Buy Jokes

  • Why shouldn't you buy shoes off the street?

    They might be laced with something..

  • Why don't you buy Ukrainian underwear?

    Because cher-nob'll fall out

  • How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

    Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

  • Why was the Muslim sad when he bought a pirated disc?

    Because the Disc was cracked

  • Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

    Because Chernobyl fallout.

  • What pen company did Lance Armstrong buy?


  • Why shouldn't you buy underwear from the Ukraine?

    Chernobyl fall out.

  • Where does the CIA buy its groceries?

    Whole Foods

  • Why did i buy a black phone?

    So it would run faster!!

  • Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?


  • What, I'm Asian?

    slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks* *buys a bonsai tree*

  • Where does the Empire buy their robes?

    The Darth Mall!

  • How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

    Go to England and buy something

  • Why did the spider buy a car ?

    So he could take it out for a spin !

  • Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

    Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.

  • Where do Year 1 Guardians buy their clothes?

    Twilight Gap

  • What is the driest soda you can buy?

    Baking soda.

  • What does the customer say to the worker as he leaves the store after buying a discounted item?

    Good buy.

  • When does a dyslexic person know they've bought the wrong SUV?

    When they're in Denali.

  • Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

    at the stock market

  • Why don't you buy your wife a watch?

    There's already a clock on the stove

  • Why bother?

    They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"... oh, like I wasn't !

  • Why do hipsters only buy games from GOG?

    Because other stores are too mainSteam.

  • What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters?

    This is non-cents!

  • When should you buy a bird?

    When it's going Cheep.

  • What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua?


  • When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?

    Because I couldn't find a fake car."

  • Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion?

    He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".

  • How much does it cost to buy multiple prosthetic limbs?

    An arm and a leg.

  • Where do Sikhs buy clothes?

    Turban Outfitters

  • Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

    Because the steaks are too high.

  • Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

    Because he wanted to... "Get along little doggy"

  • Why are Juggalos obsessed with hatchets?

    Felons can't buy guns

  • Why did the devil buy so many shoes?

    He wanted their soles.

  • How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

    They use a Chopin Liszt!

  • Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

    Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  • How can you tell if you bought lube from Tumblr?

    Because it Lubri-Can't Even!

  • Where does monty python buy his water?

    From the knights Da-sa(y)-NI! This joke is best delivered verbally.

  • How do you order a bill in Australian restaurant?

    Cheque, mate! --- Maybe not the funniest buy posting because: My. My own. My precious...

  • What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

    The cat shat on the mat.

  • Where do you buy Pikmin from?

    The Oli-Mart

  • Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze?

    So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.

  • What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?


  • How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

    If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

  • What's that again?

    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

  • Why didn't the man buy Velcro shoes?

    because they were a rip off

  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

    I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

  • Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?

    Fo drizzle

  • What's dumber than a box of rocks?

    The hippie carrying it. What's dumber than that? The yuppie buying it. What's dumber than that? The box of rocks

  • Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

    Me: You bought me a ski jacket Her: Skiing is a sport!

  • Why didnt Craig buy Anne Franks shoes on Ebay for 2000$ ?

    They were Holo-costly

  • Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?

    I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!

  • Why did the old man buy his wig at the thrift store?

    Because he didn't want toupee.

  • What's the deal with airline food?

    Buy 2 get 1 free

  • What should you buy if your hair falls out ?

    A good vacuum cleaner !

  • What company spent over $6.2 billion in buying Viagra?


  • Why do people buy fruit already cut up?

    There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.

  • Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

    Me: Wanna buy my book Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

  • Why did Snow White buy an android phone?

    She thought the apple was poisoned.

  • Why did the engineer buy a mattress?

    To sleep under it

  • What's it like being a grown up?

    Me hands her money: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly

  • How do you buy hair?

    You have toupee

  • How does Bill Gates fix a broken lightbulb?

    He buys a new house.

  • What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him?

    Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?"

  • What did Mike Meyers say to Eddie Murphy after Eddie bought him a brand new Mercedes?


  • Where do safari animals buy their groceries?

    From the supermeerkat

  • Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

    Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

  • Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of salsa?

    2 gals 1 cup(

  • Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones?

    He wanted to buy stock options.

  • What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar?

    Buck teeth!

  • What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart?

    7 tees, 30 eggs

  • How could you be pregnant!?

    I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!

  • What's the best time to buy a bird?

    When it goes cheep!

  • What do you call a bunch of people buying non-brand name ice skates?

    Cheapskates getting cheap skates

  • Why should you never buy ukrainian underwear?

    Chernobyl fallout.

  • Why do americans get manuals when buying a new car?

    I thought they only drive automatic

  • How many black people does it take to change a light bulb?

    Seriously, I gotta figure out how many slaves I need to buy

  • What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

    Put it on my bill

  • Where does Jane Fonda buy her groceries?

    Traitor Joe's.

  • How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

    Now, I tweet them

  • Why shouldn't you buy trousers from northern Ukraine?

    Chernobyl fallout

  • What if I'm always just inexplicably shuffling a deck of cards?

    Would you buy that Like "whoa, who's that drifter !"

  • What would be a terrible name for a new beer?

    Q: What would be a terrible name for a new beer A: "Mondays"...because no one would EVER want to buy a case of the Mondays...

  • What is the most unethical thing you can legally buy?

    Nestle products

  • What does a traffic cop do when he wins some money?

    Buys an intersection for a private business work.

  • Why do robbers steal money?

    Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff She's a criminal mastermind.

  • When is a product with 70% less salt a bad thing?

    When you're buying salt.

  • Which phone??

    Person 1 : Suggest me a good phone to buy nowadays. Person 2 : Microsoft Lumia 950 XL is good for winters, will keep you warm. Very warm. Person 1 : So what about summers then? Person 2 : Same, it freezes often as well

  • Why was Lindsay Lohan feeling sleepy?

    He was buying drinks.

  • Where do fortune tellers buy their clothes?


  • Why do people keep buying velcro?

    It's such a ripoff.

  • What would u do if u won the lotto?

    10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

  • How do you sell a deaf guy a frog?


  • Why do people buy smart cars?

    Because opposites attract.

  • What's the use of happiness?

    It can't buy you money.

  • Why are math students so skinny?

    Because they buy no meals. (Binomials)

  • What happens when the President dies?

    The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

  • Why did the terrorist buy himself a Porsche?

    He was going through a midlife ISIS :(

  • How does a man show he's planning for the future?

    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

  • What did the chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes?

    I have no Idea.

  • Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches?

    Because they were only a quideach

  • Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

    A. So they can find their way back to the house.

  • Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

    The jury store

  • Why is it hard to buy potatoes on the black market?

    Because there are eyes everywhere!

  • What do you call it when you buy stocks of a clothing company?

    A good in-vest-ment

  • Where did you buy all that junk?

    Kid: At the Joke shop.

  • How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult?

    It's like, oh you gave birth to me Please enjoy this fancy candle.

  • What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?


  • Why do Chinese tourists get disappointed when they visit America?

    Because when they buy souvenirs they find out they were made in China.

  • Where can Sihks and Muslims buy headwear?

    Turban Outfitters.

  • What's the best part about buying dishes that are made in Mexico?

    They wash themselves.

  • Where can you buy a 3 headed flying purple camel with 74 noses?


  • What do 50 cent hot dogs have in common with lumber?

    Two buy four.

  • What do you call two Canadians buy coffee?

    Double double doubles

  • What's the best thing about having Parkinson's?

    Never having to buy another electric toothbrush.

  • What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf?

    A gras shopper.

  • What's the saddest computer you can buy?

    A Dell

  • Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long?

    I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

  • Why doesn't Moses buy beer?

    He brews it.

  • What do you call a law enforcement agency that refuses to buy it's own vehicles?

    The pro-lease department

  • Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks?

    Because he got a hole in one!

  • Why do you never buy a woman a watch?

    Because there's a clock on the stove.

  • Who ever said time cannot be bought?

    I bought some thyme yesterday.

  • What do aliens use to buy their coffee?


  • Why should you never buy golf equiptment made in New Jersey?

    Because New Jersey drivers are terrible

  • Why couldn't the Hungarian programmer buy a third long?

    Because he only had Forints! Thank you thank you, tip your waiter.

  • Where do you buy clothes for baby owls?

    the outlet

  • Why Mr.BEAN Bought A Brown Cow?

    2 Get Chocolate Milk!!

  • What did the pedophiliac rabbi say to the young boy?

    Hey there little boy, you wanna BUY some candy?

  • Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

    How I bought your mother

  • Where does an octopus go to buy shoes?


  • What's the difference between the grocery store and a math book?

    In a math book I can buy 57 papayas at $1.99 each and no one will care.

  • What type of flour do you buy an orphan?

    Self raising.

  • Why did the gamer cross the road?

    Buy the DLC to find out

  • What store does Governor Ratcliffe go to buy his video games?


  • Who would still buy a Note 7 after all the controversy?

    A Muslim

  • What's the difference between a crackhead and a John?

    A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.

  • Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

    Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

  • What do you buy a recently neutered cat?

    Spay Roses.

  • Where's the best place to buy jive cheese?

    Monterey, Jack!

  • How do cats buy things?

    A: From a cat-alogue!

  • How can you tell the difference between a catholic, a baptist, and a Methodist?

    A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.

  • What size box of condoms do you never want to buy?

    The family size.

  • How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?

    Buy high sell higher.

  • What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples?

    Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra."

  • What does Supertramp do after buying rice?

    They take the long-grain home.

  • How did Chad Kroeger lose a quarter?

    Everyone who bought his tickets wanted their nickelback

  • Where do lobsters buy their work clothes?


  • Why do Arabs only buy Chevy Trucks?

    Because they're like Iraq.

  • Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

    Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

  • Why does she keep cleaning the floors?

    Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.

  • How does a composer remember which groceries to buy?

    She writes a Chopin Liszt.

  • How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?


  • Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?

    Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

  • What's the cheapest kind of noodle you can buy?


  • How do you sell chicken to a deaf man?


  • How much do you pay to buy corn from a pirate?

    You pay a buccaneer.

  • How can I buy the New York Times?

    He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

  • How do you sell chocolate to a deaf/foreign person?


  • Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?


  • Why did the bodybuilder buy a dictionary?

    Because he wanted to get more definition.

  • What do Leonardo DiCaprio & anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common?

    Their odds of winning are the same

  • How do you sell a dog to someone hard of hearing?

    Get really close to their ear and shout, "DO YOU WANNA BUY A DOG "

  • What time is it when yo mama sits on a chair?

    Time to buy a new chair.

  • Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings?

    He wanted more Monet in his wallet.

  • Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?

    So he could "get a long little doggy".

  • How did SkyMall go bankrupt?

    I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.

  • Where do military chaplains buy their regalia?

    At the army surplice store.

  • What do you think I should buy, a cow or a bike?

    You'd look pretty funny riding a cow...but you'd look much worst milking a bike

  • Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

    God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

  • What should I buy for dinner?

    I see frozen peas are cool this time of year. might say that's a corny joke, but it's really not. It's a pea joke.

  • Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house?

    He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.

  • What did the farmer say to Pat Sajak?

    I'd like to buy an owl

  • Who the hell buys furniture online?

    Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay

  • Why did the storm trooper decide to buy an iPhone?

    Because he couldn't find the right droid he was looking for.

  • Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?

    Because he had a stinking cold!

  • How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

    The toothfairy.

  • Why shouldn't you buy underwear made in the Ukraine?

    Because Chernobyl fallout.

  • What do you call the guy you buy your weed from?

    Your chron-tact.

  • Why hang Wanted posters in the post office?

    We're not crime-fighting crusaders. We're buying stamps.

  • Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?

    One to get in and one to get out.

  • What ya doin'?

    She said "Buying luggage."

  • Where does a dog go to buy shoes?


  • How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

    pause....) WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN??!! (SHOUTING)

  • Why do they call it Almond Milk?

    Because if they called it Nut Juice nobody would buy it.

  • Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies?


  • What do you call a tuber that buys his girlfriend chocolates?

    A sweet potato.

  • How can you get four suits for under $2.00?

    Buy a deck of cards.

  • Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune?

    Because the host gets confused when they say "I'd to buy a vowel eh."

  • Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

    Because he is an x-boxer

  • Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

    Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

  • Why buy an invisible knife?

    I don't see the point

  • Why's the little boy scarred for life after going to buy his mom some earrings?

    He went to Jared.

  • What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?

    I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.

  • Why did the Eagle go to store to buy some Rogaine?

    To cover up his bald spot.

  • Which perfume do you use ?

    It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

  • Why did Sauron buy the sedan instead of the coupe?

    More doors.

  • How is food purchased an an Irish grocery?

    You buy it per-tater

  • What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?


  • Why did the algae end up at school?

    She wanted to buy an algae bra.

  • What the?

    Oh, I accidentally bought Hamburger Hinderer

  • What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it?

    A stool sample.

  • What did the boy buy at the grocery store?

    Too Bad, I'm not telling you!

  • Where is the best place to buy authentic shrunken heads?


  • Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?

    A: She couldn't raise enough dough.

  • Where do Chicago football fans buy engagement rings?

    De Beers

  • Where do hipsters buy their clothes?

    Most likely a thrift store or Urban Outfitters, TBH.

  • Why did the rooster buy mittens?

    So his chicken fingers wouldn't get cold. I'll leave now

  • What happens when you give an Italian a coupon?

    It makes the Dego buy faster.

  • Why did Jon Snow buy an athletic cup?

    For the crotch.

  • Why are French guns the best to buy?

    They've never been fired, and only dropped once.

  • What is the difference between a hog and a man?

    A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

  • When is the best time to buy budgies ?

    When they're going cheap !

  • Why did the iPhone 7 cross the road?

    To buy another pair of AirPods.

  • Why is a gun better than a woman?

    You can buy a silencer for a gun

  • Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses?

    Because they're a diamond dozen

  • Where is the best place to buy computer software?

    Washington C.D

  • Why do all the best golfers keeping buying socks?

    They get a hole in one!

  • Why did the Ferguson protesters not participate in Black Friday?

    Because they have already looted everything they would have bought anyway.

  • Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?

    I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

  • Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

    I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

  • What is agitated buy joyful?

    A washing machine

  • Who wants two tickets to the gun show?

    I bought the Groupon but can't make it :(

  • Why don't you buy drugs from an Emo?

    Their stuff is always cut.

  • Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?

    A penny-farthing.

  • How many unwashed gorillas did Fetty Wap buy?

    17 dirty apes.

  • Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea?

    Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.

  • How does a white lady fix a flat tire?

    She buys a new car.

  • Why didn't the parrot want the black guy to buy him?

    Polly want a Cracker.

  • Why do chinesse make such terrible Estate agents?

    Because non of the customers are ever comfortable with the idea of buying a house with a Hawk in the closet.

  • Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants?

    Cos Chernobyl fall out

  • What's the difference between a woman and a man?

    A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

  • How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ?

    He prawned everything !

  • What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

    The fun guy

  • Where'd you buy my gift?

    Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

  • How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?

    Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.

  • What brings you to speed dating?

    Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

  • Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

    Who is not buying this

  • Where is the best place in town to buy marijuana?

    High Street, of course.

  • Why does no one buy food for a platypus?

    They always have a big bill!

  • How does Moses get his coffee?

    He buys it from Starbucks...

  • Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

    Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

  • Where do you buy a baby?

    Hole Foods.

  • Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night?

    Wild Twerky!

  • What did the duck say to the cashier after buying some red lipstick?

    Just put it on my bill

  • What knight of the round table never paid with cash when buying something?

    Sir Charge

  • What is the worst place to have the "you break it, you buy it" rule?

    The pet store

  • Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

    A. At a secondhand store.

  • When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

    And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

  • Where does the military commander buy his groceries?


  • What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?


  • How many Android users does it take to buy an iPhone?

    Zero. Apple doesn't accept EBT.

  • Where does Dracula buy his pencils?


  • What's the most terrifying gift your SO/Family can buy for you?

    Reddit gold.

  • What's the easiest way to get off an elephant?

    I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!

  • Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin?

    Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays

  • Why do people buy expensive rims?

    they're investing in wheel estate.

  • What do you use to buy drinks?

    Bar tender

  • Why did the mobster buy a planner?

    So he could organize his crime

  • What's The Coolest Thing On the Internet I Can Buy for Under $100?

  • Why did Simba buy a motorcycle?

    So he could mufasa.

  • Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?

    They don't believe in higher power.

  • How can I trust you again?

    H: She meant nothing to me! M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

  • Where do dead people buy their cigarettes?

    At the coroner store.

  • How do you make a computer your best friend?

    You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!

  • Why did the fishermen buy a new pole?

    Just for the halibut.

  • Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog?

    A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

  • Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan?

    At the infideli counter.

  • Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?

    A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

  • Why should you never buy Russian jeans?

    Chernobyl fallout

  • Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet?

    Because it had too many threads.

  • Who likes music?

    asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

  • What do call having to settle for buying corn?

    Compra maize.

  • Why did the junkie walk into the pet store?

    To buy some quack croakaine!

  • Why did the Rabbi stop buying beer?

    Hebrewed his own

  • Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?

    He wanted Mark Antony !

  • Where do crows go to buy groceries?


  • Where does Kylie buy her kebabs?

    From Jason's Doner Van. (Sorry, I'm guessing this one's only for the Aussies and Brits)

  • What's the most emotional computer you can buy?

    A Dell.

  • How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard-of-hearing?


  • What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua?

    A short one!

  • How do hipsters buy their drugs?

    by the instagram.

  • Where do you buy a Walrus?