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul?
Korea driven.
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What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
A road hag.
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Why did the siamese twins moved to England?
So the other one would also drive
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How do you keep your hair from blowing everywhere when you drive in a convertible?
Cross your legs
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What drives the hype train?
The hyper drive.
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Why do blondes drive VWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
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Why did Renault name a car "Le Car"?
So customers wouldn't accidentally drive Le Lawnmower to work.
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Who drives it?
The officer.
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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
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Why can't woman drive?
Because there are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!!
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When driving through fog what should you use?
A: Your car.
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Why do Mexican cars have such small steering wheels?
So they can be driven while handcuffed.
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What's sad about three black guys driving over a cliff in a Cadillac?
They were my friends :(
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What car do rich black people drive?
A Countach
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What do you call a car that you only drive in the fall?
An autumn-mobile.
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How can you drive so recklessly?
Driver: I have to this is a getaway car.
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What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus
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What car does Boba Fett drive?
A ManDeLorean.
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How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick?
cause their cars are always Stalin
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What do Driving Testers and Vegetarians have in common?
They are both very pedantic
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Why can it be so annoying to drive a Skoda?
The Czech engine light is always on.
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How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground?
I thought Asian women couldn't drive ಠಠ
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What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive!
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Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?
The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
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What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.
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What do blind people drive?
A cataract.
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Why should a good driver always carry weed in his car?
So he always hits the green when he's driving.
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What's the difference between driving a car on an empty tank of gas and having diarrhea?
One you're running on fumes, the other you're fuming with the runs.
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Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car?
Rex (made this one up myself!)
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What is so bad about being half black and half asian?
You can steal a car but you can't drive it.
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Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car?
on all conditions) Because their drivers keep crashing.
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Why is Hellen Keller bad at driving?
Because she's dead.
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Who is driving?
A cop.
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What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons?
Arr! It's driving me nuts!
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Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past?
It had a SPOILER on it.
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What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
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What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software?
Getting McCafe on McAfee
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What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on?
steer clear
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Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the one on the right could drive for a change.
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Why does the Buick Century have that name?
It's the average age of someone who drives one.
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How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?
Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.
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Why is a beer like a woman?
After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
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What's with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?
The pirate says, "Argh!! I don't know but it's driving me testicles!!!"
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Who drives away all of his customers?
A taxicab driver.
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Why did the Siamese Twins travel to England?
So the other one could drive
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Who me?
Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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When I see a "How am I driving?
sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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What car do insects drive?
A Volkswagen automobile.
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Why do girls prefer to drive auto cars, instead of manual?
Because they want the D.
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What do I look for in a car?
A sound-proof cabin so I can sing every rap lyric regardless of the neighborhood I'm driving through.
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Why do americans get manuals when buying a new car?
I thought they only drive automatic
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What cars do wolves drive?
Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!
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Why Russians never drive stick shift?
They really hate Stalin
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Why did the witch get a car with manual transmission?
Because she prefers to drive stick!
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What type of car would Jesus drive?
A Chrysler
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Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
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How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
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Why can't Michael Jackson drive backwards in a car?
Cause he's dead.
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What is 90-60-90?
Speed while driving past a speed camera.
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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff?
A Good Start.(http://www.youtube.com/watch v=obKLdou0LH0)
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How did a blind woman drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.
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What kind of cars do jedis drive?
A toy-
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What did one fish ask the other?
So how do you drive this thing
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Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?
It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.
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Why are you on this bus?
Aren't you supposed to be driving around in a car "
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Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff?
He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
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Why are locomotive drivers so good at driving locomotives?
Because they were trained.
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Why does a redneck hold a knife while driving?
So he can cut corners.
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What's the difference between a drunk driver, and a stoned driver?
The drunk driver will drive right through a stop sign. The stoned driver will stop and wait for it to turn green.
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What car do dogs drive?
A Doge charger
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What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?
the pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"
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Why does Saudi Arabia have so much oil?
Because the women are not allowed to drive.
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What can hunger do that a woman simply can't?
Drive me to the grocery store.
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What do you call a koala that drives?
A koalafied driver! *badum-tis*
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What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say?
Argh it's driving me nuts!"
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How do you know when you're too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and realize it was your air freshener
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What do the Montreal Canadians drive?
Carrs.
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Why did Jesus have to walk everywhere?
He drove a Ford.
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What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?
A right a right a right!
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What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A Christler.
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What kind of car did Jesus drive?
a manual.
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What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Asian?
A car thief who can't drive
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Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..?
Because he Kant drive Immanuel.
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Who's gonna drive her?
That's right. You.
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What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast?
Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww
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What's something you can drive, but also throw?
A Fit!!!!!!!!!!
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Who's to blame?
The motorist. He really shouldn't be driving in the kitchen. (Edit: formatting)
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How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top 10 below Where would you like to go Get in. Get in the Spider Van.
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Whose fault is it?
His fault. He shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
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Why are you driving in a bathing suit?
Motorist: I'm in a car pool.
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How am I driving?
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn't my car.
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Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
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Why do lazy people only drive automatics?
Because they're shiftless.
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What do Hispanic parents say to teach their son to drive?
Jesus, take the wheel!
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Whats the best place to drive to in Iowa?
The Middle. That way, you're always driving out of Iowa.
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What do pigs drive?
Pig-up trucks!
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Who's at fault ?
the man, he should't have been driving in the kitchen.;3
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What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
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Whoa. There are books on TAPE?
Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.
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Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
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What is the difference between a women driving strawberries?
None, both are collect in a field.
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What is the cheapest date ever?
Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.
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What do you call an Arab man who drives a bus?
A bus driver.
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Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive?
A: Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What's the best way to hunt for deer?
Driving at midnight.
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What happens when you mock the host of Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives?
The guy gets fierious.
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What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?
Do you know how to drive this thing "
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Why did the midget who drove British cars get cabin fever?
He was mini cooped up for to long.
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What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?
One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.
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What did the pirate say with the steering wheel in his pants?
Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!
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What did Kurtis Blow tell his son when teaching him how to drive?
THESE are the brakes!
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How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
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Why cant russians drive stick?
Because they are always Stalin!
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Why do feminists only drive cars with automatic transmissions?
It pains them to have standards.
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What's the fastest way to drive through Louisiana?
Drive the route with Les Miles! ... I'll see myself out.
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What happens when two self-driving cars crash into each other?
RECALCULATING....*
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Who drives away all his customers ?
A taxi driver.
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What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
deez nuts
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Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?
Because you only need one arm to drum along..
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What is the best music to air drum to while driving?
Def Leppard, because you can keep on hand on the wheel.
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Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he's a dog. Dogs cannot drive.
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Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A1: Because they can spell it. A2: Because they can spell BWM.
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Why shouldn't you post to Reddit while driving?
becau
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Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A taxi driver
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Who's there ! Bark ! Bark who ?
Bark you car on the drive !
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Whats six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
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What's yellow and black and makes you laugh?
A school bus full of black people driving off a cliff
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Who's driving the car?
Theres a muslim a mexican and black guy in a car, whos driving .. **The cops**
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How Am I Driving' sign* *Panics* Hello?
There's a problem. Your driver doesn't understand how he's driving
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What's the similarity between an Asian and Spongebob?
Both are yellow and can't drive.
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a Ford?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
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What's four inches long and drives women crazy?
A 100 dollar bill you pervert!
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Why do women only use putters while playing golf?
Because women can't drive.
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Why cant asians drive?
Because cars takes you from A to B
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When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why?
They are out standing in the field
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Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?
Me: Kidding At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
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What pizza chain does Michael J. Fox drive for?
No, not Shakey's you insensitive person. Besides having a crippling disability rendering him unable to drive without risk of damage to the pizza, he is also a B-list celebrity worth many hundreds of thousands of dollars.
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Why does Heisenberg hate driving?
He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.
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Why are you driving on the sidewalk?
Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.
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What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants?
Arrg, it's driving me nuts!"
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How do you stop a North Korean tank?
Shoot the guy driving the cardboard box.
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Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car?
So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"
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What is the meaning of afford?
It's the car most sales representatives drive.
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What do you do if you are driving your car in central Manhattan and you see a space man?
Park in it, of course.
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How do you drive a Unitarian out of town?
Burn a question mark on their front lawn.
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What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants?
It's driving me nuts!"
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What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum?
It drives me nuts.
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Whats with the wheel on your john?
the pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"
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Who is driving the car?
The police.
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How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
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Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff?
He wanted to test out his new air brakes.
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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
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Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired?
He drove people bananas!
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Why did the wave fail the driving test?
It kept crashing on the beach.
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How do you ask an Uber driver if he drives for Lyft, too?
Do you even Lyft bro? (I'll see myself out)
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How do black people die from a drive by?
Everytime someone screams "get down! " they stand up and start dancing!
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What do you call a disabled person committing a drive by?
Handicappn.
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What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?
Oy vey!"
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Why aren't you allowed alcohol on a golf course?
Because it's a crime to drink and drive.
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What do you call the pope after a drive by?
Your holiness"
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What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?
Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"
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What does an apple and an apple tree have in common?
A: They both don't drive tractors.
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What do you get when you cross and Chinese and a Mexican man?
A: A car thief who can't drive!
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic
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Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?
Scurvy
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How do Russians drive to Alaska?
By bearing straight
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What car do polite cowboys drive?
Audi!
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Why don't we let Google Chrome drive?
Because it crashes all the time.
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What do you call a duck addicted to crack?
A quack head. What is a ducks favorite snack Quackers. Why couldn't the duck drive his car His windshield was quacked.
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Why can't Ray Charles drive?
He's dead.
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Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ?
Cats can't drive !
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Where do we go?
Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Definitely not Sally. Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? He was hit by a truck Why didn't the truck turn out of the way? Sally Was driving
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How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...
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How long does it take to drive across France?
3 days by panzer
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Why is owning a Prius difficult?
It's hard to drive when you're patting yourself on the back all the time.
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What did the guy on LSD say while driving on the highway?
Woah, the traffic is moving.
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What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?
A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)
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How did the Italian die?
Talking while driving.
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What did Nirvana say when they drove past a burning school bus?
Smells Like Teen Spirits"
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Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"
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What do you get when you cross a black and asian man?
slightly racist) A car thief that can't drive.
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What car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A Toyoda
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What type of car does a Loch ness monster Drive?
A nissan
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What kind of car does god drive?
A Christler
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When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?
answer "Scissors." then drive away..
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Why couldn't the BMW fit into a narrow parking stall at Target?
because it was being driven by a woman
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Why are you driving that car in circles?
Driver: I was just going for a little spin.
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What do you call a rich brown person driving an Audi?
A Saudi
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How do you make a woman drive in a circle?
Take away her rights.
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What do you call a ship that drives itself?
Auto-pirate.
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How do bulls drive their cars?
They steer them!
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How do you drive this thing?
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"
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Why can't women drive?
Because there aren't any roads from the bedroom to the kitchen.
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Why can't Daredevil drive a car?
Because he's from New York.
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Why are there so many jumpshots in the WNBA?
Because women can't drive
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What kind of car do ghosts drive?
BOOgatti!
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What is the most popular vehicle in South America?
They drive alpacars.
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What do you call a weirdo slowly driving a jeep past an elementary school?
Jeeper creeper!
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Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because it can't drive a car without making it all denty.
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How are women like snow?
They seem really cool at first but then you're sick of them after a couple days and no one wants to be driving when they're on the road
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What kind of cars do shellfish drive?
Mussel cars.
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What is six inches long has a bald head and drives every woman crazy?
100$ bill
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman
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What's the difference between a tea cup and pea cup?
A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.
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What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there?
Arrrh, it's driving me nuts
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Why do Norwegians drive Chevys?
They're afraid of drowning in a Fjord.
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Why do gingers love driving Kias?
It's the only way they can own a soul.
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Why did the engineer drive the backwards?
He had a loco motive.
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Why do single women take advice from other single women?
That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
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Why did the virus get a ticket?
Because he was driving under the influenza......
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Why do single people take dating advice from other single people?
That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.
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Why did Nixon never drive on the highway?
Because he always took the low road.
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What drove the British mystery fan insane?
He lost his Marples.
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How did a blind man drive his car?
A: One hand on the wheel the other on the road.
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Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers?
So that there's no chance of a hung jury
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How's my driving?
sticker on her car. Her phone hasn't stopped ringing since.
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Why did the snail paint an S on the back of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, "Hey, look at that S car go!"
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What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
A: Wait at the buzz stop.
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Who drives?
The police officer
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What cars do cows drive?
Cattleacs
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What car did the Apostles drive?
Hint:Acts 2:1 KJV)
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Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?
So they can drive with the handcuffs on.
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What did Palpatine order in the drive thru?
Friiiiiiies
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What do you call an Hispanic gentleman who drives a hybrid car?
A green bean.
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Whats the difference between a woman and a dog?
Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones happy to see you afterwards.
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What did the pirate say after his first-mate stuck the wheel in his pants?
ARGHH! You're driving me nuts!"
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What did C: drive say to D: drive?
Wow you looked shocked.
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What kind of trucks do pigs drive?
A pig up truck
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What's the worst part about 4 black guys driving off a cliff in an escalade?
They were my friends. :(
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What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU'RE DRIVING
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Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia?
Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state.
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Why are you driving without a license?
Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.
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How do you turn fruits into vegetables?
Drive a bus through a pride parade