Come Jokes

  • Whats the difference between Caesar and Casanova?

    Caesar said:"I came, I saw, I conquered." Casanova said:"I saw, I conquered, I came."

  • What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods?

    I'm not doing that again for two bucks.

  • What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema?

    Fancy a bite

  • How are your English lessons coming along?

    Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

  • Why are you running like that?

    He answered, "Because you're coming home early."

  • What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?

    He always came on time.

  • What did Samsung Galaxy S 5 say to the iPhone 6?

    Get bent" I hope you guys like this joke. I just came up with it.

  • Who came after Augustus?


  • Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?

    On their feet!

  • What do you call a dog with no legs?

    It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

  • What do you say when someone dies while getting an erection?

    He came and went at the same time.

  • How do you make a Snowman smile?

    Tell him the snowblower is coming.

  • What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?

    I'm not coming into work today

  • What do a silver medalist and a child molester have in common?

    They both came in a little behind

  • What's wrong with them?

    his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

  • Why did vegan cross the road?

    Because chicken came to his side.

  • What did the Chinese man say when Winter came around?

    Reddit snow, reddit snow, reddit snow!

  • What came first the car or the wheel?

    The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.

  • What does Bill Cosby have in common with Ninjas?

    Their victims never see them coming.

  • What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

    A stick.

  • How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None, change comes from within.

  • What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?

    Take me to your liter!

  • What happens when doughnuts join a sorority?

    They have to go through the glazing. I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order.

  • What did the American vet did when he came to back from Vietnam?

    The guns wasn't in the horse fixing resume!"

  • What do women and police cars have in common?

    They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

  • How Pokemon go came to be Customers: "Niantic, can we have 151 Pokemon?

    Niantic: "147 Pokemon You want to have 145 Pokemon ! What are you going to do with 142 Pokemon !"

  • What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

    Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

  • What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?

    Shady's back*

  • What did King Arthur do in Camelot?

    He "came" a lot.

  • What is the witches motto ?

    We came we saw we conjured !

  • What else did Lochte say after the truth came out?

    This did not go swimmingly at all

  • What does a Catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?

    I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank

  • Why was Michael Jackson always late for meetings?

    Because he was always coming in a little behind.

  • Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?

    A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

  • What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

    I missed you

  • What does Bill Cosby and a ninja have in common?

    You don't see either one coming.

  • What did the seamen say to his friend?

    It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.

  • What is this world coming to?

    Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise

  • How do you make cultured milk?

    You take it to the Moo-seum. I know this joke is terrible, but I totally came up with it on my own, but I'm sure it exists already.

  • What came in the mail today?


  • What do you give an alligator who is having trouble hearing?

    A gator-aid. Bet you did see that one coming:P

  • Why did the Addams have the late man arrested?

    He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.

  • Who came in first?

    The over easy egg because it was really runny. How about second The over medium egg because it was only a little runny. And last That would be the baked egg.

  • Who's there ! Army Ant ! Army Ant who ?

    Army Ants coming for tea then

  • Who came up with hugs?

    The very first hug must have been really creepy. "What are you doing Why are you holding me " "Just trust me."

  • How do I look?

    I just came back from the beauty salon.... Husband - Well. Was it closed

  • Why is Microsoft coming out with a windows 10 instead of 9?

    Because 7 8 9

  • Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

    The Rooster

  • What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

    I'm not coming in *this morning*"

  • What does the internet need to take when its constipated?

    Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today

  • Why was the snowman smiling?

    He saw the snowblower coming

  • What did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball?

    You trying to get a rise out of me! Came up with while I was making pizza.

  • Why did 8 break up with 7?

    Because 7 always came first!!!

  • What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"?

    I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.

  • Why was the midget fired from his job?

    He came up short on his register.

  • Why did the snowman smile?

    Because the snowblower is coming.

  • What did Jack Frost say at his climax?

    Winter is coming"

  • Why has the pope never won a gold medal?

    Because he always came in a little behind.

  • What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

    Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

  • Who went into a witche's den and came out alive ?

    The witch !

  • What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion?

    Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger

  • What did the doe say as she came out of the forest?

    I'll never do that for 5 bucks again.

  • What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper?

    What " "You aren't coming to my house"

  • Knock knock. Who's there? Opportunity.

    That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

  • What's a boomerang called that's not coming back?

    A Stick.

  • How do computers measure pain?

    Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

  • Why did the Egyptian spit out his water?

    Because it came from the Suez.

  • What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through?

    Oh God, not the B's!

  • What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

    A: Highway 55.

  • What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?

    Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!

  • What happens when you put the energizer bunny's battery's in backwards?

    He keeps coming and coming and coming.

  • Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?

    Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.

  • Why did the snowman have his pants down?

    Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

  • What do Kodak film and John Lennon have in common?

    They both came in a yellow box

  • What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

    Well, both carry stiffs, but one's for coming and the other's for going.

  • Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

    because Santa came early! I'll let myself out.

  • Why do clairvoyants have crystal balls?

    So they can see what's coming.

  • What is white and streaks across the sky at blinding speeds?

    The coming of the lord

  • When is Independence Day 2 coming out?


  • What is Santa's favorite music?

    Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8.)

  • Where does Khal Drogo keep his DVDs?

    In Yeah you'd probably only get this if you read ASOIF but the joke came to me randomly.

  • What's small, gray, and came in little cans?

    Michael Jackson.

  • How did the blind girl explain her pregnancy?

    She said she didn't see him coming

  • Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

    One waits till you're 14 before coming on your face.

  • How do you like going to school?

    Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

  • Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes?

    So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it. Ta-boom!

  • Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony?

    When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had "To NY" on their hats.

  • Why wasn't Michael Jackson allowed to perform at the children's hospital?

    Because he is dead. ((I came up with this joke when I was very tired.))

  • What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

    Time to try the udder one."

  • Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful?

    The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.

  • Why were the Three Wise Men covered in soot?

    Because they came from afar.

  • Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside?

    Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.

  • Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

    Because it was stationary.

  • What's the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest?

    A pimple waits until you're 13-years-old before coming on your face.

  • Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids?

    Ken came in a different box.

  • When you're away on a business trip, do you think about me?

    Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

  • Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?

    In a stable environment. Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

  • What did the collard green do when his favorite song came on the radio?

    He got turnip

  • Why did the perv leave?

    Because he came.

  • What's white and streaks across the sky at a thousand miles an hour?

    The coming of the Lord.

  • Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause?

    because he only came once a year

  • How is a Silver Medal and a Priest the same?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • What did they stamp on the Asian baby as he came out of his mother's womb?

    Made in Va-China.

  • Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

    Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

  • What did the insect say when he saw a gnat get hit?

    He did gnat see that coming"

  • What do you call a French human delicacy?

    Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.

  • What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs?

    A condescending con descending.

  • How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?

    Sir, she came in with you!"

  • What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?

    A. The cold shoulder.

  • Why do people call the deceased "late"?

    They aren't late.. They aren't coming.

  • Why did you leave your last job?

    I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

  • Why can't you hear Django coming?

    The D is silent.

  • Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

    Because it came out of the pen.

  • Why is a toothbrush a "tooth" brush?

    Cause it was invented in Alabama! Inspiration came from the comments( irpc=932)

  • What did Norman Bates call his little sister?

    You know you see it coming...) A: Psycho-sis! (I won't let the doorknob hit me on the way out..)

  • How did robbers gain entry to steal from Miley Cyrus?

    They came in like a wrecking ball.

  • How do fish make calls?

    On a shellphone! My 7 year old self was very proud of coming up with this one....

  • What does a condom have in common with a coffin?

    Ones for coming and ones for going.

  • How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, the changes necessary will come from within.

  • What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?

    my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

  • What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?


  • Why was no at the Premature Ejaculaters' support group when I arrived?

    I came early.

  • What happened when a whore house caught on fire?

    Some came out running, others ran out coming.

  • What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ?

    A seahorse !

  • How are old jokes on reddit like a herpes outbreak?

    You know they are going to keep coming back, and despite the fact they are weaker each time, you still don't look forward to them.

  • What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?

    A smell that keeps coming back!

  • What came first?

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

  • What came after the stone age and the bronze age?

    Pupil: The sausage!

  • What is the definition of masurbation?

    Coming unscrewed

  • How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon?

    The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK

  • What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?

    I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.

  • Where Are You Going ?

    Me : Partying with Friends Pimple : Ok, I'm Also Coming then!!

  • What made the vampire a gentlemen?

    They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

  • What do pimples and catholic priests have in common?

    They both start coming on boys' faces around age 13.

  • What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?

    Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.

  • What is the difference between my dad and cancer?

    Cancer came back

  • What did the premature ejaculatist say to his offended lover?

    Sorry... That came out wrong.

  • What did the hacker do when the police came for him?

    He ransomware.

  • What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • Who's there ! Anderson ! Anderson who ?

    Anderson and daughter came too !

  • What happens when everything's coming your way?

    Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

  • What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?

    Filet delay!

  • What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

    A monster coming out of the closet

  • How do you know when you're turning 40?

    When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

  • What's the difference between Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan?

    Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered." Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."

  • Why did the momma pepper tuck in her baby?

    Because he was a little chili (Actually came up with this while making chili)

  • Which mafia boss came with all the dlc?

    John Goty

  • How are blizzards and men alike?

    You don't know when they're coming, you don't know how many inches you'll get, and you don't know long they'll last

  • What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

    A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

  • What did the knife say to the pretty lady?

    Nothing, she knew what was coming...

  • Why do pro gamers get up at 1:37pm?

    Because it's 13:37! I came up with this last night and have been waiting to post it until 1:37pm my time.

  • Where did the frog say his family came from?

    They are German and a tad-Polish"

  • Why people cry during the weddings?

    they are preparing for whats coming afterwards

  • How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

    You will find out when the light comes on.

  • Why did the cookie get fired from his job?

    He came to work baked.

  • What tool does a black lumberjack use?

    An ask. (Explanation: Because most black people say ax for ask, it is swapped around.) Came up with it by myself, how did I do

  • Which company saw the end of disco coming from a mile away?


  • What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers ?

    Nothing, The hits keep coming

  • When are the hiest's coming out?


  • What did Caesar say when was in agreement?

    I came. I saw. I concurred.

  • What, really?

    I said. "Yes, they're coming to pick you up in an hour"

  • What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?

    A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

  • What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work?

    It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..

  • Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

    Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

  • What did they say about the blind man who got hit by a bus?

    He never saw it coming.

  • If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?


  • What did the hair stylist do when the Beach Boys came on?

    The barber ran

  • Why did the Snowman pull his pants down?

    Because the snowblower was coming.

  • Who's there ! Ahmed ! Ahmed who ?

    Ahmed a big mistake coming here !

  • Why did the skeleton leave the party?

    Because everyone was calling him a bone-head. (I was 6 when I came up with that).

  • Why did the black man walk backwards?

    I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.

  • What's white & falls from the sky?

    The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

  • What do you get when you put the batteries in the Energizer Bunny backwards?

    It keeps coming and coming and coming...

  • Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

    Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

  • How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

    It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.

  • What do you say when it's snowing?

    Winter is coming.

  • How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along?

    Sew sew

  • When finding out he was into beastiality, what did Robocop say to Schrodinger's cat?

    Dead or alive, you're coming with me

  • How did the blind girl accidentally get pregnant?

    As careful as she tried to be, she could never have seen him coming

  • How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?

    He's still there.

  • What is a joke that only makes sense in your own regional dialect/accent?

    Sorry for a post that's not a joke but I'm interested. Here's one from where I am. These two ducks are flying over Ballymena. The first one says, "quack quack" and the second one says, "slow down! I'm coming as quack as I cyan."

  • What happens when you put the Energizer bunny's batteries in backwards?

    It keeps coming, and coming, and coming...

  • What is the worst way to find out you just came into money?

    via sticky notes

  • What kind of cheese gives out money?

    Prova I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:

  • Why didnt the asian block a punch coming to his face?

    He couldn't see it coming

  • What did the Ceasar of reddit say?

    I came, I upvoted, I reposted.

  • What did Santa Clause say when he came down Lindsay Lohan's chimney and found her spending Christmas Eve with her pals Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton?

    A: Ho, ho, ho!

  • Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?

    AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language

  • How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb?

    None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.

  • Why did the snowman take his pants off?

    He heard the snow blower was coming.

  • What is better than coming second in the Special Olympics?

    Not being retarded. Sorry guys. Poor taste. But it is what it is.

  • How did the snowman get happy?

    The snowblower came around

  • Who came first, the chicken or the egg?

    They came together, it was a perfect lay.

  • Why did the Kurd bury his music collection?

    His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."

  • Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

    They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)

  • What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common?

    Neither want me coming inside them.

  • What do colorblind people say to the unexpected?

    Well that came out of the purple

  • What do you name a deaf dog?

    It doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyways.

  • How is it May already?

    Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.

  • Why aren't you working?

    Me: I didn't see you coming!

  • What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

  • Why didn't Kevin from Home Alone call the cops when the burglars came around?

    He was running a trap house.

  • Why do women love Jordan Spieth?

    Because he came second.

  • What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees?

    A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it's funny)

  • How was the party last night?

    17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.

  • What do they call a dog in Iraq?

    A Shia pet. *friend of mine came up with this and was pretty proud of himself

  • Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?

    He heard the snow-blower was coming.

  • How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

    She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

  • What side of the American flag are the stars on?

    Both sides. Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.

  • How was 9/11 an inside job?

    If the planes came from the outside.

  • What is the definition of a will?

    C'mon. It's a dead giveaway.

  • How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands?

    He wears the cardboard box on his boots.

  • What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

    1/6 G My 8 year old son came up with this one.

  • How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

    He was a good conductor.

  • Why are monsters hipsters?

    Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

  • Why did they never make a pregnant Barbie?

    because Ken always came in another box.

  • Who's there ! Alexander ! Alexander who ?

    Alexander friend are coming over !

  • When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?

    Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"

  • What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies?

    A: Should we walk home or take a dog

  • What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?

    Boss: I don't know. Guy: I'm not coming in this morning!

  • Why did Santa want a divorce?

    His wife made sure he only came once a year.

  • Why don't gypsies use condoms ?

    They have crystal balls so they see it coming.

  • What is long, white, and very sticky?

    The coming of the Lord!

  • How long does it take for George R.R. Martin to finish a Reddit post?

    Answer coming Fall 2017.

  • What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

    Paul stop monkeying around!

  • Why did users stop coming to r/jokes?

    Because their jokes weren't very funny.

  • What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

    I did not see that coming.

  • What happened to you ?

    PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

  • What do you think about the coming battle General?

    God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

  • What did the mole hill say to the mountain?

    I see my ex came by."

  • Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way?

    We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right

  • What happened when the sausage came in first?

    An announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wiener!"

  • Why did ginny make harry get rid of his invisibility cloak?

    He kept coming out of no where

  • What is Reddits favorite country?

    Chi-LE!!!!!!!!!! My girlfriend came up with that one hope u guys love it as much as I do!!!!! :)

  • What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?

    Answer: "I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha! :)

  • What works better than anti-depressants?

    A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.

  • What's the point of going to somebodys funeral?

    It's not like they are coming to yours.

  • Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

    Because he saw the snowblower coming

  • What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar?

    Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

  • What do a coffin and a condom have in common?

    A: They're both filled with stiffs one's coming one's going.

  • What does one call an undertaker that's been drafted into the Military?

    A Corpseman. Painfully obvious, yet a terrible play on the English language, I know. It was something I came up with a few years ago, for some unknown reason.

  • Why did Michael Jackson always lose in a race?

    Because he always came in a lil behind.

  • What happened when Santa cut his beard?

    The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

  • Why was Missis Claus mad last night?

    A: Santa came early

  • What's worse than a fish in the SS?

    in. Man, I did that coming.

  • What did you do today?

    Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.

  • What came before the Big Bang?

    The Big Foreplay.

  • What's white and drips from the cloud?

    The coming of the Lord.

  • What do you call a jelly bear that died and came back?

    A mummy bear

  • What did the raisin see when she came home early from work?

    Her husband on a date.

  • What do you call a Mexican melon?

    A cantelopez! Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.

  • What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

    Pork! Pork! Pork!

  • What is your favorite one to two line joke?

    Keep em coming boys and gals. This is making my 15 car ride way better!

  • What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?

    A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

  • What do you call an arrogant convict coming down the stairs?

    A condescending con, descending.

  • Why is Reddit called "Reddit"?

    The first name they came up with reminded them too much of olive oil.

  • Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?

    Because he just came to pick up his little sister.

  • What do a priest and a swimmer who came in second have in common?

    The both came in a little behind

  • What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

    The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was .......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

  • What does the baker turned counterfeiter say?

    I make my own dough". My sister Katie came up with this one.

  • What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

    asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

  • What's the difference between a woman coming out of church and a woman taking a bath?

    The woman coming out of church as hope in her soul!

  • What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?

    Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !

  • What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?

    Look out for the mice!

  • How are false teeth like stars?

    They come out at night!

  • Why did the psychic get fired?

    Because she didn't see it coming.

  • Why is there music coming out of your printer?

    That will be the paper jamming again!"

  • Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ?

    The White-Power Ranger I came up with this after reading a cracked article.

  • What did the Invisible Man's mom say after he came out as invisible?

    I can't even look at you anymore!"

  • What animal has 5 legs?

    A pit bull coming back from the playground.

  • What Are you braging about?

    I came from Chernobyl, I had a tail!

  • Why was Mrs. Clause's stocking full on December 21st?

    Because Santa came early this year.

  • What do you call Captain Forte and his sidekick Piano?

    A dynamic duo! This joke came to me in my delirious state after hours of band camp practices.

  • How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver?

    He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.

  • What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?

    I came, I thaw, I conquered .

  • Why did the blond get fired from the boomerang factory?

    She threw away all the bent ones. Why did she get re-hired They all came back.

  • How is a man like a snowstorm?

    A: You never know when he's coming how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

  • What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

    A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

  • What do you call someone who discriminates against paintings?

    An artist. My 11 year son just came up with this one.

  • What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American?

    A-patchy scalping Edit: Changed haircut to scalping. Because that's what I came up with this morning.

  • How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

    This is a joke I came up with. Q: How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb? A: There's no need to change it when you can easily convince everyone that it still works, but they've gone blind.

  • What stopped winter from coming?

    Winterfell and it can't get up.

  • What do you call a beach with crooked waves?

    OC A Scoli-ocean! (Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

  • What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called?

    One second mom, I'm coming!

  • What did Masters say to Johnson?

    I don't know what the worlds coming to

  • Why is six afraid lf seven?

    Because seven just came back from a trip to West Africa.

  • What stopped winter for coming?

    Cuz Winterfell and it can't get up! :P

  • What does Jerry Sandusky and a Silver Medalist have in common?

    They both came in a little behind!

  • Why are you studying your Easter candy?

    I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"

  • What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?

    He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."

  • What did one elevator say to the other?

    I think I'm coming down with something.

  • How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming?

    A: SPLAT!!! He didn't.

  • How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?

    C'mon, it's not hard...

  • What do Harvard and a virgin have in common?

    You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.

  • Where do Knights get their armour?

    The hardware store. One I came up with when I was about 10.

  • Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out?

    Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.

  • Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

    Because he had a vowel movement.

  • What's White & Gooey and Rains Down From the Sky?

    The coming of the Lord.

  • Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white?

    So he can tell if he's coming or going.

  • Why are the buses in London red?

    You'd be too if you came every 10 minutes.

  • Why is a dog like a baseball player?

    He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

  • How many Budists does it take... How many Budists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. The change, if needed, will come from within.

  • What type of person does cocaine after taking a shot?

    A linebacker I came up with this on the toilet... Hope it's not old.