Girlfriend Jokes
-
What do my iPhone and my girlfriend have in common?
They both go off again two minutes later to remind me of the same thing.
-
What do you do if your girlfriend is choking ?
Back up a few inches
-
When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
-
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
-
What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking??
Slow down and maybe use some lube...
-
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
My girlfriend knows about my wife.
-
What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?
A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)
-
How did the farmer find his girlfriend?
He tractor!
-
What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
-
Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?
Because Sheeran
-
What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless
-
Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?
What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "
-
Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?
Because she was seeing somebody on the side.
-
How did Jared lose 30 pounds?
He dumped his girlfriend.
-
What did the lesbian lumberjill say to her girlfriend?
Have I got an ax to grind with you.
-
Why can't the incredible hulk find a girlfriend?
Because all the girls know he just wants to smash
-
What do you call it when your Arab parents disaprove of your girlfriend?
Harambe
-
What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common?
Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.
-
How many girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know...
-
What made the vampire a gentlemen?
They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.
-
Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?
He just needed some space.
-
How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend?
He has one clean finger.
-
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
I love you a ton!"
-
Why can't the ghost get his girlfriend pregnant?
Because he's got a hollow-weenie.
-
How do you get your girlfriend to fart?
Pull out
-
What should you do if your girlfriend is choking?
Back up a couple of inches.
-
What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish?
William Shat-on-her
-
What's the similarity between iPhone 7 and my girlfriend?
They both let me stick it in only one place.
-
Whats 10 inches?
What's 10 inches, has a big red head and makes my girlfriend cry when i put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage
-
Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal?
He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.
-
Why can't a W-boson get a girlfriend?
He can't even last a femtosecond!
-
What's imaginary that my girlfriend and I afraid to forget?
My girlfriend
-
What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?
Carpaltunnel
-
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
-
Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend?
She just wasn't working out.
-
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
-
How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend?
When he starts using condoms with other girls.
-
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
-
Why did the oak tree get his girlfriend pregnant?
Because the state abolished plant parenthood
-
What's the do a girlfriend and an ice cream cone have in common?
The ones that are hot don't last as long
-
What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend?
He nectar!
-
What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?
One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
-
When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?
I reply "Taxes."
-
What did the fisherman and his girlfriend do last night?
Net fish and krill
-
How do you know If your girlfriend is Canadian?
Look at her beaver.
-
What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?
Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...
-
When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?
Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.
-
What did the Hispanic chef say when he went down on his girlfriend?
Umami!"
-
What's the difference between pokemon go and my girlfriend?
Pokemon go always goes down on me
-
What does a redneck do when he misses his girlfriend?
Reload, take better aim.
-
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He flushed.
-
What is the friend zone?
It's the space between girlfriend and girl friend.
-
Why did Oscar Pistorius shoot his girlfriend in the bathroom?
Because he's one of the few people in World that couldn't kick down the door.
-
How many girlfriends does it take to change a light bulb?
It has to change for itself.
-
What's the difference between a clever midget and my ex-girlfriend, the trackstar?
One's a cunning runt... and I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.
-
What did the geologist say to his girlfriend before shagging her?
I am going to make the bedrock.
-
What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
-
How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?
She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
-
What's your best limerick?
There once was a fellow McSweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth Then slipped his girlfriend a martini
-
How did the pothead propose to his girlfriend?
Marriage.. you wanna?"
-
What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?
accommodating.
-
What did Humpty Dumpty say to his girlfriend when she said they were breaking up?
Is this some sort of yolk
-
What does a cow call his girlfriend?
His significant udder.
-
How does a Trigonometry teacher appreciate his girlfriend?
Oh baby, you are so (1/cos C)" !!!
-
What do you call a corn cob on a track team?
A maize runner. Credit goes to my girlfriend.
-
What happened to the egg and his girlfriend?
They broke up.
-
Why wasn't Hamlet sad when his girlfriend drowned?
He was more of a necrOpheliac anyway.
-
What do you call a girl who likes men with small d**ks?
Your girlfriend!
-
What did the girlfriend say to her boyfriend that was bitten by a zombie?
You're dead to me"
-
How does a hamster propose to his girlfriend?
With a hamst-ring! I'm sorry.
-
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
Because he needed his space.
-
How many of my ex-girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Apparently she will screw anything.
-
What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?
On the front page of reddit.
-
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??
Slow down and grab some lube!!
-
Whats red, 10 inches long, and makes your girlfriend cry when you put it in her mouth?
her miscarriage
-
What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend?
Baaaaaeeeee!
-
What should you do when your ex-girlfriend stands in the spotlights?
Drive faster.
-
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow?
Cows are real.
-
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
You slow down and use lube ( )
-
Who was that, your girlfriend?
Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*
-
What did the lesbian-vampire say to her girlfriend?
See ya next month.
-
What do you say to your girlfriend with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
-
Why did the Eskimo break up with his girlfriend?
He just wasn't really Inuit...
-
What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine?
After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around.
-
What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend?
IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"
-
What do I need a girlfriend for?
When the Reddit servers are ready to go down on me anytime?
-
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?
Slow down and use some lube
-
What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?
Some people actually believe santa exist.
-
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
-
What's the difference between a 4chan user and a Cuck?
A cuck has a girlfriend.
-
What did the Swedish chef say to his girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant?
Abort - Bort - Bort!
-
How did the truck get his girlfriend?
Pickup lines
-
What does my girlfriend and Windows 8 have in common?
they are both 8........
-
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom
-
When do you kick a midget in the balls?
When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
-
What do you call a girlfriend who does kegel exercises?
Your main squeeze.
-
What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage. sorry.
-
What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?
SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!
-
What rhymes with Pistorius?
His girlfriend certainly ain't Morpheus.
-
How is a girlfriend like a pronoun?
Your's is possessive
-
What do you call your ex-girlfriend in Maryland?
Old bae.
-
What did the pirate's ghost say to his girlfriend?
I love your Boo-ty
-
What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?
It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!
-
What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
-
What do Marylanders call their ex-girlfriends?
Old Bay.
-
Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?
It was a no buena My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!
-
What do you say to a girlfriend who calls you a lazy couch potato?
Well let me tell you...
-
What did the otter say to his girlfriend?
You are my significant otter."
-
How many girlfriend does a white boy need to shoot a school?
None.
-
What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?
Dayuum. I'd hit that."
-
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count ?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow,
-
Why did Bill Cosby make his own Jell-O?
Because his girlfriend was in a Roofie induced coma.
-
How's the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator
-
Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?
Prose before hoes.
-
How do you know your girlfriend is too young?
She only puckers up for her pacifier.
-
What do you want for Christmas?
Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend
-
What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend?
A: His smellular phone!
-
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyonce.
-
Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?
A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'
-
When do you kick a midget in the nuts?
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
-
How do you know if a homeless man has a girlfriend?
He has two clean fingers.
-
What did the hippie say when his girlfriend told him to move out?
Nah, I'm a stay. (namaste)
-
What does an illustrator say to his girlfriend on Valentine ?
I'm font of you.
-
What do you call a pothead that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
-
What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches?
Visa or Mastercard?
-
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage
-
How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?
She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
-
What did the stoner say to his girlfriend?
We'd be good together.
-
Why did the guy kick the broom out of his house?
It swept with his girlfriend :P
-
What do locking the keys in your car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common?
both can be solved with a coat hanger
-
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
-
What does the alchemist do to please his girlfriend?
Elixir.
-
Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
-
What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
-
How did Jared lose 40 pounds?
He dumped his girlfriend
-
How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds?
He broke up with his girlfriend.
-
Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth?
Our miscarriage.
-
Why can't the main character of Fallout 4 get a girlfriend?
Because they're too young for him
-
What did the necrophile say to his ex-girlfriend?
I only loved you for your body!"
-
When Do You Hurt a Midget?
When He is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!
-
Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
-
When to leave your girlfriend?
When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
-
What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage?
Trying to look upset.
-
Who's your Daddy?
In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy " instead of "Who's your daddy " and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...
-
What did the mailman ask his girlfriend?
Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)
-
What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend?
Snickers satisfies.
-
Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?
Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.
-
What do you call your girlfriend after a tough workout?
Sorbet
-
Why are relationships complex?
Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
-
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless
-
Where'd you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...
-
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonc
-
Why is your face all scratched ?
My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !
-
What do you say when you are trying to scare your girlfriend?
Boo bae! (Read aloud please)
-
What did Peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up?
Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
-
What does your girlfriend and my garage have in common?
I pull out of both of them.
-
How old is your girlfriend?
She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"
-
What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?
I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.
-
What does weed and your girlfriend have in common?
They both leave me sticky fingers. 7
-
What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
His Feyonce.
-
What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?
He screwed, nutted, and bolted.
-
What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?
See you next month!
-
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped his bum.
-
Why can't my girlfriend perform at open mic night?
Because she's a cover thief.
-
What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?
A gf gif gift grift
-
How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar?
If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.
-
What can you get off with your finger that you can't get off with steel wool?
Your girlfriend.
-
What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?
Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).
-
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day.
-
How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots
-
What did Casper say to his girlfriend?
I love you, boo!!
-
What did the girlfriend, say to her boyfriend, when he showed up for sushi?
Wha suh b?
-
Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?
He lost interest.
-
What's the difference between a dead baby and my ex-girlfriend?
There isn't one...
-
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend 45 minutes
-
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
50 pounds.
-
What's the thing in common between your girlfriend starting the pill and the muisic group Europe?
It's the final condom... Ta da da da...
-
How do you know if your girlfriend is ticklish?
You give her a test-tickle.
-
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use Lubricant.
-
Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?
And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
-
What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
-
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes
-
What's the difference ?
What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!
-
What gets larger every time I see my Girlfriend?
My credit card bill.
-
How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?
He dumped his girlfriend.
-
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
-
What did the ghost give his girlfriend on Halloween?
What did the ghost give his girlfriend on Halloween? A "booquet" of flower.
-
Why can't student loan get a girlfriend?
Because he is forever a loan.
-
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 60 pounds.
-
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
-
What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?
I need space.
-
What do girlfriends and sperm have in common?
They both always seem to end up in your clothes
-
What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic?
You're dead to me."
-
How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
I just need some space."
-
What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?
Palmela Handerson
-
Why are thedonald users not cucks?
First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with.
-
What's the difference between my guitar and my girlfriend?
My guitar doesn't yell at me when I snap it's g-string
-
What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
It's a dead letter day.
-
What's worse?
Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else
-
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ?
Your plaice or mine' !
-
Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
-
How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?
Pasta la vista, baby."
-
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
-
What is Reddits favorite country?
Chi-LE!!!!!!!!!! My girlfriend came up with that one hope u guys love it as much as I do!!!!! :)
-
When is it okay to punch a midget?
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
-
What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?
The knife has a point.
-
What did Jay Z call his girlfriend when they were dating?
A Feyonce
-
How did Jared lose 40lbs?
He dumped his girlfriend.
-
What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
Its ok, we can still be cousins."
-
How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend?
Marriage, you wanna?
-
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
-
What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?
I need some space.
-
How did a Hispanic farmer propose to his girlfriend?
With arroz.
-
What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common?
Neither want me coming inside them.
-
What do Kim Kardashian, and my girlfriend have in common?
They're both made up.
-
What's the best thing about having a girlfriend who is addicted to Starbucks?
You'll never forget her name.
-
What do you get when ant's parents won't let him marry his girlfriend?
Antelopes.
-
How are the Seahawks and my girlfriend similar?
they both can get 16 shoved down their throat without choking
-
What do you do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?
Slow the pace and apply more lube!
-
How do you know if a homeless person has a girlfriend?
His clean fingers.
-
What is 19 cm long, pink and my girlfriend screams when i put it in her mouth?
her abortion
-
What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore?
Old Bae
-
What do drug dealers sit on?
KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.
-
What happened to Sponge Bob Square Pants when he broke up with his girlfriend?
He went back to square one....
-
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
-
What did the overbearing mother melon say to her son and his girlfriend?
You Cantaloupe.
-
How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?
www.AshleyMadison.com
-
What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?
They wipe, flush, and wash their hands
-
What do you call cow without a girlfriend?
Beef Stroken off